I am wary of that which I crave. I keep a check on my own dependence, even while I favor dominant and bossy men. I am careful not to need a man too much, but I want to know I’m taken care of. I pay close attention to the motives of really intelligent men but I have little patience for fools. I guard myself around powerful men but need to feel protected. I think that I confuse men as much as myself. I have a running joke....*I want a man who is more of a man than I am*. See the thing is, as far as women go, I am pretty powerful in a lot of ways. It’s the way I was born, not a life choice. I want to be one of those soft sweet women that stand by their man and I think I could be if I had a man I could stand by. I don’t care about materialism or money, but he needs to be intelligent and passionate and strong and domineering, for me to want to be with him. He also needs to be compassionate and kind and romantic and sweet for me to be able to love him. Can you see where my problems with relationships are? I want too damn much from one person and I can’t seem to make myself settle for less. See I want the fairy tale too... I'm having some serious cravings. I'd like a rose....but leave the thorns on please.
So I wrote my previous post on Monday...a little over a week ago. The next day I was laid off again. Following days found life ever changing. Always something or someone keeping me busy.
I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off. I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know. I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions. I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow. My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.
People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes. So much sadness out there. So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them. We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power. We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on. Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love. I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life. FEAR NOT. The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all. Fear destroys us from the inside out. We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day. Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.
I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it. It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.
I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real. Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting. Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted. It would have been uneven love. It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us. One person can not be in a relationship alone....it just leaves you wanting. That, my friends, is always the worst thing. Wanting only increases hunger. Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.
I'm starving for real love though. I have to be so very careful. One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed. It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well. Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion. I have to be cautious. My passion is too strong when I love. I don't know how to regulate it.
I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded. I thought of keeping secrets from them before. I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path. I think I wanted to screw up. I didn't want to be stopped. Maybe I was testing them. Seeing if they were paying attention...to see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck. It worries me to think I would do that. Its addictive behavior. Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs. Secrets are ugly festering things. I need transparency in my life. I don't want to have secrets or be a secret. I don't want to make myself into a secret. Secrets are never good and almost always bad.
So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....
Y'know guys always think they want a passionate woman. What they really want is a woman who can fake passion in the bedroom.
The truth is passion is a way of BEING. You either are or you aren't.
There is no control panel where switches wait ready to turn it on when we praise your lawn mowing skills, but turn it off when we bitch about your underwear laying beside the hamper on the bathroom floor.
There is no switch where we turn it off so we don't hear your ugly words when you are drunk and think we are fat and then turn it on again to become your fantasy lover when you're done looking at your porno flicks.
It doesn't work that way. ITS EITHER ALL ON OR ALL OFF BABY!!!!!!!!!
There is no happy medium. You can trust me on this.
The woman who is calm all day long does not become an animal in the bedroom. If she does she is FAKING it. It is very easy to fake feeling emotions you don't feel.
The woman who is an animal in the bedroom is an animal all day. It is not so easy to pretend to feel nothing when you feel things twice as deeply.
If you cut me I will bleed, If you hurt me I will cry, If you please me I will do anything you ask, willing and joyful. But you can never have it all ways.
The truth about passionate women:
YOU CAN"T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!!!!!
I guess that is why so many men cheat. They want one woman who is docile at home and an animal at their disposal so they can pick the mood they want.
I'm too valuable to put up with that. I'll just say NEXT (which is what I always do).
You can have the pretty wrapping or you can have the rare and freaking interesting gift inside after you open the package. You never really get to have both.
If you want to play with the box...go after docile women. If you never want to be bored again....then open the box and play with me.
After I dropped the last guy who liked me just before New Years (he may have thought he was special to me if I'd gone out with him), I started, again, wondering why I can't seem to find the love I so want.
It hurts sometimes.
The truth is I did find it a long time ago but my fears ruined it then and several other attempts with the same man. Instead of getting over it-----I have been trying to over compensate for it.
I am always looking for the error, waiting for the failure and expecting that my love will never be good enough. Just like Job...the things I greatly fear come upon me. Men say all the pretty words I want to hear but want them back and that ends it.
I try to convince myself and everyone else that they are asking too much and rushing me but that isn't and hasn't been the truth for a long time. They behave as all men do when a woman is enticing them and backing off.
I am the master of mixed signals. I'm a tease. I don't play fair. They fell in love with the woman I was pretending to be. I never let them close enough to know what a bitch I really am.
I wanted it all to be true with these guys. I wanted to be who they thought I was. I wanted to believe I was really looking for love but my heart has been blocked off for a long while. I haven't been playing with it...I've been playing at romance with my ego instead.
No doubt I've been treated badly a few times, but I probably brought it on myself. I need to stop pretending to be whoever I figure they want me to be.
Maybe I will date and maybe I won't. Today dating somehow just doesn't seem that important anymore.
My heart is otherwise occupied filtering through the damage I've done in my life and wondering how to make things right again.
It seems I do a lot of writing about romance, or the lack of it. I'm looking for it, hiding from it, mad about it, sad about it, curious. Always curious.
Everything else in life seems to work out for me. Not perfectly, but usually. Right now I am jobless but hold no real fear of it, I have a lot of confidence in my employability. I don't actually feel unloved either. I have a huge family that puts the fun in dysfunctional and an eclectic variety of friends both near and far that seem to laugh at all my jokes and wish nothing but the best for me. I live simply and am not particularly ambitious for more. I have my little luxeries and few hassles. I feel good about my *Mom-life* too. My kids are great and capable. I'm looking forward to being a grandparent. I don't like the cold Winter weather much...but the other 3 seasons here keep me from actually hating my home.
Romantic love has truly eluded me though. I keep looking for that passionate friendship my grandparents shared, the one my Mom and Stepfather have. My brother and 2 sisters found it, but another sister and I just keep looking.
This constant search and the inevitable dashed hopes leave me weary these days. Unlike my sister, I'm truly independent and feel no male is superior (or inferior) to me based upon gender alone. I don't like playing the *little* woman as she does. She's flirtatous and seldom disagrees (or even discusses) heavy subjects with a man. If she did, chances are she would be flattering of his opinions. With me....it can go either way.
Its kind of funny how all my sisters and I prefer the same type of men at the core. We like them bossy. Domineering sometimes. Manly men. None of us have any respect for a man we can use like a doormat. Guess we are spoiled by the men in our family. They hold thier own for the most part.
The difference between my sisters and I is that, truth be told, its always been way too easy for me to get men to fawn all over the place.
Sometimes its entertaining, but it never holds my attention for long. Thier high opinions of me make me feel unworthy and fearful of disillusioning the poor souls. How can I let them see what they've chosen to be blind to?
No woman, no matter how successful, smart, pretty or any other pleasing adjective you can think of, really wants to be on that high horse so many men put us on. Its a long way down. I've learned to give my real trust sparingly.
No one is cute all the time.
I want to find a man who will love me when I'm ugly.
Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.
I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.
I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.
I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.
I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line. You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage. Too much truth can be overwhelming. We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.
Its armor. We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you." If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.
I don't want to generalize men,
I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.
I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?
I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.
I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.
I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....
Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off.Thats when he can see who I really am.
Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.
It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.
I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.
Exactly what I have to offer.
Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.
So I have been looking inside to try to figure out why I seem unable to find that certain someone. Sometimes I wonder if I already have and failed.
Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.
People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.
I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.
Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.
I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.
I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.
I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.
I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.
Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.
I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.
I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.
Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.
It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.
All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.
They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.
Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.
I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.
I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.
The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.
C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.
My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?
I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.
Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.
Someone said to me today that women always bring out the potty mouth when they get horny.
Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.
I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.
I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.
I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.
If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.
Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.
I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.
If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...
If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....
The thing is we waste love by not using it. Love isn't any good just sitting in our hearts. We have to put it out into the world.
It needs a recipient to work its magic.
If its not given, and when its not taken, it can turn into ugly festering things.
I tried to give mine away recently. For him I think it turned into self centeredness and narcissm. Not the stuff you usually think about but more a self protective shell that insured that he would not need another for fulfilment. Truth be told, I probably made him that way.
To me it is sad, and a little painful to have my efforts rejected.
Sometimes when one doesn't know what to do, one does nothing and that is the worst thing of all.
For me, it is the frustration of being left holding a wondrous gift that was never even opened because the recipient neither seen the need for such a gift nor acknowledged the desire for it. I truly think it is what he most needed.
I still have my gift but it remains unopened and on a shelf for the time being. It taunts my pride but even that doesn't change the beauty that outshines the packaging.
Someone will want this gift one day, and I'm glad that I still have it.
Maybe I'm just stupid. I don't understand all this hot and cold shit that men do.
I want a certain amount of stability and comfort in my relationships.
I want to feel like I am where I am wanted.
I want to count on truth.
I hate stereotypical stuff. I keep finding it though.
Men chase after me. Sometimes it even gets on my nerves with all their bold words and impossible promises. They think nothing of interupting my schedule during this chase. Its like I can't be anymore than I am and they can't get enough of that. Once I accept them it quickly cools. Usually I find this stage, initially, quite a relief. Its certainly less pressure and potential embarrassment.
The part I don't like is the last part. The part where I don't matter.
Usually that is where I dump them without an opportunity for reparation.
I've been a party to a lot of romances. Some more serious than others.
I've been in-love a few times.
Every time is different. Every time is the first time.
Every break-up hurts a little different too.
I'm still looking for that forever thing.
I must have that spine of steel my Grandpa always said I had...or at least nerves of steel.
Science says we, especially women, are hardwired to want that. I believe it.
In school we were taught that all we needed to live was food, water, shelter...but I think they should include love in that equation. See we also need to want to live. Not that I am suicidal or anything, I have love, lots of it, children, family, friends, and a longing and a hope for that someone one day.
Its frustrating to keep trying and keep failing time and time again.
I feel battered and bruised inside sometimes and no doubt the men I've left behind feel much the same way at times. 6 1/2 billion people and so many of us can't find that "one"........
Love was easier 100 years ago when there weren't so many life choices and we all weren't so self sufficient that we didn't really need anyone. I think it helps to actually need someone when you go looking for love. My independence and self sufficiency have hurt me in the love games. The guys who feel I need them are few and far between, and usually wrong anyway.
I've been trying to soften my heart, learn tolerance and acceptance, been trying to open myself up to dependence.
It isn't easy. I have to let myself fall in love. I have a big heart but falling in love doesn't come natural to me. I've learned too many times that some people can't be trusted so its harder for me to let go of my grip on my heart and let myself drift.
Why do they call it falling anyway?
Its not like that for me. When I start slipping on the grass on my way up that cliff where I just know my true love waits, I get nervous and stressed.
I feel the fatigue of all the years of climbing up that same path and running back down it to safety.
The few times I've stood at the edge of that cliff I see that wonderful ocean of possibility just waiting for me to dive in it. Beautiful waves of hope, the crisp clean scent of contentment, and endless miles to the horizon of happily ever after.
Unfortunately, I also see the sharp ragged edges of the rocks where my previous relationships landed, the boulders of blocked memories and reefs full of crushed dreams. To get to that ocean I have to get past those.
I'm too cautious to fall. If I want to be in that ocean, I'm going to have to take a dive.
I can feel the winds of promise on my back as I stand there...pushing at me...
My body is still scraped and bloody from wounds that never quite healed from the jumps I attempted before.
Sometimes there is one beside me and I know that if he just held out his hand and took the jump with me that I would dive right into it.
I don't think I can do it by myself. I don't want to be alone...............
I need a hero...... Someone with nerves of steel.
I seem pretty good at climbing up to the top of the precipice though.
I can stare right into the fathomless depths.....
There is a strange beauty between the hope and despair.
Remember when real men didn't eat quiche or wear pink?
Maybe I am just one of those women who really appreciate a good whisker burn, I don't know.
I just like cavemen.
I think its funny when they burp. I laugh at fart jokes. I think Jim Belushi is the bomb!
When I run across a *real* guy I don't hold his testosterone against him. I'm much more likely to want to hold it against me. I think I get high off the stuff.
I don't want a wussy boy who wears make-up and admires my shoes.
I want wolf whistles from some messy-headed manly man with a beer in one hand while he holds my door open with the other all the while looking me up and down and asking "What's for dinner baby" like I am the one woman who can take care of ALL his hungers.
I don't want him to be prettier than me.
The guy I am going to fall for is the type who will come out in the pouring rain to get the groceries because he doesn't want me to get wet. He couldn't care less what it does to his doc martens. He probably won't even own a pair. He might even come out in the rain barefoot (maybe even making that gorgeous Tim Allen's barking noise). I'm sure his jeans will be worn at the knees and butt, his t-shirt will probably have some off color remark written across his chest.
His smile will be warm and welcoming though.
He'll be happy to see me. Glad that I am his even if I act like such a girl sometimes.
He will wonder how the car is running but grow bored when I start rattling on too much about the usual BS gossip at work. He'll distract me with lecherous gropes and whisper sweet and naughty nothings against my ear. I'll have to remind him that kids are about because he won't even notice and if he does, he probably won't care.
He definitely will not be clean shaven at 5 in the evening wearing manpris, mandals and carrying a murse!
Girly men are for amazons. I want a caveman.....all man all the time.......
Most of the guys I talk with will never get past the talk stage with me. They all hope they will. Most of them believe they will be able to sweep past my defenses with their charm, arrogance or wit. I do so love the daring-do types. I’m not stupid though.
I want to see inside their heads before my body gets too involved. My body isn’t where my brains are. I want to make sure that they are consistent in what they say. I want to make sure that I can agree with the basic beliefs and tenets they hold. I want to make sure they are *strong enough* to be my man. I'm just not that easy to love.....
I wish I were less complicated....I’ve been blogging for years... I thought blasting things out to the world would somehow make me better for a time....not sure whether it did or didn't. I'd like to think that catharsis is good though. I’ve deleted more than I have left now.
I'm too passionate. I know that. What I don't know is how to fix it. I love too much....need love too much. I'm demanding in a lot of ways....but I think I give it back. I want to. I try to.
My history is so convoluted. I can't change that. Some things taint you in unexpected ways. You think you are ok and then you realize that nooooooo normal is not like you.
You wake up and aren't sure where the dreams and nightmares actually end.
You confuse pleasure with pain and you confuse lust with love.
Sometimes you can't tell the truth from lies.
You went to sleep thinking that all was right in the World and you wake up wondering if today is the day the World will end.
You question God. You second guess *the plan*. You wonder what the point is in being good....but you can't bring yourself to risk letting go of your Grandpa’s wisdom....no one else ever loved you that much.....
You always wonder....question....ask *What if*.
Sleep eludes you.
And sometimes you wake up screaming.
I need to find someone who is similarly tainted I think....someone who is like me....or maybe what I need is to find someone who hasn't been damaged at all....
I hide myself and then I show all of myself at once...just before I put on a mask.
Sometimes I'm really ugly. Not easy to love.....but I need it so much.....
How am I ever going to find a man who can put up with me?
There is a man I work with, for his privacy I will just use his initial G. G. is a tall middle aged, well educated black man. I love to hear him talk, he sounds like James Earl Jones.
He has never been a romantic interest, Heaven forbid. I admire him though. He is a wonderful human being. Extremely intelligent. Good heart.
We hit it off immediately. We share shifts about 3 times a week and always find time to talk. We are both intellectuals and interested in a lot more than whatever celebrity will be staying in the hotel next. We discuss politics, religion, gender issues and current events. He fulfills a need in me to communicate with other adults that I am unable to fulfill now due to my family's lack of education, my older children growing up, and just being without a significant other.
In a way, he makes it easy for me to wait until I can have the right relationship without jumping into one out of lonliness. He gives me just enough brain food to keep me from starving.
In the time, I've known him, he has helped me become resolute about the type of man I want. G. has been married forever. Same woman. He's devoted to her. He calls her his girlfriend. He doesn't cheat. They are friends, he respects her. I wish I could meet her. I feel as if I know her. Sometimes I think in another age, or even now if I hadn't had so many events at such young ages, I could be her. I would have been happy to have that kind of life. She is too.
G and Mrs. G. have 2 children who are very successful in their own rights. I think maybe G did his job as a parent too well, they fend pretty well for themselves now and I think he likes looking after me a bit at work because of it. G and Mrs. G. are an example of a couple who have the kind of relationship I want.
Sometimes he gives me a ride home from work. He's like that, kind of protective over me in a fatherly fashion. He is probably the only person I talk to at work that I don't feel the need to censure myself with. We agree on most issues and respect each other when we don't.
I need those few minutes with my friend often. He knows what is going on in my life and his advice is always sound. I wish I had my father or grandfather to talk to, but I'm beginning to think that he is the next best thing. I can trust him because there is nothing that I can do for him. All he wants is to be my friend, and you know what? He is.
He can't solve my problems. There are no answers right now. He does reassure me. He calls me wise, and I believe he means it. Once he said I should have been born a hundred years ago (when he claims to have been), I would have fit in better. Of course I would have been unemployed then, roflmao....no computers.
Ok . I will come up with a real answer. I thought I had answered it a couple of ways, but according to my friends, I am not being specific enough.
I want to fall in love and I want the one I fall for to fall for me too. I won't even admit I love him until he admits it first. Why? Because I want him to be *the man*. I want him to be my *Adam*.
I am not a weak-minded woman and in fact, I realize that I am asking for trouble by wanting that. Its not an easy thing for me to want, but I believe the fact that I have either never met my *Adam* or failed to recognise him, is the reason why my relationships have not worked.
I believe God made me the way I am because somewhere in this world, hopefully not far from me there is a man who needs a woman like me. That's right I said needs. I need him and he needs me. Desperate need. Like food water and shelter. Need like he's missing a rib and I have the only one that fits. I have to tell you....it is an unusual rib to boot. It fits someone who is a cross between the Tin Man and Rhett Butler.
For future reference, the domination I speak of is not about being battered. I would never put up with physical abuse (notwithstanding consensual sexual play and even that has its limits). I don't want a man to hurt me. I don't want to hurt him either. I also don't need a man to boss me around, I certainly expect my man to respect me and every opinion I have. I also don't want to be stalked, harrassed, emotionally or verbally abused.
I want a best friend and a mentor too. In my trusting relationships, I find I am a bit more like Dorothy in the land of Oz than I care to admit. I am not sure of the rules of engagement. I share all I have. I want to play nice and I get my feelings hurt easily. I need to find a man who really wants this battered up old heart of mine. I'd love to dance a dance with the tin-man!
But, in every partnership there is always the one who has the final say, who leads the way and sets the tone. I want to be dominated that way. I want my man to be the head of our relationship and I will be the heart. I want our roles defined. I want to have the traditional biblical relationship. I want to be his rib...his help-mate. His missing part, the part that supports him.
Back to the subject at hand.
I want to be dominated, not because I need to be, but because I am supposed to be. God intended it that way for me. Otherwise I would not have such a strong desire for it. The Good Lord, in his wisdom, also made it very difficult to dominate me. He is going to need to be quite the man.
My alphabet is true...so is every other post I've written. I believe in truth so whoever chooses to be my man will out of necessity, need to appreciate and practice truth too. I need frankness and honesty like bread and water. I don't want a man who is afraid of hurting my girly little feelings. I want a man who can tell it like it is, hopefully I will like it but if I don't, then he needs to find a way to gain my acceptance or to put his foot down.
I appreciate character, kindness and leadership qualities. I seriously love a rakish sense of humor and sexual naughtiness. I demand loyalty and commitment. I will not abide being cheated on nor will I allow him to abuse me or my children (or any children he may have for that matter).
He has to be willing to overlook and forgive my past mistakes and be ready to start a new life with me, just as I am willing to overlook and forgive his past mistakes and begin a new life with him.
Basically I feel like Scarlett O'Hara sometimes and I'm looking for my Rhett Butler. (and I am taking both Gone with the Wind and Scarlett into consideration, I lived a milder version of her life, 20th Century style).
Yeah I'm kind of like her, I started out a bit of a femme fatale and now I'm sorry for the siren I was, I played with boys and broke too many hearts but now I want to get in the real game with a real man....and yeah Rhett Butler is my kind of man...I wouldn't care if he was dirt poor.
Why Rhett Butler? Well I know why most women loved him....and those are some of the reasons I like him.... He was a bit incorrigible, devilishly handsome, money meant nothing to him and OMG the passion!.... I'm hot for him for a couple of other reasons though...
Even though he loved Scarlett, he was never blind to her. He SAW her, flaws and virtues and not just her pretty face and not just her sexy body.... He always took what he want and demanded she give him everything she was, her practiced charms were never enough, she had to learn him too. He wouldn't play her stupid little games, he called her on it every time. He made her better than she was because he demanded of her all she could be and not just what she was. Even then, he still provided her with all she ever needed. Her mistake was in not letting him know how much she loved him.
If I ever meet my Rhett....I am going to seek to please him and never hold back my emotion or my words.
I like to think that if this series had ever been completed we would have found them dead sometime in their 90s wrapped up in each other's naked bodies in their bed. That's the way great love stories should always end.
So I've somewhat described who I want.... There are other things, I need him to like kids and to be patient with teens. I need him not to be an asshole. I need a lot of sex....and some of what I want is more than I can print in these pages, even though I think I am pretty open. Its not that I'm ashamed of the things I want and need.... I just don't want to have to explain to him later why I shared that information with so many people when some of them are male.
See I want him to be a bit jealous and possessive of me too.
I read all these personal ads declaring that this person or that person *doesn't want any DRAMA*....
Me I want it....I want all his drama and all his passion....
I want to stir him up to boiling!
Someone asked me today what I wanted in a man. Truth is I want it all. I'm a greedy little bitch sometimes.
I like to say I want to find a caveman and dress him up in a suit.
I want a really savage caveman too boot....and a fancy suit.
Basically I want him to be the *MAN*. I know....I know....that is tres sexist of me.
But lets just do my alphabet.... A is for Alpha Male.
(I want a man, not a boy, and I want THE man, not a man) B is for Boyish.(one should never lose the part of themself that plays) C is for Crazy.(about me and a little nuttiness makes everyone more fun) D is for Dominant.(I'm old fashioned, and also its a sexual quirk) E is for Energetic (He's going to need it!).(I may be older but I'm not dead yet) F is for Friend.
(Can't love someone if you don't like someone first) G is for Goofy.
(laughter is a wonderful thing)
H is for Human.(you would be surprised how many people lose their humanity by my age)
I is for Incorrigible.(I enjoy people who live life on their own terms)
J is for Jovial.(I like likable people best)
K is for Kind.(There is never a good excuse to be unkind) L is for Large.
(I don't see how I could feel dominated by a smaller man...he just has to be taller than me...I don't want to look down on him) M is for Masculine.(I like men with all the usual good and bad qualities, if I wanted someone who with my own traits I would be a lesbian) N is for Naughty.
(Yes!!! Shock me! Make me blush! Tease me about how you will please me! Make me admit I like it...) O is for Optimistic.
(its better to be happy than not, its better to have hope than suffer despair) P is for Possessive.
(I want to be HIS, I am not talking stalking or jealous rages, but if he doesn't mind when some other guy tries to move in on his territory he is not going to be man enough for me)
Q is for Questioning.
(I love curious people....male and female.) R is for Rowdy.
(Movers and shakers well...they move and shake me! ) S is for Sexy.(I'm not talking looks...I'm talking attitude. I'm not going to complain that's alllll you think about....unless you aren't doing enough acting on those thoughts... ) T is for Teasing.
(Know me well and let me know it....and let me know you too. ) U is for Unusual.(Average is for Average, I want someone who thinks outside of the box and lives a real life, not the one everyone thinks he should.) V is for Virile.(Sex is part of love. I want it all, and lots of it.) W is for Wild.(I want your raw emotion, I don't want you to be civilized with me, I want to have access to all your passions. ) X is for X-rated.
(I may not share, but I'm willing to give YOU everything I've got. ) Y is for Yummy.(I want to taste your kisses and your skin.) Z is for Zainy.
(Lets tickle, lets crash a party and dance the night away....Lets go for a ride and make out in a corn field...Build me a snow couple! I want to play!)
I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it.
It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth.
It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.
My steel spine feels as soft as jello.
My heart isn't hard, it is broken.
Words are all I can relate to, all I understand.
I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.
There ought to be more.
I read this today.
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman
I also read a letter from him. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier.
There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me.
Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made.
Do you suppose I am his ego feed?
Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better.
It doesn't work.
I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions.
It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head.
Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional.
I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.
I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway.
Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.
More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.
I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.
So I am looking for Mr. Notquiteright Inthehead. Oh how I dream of you...night and day....
I hunger for your sloppy kisses and look for your crooked grin.
I wait to have you step on my feet in the dance of life.
I am listening for your crackly voice on the phone.
Longing to stare into your glassy eyes.
All I know is that when I find you..........
You will be perfect to me.
I am wary of that which I crave. I keep a check on my own dependence, even while I favor dominant and bossy men. I am careful not to need a man too much, but I want to know I’m taken care of. I pay close attention to the motives of really intelligent men but I have little patience for fools. I guard myself around powerful men but need to feel protected. I think that I confuse men as much as myself. I have a running joke....*I want a man who is more of a man than I am*. 
See the thing is, as far as women go, I am pretty powerful in a lot of ways. It’s the way I was born, not a life choice. I want to be one of those soft sweet women that stand by their man and I think I could be if I had a man I could stand by. I don’t care about materialism or money, but he needs to be intelligent and passionate and strong and domineering, for me to want to be with him. He also needs to be compassionate and kind and romantic and sweet for me to be able to love him. Can you see where my problems with relationships are? I want too damn much from one person and I can’t seem to make myself settle for less. See I want the fairy tale too... 
I'm having some serious cravings. I'd like a rose....but leave the thorns on please.
