Words

I miss words.  When blogging was young I jumped in it both feet and I swam through posts of my friends on all the hot topics of the day.  Those words inspired me and compelled me to write.  In the beginning we didn’t even use photos to illustrate our memes… it was just white space and black letters.  We wrote because our souls depended on it.  We wrote because the words demanded a voice. We wrote because we HAD a voice.  Truth was everywhere and it was respected.  We respected each other, even in the event of differing viewpoints. 

Like everyone else in the World the time came where I defected to the miniaturized ponds that were twitter and facebook.  Character limits became the challenge of the day and we all became creative spellers and lost the power of individual words and prose.  We resorted to using memes in place of postings and links to other people’s words instead of our own.

We were damned.  Literally and figuratively. Words that once fell like waterfalls across the white screen became drips and the photo meme became boulders and I have started to wonder if the flow of ideas and expression of truth has finally come to an end.

I want to get wet.  I want to sink into articles and essays.  I want to drown in educated thought.

Don’t try to save me.

Rainy Days

We have fairly heavy rain today...but I love the rain....especially on Sundays. No, I won't post the Keith Urban song since I already hit facebook up with that. I don't have an opening line or even a good idea. I'm just writing because I haven't for a while. I have a love/hate thing with words....but despite the volatility, its the longest romantic relationship of my life, and probably the most passionate..... I think I was making up rhymes and grandstanding with my own soliloquies long before I started reading at 3 or 4 years old. Stories are still being told. Sometimes by other people.



I've written no less than 10 follow up paragraphs to that with as many subjects! The problem is I am all about keeping it real and making it truth but I don't want to right now. Its so much easier to write when things are not in transitional phases and you have no fear that your truth may affect the direction of your life. What has happened to my courage?



When I was young I did not just walk where angels feared to tread, I would stand naked in a fire and taunt the Devil himself. I was reckless in love and in life. I thought that I was created special. With a half century of life lived now, I know better. Some of those wounds nearly killed me. My scars are mostly hidden now.....but they protect my heart and mind like the thickest leather.



Over the years I slowly added armor to my spirit. I have a shield now. Most people can't see it, but I know its there. I used to just armor up for romance, but I have learned that I need this armor to keep false friends at bay and to safely pass through career challenges as well. I think I've lost the ability to trust wthout proof. I miss it.

When I was young I would go on daily adventures...I smiled at strangers and when a boy would try to kiss me....as often as not I would let him. I remember with a smile in my heart, long walks in unfamiliar areas where I would let my curiosity free. I'd pet stray dogs and not worry about fleas and would pick up bugs just to get a closer look without worrying about stings. I climbed trees without a fear of falling.

What I wouldn't give to be that person again....

I'd give even more if I could offer that world to my granddaughter....

Reflection

After I dropped the last guy who liked me just before New Years (he may have thought he was special to me if I'd gone out with him), I started, again, wondering why I can't seem to find the love I so want.

It hurts sometimes.

The truth is I did find it a long time ago but my fears ruined it then and several other attempts with the same man. Instead of getting over it-----I have been trying to over compensate for it.

I am always looking for the error, waiting for the failure and expecting that my love will never be good enough.     Just like Job...the things I greatly fear come upon me.     Men say all the pretty words I want to hear but want them back and that ends it.

I try to convince myself and everyone else that they are asking too much and rushing me but that isn't and hasn't been the truth for a long time. They behave as all men do when a woman is enticing them and backing off.

I am the master of mixed signals. I'm a tease. I don't play fair. They fell in love with the woman I was pretending to be. I never let them close enough to know what a bitch I really am.

I wanted it all to be true with these guys. I wanted to be who they thought I was. I wanted to believe I was really looking for love but my heart has been blocked off for a long while. I haven't been playing with it...I've been playing at romance with my ego instead.

No doubt I've been treated badly a few times, but I probably brought it on myself. I need to stop pretending to be whoever I figure they want me to be.

Maybe I will date and maybe I won't. Today dating somehow just doesn't seem that important anymore.

My heart is otherwise occupied filtering through the damage I've done in my life and wondering how to make things right again.

Intimacy

I'm realizing that I am alone because I play games.

I usually swear that isn't true, but it is. I consistently date men I know I will leave. I usually know this within 5 minutes. I think that is why I date them in the first place.

I want intimacy, but I fear it.

Love has often been a painful experience for me. I don't trust it.

Infatuation is kinder and easier to walk away from.

I need to stop with the games. Its not healthy. Its not fair.

Maybe a hiatus is in order.

Time to reevaluate.

Conjugating Time

I'm a forward thinker. I've always been the one who wondered what things meant in future tense. I don't think that's a bad thing so long as it isn't taken to extremes.

It is bad though, when it prevents one from learning from the past or enjoying the present.

Today matters and yesterday mattered too. I think it is good to remain as balanced as you can. To appreciate the moment rather than to wonder about what a moment means.

This all goes along with my focus on clarity.

To have a clear vision of what is true, we must not just look ahead, but look around and behind to see the whole picture.

I've concentrated so much on the fore and aft at times, I am blind to what is all around me.

I am surrounded by friends and family who love me and I need to appreciate them now. Not at a future time because future times may not occur, and not just to rehash past fun times when we could be creating new memories.

Life is good right now. I plan to enjoy each moment.

I am exceptional....but not the exception

  I am exceptional.  At least I was. I should be still. I could be still.  I am exceptional but not the exception.


It happens a lot with a lot of people who break up after long term relationships and marriages, we forget who we could be without the anger and pain.

We all compensate a little differently. . I started looking for why a relationship wouldn't work instead of looking at what was right about them. Then I would analyse why it was really my fault and think of ways to hide my shame, including shifting the blame. I began to believe that fairy tales were for children and that I didn’t need anyone.

 Publicly I blamed them, internally I blamed me. Truthfully there is enough blame for everyone. What made me ever think so high of myself...that I should be the perfect one?  I am exceptional, truly we all are.....but even I don't believe it most of the time.


My dating problems are not even about “He’s just NOT that into you” . The kind of man I want isn’t *into me* because I haven’t been living out who I am…. I write in her voice sometimes and visit her life occasionally….but I sure haven’t been living that life recently. I remember who I am but I’ve forgotten how to be her.

That’s not true either….I’ve become too bored and lazy to be her. Sometimes, when success comes too easy, people become complacent.


That’s what I did. To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, I wasted my *pretty*.

I let other people take over my life, I tried to make them happy instead of doing what I needed to do for my kids and myself.


Where is this all coming from? Didn’t I seem fine the last time I wrote something here? Not to worry, I was and am.

 Its just I have had an epiphany.

This week I have read “He’s just NOT that into you no less than 6 times”. I have watched the movie 4 times over the last 2 days.

I’ve realized the truth.

I am exceptional. I am not the exception though. I don’t even want to be. I am the rule.

Clarity. The word of the year. This is what it means.

It means that I have to focus on me in order to be a better mother….daughter…..sister……friend….even employee.

It means that I will not allow the mere remote possibility of romance or even friendship to color my days or affect the way I live them. When I love myself, the way I deserve, I will be better able to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved.

It is impossible to give away what you don’t already have.   

The truth about my love life is that it isn’t just that he (take your pick which he) was not that into me…its been that I was NOT that into me. This doesn’t mean that I am going to be all self centered and me me me….. It means I realize that is what I have been doing. Wallowing in my misery. Comfortable in it. Too stubborn to be who I once was…..who I should be.

Its so much easier to pretend everything is some guy’s fault instead of looking at where I am screwing up. Its so much easier to pretend I am satisfied with life as it is than to do the actual work it takes to change it back to what I want it to be.

I was too embarrassed to ask for help or support before. Need was just another word for failure. I lied when I say I don’t need anyone. I can’t make things work on my own.

I am not superhuman after all.....

I'm never going to be even close to perfect.....

 I’m not the exception…. I am the rule.

Clarity. Epiphany. Oh I like those words.

Its time I stop living up and living down to other’s expectations of me. Its time I live up to my own.

My Mother's Mother

A week ago today my family and I celebrated the life of my Grandmother. I think I've finally come to terms with everything....

I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.

Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....

Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.

Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.

As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.

We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.

She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.

Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.

Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!

Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.

I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.

Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*

I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.

So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.

She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.

We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.

Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.

We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.

Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.

I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.

Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.

I know she lives for you too..

So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.

You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
　
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
　
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free


Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go


For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home


When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

　

Thank you.

age old question.

Why are men so afraid of intimacy? I don't want a man who avoids serious issues or is afraid to feel real emotion. I may not want a cry baby but I damn well want a reaction. I think most women have the same complaint. I'm sooooo sick of little boys.

Storms

I write about this affinity I have with storms.  Right now as I wait for one I thought I would try to describe what is happening to me and what I expect to occur.

Right now there is that heaviness hanging in the air as I wait for a storm to come.  Some people hate that.  I don't....but I don't love it either.  

There is this thing between myself and big storms...its like I am absorbed into the energy that hangs in the air.  Its a physical thing that is already starting, my joints ache, my muscles tighten, my head feels pressed against, even my breathing becomes different.  Its not a painful thing, but it sort of feels like being under water a bit too long. Comfortable but a bit unnerving nonetheless.

This feels like it will be a big one, but maybe it will pass over.  Its kind of an either/or thing at this point.  Storms seem to clear up my thinking once they begin but before they come, I contemplate all the difficult things to think about.  I'm uncomfortable inside and out as I wait for the storm that will release me physically and mentally.

Often it is during a storm that sleep literally overtakes me and I sleep that dreamless trance that refreshes the soul.  When it doesn't happen like that then it is usually because I have some seriously heavy thoughts that inspire dreams, visions and night terrors, that would freak out at least half of my readers.  Unfortunately I fear tonight will be the latter.  I have some heavy thoughts going on these days.

Still better to have the dreams than to not have the storm.  The storm brings release by one form or another.  If the air just hangs heavy like this I won't be able to rest for days, because I will continue to feel the universal pressure and the mental confusion until the barometer changes.

Pray for rain.

Nostalgia

If auld aquaintance......

I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.

I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.



In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....

Moon Shadow
Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow

She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.

I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....

Let the light shine down.

Any Meme Will Do

Its been ages since I actually did a meme....the last one was on AOL to give you an idea...probably a year or so before I left too....

I stole this one from Kathy at the Rusty Spigot.

70 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME

1. DO YOU SNORE? - Apparently I do....but I can't hear myself so its alright.

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? - A bit of both....sometimes I love to fight and sometimes I fight to love.

3. WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? - I have to agree with Kathy on this one....something happening to my children or someone I love, take those out of the equation and its being unable to breathe.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? - When I was a kid?!?!?....I still play with Walter's from time to time....great stress reliever! :::I dont wanna grow up...I'm a toys r us kid....::::

5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?- Its unreal!....I prefer real life.

6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? -Yup....and on pencils....fingers (but not nails) and various other small objects. I keep trying to stop but I never do.

7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? - Absolutely adorable, I was tiny (3lbs 9 oz) had long black curls all the way down my neck and long curling lashes. My skin was a golden tan color and no one could resist me!

8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? - Apparently it is.... Seems to be the only way I have been happy.

9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? - It is black with white lettering. Black is the new Beige!

10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? - I don't sing at all. I believe there is a County ordinance against it.

11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? - No....but I would have if I had not had children when it was popular. BK (before kids) I was quite the daredevil and would have done it in a heartbeat. Now I think I have a responsibility to go on living until they no longer need me to tell them what to do. LOL

12. ANY SECRET TALENTS? -  I could put my whole fist in my mouth when I was a kid, dental work has ended it. I can wiggle my ears and nostrils still. I can touch my toes to the floor behind my head while laying on my back...well it depends on what I weigh...but within limits I can. I know all the words to some pretty funny poetry too.

13. WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? - I've always wanted to visit Scotland, Ireland and France. My foreign ancestors' homelands.

14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY? - He used to be....before the Tonight Show.

15. CAN YOU SWIM? - No....I'm phobic.

16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”? - No but I'd love to meet Donnie Osmond....guess that would be "Donnie Light".

17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE? - Absolutely. I try my best not to make that hole any bigger, I drive an econo vehicle, walk when appropriate, and I seldom use aerosols.

18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? - Who licks? I just suck on it until it softens a bit and bite right into it.

19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? - You don't want me to sing....Bad things happen when I sing....really... I can, however say it quite easily....must be all that filing I do.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? - Nope....but I wish I had somewhere I needed to fly to everytime I see a big jet in the sky.

21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD? - Nope.... I am the middle child. 2 older sisters and a younger sister and brother. My natural father also adopted 2 younger boys, but I've barely seen them since he passed on.

22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER? Manual.... It reminds me of how much I loved school as a child. I love the smell of the painted wood peeling and the soft hum as it scrapes off the lead into a point... I could wax poetic on pencils and pencil sharpeners....

23. WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? - I'm for it if you are talking hunting like the Native Americans do it....NO WASTE. That means you only kill what you will use and you use every part of that animal and you give thanks to the creator for it. There should be a certain regret involved.... Its hard to explain. Hunting for sport....BARBARIC. I don't hunt though.

24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? - Its surely been in my past!!! I don't know if I could do it again.... I've written fairly intensly on this subject.

25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? - If I write slow and have the time to do it right (or should that be write), I can do a fair to middling job of it....Mostly though its legible but not pretty. I write too much and have damaged my hands too much to worry about pretty all the time.

26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? - Most of the stuff that grows...roses, lots of flowers actually, cut grass. Some detergents, colognes and soaps will trigger terrible rashes. I can eat just about anything though.

27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU? – Few minutes ago. I try to say it often and everytime I see someone I love. People can die and not know how loved they were otherwise.

28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE? - If he was....that would really rock!

29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? - No.... I pray.

30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? - With bacon, sausage, fried potatoes and rye toast.

31. ARE BLONDES DUMB? - yep.... brunettes, redheads and bald people too! They are everywhere......

32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? - On my other foot. I usually don't lose them. I think my dryer fears me.

33. WHAT TIME IS IT? - 7:40 p.m.

34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? - Lots of them..... Ditcy, Mama, Mom, Tess, Baby, there are others.....but I'm not telling.

35. IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? - Only if you read the ingredients.

36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? – Yesterday.

37.DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? - Showers.... I just know my dirt is circling around me in the bath....ready to land on whatever part of me it can when I get out. It doesn't want to die.

38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL? - Call me Virginia.....

39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? I prefer nibbled (and even bitten on the back). A kiss will do though.

40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? I'm afraid to be alone in the dark.....

41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Cigarrettes, caffeine, love....

42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? - Creamy...my Mom used to make smiley faces in it. Smiley faces in crunchy would look like your sandwich had acne and that is just tooooo gross.

43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? - Why would I want to crack my neck? I need it to hold up my brains.

44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Nope. I hope I never do.

45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? - 4 times.

46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? -Yes, but I still think marijuana should be legal if alcohol and cigarrettes are. It should be taxed and regulated....but definitely legal. Not to mention the comfort it can bring to those taking chemotherapy!

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? - Like a stone usually....but I have nightmares that I can't wake up from.

48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? - Bullshit Brown.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? - Actually... I think I do. It sure beats the alternative.

51. WHOSE IS BETTER? - I'd love to be a 4 year old with my whole life ahead of me....but I truly believe that all of us live the best life we can and every life has its own ups, downs and crosses to bear.

52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC? – Yes, I think we all are to a certain extent. I think its normal and that eventually science will discover the other senses that make our brain able to unconsiously decipher information that we are not even aware we are receiving. I don't think its actually supernatural though.

53. HAVE YOU READ “CATCHER IN THE RYE”? - Only 4 or 5 times. I think I am due to pick it up again.

54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? - Used to be 1st seat clarinet in grade school. I can't remember a note now.

55. HAVE U EVER STOLEN MONEY? - If I did, I was a child, and I was so honest, even then, that I probably told on myself.

56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD? - No.... I'm afraid I am not really graceful.

57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? - Used to love it. Haven't been camping in years though.

58. DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH? - More likely to cough...but yeah, I've been known to giggle up my nose a time or two.

59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? - Absolutely.

60. ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? - Maybe not the best friend.... I'd like to think that Woman is....but guess that depends on the man.

61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? - 3 times.....and I still don't believe in it.

62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? - Damn straight!

63. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? - I've had 3 divorces.....what do you think? I do learn from mistakes though....

64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? - Kinda chilly....but this is the midwest and its almost November. I expect stuff like that.

65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? - Omelet this morning....Not feeling real hungry because I have a flu or something.

66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? - Sometimes.... I used to wear it all the time. I can't seem to find the time to put it on now.

67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED? - And how!

68. WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? - The Geiko Caveman.... I loved him at first....Now I am sicker of him than I am my 2nd husband.

69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? - Huh? Not one here I guess....Never heard of it.

70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? - Pussycat dolls.... I am ashamed to admit that I just love *When I grow up* I think it was the line *When I grow up I wanna have boobies* Oh yeah....that was me, I used to think I would get them someday but then my little sister passed me up.... I guess I am cursed to be *average* in a family of DD's!

Things I don't talk about

We all have life changing events in our life. I call them catalysts. There are some things in my life I've alluded to, confessed to, mentioned as background information....but I don't really talk about it. In short sentences, my pain can be ignored and over-ridden by some sarcastic or sardonic remark...and I can just get on to living my life. Usually its easier not to deal with some issues...so I talk about everything else and make jokes when bleeding. This is one of those subjects that I don't talk about. I need a catharsis though. I need closure because I almost did a very stupid thing. Warning this will be a long post. Maybe you will cry. Its not for children. I met B when I was 12 years old and he was 13 or 14. He was tall tan and blonde. I idolized him from a distance because I was gauky in pigtails and chunky and to be honest I had an acne problem. I was a geek...a year's worth of puberty would take care of most of that.... meanwhile I just liked him. He was always nice to me when we did run into each other at the library or something. He held open doors and he would smile at me. He was in the really cool crowd, so it was a big deal. A year and a half later entering High School we actually started hanging out in some of the same circles and a friendship started. I helped him with his homework, and he was one of the guys who introduced me to drugs. The other was my first serious boyfriend, J...and I still can't talk about him. This is an important part to remember. We were not 3 people who hung out together. B was my friend and the one who's shoulder I cried on about the crap J kept giving me. B's family was so fucked up. He said he could only talk to me about it. I was friends with one of his sisters as well, and that is a really sad story...but not for telling here...I only hope her soul is at peace now. She was murdered. The stuff he said was true too....really sad and terrible things. We both had our problems and we handled them by getting stoned. B was one of my best friends. I thought He would risk death for me. I would have risked my life to save him. Sometimes I still crushed on him...we even tried to make-out a couple of times but he would stop it and say our friendship was too important and eventually that stopped happening. During this developing friendship, a friend of mine from jr high, and one of his old girlfriends as well, tried to warn me not to trust him. I was angry and set to defend him but with tears in her eyes she told me that I didn't know what he was capable of. I ended the friendship with her. She just didn't understand B the way I did. I guess he and I spent at least a few hours together a week even after he graduated. I even helped him get his first job. It was one of those great friendships where you know what each other is going to say before you say it and you don't share the friendship with others because, well because they just don't *get it*. I never felt afraid with B. He was going to be a hero one day. At the beginning of my Junior year of High School I became the project of a couple of my teachers. Bound and determined to clean me up and help me succeed. It was crazy the things they did to help me and I didn't deserve any of it. It worked though...the Summer before my Senior year I was clean and working at a great job. I was looking forward to college. B just laughed at first and blew smoke in my face from the joints he smoked. He kept offering me speed like free candy and it was so tempting....but I never gave in. When I was nearly 18 I broke up with J finally and for good. I also ended up missing over a month of school because of scarlet fever. There was no way I could catch up so I quit with the blessing of the Asst. Prinicipal who agreed it would be best if I just returned to school for 1/2 year later rather than kill my GPA. I had plans to go to college. B was joining the Navy. I'd met a nice boy who was a marine and was seriously considering him for my future. He wasn't from around here so he didn't know any of my crazy history. Life seemed full of limitless possibilities. Spring came and B called me a few days before he was scheduled to ship out and invited me to come to his going away party a few days before. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks but no way would I miss his party even if I had to take a break to go to work in the middle of it. I guess I should have thought it was wierd for the party to be on a weekday when he was leaving on a Monday. I never thought B would lie to me. I went to his house. I figured I was just early or that he had wanted me to help set up so we could have a few minutes alone to say good bye. He seemed nervous but I just thought he was *speeding*. He brought me coffee and sat closer than usual to me. We started talking and my new boyfriend came up and B was pissed. I had ruined everything he said... I realized then that B thought we were going to be together. He went into the kitchen to get some coffee or steady his hands...I don't know. I shouldn't have followed him, but I did. I didn't want to lose his friendship. I wanted to talk it out. He threw me against the refridgerator and started trying to make me kiss him. I didn't and he just went weak. I didn't know what to do so I started talking to him...and he seemed to be listening. He was just bummed....wasn't going to rule me out though. He was going to wait me out and we both chuckled. I said...there really wasn't a party today was there B....and he said no...he was just hoping to talk to me. I was really uncomfortable by now and thought I should be getting out of there. B was still acting odd....I didn't know if it was drugs or something worse. I'd never seen him like this before...agitated and ungodly calm at the same time. So I told him I had better head out since I was due at work. He said he wanted to show me something he made first...it was upstairs...too big to bring down. I shouldn't have went. Once I turned on landing I was no longer climbing I was being dragged up stairs. There was a gun on the banister and he grabbed it. I couldn't find my voice at first. I tried to scream but nothing worked right. He was so big. I'd never seen him angry at me but he was. He choked me, he beat me and he raped me. I tried to talk him out of it but it didn't work. He said I thought I was too good for him. He was angry that I looked down on him like he was a druggie. He said I was a fucking tease. When he was done with me he threw my clothes at me and told me to get the Hell out and if I told anyone he'd kill me. I must have walked around crying for three hours. Half the time I didn't even know what my name was. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't go home. I couldn't go anywhere. I got on a bus and somehow ended up at the police station. It was so hard to report him. It was so hard to admit that it could happen to me. I was broken. Not by the rape but by betrayal of my friend. I kept trying to make excuses for it. I kept trying to convince myself that B was just overcome with love for me. I didn't want to end the friendship. I didn't want to believe what happened. I kept thinking I must have done something to make him believe it would be ok. Maybe it was the blue jeans or buttons on my shirt. Maybe I smiled too much. I wanted to go back. I wanted my friend most of all. Maybe it was his fault but not his fault. His family was so bad, he just lost his sister... I hadn't been there for him. Maybe he'd just gone crazy. B wouldn't do this to me. But B did. He did. The police arrested him and his family got him out. (I lost a lot of friends by reporting it. Funny thing is he never denied it. He told the truth too, with a different viewpoint. I don't know why my friends hated me...but some of them did. Even after he told them the truth.) That night he kept walking in front of my house like he did when I used to sneak out the window to join my friends. To let me know people wanted me. My little brother took my father's gun and sat on the roof outside my bedroom to keep him away from me. My little brother was only 14....and felt he had to protect me... I don't know why B did that. He knew my family wouldn't think twice about killing him. I used to think he was desperately hoping we could somehow make it all go away and go back...but now I think he was just hoping we could make it all go away and that's it. Prosecuting someone for rape in Indiana is no piece of cake. I had all this physical evidence on me and that was not proof. There was physical evidence in his house that was not proof. He confessed even knowing all that. That was proof. It was a done deal. I didn't even have to testify beyond a deposition. Still I jumped at the opportunity the Prosecutor presented to plead it down to battery and the State would ensure he spent the time in a mental health facility so that he didn't repeat these actions. It would make it all go away and then B would get the help he needed. I still loved the friend he had once been. I believed his confession was proof that he was truly sorry and wanted and needed help. I think part of me thought that one day he would be *cured* and that he would say he was sorry and be my friend again. It didn't happen. What happened is he made it impossible for me to trust anyone but those very closest to me. What happened is that I hid away and tried to live in a world of my own making for at least 5 years after it happened, and to some degree to this very day. I got married soon after. Not to the marine, my battered heart proved too much for the marine...but that's another story. Basically I made my own prison so I could be safe from the rest of the world. I tried to go back to school...but I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't care about anything but hiding from people so they couldn't hurt me anymore. Flash forward to a few days ago. I sat at the dining table analysing my life and realizing that if I want to move forward I have to let go of the terrible things that hold me back. I decided I would find B and forgive him. I have prayed often for his soul but not for mine regarding all that went down. I know the conviction ruined his life just as the rape completely changed the course of mine. I would write him a letter and forgive him and ask him to do the same for me. I began my search. It didn't take long to find him. He is still here, in my old neighborhood. It was easy to find him because he is a registered sex offender. The last time was for child molestation. I can't forgive him but I can let it go and forgive myself. I'm glad I wrote this and not a letter. (note: actually written and published on 11/13/2010 redated it to put it to the oldest posts in this blog)