Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday
Christmas Revisted (repost & revised)
9 Days until Christmas...Its time for my annual letter to Santa... I think I was nicer this year....so maybe....
Dear Santa,
I didn't get what I wished for this past year.... I must have been naughtier than I thought (funny I don't remember having THAT much fun!). Maybe it was just lost in the e-mail.....
Sweet, Sweet Santa, I have been a good....well mostly good....Ok ok....I tried really kind of hard to be a good girl this year. At least I am honest. I'll try to do even better next year and I won't play any ..... wellllll any SERIOUS pranks on strangers if you will just grant me this one simple little...ok well ummm rather large and complicated wish this year. (See I AM being honest).
I know I've bugged you for stupid stuff in the past, and I am still waiting patiently on that clock that will turn back time and make me 25 again....but I wasn't very nice the year I made that wish, so I understand why its so late in coming. You've been very understanding of my little mishaps and I'm so grateful...but still I ask you for this one thing every year and I think I deserve it now....I think I deserve it every time.
I know I've been kind of greedy these past few years. I wanted my kids to be happy and healthy and the same for myself. I think I wished a million things for my Sweet Heather, the baby doll you gave my daughter a couple of years ago. (She is spectacular by the way and growing up fast....you could slow that down just a bit....). You've been really good to me all these years! I'm really very thankful for all my wonderful blessings and gifts in this life already but just one thing is truly missing and it is a terrible thing to miss! I know that I shouldn't keep asking for more....but I can't seem to stop wanting this one thing....
I need a container for all the love and passion I have left over from the blessings in my life. See the problem with love is the more you get, the more you give, the more you give, the more you get. It really is a vicious circle! Now I have all this love laying around all over the place. It's making quite the mess around my heart. It's creeping into my brain and creating passionate desires that have me tripping and falling all over myself.
I need somewhere to put it all. Preferably in the size range of 5'6 and 6' tall so it can fit into my life easily. I have a lot of love and passion to store so the container must be both stable and sturdy. I do like unusual twists though, so please keep it interesting. I dream of something that is painted with humor and accessorized with kindness and hope. I know you can do this. Your elves have a reputation for making the impossible possible.
What I really dream of in this receptacle is openness and the ability to recycle the love and passion I place in it and feed it back to me. This would be so much more economical than just letting it sit inside me like a landfill. I'm not particular about the brand name. So long as the name has a decent reputation, I would be pleased to have it around me. Please make it a dominating presence in my home and my life, I want it to be noticed. I prefer containers that have a soft inner lining because some of the stuff I would put into it is quite fragile. It's ok if its unusual looking. I don't care whether its top is covered or left bare. It doesn't even have to be new and it can have smaller versions attached to it. I don't mind a few cracks and scratches. Sometimes that adds an ethereal beauty to it.
Yes you know exactly what I want Santa. I knew you would.
Dear Santa, Please bring Prince (maybe not quite) Charming to me.... I promise I'll bake cookies. Chocolate Chip even! I'll be good too.....verrrrrry verrrrry good.... (no I am not winking) Thank you in advance.....
Your friend, Tressa Bailey
Merry Christmas!!!!
Sunday
Happy Lent....and I mean it. ~~~Revised~~~
I revise this Blog Post nearly every year. Of all the things I've written it is probably one of my favorite pieces. It seems doubly appropriate this year since Ash Wednesday will be falling in the same week that has been scheduled to celebrate Random Acts of Kindness (one of my pet causes). I ask those of you who do not believe as I do to refrain from discounting my beliefs in this post and instead take my message as it stands. Religion or no... Lent the way I envision it is still a wonderful practice.
I’m not Catholic, most of my family is though, so every year I find myself pondering and practicing Lent in some form or another. As a teen and younger adult I found the whole idea stupid. I have never been big into self-denial and most of the things that people seem to be giving up *for Lent* appear to me to be self serving and usually things they ought to give up anyway.
Swearing. Now there’s one I’ve done. Picked it right back up too. Smoking....oh the failures I’ve seen here.....the last several years I gave up fast-food. Not because I thought Micky D’s made me less spiritual but because I gain a few pounds in my Winter hibernation and Lent is as good a reason as any to go on a diet. Two birds with one stone. I'm practical that way. I’ll do that again this year, but I’m not even going to try to convince anyone it is for Lent. It is to better serve my vanity and ego. It’s a diet.
Most Catholics give up meat on Friday and only eat fish (which I still consider meat....it is, after all, animal flesh). I’ll do that too, but not because its Lent or because its Friday....how about because I LIKE fish and its healthy and low in calories...and its going to be on sale everywhere. Once again, its self-serving.
I also started practicing "niceness" during Lent several years ago. Not everyday kind of niceness, but the go-out-of-your-way-to-be-nice kind of thing together with the fish and fast-food diet. I felt better. In an older blog I once asked this question of my readers and I’m asking it again today:
Don’t give up biting your nails. Give up an hour to read to a child.
Don’t give up chocolate. Make a daily visit to a lonely person and share the chocolate.
Don’t stop swearing. You can do more good cussing a blue streak while you fix something on your older neighbor lady's house.
Don’t give up yelling. Start smiling at strangers.
Don’t try to make yourself less bad, try to make yourself more good.
If we really look at the reason why we give up something for Lent it is because God gave up his only son for our salvation.
Maybe the point is not in the sacrifice but in the result. Salvation. Saving. Rescuing. God made the great sacrifice. Incidently, and I am sorry for those I will most certainly offend, God’s son is there with him now. Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father even now by the beliefs of most Christians.
What really happened is that God gave. It was the gift.... not the sacrifice that was the point of it all. God gave us the gift of a second chance at life everlasting. God gave us an instructor to show us the way. God left the Word to inspire us and to give us hope. God made our lives better.
Wouldn’t it be better to practice Lent by making the effort to improve the life of someone else? Isn’t that more fitting than giving up stuff we think is going to impress God? Isn’t a quiet act of kindness more pleasing to Him than our bragging about the stupid minor little self-serving sacrifices we make year after year?
Maybe...just maybe.... God created cocoa so we could enjoy a chocolate shake.... We don’t know that God wants us to give that up. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "thou shalt eschew chocolate". We do know that God wants us to be good to each other....
Maybe the real way to make ourselves better people is not to concentrate so much on the things we think make us less appealing and find a way to appeal to others in ways that really mean something.
That’s how I am going to practice Lent. I’d rather give back than give up. Its easier, and I feel better about it. Yep....its still self-serving.
I’m not Catholic, most of my family is though, so every year I find myself pondering and practicing Lent in some form or another. As a teen and younger adult I found the whole idea stupid. I have never been big into self-denial and most of the things that people seem to be giving up *for Lent* appear to me to be self serving and usually things they ought to give up anyway.
Swearing. Now there’s one I’ve done. Picked it right back up too. Smoking....oh the failures I’ve seen here.....the last several years I gave up fast-food. Not because I thought Micky D’s made me less spiritual but because I gain a few pounds in my Winter hibernation and Lent is as good a reason as any to go on a diet. Two birds with one stone. I'm practical that way. I’ll do that again this year, but I’m not even going to try to convince anyone it is for Lent. It is to better serve my vanity and ego. It’s a diet.
Most Catholics give up meat on Friday and only eat fish (which I still consider meat....it is, after all, animal flesh). I’ll do that too, but not because its Lent or because its Friday....how about because I LIKE fish and its healthy and low in calories...and its going to be on sale everywhere. Once again, its self-serving.
I also started practicing "niceness" during Lent several years ago. Not everyday kind of niceness, but the go-out-of-your-way-to-be-nice kind of thing together with the fish and fast-food diet. I felt better. In an older blog I once asked this question of my readers and I’m asking it again today:Can't we practice LentI think we can.in joyful giving insteadof in meaningless sacrifice?
Don’t give up biting your nails. Give up an hour to read to a child.
Don’t give up chocolate. Make a daily visit to a lonely person and share the chocolate.
Don’t stop swearing. You can do more good cussing a blue streak while you fix something on your older neighbor lady's house.
Don’t give up yelling. Start smiling at strangers.
Don’t try to make yourself less bad, try to make yourself more good.
If we really look at the reason why we give up something for Lent it is because God gave up his only son for our salvation.
Maybe the point is not in the sacrifice but in the result. Salvation. Saving. Rescuing. God made the great sacrifice. Incidently, and I am sorry for those I will most certainly offend, God’s son is there with him now. Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father even now by the beliefs of most Christians.
What really happened is that God gave. It was the gift.... not the sacrifice that was the point of it all. God gave us the gift of a second chance at life everlasting. God gave us an instructor to show us the way. God left the Word to inspire us and to give us hope. God made our lives better.
Wouldn’t it be better to practice Lent by making the effort to improve the life of someone else? Isn’t that more fitting than giving up stuff we think is going to impress God? Isn’t a quiet act of kindness more pleasing to Him than our bragging about the stupid minor little self-serving sacrifices we make year after year?
Maybe...just maybe.... God created cocoa so we could enjoy a chocolate shake.... We don’t know that God wants us to give that up. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "thou shalt eschew chocolate". We do know that God wants us to be good to each other....
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13 New Living Translation Bible
Maybe the real way to make ourselves better people is not to concentrate so much on the things we think make us less appealing and find a way to appeal to others in ways that really mean something.
That’s how I am going to practice Lent. I’d rather give back than give up. Its easier, and I feel better about it. Yep....its still self-serving.
Friday
Family
I love them.
They pick me up when I fall.... make me strong when I weaken and wipe tears when I cry... When I don't believe in me they do. I say "I can't"....they say "You will". I say "worthless" they say "priceless".
I used to envy people born with silver spoons but the truth is silver spoons tarnish....My family is stainless steel. Amazingly strong and nothing we do or say leaves a single mark on the love between us.
Unconditional...nope...not at all. Nothing is unconditional...this is reconditional.... because when I break ....they fix me.
I love my family!!!
They pick me up when I fall.... make me strong when I weaken and wipe tears when I cry... When I don't believe in me they do. I say "I can't"....they say "You will". I say "worthless" they say "priceless".
I used to envy people born with silver spoons but the truth is silver spoons tarnish....My family is stainless steel. Amazingly strong and nothing we do or say leaves a single mark on the love between us.
Unconditional...nope...not at all. Nothing is unconditional...this is reconditional.... because when I break ....they fix me.
I love my family!!!
Sunday
Things I've learned in life:
It doesn't matter who you are or what the situation is....unless its for someone's birthday or Christmas....secrets are almost always bad and being a secret is never good. Words to live by.
We have two things of value in this life. One is time and the other is love....Give them wisely but don't horde them away in a closet.
If you don't tell something important to someone who should be aware, it may not be lying...but it sure isn't HONEST. Truth is the absence of lies but Honesty is is a bit more.
1st...Know your own value, Last...Don't accept less.
If you want a friend, be a friend.
Love, all love...not just romantic love, isn't about hearts and flowers, its about truth and acceptance and working for the greater good of another instead of the pleasure of one's self. The real thing isn't always pretty, in fact it can get pretty ugly, but there is a certain beauty in the scars. The purpose of love is not to make one feel better, it is to make one be a better person. If the pain doesn't equal the joy....you are doing it wrong.
You can be too rich and too thin. What you can't be is too generous or too healthy.
No one dies wishing they had worked harder in life, we die wishing we had loved more in life.
There is nothing wrong with feeling and acting on strong emotions when they are justified for the greater good of family, friends or even the public good, what is wrong is being self centered in those emotions...Narcissism is the root of most of society's problems. We all think we are perfect and none of us even comes close.
Everyone talks big about the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) when they are being done unto...not so much when they are doing. If we reversed that trend, imagine the change the world would see? Walk a mile in another's shoes before you pass judgement...you might just run out of things to rant about.
Silence may be golden but its not effective.
It doesn't matter who you are or what the situation is....unless its for someone's birthday or Christmas....secrets are almost always bad and being a secret is never good. Words to live by.
We have two things of value in this life. One is time and the other is love....Give them wisely but don't horde them away in a closet.
If you don't tell something important to someone who should be aware, it may not be lying...but it sure isn't HONEST. Truth is the absence of lies but Honesty is is a bit more.
1st...Know your own value, Last...Don't accept less.
If you want a friend, be a friend.
Love, all love...not just romantic love, isn't about hearts and flowers, its about truth and acceptance and working for the greater good of another instead of the pleasure of one's self. The real thing isn't always pretty, in fact it can get pretty ugly, but there is a certain beauty in the scars. The purpose of love is not to make one feel better, it is to make one be a better person. If the pain doesn't equal the joy....you are doing it wrong.
You can be too rich and too thin. What you can't be is too generous or too healthy.
No one dies wishing they had worked harder in life, we die wishing we had loved more in life.
There is nothing wrong with feeling and acting on strong emotions when they are justified for the greater good of family, friends or even the public good, what is wrong is being self centered in those emotions...Narcissism is the root of most of society's problems. We all think we are perfect and none of us even comes close.
Everyone talks big about the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) when they are being done unto...not so much when they are doing. If we reversed that trend, imagine the change the world would see? Walk a mile in another's shoes before you pass judgement...you might just run out of things to rant about.
Silence may be golden but its not effective.
Thursday
Male Cravings
I am wary of that which I crave. I keep a check on my own dependence, even while I favor dominant and bossy men. I am careful not to need a man too much, but I want to know I’m taken care of. I pay close attention to the motives of really intelligent men but I have little patience for fools. I guard myself around powerful men but need to feel protected. I think that I confuse men as much as myself. I have a running joke....*I want a man who is more of a man than I am*. 
See the thing is, as far as women go, I am pretty powerful in a lot of ways. It’s the way I was born, not a life choice. I want to be one of those soft sweet women that stand by their man and I think I could be if I had a man I could stand by. I don’t care about materialism or money, but he needs to be intelligent and passionate and strong and domineering, for me to want to be with him. He also needs to be compassionate and kind and romantic and sweet for me to be able to love him. Can you see where my problems with relationships are? I want too damn much from one person and I can’t seem to make myself settle for less. See I want the fairy tale too... 
I'm having some serious cravings. I'd like a rose....but leave the thorns on please.
Saturday
LDR = Fantasy
I know several people trying to make long distance relationships work. In addition to my own 2 serious LDR attempts (several minor LDR dating experiences as well) , I'm actually going to be talking abut 7 different couples in this post, not big details but just the oddities and commonalities I've noticed. Not one of these so called love matches have been in existence for what I would consider long term (beyond a year of exclusivity), except for my most embarrassing attempt which lasted over 2 years. Most of these couples have only spend extended time (more than a few hours) in each other's company 3 or 4 times in the space of this year. One couple has never even met in person (both parties are married to others). 2 of the couples (and I only use the term couples because the term pairs seems so cold but it is probably more suitable) have known each other in real life years and years and years ago (1 couple were high school crushes and the another couple knew each other as neighbors back in the early 90's). Without fail each of these couples, including myself in my longest LDR, believes that they are so special that GOD brought them together or back together. SERIOUSLY...when it comes to romance....we all get just that stupid.
I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning. God knows who you are. He knows where you live. If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door. WTH??? Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live. Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them. 1 pair live on separate coastlines. Yeah. That's going to work. Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.
The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates". Really? What in Hell is a soul mate anyway? Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment. I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way. I want a life mate. One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed. People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice. I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call. I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.
A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work. Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues. I still think blind faith is a mistake. Trust should be earned. It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you. My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment. I only had words to go on. Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.
Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems. Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time. They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit. Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life. Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods. They only show each other the good side. When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end. When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.
Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other. Sacrifices are always asked... but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other. I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.
I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave. Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life. Most of the time these relationships do not work though. The truth is he or she chose a different life.
I wrote this http://blessedarethemeekimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/2008/05/long-distance-relationships.html when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....
I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning. God knows who you are. He knows where you live. If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door. WTH??? Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live. Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them. 1 pair live on separate coastlines. Yeah. That's going to work. Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.
The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates". Really? What in Hell is a soul mate anyway? Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment. I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way. I want a life mate. One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed. People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice. I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call. I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.
A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work. Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues. I still think blind faith is a mistake. Trust should be earned. It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you. My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment. I only had words to go on. Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.
Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems. Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time. They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit. Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life. Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods. They only show each other the good side. When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end. When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.
Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other. Sacrifices are always asked... but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other. I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.
I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave. Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life. Most of the time these relationships do not work though. The truth is he or she chose a different life.
I wrote this http://blessedarethemeekimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/2008/05/long-distance-relationships.html when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....
Tuesday
Looking from the outside in...
So I wrote my previous post on Monday...a little over a week ago. The next day I was laid off again. Following days found life ever changing. Always something or someone keeping me busy.
I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off. I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know. I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions. I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow. My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.
People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes. So much sadness out there. So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them. We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power. We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on. Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love. I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life. FEAR NOT. The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all. Fear destroys us from the inside out. We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day. Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.
I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it. It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.
I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real. Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting. Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted. It would have been uneven love. It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us. One person can not be in a relationship alone....it just leaves you wanting. That, my friends, is always the worst thing. Wanting only increases hunger. Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.
I'm starving for real love though. I have to be so very careful. One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed. It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well. Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion. I have to be cautious. My passion is too strong when I love. I don't know how to regulate it.
I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded. I thought of keeping secrets from them before. I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path. I think I wanted to screw up. I didn't want to be stopped. Maybe I was testing them. Seeing if they were paying attention...to see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck. It worries me to think I would do that. Its addictive behavior. Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs. Secrets are ugly festering things. I need transparency in my life. I don't want to have secrets or be a secret. I don't want to make myself into a secret. Secrets are never good and almost always bad.
So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....
I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off. I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know. I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions. I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow. My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.
People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes. So much sadness out there. So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them. We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power. We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on. Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love. I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life. FEAR NOT. The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all. Fear destroys us from the inside out. We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day. Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.
I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it. It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.
I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real. Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting. Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted. It would have been uneven love. It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us. One person can not be in a relationship alone....it just leaves you wanting. That, my friends, is always the worst thing. Wanting only increases hunger. Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.
I'm starving for real love though. I have to be so very careful. One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed. It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well. Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion. I have to be cautious. My passion is too strong when I love. I don't know how to regulate it.
I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded. I thought of keeping secrets from them before. I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path. I think I wanted to screw up. I didn't want to be stopped. Maybe I was testing them. Seeing if they were paying attention...to see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck. It worries me to think I would do that. Its addictive behavior. Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs. Secrets are ugly festering things. I need transparency in my life. I don't want to have secrets or be a secret. I don't want to make myself into a secret. Secrets are never good and almost always bad.
So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....
Friday
Love has two unbreakable laws
1. You can not make someone love you.
2. You can not make someone stop.
Thursday
The Truth About Passionate Women
Y'know guys always think they want a passionate woman. What they really want is a woman who can fake passion in the bedroom.
The truth is passion is a way of BEING. You either are or you aren't.
There is no control panel where switches wait ready to turn it on when we praise your lawn mowing skills, but turn it off when we bitch about your underwear laying beside the hamper on the bathroom floor.
There is no switch where we turn it off so we don't hear your ugly words when you are drunk and think we are fat and then turn it on again to become your fantasy lover when you're done looking at your porno flicks.
It doesn't work that way. ITS EITHER ALL ON OR ALL OFF BABY!!!!!!!!!
There is no happy medium. You can trust me on this.
The woman who is calm all day long does not become an animal in the bedroom. If she does she is FAKING it. It is very easy to fake feeling emotions you don't feel.
The woman who is an animal in the bedroom is an animal all day. It is not so easy to pretend to feel nothing when you feel things twice as deeply.
If you cut me I will bleed, If you hurt me I will cry, If you please me I will do anything you ask, willing and joyful. But you can never have it all ways.
The truth about passionate women:
YOU CAN"T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!!!!
I guess that is why so many men cheat. They want one woman who is docile at home and an animal at their disposal so they can pick the mood they want.
I'm too valuable to put up with that. I'll just say NEXT (which is what I always do).
You can have the pretty wrapping or you can have the rare and freaking interesting gift inside after you open the package. You never really get to have both.
If you want to play with the box...go after docile women. If you never want to be bored again....then open the box and play with me.
The truth is passion is a way of BEING. You either are or you aren't.
There is no control panel where switches wait ready to turn it on when we praise your lawn mowing skills, but turn it off when we bitch about your underwear laying beside the hamper on the bathroom floor.
There is no switch where we turn it off so we don't hear your ugly words when you are drunk and think we are fat and then turn it on again to become your fantasy lover when you're done looking at your porno flicks.
It doesn't work that way. ITS EITHER ALL ON OR ALL OFF BABY!!!!!!!!!
There is no happy medium. You can trust me on this.
The woman who is calm all day long does not become an animal in the bedroom. If she does she is FAKING it. It is very easy to fake feeling emotions you don't feel.
The woman who is an animal in the bedroom is an animal all day. It is not so easy to pretend to feel nothing when you feel things twice as deeply.
If you cut me I will bleed, If you hurt me I will cry, If you please me I will do anything you ask, willing and joyful. But you can never have it all ways.
The truth about passionate women:
YOU CAN"T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!!!!
I guess that is why so many men cheat. They want one woman who is docile at home and an animal at their disposal so they can pick the mood they want.
I'm too valuable to put up with that. I'll just say NEXT (which is what I always do).
You can have the pretty wrapping or you can have the rare and freaking interesting gift inside after you open the package. You never really get to have both.
If you want to play with the box...go after docile women. If you never want to be bored again....then open the box and play with me.
Sunday
I H8 TXTNG
I really hate this texting stuff going on now between men and women. Seriously. I have friends that actually feel *love* for persons that are 95% wishful thinking put into text messages. These same friends come to me crying.
Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms. Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.
8-3-1 is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning. First thing ladies....no he freaking did NOT just make that up for you. He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either. He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot. If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night. He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.
If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it. He doesn't. In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you. Those other women just might ask questions. Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing. This is a way of keeping things quiet.
If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.
If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.
If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.
yeah...I do think you are stupid. I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.
I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy. My reasons are really good. I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....
Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.
Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms. Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.
8-3-1 is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning. First thing ladies....no he freaking did NOT just make that up for you. He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either. He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot. If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night. He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.
If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it. He doesn't. In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you. Those other women just might ask questions. Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing. This is a way of keeping things quiet.
If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.
If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.
If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.
yeah...I do think you are stupid. I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.
I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy. My reasons are really good. I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....
Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.
Thursday
Friends With Benefits
What is this thing all the middle aged single men have with the FWB status instead of real relationships? Do they not see that they are not the same hottie they were at 25? They sure seem to notice that women are not. Do they think that by protecting their single status that women are going to be lining up to give them the benefits they want to be paid for the pleasure of their *friendship*?
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….
Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.
Which man do you want to be with?
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
Lower your standard of living to your level of income. There is no shame in it. You will never have to give up your intellect, your body, or your piece of mind to pay the bills that way. I promise, it’s a much higher standard of living.
No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….
Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.
Which man do you want to be with?
Sunday
Intimacy
I'm realizing that I am alone because I play games.
I usually swear that isn't true, but it is. I consistently date men I know I will leave. I usually know this within 5 minutes. I think that is why I date them in the first place.
I want intimacy, but I fear it.
Love has often been a painful experience for me. I don't trust it.
Infatuation is kinder and easier to walk away from.
I need to stop with the games. Its not healthy. Its not fair.
Maybe a hiatus is in order.
Time to reevaluate.
I usually swear that isn't true, but it is. I consistently date men I know I will leave. I usually know this within 5 minutes. I think that is why I date them in the first place.
I want intimacy, but I fear it.
Love has often been a painful experience for me. I don't trust it.
Infatuation is kinder and easier to walk away from.
I need to stop with the games. Its not healthy. Its not fair.
Maybe a hiatus is in order.
Time to reevaluate.
Wednesday
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.
It seems I do a lot of writing about romance, or the lack of it. I'm looking for it, hiding from it, mad about it, sad about it, curious. Always curious.
Everything else in life seems to work out for me. Not perfectly, but usually. Right now I am jobless but hold no real fear of it, I have a lot of confidence in my employability. I don't actually feel unloved either. I have a huge family that puts the fun in dysfunctional and an eclectic variety of friends both near and far that seem to laugh at all my jokes and wish nothing but the best for me. I live simply and am not particularly ambitious for more. I have my little luxeries and few hassles. I feel good about my *Mom-life* too. My kids are great and capable. I'm looking forward to being a grandparent. I don't like the cold Winter weather much...but the other 3 seasons here keep me from actually hating my home.
Romantic love has truly eluded me though. I keep looking for that passionate friendship my grandparents shared, the one my Mom and Stepfather have. My brother and 2 sisters found it, but another sister and I just keep looking.
This constant search and the inevitable dashed hopes leave me weary these days. Unlike my sister, I'm truly independent and feel no male is superior (or inferior) to me based upon gender alone. I don't like playing the *little* woman as she does. She's flirtatous and seldom disagrees (or even discusses) heavy subjects with a man. If she did, chances are she would be flattering of his opinions. With me....it can go either way.
Its kind of funny how all my sisters and I prefer the same type of men at the core. We like them bossy. Domineering sometimes. Manly men. None of us have any respect for a man we can use like a doormat. Guess we are spoiled by the men in our family. They hold thier own for the most part.
The difference between my sisters and I is that, truth be told, its always been way too easy for me to get men to fawn all over the place.
Sometimes its entertaining, but it never holds my attention for long. Thier high opinions of me make me feel unworthy and fearful of disillusioning the poor souls. How can I let them see what they've chosen to be blind to?
No woman, no matter how successful, smart, pretty or any other pleasing adjective you can think of, really wants to be on that high horse so many men put us on. Its a long way down. I've learned to give my real trust sparingly.
Everything else in life seems to work out for me. Not perfectly, but usually. Right now I am jobless but hold no real fear of it, I have a lot of confidence in my employability. I don't actually feel unloved either. I have a huge family that puts the fun in dysfunctional and an eclectic variety of friends both near and far that seem to laugh at all my jokes and wish nothing but the best for me. I live simply and am not particularly ambitious for more. I have my little luxeries and few hassles. I feel good about my *Mom-life* too. My kids are great and capable. I'm looking forward to being a grandparent. I don't like the cold Winter weather much...but the other 3 seasons here keep me from actually hating my home.
Romantic love has truly eluded me though. I keep looking for that passionate friendship my grandparents shared, the one my Mom and Stepfather have. My brother and 2 sisters found it, but another sister and I just keep looking.
This constant search and the inevitable dashed hopes leave me weary these days. Unlike my sister, I'm truly independent and feel no male is superior (or inferior) to me based upon gender alone. I don't like playing the *little* woman as she does. She's flirtatous and seldom disagrees (or even discusses) heavy subjects with a man. If she did, chances are she would be flattering of his opinions. With me....it can go either way.
Its kind of funny how all my sisters and I prefer the same type of men at the core. We like them bossy. Domineering sometimes. Manly men. None of us have any respect for a man we can use like a doormat. Guess we are spoiled by the men in our family. They hold thier own for the most part.
The difference between my sisters and I is that, truth be told, its always been way too easy for me to get men to fawn all over the place.
Sometimes its entertaining, but it never holds my attention for long. Thier high opinions of me make me feel unworthy and fearful of disillusioning the poor souls. How can I let them see what they've chosen to be blind to?
No woman, no matter how successful, smart, pretty or any other pleasing adjective you can think of, really wants to be on that high horse so many men put us on. Its a long way down. I've learned to give my real trust sparingly.
No one is cute all the time.
I want to find a man who will love me when I'm ugly.
Monday
Armor
Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.
I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.
I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.
I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.
I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line. You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage. Too much truth can be overwhelming. We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.
Its armor. We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you." If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.
I don't want to generalize men,
I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.
I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?
I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.
I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.
I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....
Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.
Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.
It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.
I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.
I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.
I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.
I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line. You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage. Too much truth can be overwhelming. We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.
Its armor. We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you." If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.
I don't want to generalize men,
I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.
I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?
I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.
I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.
I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....
Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.
Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.
It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.
I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.
Exactly what I have to offer.
Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.
Sunday
More Autumn Reflections
We had our first snow earlier this week. Its just a teaser but Autumn seems so short a season after that first snowfall. Today it is Autumn again though. With crisp air that has me with open windows and heat too. I can't resist the call of that air.
Once again the sky is bright with hope and promise and I wonder at the majestic view of those golden treetops. My life goes through constant changes it seems and right now there are so many I feel overwhelmed. I find myself layed off for the first time since I was in my very early 20's. Financial problems won't strike for quite some time if I'm frugal, but its hard not to be that big fish in the small pond. I like being important.
Its harder on me this time too. When I was layed off in my youth I had young children and a husband I thought would always adore me. My youngest son, though autistic is nearly grown now...maybe a year or so behind in developing into an adult compared to most 17 year olds, but on his way, none-the-less, to independence, and certainly needs me much less than his older siblings did when they both were toddlers. The husband who adored me and two more after him are gone from my life and there is barely hope for a man in my heart and life right now. I have friends and family but they have their own busy lives and I'm happy for them. This leaves me lonely though, and looking for purpose beyond cleaning the apartment and applying for work.
On the horizon is my first grandchild. Billy and Celia (Princess of the Universe) are blessing our family in early February. I have a feeling the baby will be a boy, but part of me hopes for a girl that has my daughter's lovely face. I am in wonder at the miracle of life that is unfolding before me when I see her. Celia is glowing as if she has a wonderful secret and Billy is proud and expectant. They will be wonderful parents and this child, the first grandchild on both maternal and paternal sides of the family will no doubt be surrounded with love and hope. I am so joyous! I am literally longing for this child to emerge from my daughter's womb so I can envelope it in my arms. I find myself imagining a tow headed child, too smart for his/her age with sparkling hazel eyes and an infectious smile.....so like his/her parents. And I smile...
I remember my daughter's sass and brass and am grateful for Billy's quiet strength to balance this child's personality. Life is such a wonderful choice and I am happy that my child and her husband chose to create and nurture a life. I couldn't imagine better parents for any child.
Richard, always the hermit, spends his days working or playing video games. As always I wonder when he will give romance another chance instead of playing the field. He will be 30 this Summer, not too late but he's wasting time if he wants to be a parent (and he would be a wonderful parent). He is a truly good man, a big heart, very intelligent and once one knows him, an very outgoing personality. He calls me about once a month or every other month. I seldom call him because he works a lot and he's not much for chatting. Strong silent type with a storm inside his soul. I wait for him to be in the mood. He doesn't like to be pressured by me and he knows how I worry for his future, without a love in his life. I hate the thought of him not having a wife, but know it is his life to live and not mine. I am grateful he loves me even when its so difficult for him to show affection. I am grateful he is independent even as I fondly remember those days of his childhood when he very nearly worshipped the ground I trod upon. I so often remember those days and his big brown eyes looking to me for answers that I never really had.
Walter, my baby, is more man than boy these days. at 17 he still has another year of High School to go. He will only get a certificate because they changed the Spec. Ed program here and despite his intelligence, there is no way they will teach him the way he needs to get taught to get a diploma. I won't medicate him yet, despite the fact that I know aderal or ritalin will help clear his concentration. I want his brain to be more fully developed first, and puberty to be complete, there are not enough studies on the long term effects of these drugs. After he completes the certificate program, we will then proceed to medication and adult ed for a GED and then a vocational school like Ivy Tech. Walter has taken up videophotography these last few years and shows promise of a possible career in that. We will put our focus there. He is maturing emotionally now and trying harder to grow-up. The times I feel hopeless about his future are few and far between now and I'm beginning to feel as if he will succeed in life as his older siblings have. Its just taking him a bit longer is all.
I've gone a dating slow down again. I had stalker this Summer and its kind of put me off the whole dating thing. I went out with this guy one time and he just wouldn't let me go after that, no matter how many times I refused him. He tried guilt and finally anger. I had to be kind of cruel in the end, but he finally gave up. Its left a bad taste in my mouth. I have regrets about an old lover that pains my conscience from time to time. Still I long for a new romance, especially at this time of year. I have so much romantic love in me and no one wants it, or so it seems. The ones that do I tend to send away. I have mended fences with some of them though and become friends again, but the reasons those romances didn't work remain so there is no hope of reunion.
Its been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship with a man and more than a year since I thought I could love again. I have to wonder if it was my last hope. I will be 49 in January. I suppose I am capable of living life alone, but I never thought I would.
I catch myself holding conversations with our cat, Garfield, more and more these days and I wonder how I got here. Its not a bad life, just not the one I set out to have.
I am grateful though...I have so many blessings it seems selfish to whine about that one aspect of my life that I am unsatisfied with. My children are all wonderful and my daughter has a wonderful husband. There's a new baby on the way. My parents are doing as well as expected and the rest of the family is too. I finally have the time to think and to write, my life is fairly stable and its a good one. I'm grateful I have it.
Once again the sky is bright with hope and promise and I wonder at the majestic view of those golden treetops. My life goes through constant changes it seems and right now there are so many I feel overwhelmed. I find myself layed off for the first time since I was in my very early 20's. Financial problems won't strike for quite some time if I'm frugal, but its hard not to be that big fish in the small pond. I like being important.
Its harder on me this time too. When I was layed off in my youth I had young children and a husband I thought would always adore me. My youngest son, though autistic is nearly grown now...maybe a year or so behind in developing into an adult compared to most 17 year olds, but on his way, none-the-less, to independence, and certainly needs me much less than his older siblings did when they both were toddlers. The husband who adored me and two more after him are gone from my life and there is barely hope for a man in my heart and life right now. I have friends and family but they have their own busy lives and I'm happy for them. This leaves me lonely though, and looking for purpose beyond cleaning the apartment and applying for work.
On the horizon is my first grandchild. Billy and Celia (Princess of the Universe) are blessing our family in early February. I have a feeling the baby will be a boy, but part of me hopes for a girl that has my daughter's lovely face. I am in wonder at the miracle of life that is unfolding before me when I see her. Celia is glowing as if she has a wonderful secret and Billy is proud and expectant. They will be wonderful parents and this child, the first grandchild on both maternal and paternal sides of the family will no doubt be surrounded with love and hope. I am so joyous! I am literally longing for this child to emerge from my daughter's womb so I can envelope it in my arms. I find myself imagining a tow headed child, too smart for his/her age with sparkling hazel eyes and an infectious smile.....so like his/her parents. And I smile...
I remember my daughter's sass and brass and am grateful for Billy's quiet strength to balance this child's personality. Life is such a wonderful choice and I am happy that my child and her husband chose to create and nurture a life. I couldn't imagine better parents for any child.
Richard, always the hermit, spends his days working or playing video games. As always I wonder when he will give romance another chance instead of playing the field. He will be 30 this Summer, not too late but he's wasting time if he wants to be a parent (and he would be a wonderful parent). He is a truly good man, a big heart, very intelligent and once one knows him, an very outgoing personality. He calls me about once a month or every other month. I seldom call him because he works a lot and he's not much for chatting. Strong silent type with a storm inside his soul. I wait for him to be in the mood. He doesn't like to be pressured by me and he knows how I worry for his future, without a love in his life. I hate the thought of him not having a wife, but know it is his life to live and not mine. I am grateful he loves me even when its so difficult for him to show affection. I am grateful he is independent even as I fondly remember those days of his childhood when he very nearly worshipped the ground I trod upon. I so often remember those days and his big brown eyes looking to me for answers that I never really had.
Walter, my baby, is more man than boy these days. at 17 he still has another year of High School to go. He will only get a certificate because they changed the Spec. Ed program here and despite his intelligence, there is no way they will teach him the way he needs to get taught to get a diploma. I won't medicate him yet, despite the fact that I know aderal or ritalin will help clear his concentration. I want his brain to be more fully developed first, and puberty to be complete, there are not enough studies on the long term effects of these drugs. After he completes the certificate program, we will then proceed to medication and adult ed for a GED and then a vocational school like Ivy Tech. Walter has taken up videophotography these last few years and shows promise of a possible career in that. We will put our focus there. He is maturing emotionally now and trying harder to grow-up. The times I feel hopeless about his future are few and far between now and I'm beginning to feel as if he will succeed in life as his older siblings have. Its just taking him a bit longer is all.
I've gone a dating slow down again. I had stalker this Summer and its kind of put me off the whole dating thing. I went out with this guy one time and he just wouldn't let me go after that, no matter how many times I refused him. He tried guilt and finally anger. I had to be kind of cruel in the end, but he finally gave up. Its left a bad taste in my mouth. I have regrets about an old lover that pains my conscience from time to time. Still I long for a new romance, especially at this time of year. I have so much romantic love in me and no one wants it, or so it seems. The ones that do I tend to send away. I have mended fences with some of them though and become friends again, but the reasons those romances didn't work remain so there is no hope of reunion.
Its been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship with a man and more than a year since I thought I could love again. I have to wonder if it was my last hope. I will be 49 in January. I suppose I am capable of living life alone, but I never thought I would.
I catch myself holding conversations with our cat, Garfield, more and more these days and I wonder how I got here. Its not a bad life, just not the one I set out to have.
I am grateful though...I have so many blessings it seems selfish to whine about that one aspect of my life that I am unsatisfied with. My children are all wonderful and my daughter has a wonderful husband. There's a new baby on the way. My parents are doing as well as expected and the rest of the family is too. I finally have the time to think and to write, my life is fairly stable and its a good one. I'm grateful I have it.
Greetings Autumn
I watched the morning arrive today. It was cloudy and gray at first and then the sun rose high in the sky like a promise of a better life to come. The sky was painted a brilliant blue with soft white clouds here and there. It is definitely a harbinger of Autumn….
In the distance I could see a few scattered leaves on the trees turning brighter colors and even a few dried golden leaves blowing past my feet. I could feel the chill on my skin and my nose felt the effects of the cooler air and new fall blooms. I wondered exactly what it was about Fall that calms me so…. My allergies act up every year and I dread Winter as well, but something about this time makes me want to go out and smile into the World.
I want to walk on soft earth and rake up crunchy leaves. Despite the cold, I don’t want to bundle-up in a coat but prefer layers and sweaters with gloves and scarves without a hat…. I like boots, those hiking boots that lace up to the ankle and thick soles that are meant to give you support for long hikes through the woods.
I want to contemplate the meaning of life and love and hope. This weather makes me want to open up the lounge chair outside and drink my coffee while reading philosophy or the Bible out in the fresh air, maybe even some dime novel that will only make me wish for more out of life…
It clears my mind and opens my heart wide enough to let someone in. Sometimes, like today, I contemplate the few romances I thought would work. Wonder why they didn't and whether I could have acted differently.
I smile about those first simple childhood romances and wonder when exactly it became so difficult to be honest in love. Wishing I could be that girl again. For some people being single during Spring weddings, Summer beach parties or the Winter holidays are the worst…for me its this time of year… I wish I had someone to snuggle with next to a bonfire, someone to surprise me with a kiss in the frequent Autumn rain….someone to talk over life issues on long walks by the River as we watch the cooler waters swirl without boats and fewer people milling about. I miss having someone to dress up with on Halloween.
In the distance I could see a few scattered leaves on the trees turning brighter colors and even a few dried golden leaves blowing past my feet. I could feel the chill on my skin and my nose felt the effects of the cooler air and new fall blooms. I wondered exactly what it was about Fall that calms me so…. My allergies act up every year and I dread Winter as well, but something about this time makes me want to go out and smile into the World.
I want to walk on soft earth and rake up crunchy leaves. Despite the cold, I don’t want to bundle-up in a coat but prefer layers and sweaters with gloves and scarves without a hat…. I like boots, those hiking boots that lace up to the ankle and thick soles that are meant to give you support for long hikes through the woods.
I want to contemplate the meaning of life and love and hope. This weather makes me want to open up the lounge chair outside and drink my coffee while reading philosophy or the Bible out in the fresh air, maybe even some dime novel that will only make me wish for more out of life… It clears my mind and opens my heart wide enough to let someone in. Sometimes, like today, I contemplate the few romances I thought would work. Wonder why they didn't and whether I could have acted differently.
I smile about those first simple childhood romances and wonder when exactly it became so difficult to be honest in love. Wishing I could be that girl again. For some people being single during Spring weddings, Summer beach parties or the Winter holidays are the worst…for me its this time of year… I wish I had someone to snuggle with next to a bonfire, someone to surprise me with a kiss in the frequent Autumn rain….someone to talk over life issues on long walks by the River as we watch the cooler waters swirl without boats and fewer people milling about. I miss having someone to dress up with on Halloween.
I miss love in Autumn more than any other time of year.
Just a redneck in disguise
So I have been looking inside to try to figure out why I seem unable to find that certain someone. Sometimes I wonder if I already have and failed.
Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.
People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.
I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.
Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.
I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.
I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.
I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.
I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.
Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.
I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.
I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.
Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.
Maybe its more than that....
Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.
People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.
I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.
Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.
I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.
I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.
I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.
I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.
Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.
I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.
I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.
Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.
Maybe its more than that....
Saturday
Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb
Vampires.
I have a love hate thing with them....the real ones and the fantasy ones. Even when I know they would only take the life from me...
I stretch out my neck in invitation.....
It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?
Kinda....in the fantasy world.
In my real world I find these people all the time. They don't have fangs or piercing eyes...they have needs and problems and they want me to fix them.
Never mind that I have my own or that my family needs me too. I'm learning how to say "No" though. Learning the hard way actually. A few friendships have ended when I stopped the blood flow, though most have been understanding. That's a good thing really.
Eventually the wounds will heal and the sun will come out.
Sunday
Being Single.
I'm lonely. I admit it.
It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.
All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.
They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.
Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.
I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.
I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.
The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.
C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.
My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?
I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.
Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.
It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.
All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.
They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.
Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.
I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.
I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.
The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.
C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.
My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?
I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.
Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.
I'm getting comfortable being single.
I wish I weren't.
Cavemen Games
Someone said to me today that women always bring out the potty mouth when they get horny.
Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.
I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.
I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.
I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.
If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.
Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.
I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.
If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...
If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....
Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.
I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.
I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.
I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.
If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.
Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.
I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.
If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...
If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....
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