Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.

I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.

I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.

I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.

I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line.        You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage.   Too much truth can be overwhelming.    We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.   

Its armor.  We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you."    If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.

I don't want to generalize men,

I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.

I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?

I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.

I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.

I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....

Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.

Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.

It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.

I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.

Exactly what I have to offer.

Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.


More Autumn Reflections

We had our first snow earlier this week. Its just a teaser but Autumn seems so short a season after that first snowfall. Today it is Autumn again though. With crisp air that has me with open windows and heat too. I can't resist the call of that air.

Once again the sky is bright with hope and promise and I wonder at the majestic view of those golden treetops. My life goes through constant changes it seems and right now there are so many I feel overwhelmed. I find myself layed off for the first time since I was in my very early 20's. Financial problems won't strike for quite some time if I'm frugal, but its hard not to be that big fish in the small pond. I like being important.

Its harder on me this time too. When I was layed off in my youth I had young children and a husband I thought would always adore me. My youngest son, though autistic is nearly grown now...maybe a year or so behind in developing into an adult compared to most 17 year olds, but on his way, none-the-less, to independence, and certainly needs me much less than his older siblings did when they both were toddlers. The husband who adored me and two more after him are gone from my life and there is barely hope for a man in my heart and life right now. I have friends and family but they have their own busy lives and I'm happy for them. This leaves me lonely though, and looking for purpose beyond cleaning the apartment and applying for work.

On the horizon is my first grandchild. Billy and Celia (Princess of the Universe) are blessing our family in early February. I have a feeling the baby will be a boy, but part of me hopes for a girl that has my daughter's lovely face. I am in wonder at the miracle of life that is unfolding before me when I see her. Celia is glowing as if she has a wonderful secret and Billy is proud and expectant. They will be wonderful parents and this child, the first grandchild on both maternal and paternal sides of the family will no doubt be surrounded with love and hope. I am so joyous! I am literally longing for this child to emerge from my daughter's womb so I can envelope it in my arms. I find myself imagining a tow headed child, too smart for his/her age with sparkling hazel eyes and an infectious like his/her parents. And I smile...

I remember my daughter's sass and brass and am grateful for Billy's quiet strength to balance this child's personality. Life is such a wonderful choice and I am happy that my child and her husband chose to create and nurture a life. I couldn't imagine better parents for any child.

Richard, always the hermit, spends his days working or playing video games. As always I wonder when he will give romance another chance instead of playing the field. He will be 30 this Summer, not too late but he's wasting time if he wants to be a parent (and he would be a wonderful parent). He is a truly good man, a big heart, very intelligent and once one knows him, an very outgoing personality. He calls me about once a month or every other month. I seldom call him because he works a lot and he's not much for chatting. Strong silent type with a storm inside his soul. I wait for him to be in the mood. He doesn't like to be pressured by me and he knows how I worry for his future, without a love in his life. I hate the thought of him not having a wife, but know it is his life to live and not mine. I am grateful he loves me even when its so difficult for him to show affection. I am grateful he is independent even as I fondly remember those days of his childhood when he very nearly worshipped the ground I trod upon. I so often remember those days and his big brown eyes looking to me for answers that I never really had.

Walter, my baby, is more man than boy these days. at 17 he still has another year of High School to go. He will only get a certificate because they changed the Spec. Ed program here and despite his intelligence, there is no way they will teach him the way he needs to get taught to get a diploma. I won't medicate him yet, despite the fact that I know aderal or ritalin will help clear his concentration. I want his brain to be more fully developed first, and puberty to be complete, there are not enough studies on the long term effects of these drugs. After he completes the certificate program, we will then proceed to medication and adult ed for a GED and then a vocational school like Ivy Tech. Walter has taken up videophotography these last few years and shows promise of a possible career in that. We will put our focus there. He is maturing emotionally now and trying harder to grow-up. The times I feel hopeless about his future are few and far between now and I'm beginning to feel as if he will succeed in life as his older siblings have. Its just taking him a bit longer is all.

I've gone a dating slow down again. I had stalker this Summer and its kind of put me off the whole dating thing. I went out with this guy one time and he just wouldn't let me go after that, no matter how many times I refused him. He tried guilt and finally anger. I had to be kind of cruel in the end, but he finally gave up. Its left a bad taste in my mouth. I have regrets about an old lover that pains my conscience from time to time. Still I long for a new romance, especially at this time of year. I have so much romantic love in me and no one wants it, or so it seems. The ones that do I tend to send away. I have mended fences with some of them though and become friends again, but the reasons those romances didn't work remain so there is no hope of reunion.

Its been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship with a man and more than a year since I thought I could love again. I have to wonder if it was my last hope. I will be 49 in January. I suppose I am capable of living life alone, but I never thought I would.

I catch myself holding conversations with our cat, Garfield, more and more these days and I wonder how I got here. Its not a bad life, just not the one I set out to have.

I am grateful though...I have so many blessings it seems selfish to whine about that one aspect of my life that I am unsatisfied with. My children are all wonderful and my daughter has a wonderful husband. There's a new baby on the way. My parents are doing as well as expected and the rest of the family is too. I finally have the time to think and to write, my life is fairly stable and its a good one. I'm grateful I have it.