Monday

Words

I miss words.  When blogging was young I jumped in it both feet and I swam through posts of my friends on all the hot topics of the day.  Those words inspired me and compelled me to write.  In the beginning we didn’t even use photos to illustrate our memes… it was just white space and black letters.  We wrote because our souls depended on it.  We wrote because the words demanded a voice. We wrote because we HAD a voice.  Truth was everywhere and it was respected.  We respected each other, even in the event of differing viewpoints. 

Like everyone else in the World the time came where I defected to the miniaturized ponds that were twitter and facebook.  Character limits became the challenge of the day and we all became creative spellers and lost the power of individual words and prose.  We resorted to using memes in place of postings and links to other people’s words instead of our own.

We were damned.  Literally and figuratively. Words that once fell like waterfalls across the white screen became drips and the photo meme became boulders and I have started to wonder if the flow of ideas and expression of truth has finally come to an end.

I want to get wet.  I want to sink into articles and essays.  I want to drown in educated thought.


Don’t try to save me.

Christmas Revisted (repost & revised)


9 Days until Christmas...Its time for my annual letter to Santa...  I think I was nicer this year....so maybe....


Dear Santa,

I didn't get what I wished for this past year.... I must have been naughtier than I thought (funny I don't remember having THAT much fun!). Maybe it was just lost in the e-mail.....

Sweet, Sweet Santa, I have been a good....well mostly good....Ok ok....I tried really kind of hard to be a good girl this year. At least I am honest.  I'll try to do even better next year and I won't play any ..... wellllll any SERIOUS pranks on strangers if you will just grant me this one simple little...ok well ummm rather large and complicated wish this year. (See I AM being honest).

I know I've bugged you for stupid stuff in the past, and I am still waiting patiently on that clock that will turn back time and make me 25 again....but I wasn't very nice the year I made that wish, so I understand why its so late in coming. You've been very understanding of my little mishaps and I'm so grateful...but still I ask you for this one thing every year and I think I deserve it now....I think I deserve it every time.

I know I've been kind of greedy these past few years. I wanted my kids to be happy and healthy and the same for myself.  I think I wished a million things for my Sweet Heather, the baby doll you gave my daughter a couple of years ago.  (She is spectacular by the way and growing up fast....you could slow that down just a bit....).    You've been really good to me all these years!   I'm really very thankful for all my wonderful blessings and gifts in this life already but just one thing is truly missing and it is a terrible thing to miss!  I know that I shouldn't keep asking for more....but I can't seem to stop wanting this one thing....

I need a container for all the love and passion I have left over from the blessings in my life. See the problem with love is the more you get, the more you give, the more you give, the more you get. It really is a vicious circle! Now I have all this love laying around all over the place. It's making quite the mess around my heart. It's creeping into my brain and creating passionate desires that have me tripping and falling all over myself.

I need somewhere to put it all. Preferably in the size range of 5'6 and 6' tall so it can fit into my life easily. I have a lot of love and passion to store so the container must be both stable and sturdy. I do like unusual twists though, so please keep it interesting. I dream of something that is painted with humor and accessorized with kindness and hope.  I know you can do this. Your elves have a reputation for making the impossible possible.

What I really dream of in this receptacle is openness and the ability to recycle the love and passion I place in it and feed it back to me. This would be so much more economical than just letting it sit inside me like a landfill. I'm not particular about the brand name.  So long as the name has a decent reputation, I would be pleased to have it around me. Please make it a dominating presence in my home and my life, I want it to be noticed. I prefer containers that have a soft inner lining because some of the stuff I would put into it is quite fragile. It's ok if its unusual looking. I don't care whether its top is covered or left bare. It doesn't even have to be new and it can have smaller versions attached to it. I don't mind a few cracks and scratches. Sometimes that adds an ethereal beauty to it.

Yes you know exactly what I want Santa. I knew you would.

Dear Santa, Please bring Prince (maybe not quite) Charming to me.... I promise I'll bake cookies. Chocolate Chip even! I'll be good too.....verrrrrry verrrrry good.... (no I am not winking) Thank you in advance.....

                            Your friend, Tressa Bailey

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday

You can walk with anyone during the day so long as you can sleep with yourself at night.

 “If you say there is no such thing as morality in absolute terms, then child abuse is not evil, it just may not happen to be your thing.” 
 
Rebecca Manley Pippert
“You wear your honor like a suit of armor, Stark. You think it keeps you safe, but all it does is weigh you down and makes it hard for you to move.” 
 
George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I have the tendency to see the world in more shades of white and black than grey.  I know that is not quite politically correct these days and the populace seems to defend the grey.  They have a point, some wrongs and rights are more wrong  and more right than others…but the flaw with this type of thinking is that if you have a full beer it won’t make my half beer cease to exist. Not only do two wrongs not equal a right,  One very big wrong does not make a smaller wrong better.   That’s right I’m not grateful that I was “only hit” just because someone else was killed.  If I have 20 bucks to blow on dinner, does that mean I shouldn’t want $20 more to blow on drinks?  If I have a nice apartment, does that negate the beauty of the better one that costs far more or the detriments of living in a box?   Things are only gray in the middle…..the rest of the time they are more white or more black.  I believe there is always a bottom line answer if we look hard enough….the bottom line does not only exist in accounting money. A small wrong is STILL wrong.  A small right STILL matters.

Occasionally my way of thinking and admittedly overdeveloped ethics are called into question as if they are a bad thing to have. Detrimental in some way.  I don’t like pretending for instance.  Role play games (well unless I really really trust someone and it’s a private thing) LITERALLY make me sick to my stomach and give me nightmares.  I avoid lying as much as possible….and that is no easy task in the world we live in where subterfuge and "need to know" are common tactics even in social life.  I tend to hold disdain for anything nontransparent and only like straight questions and equally straight answers.  Grey is  definitely not my favorite color.  I even use the word grey as a negative adjective.  

You can imagine the insult I feel when the one thing I feel truly guilty pride about is made out to be a flaw!!!  It isn’t  easy to live by my own standards and trust me, I am too smart to not realize that if I lowered my morality standards that life would be much easier and to be completely honest, more profitable.   For instance, I can't accept extra change from a cashier.  I will spend more money in gas returning it than the actual amount of over change....that is one of the reasons I love debit cards... I beat myself up everytime I fail to live by these standards too....and since I can't help being human .....I hate myself sometimes.  Still I continue to find satisfaction in the effort to do right, be right and live right....even when I fail because I know it is right to keep trying.

I endeavor always to try to put myself in the mix when I am dealing with others.  It’s the golden rule effect.  If I wouldn’t accept something from someone, then I don’t expect them to accept it from me.  I have a heart, a soft, generous, loving heart.  I’m a humanist.  I love people.  I try to do good deeds on a regular basis….and its frequent. I seldom write about the good deeds I do because the truth is I don’t really do them to get credit for being a good person, I do them because they need doing and I believe each of us should say  “I should…” or “why not me” instead of or immediately following “someone should…..whatever the needed task or good idea”.  Even more so I love people so much that even when faced with terrible people, or people who immediately dislike me for whatever reason, I try very hard to excuse their behavior, attempt to find something, even a lame something to like about them. Then I ask myself “What am I doing wrong here”, “What can I do to please this person”, “Why doesn’t he/she like me”.  Usually I am able to turn things around, not always but almost always.  I think in terms of good and evil….but I always…. always….. always…. want it to turn out “good”.  I love “happily ever after”.  Being nice and being kind isn't fun or even pleasant sometimes....but it is the right thing to do.  It wish I could say I was always successful, but I'm not.  I can be as much of a bitch or a bully as the next woman or man.  I apologize when I realize though.  I try to make reparations if its possible and I try very hard to learn from situations and become a better person.  There is a type of self respect involved in the trying.

It helps that people usually like me.  I think when you truly believe in humanity, in the value of every person…..it just shows.  More than that, I believe it is a family trait.  Science tells me it could actually be the scent of our skin.  I don’t know…but I take advantage of the apparently natural advantage, at work and in my personal life.  I do admit that the last few years I’ve actually tried to be more discerning.  A few bad relationships that if had I followed my gut instincts rather than my heart, wouldn’t have caused as much damage, and a lifelong history of being taken advantage of or misused finally caught up to me and caused me not to trust as easily.  I’ve learned that a violent manner is always a sign that, as much as I would like to save someone, I’ll end up having to save myself.  I’ve learned to be careful who I loan money to and learned that some people may need your help but not really want to change their life.  It was egotistical of me to try…. I know I don’t have all the answers….sometimes the answers are grey, whether I want to see it or not.

All that being said though, I plan to continue to live by rules based on real values and ethics (no I could care less about crossing against traffic).   I love guidelines, even if they must be adjusted from time to time when a situation really is a shade of my detested grey.  I despise dishonesty, abhor secrets, destest bullshit (rules without reason) and more than anything I live real life, I don’t pretend.  Make believe is for children and pop psychology, not responsible adults. Frankly I don't like pop psychology either (Have you noticed how every manager and care giver these days tries to "shrink" you?).  I am not the result of any one childhood event...I am a complicated person who has lived a full and eventful life. I don't blame my mother for my mistakes and excesses any more than I give her credit for every little thing I do right (unless its one of the many things I did learn from her).  This is my life and unless someone has lived it with me...he or she will NOT be able to casually psychoanalyze me.  I'm not broken and require no repair....thank you very much.

The people who don’t like my linear thinking don’t understand why I am who and what I am.  Those persons have not had to make the decisions and choices I’ve had to make.  I'm certain some people think I'm cold and hard-assed.   I need my logic and regulations to prevent myself from doing the wrong thing to make other people's lives easier if not better.  They don't seem to understand that mental self control is used to prevent my emotions from taking over. Not everyone has had to carry the weight of responsibility that I have had on mine for most of my life. So they keep trying to change me into a gray-thinker.  If I had been a gray thinker I shudder to think what would have become of my children and me as I was raising them by myself. 

I’m not going to erase a life of experiences, I’m not going to lose one iq point, nor stop doing right even when its hard because others think that my life would be better if I were more like them.  It does me no good to try to sway anyone to my way of thinking.  Maybe just maybe there is still room for all types of people on this planet. That is as close as I can get to clothing myself in a grey shroud…..

“Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it.” 
 
Leo Tolstoy, A Confession

“Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” 
 
Augustine of Hippo

Its Who You KNOW!


What makes some women so desperate for love that they will convince themselves that they are in love with someone who may or may not exist in his own life and definitely does not exist in hers?  I know women fall for these scammers everyday….but one of the women in my circle is falling now. 


She’s not stupid.  This woman understands college level science, holds a good job and cares deeply for her friends and family.  Like me, she’s been unlucky and mistreated in love. 


Sometimes, if you eat enough garbage, it starts to taste good.


The truth is you can NOT love someone who is not an active part of your life.  That just isn’t love. 


Yeah I know there is going to be someone who says they fell in love online and stayed in love 20 years.  More power to you.  The truth is you were infatuated and fell in love with the person later.  Risky business that….but I’m glad it worked out for you.  Most of the time, it just doesn’t. 


Love is all the tangible and intangible details that you find absolutely adorable in another person.  Its part acceptance, part knowledge, part shared experiences (the major part) and last but certainly not least, chemical attraction. 


I can email several important people in the world.  Return emails will bear their electronic signature, actually be accepted in most courts, and yet I could be talking to their secretary or any number of aides and not them.  I don’t know them from email…and they could easily fool me with a phone call too.


I could post photos of 50 women of different ages and enthnicities and caption my name beneath them and you could say you saw a picture of me and didn’t realize I was a 12 year old from the middle east.  I could say “ :::giggle, I am:: “ and if you believed me you’d be my fool.


Its downright stupid to say you love someone you haven’t met and known for a while.  What a shallow love that would be without shared memories or special gazes to spark romance. 


I’m smart.  I try to remember I’m smarter than a lot of people, so I try not to judge others too harshly.  I don’t think I am being harsh when I say its foolish to trust or love someone you don’t actually know.  I think its obviously impossible and that you are stupid if you believe that love can be ignorant that way.


Once again there is the “God gave me to you” words being bantied around.  If I were God, I think I’d be insulted that some silly little human thought that I didn’t have the power to put love in their ACTUAL pathway. If I were God, it would bother me when someone claimed to have such great faith but then accepted such a failing gift as one from me. 


Now, if I were Satan, I would take great delight in what fools humans are and how easy it is to light the path to misery and poverty and make humans follow me into the life of self destruction.  I’d laugh at God if I were Satan… I’d laugh at the fools his creations were…and I’d keep them convinced that they could love strangers. 


Its ironic, God’s greatest gift to humans is love….and the desire for love is Satan’s greatest tool for destruction.


Smarten up ladies….



Sunday

Happy Lent....and I mean it. ~~~Revised~~~

I revise this Blog Post nearly every year.  Of all the things I've written it is probably one of my favorite pieces.  It seems doubly appropriate this year since Ash Wednesday will be falling in the same week that has been scheduled to celebrate Random Acts of Kindness (one of my pet causes).  I ask those of you who do not believe as I do to refrain from discounting my beliefs in this post and instead take my message as it stands.  Religion or no... Lent the way I envision it is still a wonderful practice.

I’m not Catholic, most of my family is though, so every year I find myself pondering and practicing Lent in some form or another. As a teen and younger adult I found the whole idea stupid. I have never been big into self-denial and most of the things that people seem to be giving up *for Lent* appear to me to be self serving and usually things they ought to give up anyway.

Swearing. Now there’s one I’ve done. Picked it right back up too. Smoking....oh the failures I’ve seen here.....the last several years I gave up fast-food. Not because I thought Micky D’s made me less spiritual but because I gain a few pounds in my Winter hibernation and Lent is as good a reason as any to go on a diet. Two birds with one stone.  I'm practical that way.  I’ll do that again this year, but I’m not even going to try to convince anyone it is for Lent. It is to better serve my vanity and ego. It’s a diet.

Most Catholics give up meat on Friday and only eat fish (which I still consider meat....it is, after all, animal flesh). I’ll do that too, but not because its Lent or because its Friday....how about because I LIKE fish and its healthy and low in calories...and its going to be on sale everywhere. Once again, its self-serving.

I also started practicing "niceness" during Lent several years ago. Not everyday kind of niceness, but the go-out-of-your-way-to-be-nice kind of thing together with the fish and fast-food diet. I felt better. In an older blog I once asked this question of my readers and I’m asking it again today:
Can't we practice Lent
in joyful giving instead
of in meaningless sacrifice?
I think we can.

Don’t give up biting your nails. Give up an hour to read to a child.

Don’t give up chocolate. Make a daily visit to a lonely person and share the chocolate.

 Don’t stop swearing.  You can do more good cussing a blue streak while you fix something on your older neighbor lady's house.


Don’t give up yelling. Start smiling at strangers.

Don’t try to make yourself less bad, try to make yourself more good.

If we really look at the reason why we give up something for Lent it is because God gave up his only son for our salvation.

Maybe the point is not in the sacrifice but in the result. Salvation. Saving. Rescuing. God made the great sacrifice. Incidently, and I am sorry for those I will most certainly offend, God’s son is there with him now. Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father even now by the beliefs of most Christians.

What really happened is that God gave. It was the gift.... not the sacrifice that was the point of it all. God gave us the gift of a second chance at life everlasting. God gave us an instructor to show us the way. God left the Word to inspire us and to give us hope. God made our lives better.

Wouldn’t it be better to practice Lent by making the effort to improve the life of someone else? Isn’t that more fitting than giving up stuff we think is going to impress God? Isn’t a quiet act of kindness more pleasing to Him than our bragging about the stupid minor little self-serving sacrifices we make year after year?

 
Maybe...just maybe.... God created cocoa so we could enjoy a chocolate shake.... We don’t know that God wants us to give that up. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "thou shalt eschew chocolate". We do know that God wants us to be good to each other....

 
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

Romans 12:9-13 New Living Translation Bible


Maybe the real way to make ourselves better people is not to concentrate so much on the things we think make us less appealing and find a way to appeal to others in ways that really mean something.

That’s how I am going to practice Lent. I’d rather give back than give up. Its easier, and I feel better about it. Yep....its still self-serving.

 

Friday

Family

I love them. 

They pick me up when I fall.... make me strong when I weaken and wipe tears when I cry... When I don't believe in me they do. I say "I can't"....they say "You will". I say "worthless" they say "priceless". 

I used to envy people born with silver spoons but the truth is silver spoons tarnish....My family is stainless steel. Amazingly strong and nothing we do or say leaves a single mark on the love between us. 

Unconditional...nope...not at all. Nothing is unconditional...this is reconditional.... because when I break ....they fix me. 

I love my family!!!

Sunday

Things I've learned in life:

It doesn't matter who you are or what the situation is....unless its for someone's birthday or Christmas....secrets are almost always bad and being a secret is never good. Words to live by.

We have two things of value in this life. One is time and the other is love....Give them wisely but don't horde them away in a closet.

If you don't tell something important to someone who should be aware, it may not be lying...but it sure isn't HONEST. Truth is the absence of lies but Honesty is is a bit more.

1st...Know your own value, Last...Don't accept less.

If you want a friend, be a friend.

Love, all love...not just romantic love, isn't about hearts and flowers, its about truth and acceptance and working for the greater good of another instead of the pleasure of one's self. The real thing isn't always pretty, in fact it can get pretty ugly, but there is a certain beauty in the scars. The purpose of love is not to make one feel better, it is to make one be a better person. If the pain doesn't equal the joy....you are doing it wrong.

You can be too rich and too thin. What you can't be is too generous or too healthy.

No one dies wishing they had worked harder in life, we die wishing we had loved more in life.

There is nothing wrong with feeling and acting on strong emotions when they are justified for the greater good of family, friends or even the public good, what is wrong is being self centered in those emotions...Narcissism is the root of most of society's problems. We all think we are perfect and none of us even comes close.

Everyone talks big about the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) when they are being done unto...not so much when they are doing. If we reversed that trend, imagine the change the world would see? Walk a mile in another's shoes before you pass judgement...you might just run out of things to rant about.

Silence may be golden but its not effective.

Friday

I miss JLand.

I don't even know why I write in here anymore.  I guess I miss it.  I miss what blogging was back when AOL Journals ruled the day that is.  Now there is so little interaction on our actual blogs...  Facebook has completely taken it over it seems.

Now we post inspiring words written across a photograph, witty one liners and jokes.  Once in a while we get daring enough to write a whole paragraph. We no longer share the details of our day to day experiences, wax poetic or painstakingly put together entire essays to  inspire our co-writers.  We loved the journals...we all swore that we'd continue on in Blogger what we had begun in JLand.  We didn't.  

None of us, including me, comment very much on those of us who continue on.  Now all our comments are lightening fast and geared towards getting the best laugh on facebook.  We went from taking ourselves much too serious to not taking anything serious.

I try to tell myself that its just that we are older...maybe none of us have the creativity and energy to continue on like we did 10 - 15 years ago.  Maybe we just shrunk inside.  I used to write about politics, but I've become disillusioned.  So fed up that in a fit of anger a few years ago,  I removed every thing I ever wrote about politics.  I wish I hadn't.  There was nothing wrong with my thinking or my writing.  I've deleted a lot of posts over the years that I wish I hadn't.  I remember a time when I actually had 5 blogs going at once, 2 were invitation only....I was so bad sometimes....or at least I thought I was.

Even now I struggle trying to remember how to make my blog interesting.  Trying to think of subjects is difficult these days and I seem to be too busy or tired to go hunting for the photos and youtube videos to set them off.  Just words on a page for now... but I'm the determined sort.  I'll figure it all out again.  

I remember how innocent I was when I first started really getting into chatrooms and blogging.  I was 31 years old and recently divorced and remarried.  I was a typical midwestern girl...I apologized when I swore unless I was really mad.  I didn't tell a dirty joke to a guy unless I had known him all my life.  I flirted outrageously and never thought a guy might take that seriously. I trusted everyone and thought that  no one would take advantage of a sweet girl like me.  I was nice to everyone unless I had cause not to be.  I had had a couple stalkers in my life, but they had reason.  I was as young in my head as a 16 year old kid is today... maybe younger.  My life was vanilla but I thought I had seen it all.  Oh my.  I've learned and experienced so much via the internet over the years... most of it good...but some not so good.  I've definitely learned a lot more about people's experiences...all kinds of experiences. I can safely say that my friend Sharon (rip), would no longer have to contstantly remind me "You're not in Kansas anymore".  Not that I have ever been to Kansas...but it was a running joke because when she met me I was even more naive than when I signed up for the internet.  Yeah, for those who have known me all these 20 years, it was possible.  Which brings me to the fact that I have friends I've never met that have lasted 20 years...  Amazing.  

I guess that is what keeps me coming back to this forum....its the people I've met, those of you who have let me peek into the windows of your homes and of your souls.  I just don't want to let it go...

For now I will begin again the way I once started...A letter to an unknown friend.  Hope for the future.  Belief in common people. I've made a lot of friends over the years using just that approach.  I'm hoping it still works.


TNAADB3YVZK3

Thursday

Male Cravings

I am wary of that which I crave. I keep a check on my own dependence, even while I favor dominant and bossy men. I am careful not to need a man too much, but I want to know I’m taken care of. I pay close attention to the motives of really intelligent men but I have little patience for fools. I guard myself around powerful men but need to feel protected. I think that I confuse men as much as myself. I have a running joke....*I want a man who is more of a man than I am*. See the thing is, as far as women go, I am pretty powerful in a lot of ways. It’s the way I was born, not a life choice. I want to be one of those soft sweet women that stand by their man and I think I could be if I had a man I could stand by. I don’t care about materialism or money, but he needs to be intelligent and passionate and strong and domineering, for me to want to be with him. He also needs to be compassionate and kind and romantic and sweet for me to be able to love him. Can you see where my problems with relationships are? I want too damn much from one person and I can’t seem to make myself settle for less. See I want the fairy tale too... I'm having some serious cravings. I'd like a rose....but leave the thorns on please.

Saturday

LDR = Fantasy

I know several people trying to make long distance relationships work.  In addition to my own 2 serious LDR attempts (several minor LDR dating experiences as well) , I'm actually going to be talking abut 7 different couples in this post, not big details but just the oddities and commonalities I've noticed. Not one of these so called love matches have been in existence for what I would consider long term (beyond a year of exclusivity), except for my most embarrassing attempt which lasted over 2 years.  Most of these couples have only spend extended time (more than a few hours) in each other's company 3 or 4 times in the space of this year.  One couple has never even met in person (both parties are married to others).  2 of the couples (and I only use the term couples because the term pairs seems so cold but it is probably more suitable) have known each other in real life years and years and years ago (1 couple were high school crushes and the another couple knew each other as neighbors back in the early 90's).  Without fail each of these couples, including myself in my longest LDR, believes that they are so special that GOD brought them together or back together.  SERIOUSLY...when it comes to romance....we all get just that stupid.

I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning.  God knows who you are.  He knows where you live.  If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door.  WTH???  Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live.  Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them.  1 pair live on separate coastlines.  Yeah.  That's going to work.  Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.

The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates".  Really?  What in Hell is a soul mate anyway?  Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment.  I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way.  I want a life mate.  One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed.  People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice.  I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call.  I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.

A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work.  Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues.  I still think blind faith is a mistake.  Trust should be earned.  It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you.  My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment.  I only had words to go on.  Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.

Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems.  Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time.  They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit.  Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life.  Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods.  They only show each other the good side.  When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end.  When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.

Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other.  Sacrifices are always asked...  but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other.  I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.

I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave.  Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life.  Most of the time these relationships do not work though.  The truth is he or she chose a different life.

I wrote this  http://blessedarethemeekimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/2008/05/long-distance-relationships.html when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....

Thursday

My work is good.

I love October.  Its my favorite month.  I love the frequent storms and the way the air changes in temperature and intensity. I like the sound that the birds make as they say good bye until next Spring.  The colors amaze me.  Yes...the trees fascinate me but so do the red streaks at sunset and the beiges and browns and oranges when the moon is heavy and full.  The night sky sparkles and its navy blue instead of black...even daytime clouds have a different intensity..the whites become opaque and the greys become silver.  I love to watch the leaves as they flutter and hover in the air before falling to the ground..and the feel of the frozen grass in the morning.   October calls to me and whispers to me to write and write and write.

And so I do....

This afternoon I start my training in something that may well change my life again.  I can see possibilities before I even start.  This will be time well spent.  I'm excited to be learning again.  I am so grateful that I am infinitely curious and that I didn't lose that as I aged like so many people do.

Last month at this time my instincts were firing and dreams haunted me because I could feel my life turning.   I get these when the moon is full and when the moon is gone it begins and the circle completes with the next full moon.  Maybe its coincidence...I don't dispute those who dispute.  I just know that in my life, I am that way... Even my children were born during the moon.   I did not actually fear those dreams or visions.... but for one who is like me changes bring trepidation and uncertainty.   It seems my whole life I have only longed for roots and solid ground and have yet to experience it.  I can't complain because change equals growth and I learn so much from these uprootings....still I envy those who have lived in the same home, worked for the same company and loved the same person for years and years and years...  They are the lucky ones I think.  One day I hope to be like that. One day I hope that life becomes utterly boring and I am able to take comfort in another old face.

My stability comes from my faith and from my family.  I am a lucky one.  Blessed to have both.

I am worried about the friend I spoke of in earlier posts.  Its difficult for both of us right now and we have this White Elephant between us that we are not addressing.  He's become distant in his guilt and I cannot soothe him.  I feel no guilt, but perhaps I should.  I live for truth.  I speak it when its hard.  So does he.  The problem comes when truth collides with the best interests of each other.  A true friendship is as rickety a building as a marriage.  It must be constantly stabilized and rebuild lest it fall down in a mountain of rusty nails and rotted boards.  I won't let him disappear from me, though he tries to fade away.  He is my friend and we made a few bad choices but those did not include the option of losing a friend.  I will need him again one day just as he needs me now...whether or not he admits it.  If we are lucky we are given a handful of people not born to us that we can trust absolutely.  I'm not giving up on even one of those people.  Those people are worth my efforts.

I miss my older children.  My daughter stays in frequent contact and makes sure that my lovely granddaughter does not forget me...but its not the same.  I miss knowing that I could just stop by, and that if I asked her to come for the holidays she could.  She is doing right though, she is putting her family needs first in her life, even when she misses her Mama.  My eldest son is a different matter, he's ever the hermit and keeps weird hours.  We were so close when he was a child that I think it made a rift when he became an adult.  So I watch him from a distance and welcome him when he calls...and he does but I long for more.  My youngest is finally what I would call a young adult.  He stayed on that precipice between boy and man for so long I wondered if and when he would finally cross over...but he's doing it now.  Its going to kill me to let go of him.  He needed me the most and now he needs me less and less each day.  I should feel better about my kids being adults.  I did my job in horrible situations and somehow managed to get it done...but I don't.  I miss the babies I had.

The plus side to them growing up is that I've finally been able to start concentrating on all those dreams I had before I became a mother.  I'm finally going to write that book. Maybe I will write a couple. I'm not going to wait until I have "time" because the time is now.  I don't know if I will be published and honestly, its ok if I'm not.  If I can't sell it/them then I will give it/them away.  My words will once again become my children....  but I think I was right to put it all on hold because I will never get the satisfaction from writing, though it is my first love, that I got from Motherhood.  When I do pass from this world I know I left a living legacy in them.

My work is good.









Tuesday

Looking from the outside in...

So I wrote my previous post on Monday...a little over a week ago.  The next day I was laid off again.  Following days found life ever changing.  Always something or someone keeping me busy.

I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off.  I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know.  I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions.  I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow.  My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.

People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes.  So much sadness out there.  So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them.  We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power.  We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on.  Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love.  I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life.  FEAR NOT.  The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all.  Fear destroys us from the inside out.  We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day.  Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.

I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it.  It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.

I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real.  Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting.   Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted.  It would have been uneven love.  It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us.  One person can not be in a relationship alone....it just leaves you wanting.  That, my friends, is always the worst thing.  Wanting only increases hunger.  Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.

I'm starving for real love though.  I have to be so very careful.  One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed.  It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well.  Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion.  I have to be cautious.  My passion is too strong when I love.  I don't know how to regulate it.

I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded.  I thought of keeping secrets from them before.  I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path.  I think I wanted to screw up.  I didn't want to be stopped.  Maybe I was testing them.  Seeing if they were paying attention...to see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck.  It worries me to think I would do that.  Its addictive behavior.  Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs.  Secrets are ugly festering things.  I need transparency in my life.  I don't want to have secrets or be a secret.  I don't want to make myself into a secret.  Secrets are never good and almost always bad.

So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....




Monday

Just a bunch of rambling words or my excuse for not writing for so long

Don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me so reflective.  I was reading some old posts and noticed I went about a year without writing.  Weird.  I think that was my longest stretch ever without words taking over.  But like any good romance...I still love words and they still come to me when I need.

I have been writing actually.  Some awful poetry and some good things.  I write the newsletter where I work too.  Mostly I write nonsense though.  Facebook may be dumbing me down a bit.  I worry about that.

i seem to have lost my love of politics.  Maybe I've just become disillusioned.  I'm not impressed with the people running in any party.  I'm sick of the back stabbing and fighting between friends over those same idiots.  Most of the time I'm just hoping we will get lucky because I don't see enough real information out there for any of us to make an informed decision.  We are all just guessing based on media that pushes its own agendas and sound bites from politicians that were written by people who may not even know them personally.  There is no face I trust....just hollowed out eyes in the masks they wear.  I'm amazed at the issues being discussed.  Its as if none of us learned about the checks and balances of our government system in school.  I barely hear anything about any race except the presidential one....funny thing is the President will always be held hostage by congress and senate.  Crazy world.  I have to wonder what kind of president we might get if we got rid of all the chatter and refused to let them know what we were thinking.  Make them have to actually present themselves without media doing anything but factual reporting.  Keep opinions silent and out of the mix.  Get rid of speechwriters and let them find thier own words and maybe use thier own thoughts.  It might be interesting to find out....

My kids are all doing pretty awesome.  Things are looking up for us all financially....maybe we aren't all as well employed as we were a few years ago but none of us were destroyed when the lay-offs seemed to hit us one by one.  We get back up when we are knocked down.  Celia and Billy had to move away and I miss them terribly, Especially since they took my little Princess Gigglebutt with them....but I talk to them often and am kept up to date on every milestone and they visit when they can.  The Princess definitely inherited that Capital X gene.  She's already speaking short sentences and strings 2 or 3 together to get a point across...She started walking and talking well before a year old and now at a year and a half she is beautiful with hair past her shoulders, her mothers personality and Gamma's grin.  She has her Daddy's eyes.

Romance continues to elude me but I don't care as much as I once did.  Finally realized that i am pretty ok on my own.  Still hope for it, just not enough to spend the rest of my life worrying about it I guess.  It makes me sad a little but not despondent.  I leave it in God's hands.  Maybe I am better alone.

Its strange the way life has so many ups and downs....and my words seem to flow back and forth with them. i remember times when I could barely make it through the normal day to day stuff because all  I wanted to do was rush home and write...but there were months not long ago that I couldn't write at all and the white pages on my computer just taunted me.  Something in between now I guess.  I want to find the words again, but not sure if I can still do it.




Sunday

taking it slow.....

Its Atumn again. 

My parents just clebrated thier 50th wedding anniversary. I'm so happy for them but it sucks, it really does, to know that I will never have one of those. I feel cheated but nothing to do about it now. Too late wise and too soon old as the saying goes...

 Makes me long for romance....but not enough to take the imitiations being offered ...

Whatever happened to dating?  Finding a person you really liked and seeing where it went without constantly searching or hoping for someone better?  What is up with men expecting me to sleep with them without any assurance that they won't be sleeping with others? Seriously.

When I was young we called it "going together" it wasn't nearly as temporary or as shallow as today's "hooking up" or "FWB".  When a woman and a man liked each other they would date.  Dating consisted of making out or even light petting but the heavier stuff and sex (if it happened) was reserved for your boyfriend or girlfriend after a reasonable amount of time and the status actually had to be asked and answered. I remember fondly one young man who's voice actually squeaked when he asked me to be his girlfriend...    How sweet it was to make him happy with my simple yes...

Yeah we had boyfriends and girlfriends instead of "FuckBuddies".  It was an exclusive situation. It wasn't an engagement or other promise to go beyond that point but it was an indication that the person took you seriously enough to think you mattered and that they were willing to ponder the possibility of  "What if this works" while not spending his/her  time looking for someone they thought would be more exciting.  Hearts were involved and all the emotions and demands that go with them.  People tried really hard to learn who their partner was. It felt so good to know that someone really cared enough to make even that small commitment.

When I first divorced at 30, I went into serious culture shock.  I think I still am.  I don't like what men and women call relationships anymore... I guess that's no secret.

When men find out that I won't participate in a FWB thing they freak out.  It immediately occurs to them that I want a ring and a promise of forever.  Its funny to people who know me personally.  I'm kinda known to be quite the heartbreaker and have had more than my share of stalkers and men who just can't seem to take "goodbye" as my final answer. 

All I really want to do is go back to a slower pace.  I want to actually dedicate my time and attention to one man and know its being returned so we can see who they really are and ponder what is actually going to happen between us. I don't want to have to worry about the disease he is giving to me because he was out doing the FWB thing with 25 year olds who are doing it to someone doing the same thing. I don't want to constantly be sizing up my competition. I want to be respected for who I am and not just those amazing things I am happy to participate in.  I want trust instead jealousy both for me and for him. I don't want to be suspicious because of secrets or being a secret.  It does not make me feel special because I am not a fool.

I don't want to rush things....I want to date...maybe date more than one person at a time in the beginning....I want to flirt....I want to woo....I want my friends to remark about how i glow when he calls and I want his friends to snicker when I call.  I want to be valued enough that a date doesn't equal a lay and I want to be asked to become exclusive because he can't bear the thought of another man taking away his chance at this beautiful possibility that is growing between us.  If i agree....then I want his hands to be shaking as much as mine when he claims my body, because he has waited and wanted me as much as I have hoped for and wanted him.

That's romance....that's the kind of romance that could make me love again....

I want to make love and not just have sex.  I want a boyfriend....not a FuckBuddy...  If that was all I wanted my dance card could be full up in an hour and I'd be the biggest slut in town.  I want someone special....because I am.

I want to take it slow...but I want to take it....

Friday

Love has two unbreakable laws

1. You can not make someone love you. 2. You can not make someone stop.

Thursday

The Truth About Passionate Women

Y'know guys always think they want a passionate woman. What they really want is a woman who can fake passion in the bedroom.





The truth is passion is a way of BEING. You either are or you aren't.

There is no control panel where switches wait ready to turn it on when we praise your lawn mowing skills, but turn it off when we bitch about your underwear laying beside the hamper on the bathroom floor.



There is no switch where we turn it off so we don't hear your ugly words when you are drunk and think we are fat and then turn it on again to become your fantasy lover when you're done looking at your porno flicks.



It doesn't work that way. ITS EITHER ALL ON OR ALL OFF BABY!!!!!!!!!













There is no happy medium. You can trust me on this.

The woman who is calm all day long does not become an animal in the bedroom. If she does she is FAKING it. It is very easy to fake feeling emotions you don't feel.

The woman who is an animal in the bedroom is an animal all day. It is not so easy to pretend to feel nothing when you feel things twice as deeply.

If you cut me I will bleed, If you hurt me I will cry, If you please me I will do anything you ask, willing and joyful. But you can never have it all ways.

The truth about passionate women:





YOU CAN"T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!!!!
I guess that is why so many men cheat. They want one woman who is docile at home and an animal at their disposal so they can pick the mood they want.

I'm too valuable to put up with that. I'll just say NEXT (which is what I always do).

You can have the pretty wrapping or you can have the rare and freaking interesting gift inside after you open the package. You never really get to have both.




If you want to play with the box...go after docile women. If you never want to be bored again....then open the box and play with me.

Sunday

Rainy Days

We have fairly heavy rain today...but I love the rain....especially on Sundays. No, I won't post the Keith Urban song since I already hit facebook up with that. I don't have an opening line or even a good idea. I'm just writing because I haven't for a while. I have a love/hate thing with words....but despite the volatility, its the longest romantic relationship of my life, and probably the most passionate..... I think I was making up rhymes and grandstanding with my own soliloquies long before I started reading at 3 or 4 years old. Stories are still being told. Sometimes by other people.



I've written no less than 10 follow up paragraphs to that with as many subjects! The problem is I am all about keeping it real and making it truth but I don't want to right now. Its so much easier to write when things are not in transitional phases and you have no fear that your truth may affect the direction of your life. What has happened to my courage?



When I was young I did not just walk where angels feared to tread, I would stand naked in a fire and taunt the Devil himself. I was reckless in love and in life. I thought that I was created special. With a half century of life lived now, I know better. Some of those wounds nearly killed me. My scars are mostly hidden now.....but they protect my heart and mind like the thickest leather.



Over the years I slowly added armor to my spirit. I have a shield now. Most people can't see it, but I know its there. I used to just armor up for romance, but I have learned that I need this armor to keep false friends at bay and to safely pass through career challenges as well. I think I've lost the ability to trust wthout proof. I miss it.

When I was young I would go on daily adventures...I smiled at strangers and when a boy would try to kiss me....as often as not I would let him. I remember with a smile in my heart, long walks in unfamiliar areas where I would let my curiosity free. I'd pet stray dogs and not worry about fleas and would pick up bugs just to get a closer look without worrying about stings. I climbed trees without a fear of falling.

What I wouldn't give to be that person again....

I'd give even more if I could offer that world to my granddaughter....

Thursday

And the STUPID Award Goes To.............................................

My mother sent me this in an email. I thought I knew stupid....but I haven't met this guy yet.....







At least they were taking hygiene into consideration....






Bet you are wondering why I am posting this......

Well................ the purpose of this GUY's surgery is

Believe it or not............................

Breast Implants!!!!!

For his tattoo!!!!!










I wouldn't date him.....but I'd love to invite him to a party.........
What is the dumbest thing you've heard of recently?

Sunday

I H8 TXTNG

I really hate this texting stuff going on now between men and women.  Seriously.  I have friends that actually feel *love* for persons that are 95% wishful thinking put into text messages.  These same friends come to me crying.

Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms.  Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.

8-3-1  is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning.  First thing ladies....no he freaking did NOT just make that up for you.  He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either.  He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot.  If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night.  He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.


If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it.  He doesn't.  In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you.  Those other women just might ask questions.  Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing.  This is a way of  keeping things quiet.

If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.

If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.

If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.

yeah...I do think you are stupid.  I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.

I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy.  My reasons are really good.  I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....

Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.

Thursday

Friends With Benefits

What is this thing all the middle aged single men have with the FWB status instead of real relationships? Do they not see that they are not the same hottie they were at 25? They sure seem to notice that women are not. Do they think that by protecting their single status that women are going to be lining up to give them the benefits they want to be paid for the pleasure of their *friendship*?
 
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
 
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
 
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
Lower your standard of living to your level of income. There is no shame in it. You will never have to give up your intellect, your body, or your piece of mind to pay the bills that way. I promise, it’s a much higher standard of living.


No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….

Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.

Which man do you want to be with?

Sunday

Trust Issues

I'm working on building the life and relationships I need rather than want. its not easy delineating the two things. I've learned that the things I want sometimes are exactly the things I don't need and while the things I need are not nearly as exciting, they are more fulfilling.


Its the difference between candy and real food.
My first step in this process is learning how to trust others. Especially those who love me. I've defended my lack of trust as being careful and not wanting to be made a fool of when just as often it has been selfishness and fear. Granted, I have had experiences that I've overcompensated for but they were years ago and I make people who did not give me reason for my suspicion pay for those who did.

My rules have not been fair. I won't say I've truly trusted anyone yet, but I am behaving as if I trust people. Even if I jump to conclusions, I hold back. I am being careful not to react to stimulus right away. Not trusting others is a form of constant fear. I don't want to live in it anymore.

I'm working on a stronger foundation for life.

Reflection

After I dropped the last guy who liked me just before New Years (he may have thought he was special to me if I'd gone out with him), I started, again, wondering why I can't seem to find the love I so want.

It hurts sometimes.

The truth is I did find it a long time ago but my fears ruined it then and several other attempts with the same man. Instead of getting over it-----I have been trying to over compensate for it.

I am always looking for the error, waiting for the failure and expecting that my love will never be good enough.     Just like Job...the things I greatly fear come upon me.     Men say all the pretty words I want to hear but want them back and that ends it.

I try to convince myself and everyone else that they are asking too much and rushing me but that isn't and hasn't been the truth for a long time. They behave as all men do when a woman is enticing them and backing off.

I am the master of mixed signals. I'm a tease. I don't play fair. They fell in love with the woman I was pretending to be. I never let them close enough to know what a bitch I really am.

I wanted it all to be true with these guys. I wanted to be who they thought I was. I wanted to believe I was really looking for love but my heart has been blocked off for a long while. I haven't been playing with it...I've been playing at romance with my ego instead.

No doubt I've been treated badly a few times, but I probably brought it on myself. I need to stop pretending to be whoever I figure they want me to be.

Maybe I will date and maybe I won't. Today dating somehow just doesn't seem that important anymore.

My heart is otherwise occupied filtering through the damage I've done in my life and wondering how to make things right again.

Intimacy

I'm realizing that I am alone because I play games.

I usually swear that isn't true, but it is. I consistently date men I know I will leave. I usually know this within 5 minutes. I think that is why I date them in the first place.

I want intimacy, but I fear it.

Love has often been a painful experience for me. I don't trust it.

Infatuation is kinder and easier to walk away from.

I need to stop with the games. Its not healthy. Its not fair.

Maybe a hiatus is in order.

Time to reevaluate.

Wednesday

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

It seems I do a lot of writing about romance, or the lack of it. I'm looking for it, hiding from it, mad about it, sad about it, curious. Always curious.

Everything else in life seems to work out for me. Not perfectly, but usually. Right now I am jobless but hold no real fear of it, I have a lot of confidence in my employability. I don't actually feel unloved either. I have a huge family that puts the fun in dysfunctional and an eclectic variety of friends both near and far that seem to laugh at all my jokes and wish nothing but the best for me. I live simply and am not particularly ambitious for more. I have my little luxeries and few hassles. I feel good about my *Mom-life* too. My kids are great and capable. I'm looking forward to being a grandparent. I don't like the cold Winter weather much...but the other 3 seasons here keep me from actually hating my home.

Romantic love has truly eluded me though. I keep looking for that passionate friendship my grandparents shared, the one my Mom and Stepfather have. My brother and 2 sisters found it, but another sister and I just keep looking.

This constant search and the inevitable dashed hopes leave me weary these days. Unlike my sister, I'm truly independent and feel no male is superior (or inferior) to me based upon gender alone. I don't like playing the *little* woman as she does. She's flirtatous and seldom disagrees (or even discusses) heavy subjects with a man. If she did, chances are she would be flattering of his opinions. With me....it can go either way.

Its kind of funny how all my sisters and I prefer the same type of men at the core. We like them bossy. Domineering sometimes. Manly men. None of us have any respect for a man we can use like a doormat. Guess we are spoiled by the men in our family. They hold thier own for the most part.

The difference between my sisters and I is that, truth be told, its always been way too easy for me to get men to fawn all over the place.

Sometimes its entertaining, but it never holds my attention for long. Thier high opinions of me make me feel unworthy and fearful of disillusioning the poor souls. How can I let them see what they've chosen to be blind to?

No woman, no matter how successful, smart, pretty or any other pleasing adjective you can think of, really wants to be on that high horse so many men put us on. Its a long way down. I've learned to give my real trust sparingly.

No one is cute all the time.

I want to find a man who will love me when I'm ugly.

Monday

Armor

Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.

I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.

I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.

I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.

I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line.        You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage.   Too much truth can be overwhelming.    We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.   

Its armor.  We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you."    If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.

 
I don't want to generalize men,

I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.

I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?

I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.

I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.

I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....

Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.

Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.

It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.

I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.

Exactly what I have to offer.

Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.

Sunday

More Autumn Reflections

We had our first snow earlier this week. Its just a teaser but Autumn seems so short a season after that first snowfall. Today it is Autumn again though. With crisp air that has me with open windows and heat too. I can't resist the call of that air.

Once again the sky is bright with hope and promise and I wonder at the majestic view of those golden treetops. My life goes through constant changes it seems and right now there are so many I feel overwhelmed. I find myself layed off for the first time since I was in my very early 20's. Financial problems won't strike for quite some time if I'm frugal, but its hard not to be that big fish in the small pond. I like being important.

Its harder on me this time too. When I was layed off in my youth I had young children and a husband I thought would always adore me. My youngest son, though autistic is nearly grown now...maybe a year or so behind in developing into an adult compared to most 17 year olds, but on his way, none-the-less, to independence, and certainly needs me much less than his older siblings did when they both were toddlers. The husband who adored me and two more after him are gone from my life and there is barely hope for a man in my heart and life right now. I have friends and family but they have their own busy lives and I'm happy for them. This leaves me lonely though, and looking for purpose beyond cleaning the apartment and applying for work.

On the horizon is my first grandchild. Billy and Celia (Princess of the Universe) are blessing our family in early February. I have a feeling the baby will be a boy, but part of me hopes for a girl that has my daughter's lovely face. I am in wonder at the miracle of life that is unfolding before me when I see her. Celia is glowing as if she has a wonderful secret and Billy is proud and expectant. They will be wonderful parents and this child, the first grandchild on both maternal and paternal sides of the family will no doubt be surrounded with love and hope. I am so joyous! I am literally longing for this child to emerge from my daughter's womb so I can envelope it in my arms. I find myself imagining a tow headed child, too smart for his/her age with sparkling hazel eyes and an infectious smile.....so like his/her parents. And I smile...

I remember my daughter's sass and brass and am grateful for Billy's quiet strength to balance this child's personality. Life is such a wonderful choice and I am happy that my child and her husband chose to create and nurture a life. I couldn't imagine better parents for any child.

Richard, always the hermit, spends his days working or playing video games. As always I wonder when he will give romance another chance instead of playing the field. He will be 30 this Summer, not too late but he's wasting time if he wants to be a parent (and he would be a wonderful parent). He is a truly good man, a big heart, very intelligent and once one knows him, an very outgoing personality. He calls me about once a month or every other month. I seldom call him because he works a lot and he's not much for chatting. Strong silent type with a storm inside his soul. I wait for him to be in the mood. He doesn't like to be pressured by me and he knows how I worry for his future, without a love in his life. I hate the thought of him not having a wife, but know it is his life to live and not mine. I am grateful he loves me even when its so difficult for him to show affection. I am grateful he is independent even as I fondly remember those days of his childhood when he very nearly worshipped the ground I trod upon. I so often remember those days and his big brown eyes looking to me for answers that I never really had.

Walter, my baby, is more man than boy these days. at 17 he still has another year of High School to go. He will only get a certificate because they changed the Spec. Ed program here and despite his intelligence, there is no way they will teach him the way he needs to get taught to get a diploma. I won't medicate him yet, despite the fact that I know aderal or ritalin will help clear his concentration. I want his brain to be more fully developed first, and puberty to be complete, there are not enough studies on the long term effects of these drugs. After he completes the certificate program, we will then proceed to medication and adult ed for a GED and then a vocational school like Ivy Tech. Walter has taken up videophotography these last few years and shows promise of a possible career in that. We will put our focus there. He is maturing emotionally now and trying harder to grow-up. The times I feel hopeless about his future are few and far between now and I'm beginning to feel as if he will succeed in life as his older siblings have. Its just taking him a bit longer is all.

I've gone a dating slow down again. I had stalker this Summer and its kind of put me off the whole dating thing. I went out with this guy one time and he just wouldn't let me go after that, no matter how many times I refused him. He tried guilt and finally anger. I had to be kind of cruel in the end, but he finally gave up. Its left a bad taste in my mouth. I have regrets about an old lover that pains my conscience from time to time. Still I long for a new romance, especially at this time of year. I have so much romantic love in me and no one wants it, or so it seems. The ones that do I tend to send away. I have mended fences with some of them though and become friends again, but the reasons those romances didn't work remain so there is no hope of reunion.

Its been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship with a man and more than a year since I thought I could love again. I have to wonder if it was my last hope. I will be 49 in January. I suppose I am capable of living life alone, but I never thought I would.

I catch myself holding conversations with our cat, Garfield, more and more these days and I wonder how I got here. Its not a bad life, just not the one I set out to have.

I am grateful though...I have so many blessings it seems selfish to whine about that one aspect of my life that I am unsatisfied with. My children are all wonderful and my daughter has a wonderful husband. There's a new baby on the way. My parents are doing as well as expected and the rest of the family is too. I finally have the time to think and to write, my life is fairly stable and its a good one. I'm grateful I have it.