Hot and Cold

Maybe I'm just stupid. I don't understand all this hot and cold shit that men do.

I want a certain amount of stability and comfort in my relationships.

I want to feel like I am where I am wanted.

I want to count on truth.

I hate stereotypical stuff. I keep finding it though.

Men chase after me. Sometimes it even gets on my nerves with all their bold words and impossible promises. They think nothing of interupting my schedule during this chase. Its like I can't be anymore than I am and they can't get enough of that. Once I accept them it quickly cools. Usually I find this stage, initially, quite a relief. Its certainly less pressure and potential embarrassment.

The part I don't like is the last part. The part where I don't matter.

Usually that is where I dump them without an opportunity for reparation.


Maybe I don't know everything

Today I was lucky enough to have time to talk with my real-life friends. I'm lucky enough to have several both at work and outside of work that truly care about my well being...yeah they rib me when they can and tell me what I don't want to know but they are good friends. I needed that today. It helps that most of them are sane.

One of my friends is ill. Seriously so. I refuse to believe anything bad can happen to her because I don't know what I would do without her. I feel kind of selfish in that belief but the truth is she is one of the few people in this world who "gets" me. She could probably tell you exactly what I would do in a given situation and seldom be wrong. I want to "be there" for her as much as possible. Its kinda hard because I want to smother her with affection and tears. I have to stop myself from seeing if she needs help. See she is probably more independent and proud than I am. She's like a super-woman. She'll do it all or die trying. Probably how she got so sick. My friend makes me look like a sissy girl. She's my hero. I would be lost in life without her. So what can I do to make her days better, to help her without her feeling like she's imposing? I really want to know. I don't know what I would want other than to not be treated like an invalid. She is powerful. I want more than anything for her to keep feeling that way. I know the risks and the expectations and side effects. I've chosen to focus on hope. Deal with the facts and make the future what she wants it to be. I want to be her friend. I've always considered myself the weaker link here.... I can't be that now. I have to toughen up and help hold her steady. What can I do? I would love suggestions.

I can't go through another sleepless night. My brain is scrambled.