The things I don't say.

I want to tell him not to worry that everything will just magically work out because maybe I love him. But I don't tell him I love him. I'm not sure yet and its scary. Its one of those new rules I have. Its too powerful a word and I won't say it until he is ready to feel the power of it and I am ready to yield to that power. He's not ready and I'm not sure I am.

Sometimes when he looks at me, he has looked positively blissful. He probably loves me, I think to myself, I've seen that look before. He doesn't say it either though.

I've missed him every day this week. The confusion over his last treatment of me over his previous treatment of me affects my sleep but I don't tell him that I miss him. He would know then. He said he was confused in his last email though. Showed vulnerability. He had the option of ending things but reached out to me instead. He misses me, but he didnt' say it.


There is a lot I don't say while I am whining that he ignores me. A lot that I don't share when I am complaining about his selfishness. Makes me wonder what he is holding back.

There is a lot of work to be done here....starting with both of us opening our mouths for more than a kiss.

We circle around each other getting closer and closer but I've hurt him and I've been hurt in ways he will never understand (he has no real evil in him), its like we are afraid to get too close but can't stand the separation. I'm the bitch that bit him before because I had gotten so used to being kicked that any human was a threat. He couldn't tame me then. He doesn't need to now. Convincing him of it? ...well that is another matter entirely. I'm not sure that its always true anyway.

Trying to find my voice.