Not as good at this as I thought

I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it.

It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth.

It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.

My steel spine feels as soft as jello.

My heart isn't hard, it is broken.

Words are all I can relate to, all I understand.

I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.

There ought to be more.

I read this today.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I also read a letter from him. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier.

There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me.

Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made.

Do you suppose I am his ego feed?

Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better.

It doesn't work.

I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions.

It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head.

Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional.

I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.

I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway.

Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.

More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.

I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.

Somehow he'd make everything all right again.

I miss my Grandpa.

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