John Mayer Lyrics
Do you remember the story of Pandora? When she opened that box, she let out all the evils except one: HOPE. The Greeks considered HOPE to be as dangerous as all of the world's other evils. Still, while HOPE was still in the box and all the other troubles were visited upon the world, humanity was desolate and desperate....Imagine the relief when Pandora finally returned to that box and let HOPE out to join the rest! Even though HOPE wasn’t strong enough to get out of the box right away, in the end it proved stronger than all the other ills that had been unleashed upon the world! Only Hope could give mankind the strength to face the rest of the World’s evils and to fight it’s way from the prisons of desolation and despair. So why did Zues put Hope in the box in the first place? In *All Too Human*, Friedrich Nietzsche proposes that Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope.
I can relate but I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I am a Christian at the core. Maybe not a right-winged Bible thumper, but I am a Christian. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. Maybe I don’t believe it the way it is so often preached, but I do believe the Bible is Truth...maybe not exact truth as humans see it, but it is divine truth. The inspired writings of Paul contains words I live by. In fact it is my favorite Book and Chapter of the Bible. In the 13th Chapter of his 1st letter to the Corinthians Paul writes:
(11) When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child, when I became a man, I did away with childish things. (12) For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known, (13) but now faith, hope, love, abide these three; and the greatest of these is love.
There are 3 abiding spirits that God has given us to accomplish our purposes in this world and to have the strength to deal with life in this world. I’ve worked on Faith and I will continue to do so.... I am always working on Love, all types of love...but Hope, that I have taken for granted and cursed whenever it left me. I want to be friends with it now. I never realized its strength or power until recently when I’d all but given up and had it returned to me without deserving it or even asking for it back. That is Grace in action....the free spirit..
Hopefully, I will come out of this a better person.
Quote for today:
Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.
A is for Alpha Male. (I want a man, not a boy, and I want THE man, not a man)
B is for Boyish. (one should never lose the part of themself that plays)
C is for Crazy. (about me and a little nuttiness makes everyone more fun)
D is for Dominant. (I'm old fashioned, and also its a sexual quirk)
E is for Energetic (He's going to need it!). (I may be older but I'm not dead yet)
F is for Friend. (Can't love someone if you don't like someone first)
G is for Goofy. (laughter is a wonderful thing)
H is for Human. (you would be surprised how many people lose their humanity by my age)
I is for Incorrigible. (I enjoy people who live life on their own terms)
J is for Jovial. (I like likable people best)
K is for Kind. (There is never a good excuse to be unkind)
L is for Large. (I don't see how I could feel dominated by a smaller man...he just has to be taller than me...I don't want to look down on him)
M is for Masculine. (I like men with all the usual good and bad qualities, if I wanted someone who with my own traits I would be a lesbian)
N is for Naughty. (Yes!!! Shock me! Make me blush! Tease me about how you will please me! Make me admit I like it...)
O is for Optimistic. (its better to be happy than not, its better to have hope than suffer despair)
P is for Possessive. (I want to be HIS, I am not talking stalking or jealous rages, but if he doesn't mind when some other guy tries to move in on his territory he is not going to be man enough for me)
Q is for Questioning. (I love curious people....male and female.)
R is for Rowdy. (Movers and shakers well...they move and shake me! )
S is for Sexy. (I'm not talking looks...I'm talking attitude. I'm not going to complain that's alllll you think about....unless you aren't doing enough acting on those thoughts... )
T is for Teasing. (Know me well and let me know it....and let me know you too. )
U is for Unusual. (Average is for Average, I want someone who thinks outside of the box and lives a real life, not the one everyone thinks he should.)
V is for Virile. (Sex is part of love. I want it all, and lots of it.)
W is for Wild. (I want your raw emotion, I don't want you to be civilized with me, I want to have access to all your passions. )
X is for X-rated. (I may not share, but I'm willing to give YOU everything I've got. )
Y is for Yummy. (I want to taste your kisses and your skin.)
Z is for Zainy. (Lets tickle, lets crash a party and dance the night away....Lets go for a ride and make out in a corn field...Build me a snow couple! I want to play!)
It's the jaw line isn't it?
Where is that little boy I keep looking for?
He looks like this:
If you see him, Tell him his mama is looking for him!
He feels like a prisoner and he can defend himself he says.
He is, and no he can't, not against guns and knives. But he's right. Nothing I can do. He'll be careful and be inside before dark.
Why his sudden defiance? Well its really not so sudden, but usually when I put my foot down, he doesn't outright defy me, he doesn't act all manly, just resigned and petulant. He respects my right to make the decisions.
He is questioning my reasoning and authority.
My kid..... Even annoyed at him I know where it comes from. I know he means it. He is thinking clearly. He refuses to give in to fear.
He's got a girlfriend. He told me yesterday. He asked permission to give her our phone number.
I'm not ready for this.
He's my baby. Now he's acting like a guy of all things!
He's almost 15 years old. A little chunky but mostly muscle. He's handsome as the devil in blue jeans, just like my Dad and Grandfather were. I guess I should have known it had to happen pretty soon.
I'm grateful that he's moral and good. He's a gentleman. He is planning to go over and meet little Miss Danielle's parents to make sure its ok for him to hang out with their daughter...OMG, he is sooooooooo old fashioned. He's planning on asking permission to court her in essence.
I know I'm a lucky Mom....but I don't feel so lucky right now. My baby is growing up so fast and his blasted siblings still haven't provided me with a child to hold and cuddle.
He needs to shave. I don't even know how to teach him.
I know that I did and am doing exactly what I was supposed to do with that nearly blue baby I gave birth to all those years ago. I did well, I took a helpless baby boy and turned him into a man who doesn't need me to hold him anymore.
What else could I do?
We worked out the terms, negotiated and compromised. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do....Mom's just gotta deal with it.
I love the man he is becoming but I still want my baby back.
It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth.
It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.
My steel spine feels as soft as jello.
My heart isn't hard, it is broken.
Words are all I can relate to, all I understand.
I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.
There ought to be more.
I read this today.
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman
I also read a letter from him. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier.
There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me.
Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made.
Do you suppose I am his ego feed?
Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better.
It doesn't work.
I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions.
It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head.
Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional.
I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.
I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway.
Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.
More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.
I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.
Somehow he'd make everything all right again.
I miss my Grandpa.
"Today is your day. You're off to Great
Places! You're off and away!"~~Dr. Seuss
I refused all offers today and walked home. It was a beautiful day. I don't know if many of you realize this, but until the Great Depression hit, South Bend was a happening kind of town.
Seriously we were!!!
Some of the most well known politicians and socialites kept homes here. Our streets are named for them! We were pretty affluent back then and it shows in some of the architecture that still stands tightly squeezed between the more modern atrocities (I'm not much for steel and glass buildings...I like brick and wood)here.
If you'd like to join me in my walk home just follow the pictures, I'm not sure I have them in the right order (renamed them all) but close enough.
Leaving work.....I'm so glad I get to work on the main floor of this building...I get dizzy just looking up!
The Court House (I believe this is the second Court House, we have several).
Our own little Lady Liberty.... I know it isn't much, but size isn't supposed to matter.
This is the reddest church I've ever seen. Love the round window though.
Now we just begin looking at some of the incredible houses on my way home. Amazingly enough these houses used to be single family homes (no doubt those families had 10 or 15 kids but still!) Now most of them are either apartments or office complexes....
Seriously, what a shame.....
The two pictures below are of my dream house....I've been gazing at this house since I was a little girl.... I have dreams where I actually live in it... It represents so much to me, I don't know why I am so drawn to it, but I have been longer than I can actually remember.... If I ever win the lottery....That baby is MINE!
It was so sunny out that my glasses went almost black and so windy that my face is all red...but I still feel invigorated!
So be sure when you step.Step with care and great tact and remember that "Life's a Great Balancing Act." Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left~~~Dr. Seuss
Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!
I think it suits me right now too.
I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.
I played rock music all day!
Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.