I am exceptional....but not the exception

  I am exceptional.  At least I was. I should be still. I could be still.  I am exceptional but not the exception.

It happens a lot with a lot of people who break up after long term relationships and marriages, we forget who we could be without the anger and pain.

We all compensate a little differently. . I started looking for why a relationship wouldn't work instead of looking at what was right about them. Then I would analyse why it was really my fault and think of ways to hide my shame, including shifting the blame. I began to believe that fairy tales were for children and that I didn’t need anyone.

 Publicly I blamed them, internally I blamed me. Truthfully there is enough blame for everyone. What made me ever think so high of myself...that I should be the perfect one?  I am exceptional, truly we all are.....but even I don't believe it most of the time.

My dating problems are not even about “He’s just NOT that into you” . The kind of man I want isn’t *into me* because I haven’t been living out who I am…. I write in her voice sometimes and visit her life occasionally….but I sure haven’t been living that life recently. I remember who I am but I’ve forgotten how to be her.

That’s not true either….I’ve become too bored and lazy to be her. Sometimes, when success comes too easy, people become complacent.

That’s what I did. To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, I wasted my *pretty*.

I let other people take over my life, I tried to make them happy instead of doing what I needed to do for my kids and myself.

Where is this all coming from? Didn’t I seem fine the last time I wrote something here? Not to worry, I was and am.

 Its just I have had an epiphany.

This week I have read “He’s just NOT that into you no less than 6 times”. I have watched the movie 4 times over the last 2 days.

I’ve realized the truth.

I am exceptional. I am not the exception though. I don’t even want to be. I am the rule.

Clarity. The word of the year. This is what it means.

It means that I have to focus on me in order to be a better mother….daughter…..sister……friend….even employee.

It means that I will not allow the mere remote possibility of romance or even friendship to color my days or affect the way I live them. When I love myself, the way I deserve, I will be better able to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved.

It is impossible to give away what you don’t already have.   

The truth about my love life is that it isn’t just that he (take your pick which he) was not that into me…its been that I was NOT that into me. This doesn’t mean that I am going to be all self centered and me me me….. It means I realize that is what I have been doing. Wallowing in my misery. Comfortable in it. Too stubborn to be who I once was…..who I should be.

Its so much easier to pretend everything is some guy’s fault instead of looking at where I am screwing up. Its so much easier to pretend I am satisfied with life as it is than to do the actual work it takes to change it back to what I want it to be.

I was too embarrassed to ask for help or support before. Need was just another word for failure. I lied when I say I don’t need anyone. I can’t make things work on my own.

I am not superhuman after all.....

I'm never going to be even close to perfect.....

 I’m not the exception…. I am the rule.

Clarity. Epiphany. Oh I like those words.

Its time I stop living up and living down to other’s expectations of me. Its time I live up to my own.


Sometimes its what we don't do that matters....

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that it might not be such a good idea to call a person an idiot....even if that person was. The truth is I can't remember the last time I said something behind someone's back that I haven't said directly to their face. Sometimes I can be so mean.... so sarcastic... self righteous.... overbearing.... egocentric..... and a whole host of not so stellar personality traits... I'm trying to get better. Usually I am....but sometimes and a lot lately I'm not nearly as nice as I aspire to be.

Today I didn't call anyone an front or behind them. It may not sound like much.... but its progress.

I guess its born from frustration. I've been going through a lot recently and not in a good mood to start with. I tend to expect too much from myself and from others. I expect everyone to be as single minded as I am on any given task. The truth is I am the weird one. I could state my case differently instead of saying... *he's an idiot* as if that person doesn't matter. Everyone matters. So I am trying to be nicer and while it is part of my job to find problems and correct them and inform my GM if someone makes continual mistakes or errors be it in judgment or in work... It is not my place to go around insulting people as if I, alone, am perfect.

Time to jump off the high horse and walk around a bit.


Belief vs. Behavior

I lost a friend today or at least someone I thought was a friend.

It was stupid really. He was goading me about my beliefs because he is a die-hard atheist. Obviously I am not. I tried very hard to be diplomatic and even agree with him on several points with reference to organized religion. It was supposed to be one of those "Free thought" conversations.

I should have known better. Instead of diplomacy he returned what I can only describe as rabid scorn.

He insulted my intelligence, my beliefs and insisted he could do a better job with humanity than God himself. "Loser" was the term he used to describe him.

I don't pretend to know all there is..... Who could? I don't know why bad things happen to good people. Bad things have happened to me too.... I don't blame God though. I blame the people who do these things.

He seems to think that men have done all good by themselves as well. As if we are responsible for our own creation.

I don't see it that way. The more I understand science the more I understand that there is more to it than that. I've personally experienced what even doctors considered miracles. Doctors are still scientists right? I should not have lived the day I was born and so many miracles since then. No scientific could be just dumb luck but the laws of probability say no. That is science too.

My point is I have very good reasons to believe the way I do.

Maybe he does too but I couldn't find it in the hatred and the blame he was vomitting at me.

He is entitled in these United States to be be free "from" religion just as I am entitled to be free to choose my own faith. I respect that.

What he is not free to do is insult me and try to engage me in a battle of wits....on this or any other planet.

I've chosen not to have this person in my life. Not because he is atheist. I have several atheist friends.

I've stopped being his friend because he is an asshole.

Have any of you been put in that kind of position?



I removed dates from this site because I didn't want to put anything on here that was time sensitive...sometimes it looks as if every thing is happening all at once here though doesn't it? Time is funny that way. Moments and hours seem to take the same amount of time. Days and years. Its all reflective and subjective to me that way. Oh well....just a weird thought I was having as I reflected on earlier posts and wondered whether or not I should put actual dates on this site. Decided no.... My feeling is that this page is for somewhat universal emotion, experiences and thought. Time has no place within them except as a subject.