Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday
Christmas Revisted (repost & revised)
9 Days until Christmas...Its time for my annual letter to Santa... I think I was nicer this year....so maybe....
Dear Santa,
I didn't get what I wished for this past year.... I must have been naughtier than I thought (funny I don't remember having THAT much fun!). Maybe it was just lost in the e-mail.....
Sweet, Sweet Santa, I have been a good....well mostly good....Ok ok....I tried really kind of hard to be a good girl this year. At least I am honest. I'll try to do even better next year and I won't play any ..... wellllll any SERIOUS pranks on strangers if you will just grant me this one simple little...ok well ummm rather large and complicated wish this year. (See I AM being honest).
I know I've bugged you for stupid stuff in the past, and I am still waiting patiently on that clock that will turn back time and make me 25 again....but I wasn't very nice the year I made that wish, so I understand why its so late in coming. You've been very understanding of my little mishaps and I'm so grateful...but still I ask you for this one thing every year and I think I deserve it now....I think I deserve it every time.
I know I've been kind of greedy these past few years. I wanted my kids to be happy and healthy and the same for myself. I think I wished a million things for my Sweet Heather, the baby doll you gave my daughter a couple of years ago. (She is spectacular by the way and growing up fast....you could slow that down just a bit....). You've been really good to me all these years! I'm really very thankful for all my wonderful blessings and gifts in this life already but just one thing is truly missing and it is a terrible thing to miss! I know that I shouldn't keep asking for more....but I can't seem to stop wanting this one thing....
I need a container for all the love and passion I have left over from the blessings in my life. See the problem with love is the more you get, the more you give, the more you give, the more you get. It really is a vicious circle! Now I have all this love laying around all over the place. It's making quite the mess around my heart. It's creeping into my brain and creating passionate desires that have me tripping and falling all over myself.
I need somewhere to put it all. Preferably in the size range of 5'6 and 6' tall so it can fit into my life easily. I have a lot of love and passion to store so the container must be both stable and sturdy. I do like unusual twists though, so please keep it interesting. I dream of something that is painted with humor and accessorized with kindness and hope. I know you can do this. Your elves have a reputation for making the impossible possible.
What I really dream of in this receptacle is openness and the ability to recycle the love and passion I place in it and feed it back to me. This would be so much more economical than just letting it sit inside me like a landfill. I'm not particular about the brand name. So long as the name has a decent reputation, I would be pleased to have it around me. Please make it a dominating presence in my home and my life, I want it to be noticed. I prefer containers that have a soft inner lining because some of the stuff I would put into it is quite fragile. It's ok if its unusual looking. I don't care whether its top is covered or left bare. It doesn't even have to be new and it can have smaller versions attached to it. I don't mind a few cracks and scratches. Sometimes that adds an ethereal beauty to it.
Yes you know exactly what I want Santa. I knew you would.
Dear Santa, Please bring Prince (maybe not quite) Charming to me.... I promise I'll bake cookies. Chocolate Chip even! I'll be good too.....verrrrrry verrrrry good.... (no I am not winking) Thank you in advance.....
Your friend, Tressa Bailey
Merry Christmas!!!!
Thursday
And the STUPID Award Goes To.............................................
My mother sent me this in an email. I thought I knew stupid....but I haven't met this guy yet.....
I wouldn't date him.....but I'd love to invite him to a party.........
At least they were taking hygiene into consideration....
Bet you are wondering why I am posting this......
Well................ the purpose of this GUY's surgery is
Believe it or not............................
Breast Implants!!!!!
For his tattoo!!!!!
I wouldn't date him.....but I'd love to invite him to a party.........
What is the dumbest thing you've heard of recently?
Friday
Hope Springs Eternal
I started dating again. Not *real* dating. But I've gone on two lunch dates and met a guy for coffee. 3 different men in the last few weeks.
I actually caught myself looking at the last guy's watch as I sipped my cappuccinno.
I seriously want to find real lasting love but I hate the whole looking for it bit. Each one of those guys is and will remain a first date only.
The first one didn't ask me one personal question, nor answer any of mine directly. He just kept going on and on about his work situation and what an idiot his boss was.
The second date was with a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who wanted to talk about all the bizarre sexual things he had seen on the internet whilst acting like he was embarrassed by such things. I suspect the truth was he was gauging my reaction. My reaction was basically a blank stare as if it was all perfectly normal.
Mr. Double Latte bored me by trying to prove his masculinity to me by all the road rage incidents and fights he had gotten into. Bad boy from Brooklyn. yeah right. He was barely bigger than me and not a callous on his hands. He used to be rich he says but the women pretty much used up his money. (Like I care) To say the least....I remained unimpressed.
During this time another guy tried to impress me by saying he was a cop. Turned out the truth was he was a former security guard and was now trying to get disability because the bump he got on his head during an arrest had somehow given him brain damage but he can manuever a blackberry like no one's business. BTW he lives with his mother. Needless to say the more I got to know the less I wanted to know and I politely declined his request for a date.
I would kill for a construction guy with a conscience at this point. How about a factory worker? I'd date a real cop or even a business man or engineer/scientist type if their ego wasn't too big. Are there any single farmers out there? Where oh where is average (and almost normal) Joe?
How do I meet all these other weirdos?
I keep hoping.... I keep trying.... I just hate all the dating.
I actually caught myself looking at the last guy's watch as I sipped my cappuccinno.
I seriously want to find real lasting love but I hate the whole looking for it bit. Each one of those guys is and will remain a first date only.
The first one didn't ask me one personal question, nor answer any of mine directly. He just kept going on and on about his work situation and what an idiot his boss was.
The second date was with a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who wanted to talk about all the bizarre sexual things he had seen on the internet whilst acting like he was embarrassed by such things. I suspect the truth was he was gauging my reaction. My reaction was basically a blank stare as if it was all perfectly normal.
Mr. Double Latte bored me by trying to prove his masculinity to me by all the road rage incidents and fights he had gotten into. Bad boy from Brooklyn. yeah right. He was barely bigger than me and not a callous on his hands. He used to be rich he says but the women pretty much used up his money. (Like I care) To say the least....I remained unimpressed.
During this time another guy tried to impress me by saying he was a cop. Turned out the truth was he was a former security guard and was now trying to get disability because the bump he got on his head during an arrest had somehow given him brain damage but he can manuever a blackberry like no one's business. BTW he lives with his mother. Needless to say the more I got to know the less I wanted to know and I politely declined his request for a date.
I would kill for a construction guy with a conscience at this point. How about a factory worker? I'd date a real cop or even a business man or engineer/scientist type if their ego wasn't too big. Are there any single farmers out there? Where oh where is average (and almost normal) Joe?
How do I meet all these other weirdos?
I keep hoping.... I keep trying.... I just hate all the dating.
Saturday
My Mother's Mother
A week ago today my family and I celebrated the life of my Grandmother. I think I've finally come to terms with everything....
I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.
Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....
Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.
Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.
As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.
We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.
She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.
Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.
Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!
Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.
I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.
Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*
I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.
So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.
She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.
We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.
Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.
We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.
Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.
I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.
Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.
I know she lives for you too..
So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.
You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go
For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go
Thank you.
I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.
Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....
Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.
Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.
As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.
We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.
She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.
Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.
Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!
Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.
I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.
Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*
I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.
So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.
She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.
We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.
Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.
We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.
Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.
I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.
Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.
I know she lives for you too..
So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.
You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free
Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go
For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go
Thank you.
FU VALENTINE!!!!
Ahhhhhh the love....the romance of it all....
To all of you lucky in love I wish you many glorious Valentine Days to come.
To all of you not-so-lucky ones, like me, I offer you a bit of solace to make your Valentine's Day the best it has ever been....
Wednesday
Reflections about Grandma
I can't write about my Grandma and not write about myself and the other women in my family. Somehow we are one and the same. I have often written about the women in my family. We outnumber the men, I think its probably about 3 to 1 normally in our genetic history, though sometimes it seems closer to 4 to 1, my siblings are 4 to 1. I have a saying, *We don't have an x gene, we have a capital X gene.*
We women absolutely adore the men, they are a jovial bunch! They kind of have to be, a sense of humor is a must when you are surrounded by wildly passionate females. The women are all strong. At risk of insulting the men, we are the strongest gender in our family. We never give up and we are the ones who inspire or force the men to become the leaders that they usually are. Even my mildest female relative, my baby sister Rhonda, who I've often mentioned, is a handful. No one else but me would dare call her mild. We all avoid confronting each other. We know that we are formidable. Nothing is more hair raising than to watch two women in our family disagree. Personally I'd rather fight a thug from the streets.
This sisterhood is passed, it seems, down the maternal line as well. My sisters and I, despite the differences we note from time to time, are really quite alike. We have the soul and the passion of our mother and our maternal aunt. Our mother and our aunt had the soul of our grandmother, who from what I understand inherited her spirit from her mother, whom I never knew. We all may have bits and pieces of our fathers in us, they pass on beliefs and kindness to us. But the truth of it all is that without this *never say die, never give up, never give in* spirit in our female lineage, I think our family would have died out during the potato famine in Ireland. That is when another woman, down the female line, raised her numerous siblings and made it to America, her siblings in tow. The next generation of females, which include my spirited daughter Celia, are even stronger.
On the outside and to outsiders we may appear to be socially acceptable and appear to be ladies most of the time. Appearances can be deceiving and so can we. The women of our family never needed the women's liberation movement. We never needed a law to tell us that we are as good or as capable as a man or to demand and receive justice in a man's world. All we ever needed was recent family history. We usually outwardly conformed to the social rules of history while breaking numerous conventions privately. Unless we didn't care a flying uknowwhat, then we would break the rules and damn the consequences. History repeats itself alot in my family.
My Grandma skipped school one day and married a Cherokee boy. When she married him interacial marriage was illegal in some states and unacceptable everywhere, especially in her father's house. Native Americans were in the same boat that all other dark races were then. To say that my Grandpa was a wild one would be an understatement. He was huge too. He was a golden gloves boxer who stood over 6'. My Grandma was about 4'11" and small framed to boot. To say she tamed him would be a misstatement. She directed his energy though. Because of who she was, he became who he was. There was more power and intelligence in her small form than in any man he ever met, I'm sure. He was wise enough to note that. He never treated her as *the little woman*. My Grandpa was the bravest man I ever met, but he knew better. The things I remember most about their relationship are that passion and love were ever present. I don't remember ever seeing any indifference there, like I see in most couples after a time. I remember, even while I was just a young girl barely curious about sexuality, that they were very romantic towards each other. Very touchy-feely. They argued from time to time too, but even that was passionate and full of love. When they did argue, it seemed as if two sides of the same person were reflecting on the wrong that the feet had done to the hand when the body fell down. I used to love to watch them make thier morning coffee when ever I stayed there. It was like the whole thing was a choreographed dance. Grandma would take the pot apart and Grandpa would reach for the coffee. She would fill the pot with water and he would lift it out of the sink.... It was a beautiful sight. Always, when I think of what I wanted life to be like for me, that was it. To make coffee together like we were one person.
Grandma was a beautiful woman, but she didn't really care. I remember convincing her to wear more glamorous make-up in her middle 50's once. She humored me and wore it all day, but I knew she thought it was ludicrous. I thought she looked beautiful. Most of the time she wore nothing more than a little powder and lipstick. She did like jewelry, especially earings. She used to tell me I was naked without them. Its funny....she didn't care about how she looked so much, but she did want to put on a good face and maybe a little bling bling for the world to see. She was naturally a platinum blonde. She dyed her hair red for as long as I can remember. I asked her about that once. It seems that when my handsome grandfather was at his peak as a boxer he quite naturally enjoyed the attentions (without cheating in any form) of the women who flocked to him a bit too much. Grandma would, of course, get rid of those ladies in short order but she began dying her hair red to give them (probably him too) warning. I can only assume it worked. If Grandpa was admiring the ladies, I know I never saw it. Smart guy. She wasn't really jealous though, it was more of a pride thing. Those women should never have dared to approach HER husband. It wouldn't surprise me to learn she had actually kicked a few asses to tell you the truth. I think I would have. Ok truth be told, I have.
She was always about family. She loved her man, she loved her children and she loved their offspring. We never doubted her love, though there are times we questioned why. I'm not writing about the failures though. We all have them. I am writing about the woman who loved anyway, even when some of us did not deserve it. She somehow made time for each of us. We all have wonderful stories about our one on one time with Grandma. She tried to be wise, but she never spoke as eloquently as she lived. Grandpa was the talker, she was the doer. She used to make big Sunday friend chicken dinners and she would squeeze as much of her large family as possible into her tiny house. She seemed to live for the banter that went around the dinner table. I learned just as much from watching her do what needed to be done as I did listening to Grandpa speak about social issues. Her actions reflected his words. Grandma did not let important things go undone, she never let the unimportant cloud her vision. She was the essence of practicality. She paid attention to the whole picture, she didn't get stuck on the details like the dreamers in our family. Grandma pulled us all together when we were trying to pull her in different directions. She was like a lighthouse. If we felt sad or confused, we could go to her and she would busy us with tasks and we could think uninterupted. My mother has been growing more and more like her these past years. Trying to keep the warring factions at bay, trying to spank the dreamers among us back into reality. I feel kind of sorry for Mom. For having such tiny feet, Grandma left big shoes to fill. Mom is the matriarch now and the family is bigger than Grandma's, probably even wilder now. Grandma and Aunt Shirley are watching down on her I know, and will lend guidance through dreams, but my poor mother has a passionate bunch of women to guide and prepare for the next generation. It isn't easy. Not when we all have that bloodline of strong women. There's that capital X gene again for good or ill. I hope she can keep Grandma's sense of humor amidst it all. She's going to need it now.
I didn't mention my Grandma was funny did I? OMG! She was outrageous. Grandma would take us shopping at the local department store and go around sniffing toilet paper because she wanted to find the best smelling one. She would sniff loudly and pretend not to notice the other shoppers! Must be where I get the playing pranks on strangers thing. Another thing she would do at the store is let big stinkers, sometimes big loud stinkers and then loudly blame it on my siblings and me. "Tressa ANN what did YOU do?!?!" she would say as if she were disgusted and scolding me for my behavior. I would blush and get so angry and she would just chuckle all the way home until I was laughing with her even while I was praying to God none of my friends were there. I can remember her tricking me into annoying the neighbors with my off key clarinet playing by convincing me that I was so good she wanted the neighbors to know how much better her granchild was than their children and grandchildren! She did the same thing with me reading out loud. As a little girl she built up my ego so much that by the time I went in to get my tonsils out (4 years old) I had an attitude that commanded me to steal all the toys from the hospital play room. I then locked myself into the bathroom and refused to come out because I knew I deserved all those toys more than the other kids. When the nurses were finally able to restrain me (it took massive doses of sleep meds and a net over the crib they were trying to keep me in), I fell asleep ranting about how they could not do this to me and that I would tell my Grandma and she was going to be really mad because she said I looked just like Shirley Temple and was going to be a star some day. Yeah, Grandma could convince me of just about anything and she had a lot of fun doing just that.
There are lots of things I could say about her, she had the patience of a saint. She must have listened to the "Disco Duck" 100 times in a row one day because it was my favorite song at the time. She actually tried to learn to dance *the Hustle* from me. She let my friends spend the night and we painted knick knacks all day. She never told me to shut up (she whispered to mom to tell me though I am sure). She forgave almost anything. Her heart was always open for the love of her family. She wouldn't put up with shit out of any of us though. You haven't been told off until she got a hold of you. She was brave too. A year ago she tried to take on some neighborhood thugs while spending some time at my Mom's. They backed down. I bet she made them feel guilty about their own grandmothers. They probably hung their head in shame just like I did the few times she felt the need to straighten me out. She was protective of us all. I remember when I was about 13 or so, she caught my sister and me talking to boys and first she chased them off with a switch and then she chased us home with the same one. She loved that we were all such pretty girls but she thought we shouldn't trust boys. Wise woman sometimes. When she moved back to her hometown for a while I used to write her from time to time. I remember once I thought it would be funny if I corrected her spelling and grammar. Ok I was probably showing off too. I only did that once! Trust me, I was TOLD. She used to say I used $20.00 words for a $5.00 message, I think I finally understood what she meant sometime in my early 30's and I toned it down a bit. People liked me more after that.
I loved my Grandma. I wasn't good about visiting her as an adult. I will regret that forever I guess. I bet she would tell me not to worry about it though. She knew I loved her and that was enough. She was enough for me.
We women absolutely adore the men, they are a jovial bunch! They kind of have to be, a sense of humor is a must when you are surrounded by wildly passionate females. The women are all strong. At risk of insulting the men, we are the strongest gender in our family. We never give up and we are the ones who inspire or force the men to become the leaders that they usually are. Even my mildest female relative, my baby sister Rhonda, who I've often mentioned, is a handful. No one else but me would dare call her mild. We all avoid confronting each other. We know that we are formidable. Nothing is more hair raising than to watch two women in our family disagree. Personally I'd rather fight a thug from the streets.
This sisterhood is passed, it seems, down the maternal line as well. My sisters and I, despite the differences we note from time to time, are really quite alike. We have the soul and the passion of our mother and our maternal aunt. Our mother and our aunt had the soul of our grandmother, who from what I understand inherited her spirit from her mother, whom I never knew. We all may have bits and pieces of our fathers in us, they pass on beliefs and kindness to us. But the truth of it all is that without this *never say die, never give up, never give in* spirit in our female lineage, I think our family would have died out during the potato famine in Ireland. That is when another woman, down the female line, raised her numerous siblings and made it to America, her siblings in tow. The next generation of females, which include my spirited daughter Celia, are even stronger.
On the outside and to outsiders we may appear to be socially acceptable and appear to be ladies most of the time. Appearances can be deceiving and so can we. The women of our family never needed the women's liberation movement. We never needed a law to tell us that we are as good or as capable as a man or to demand and receive justice in a man's world. All we ever needed was recent family history. We usually outwardly conformed to the social rules of history while breaking numerous conventions privately. Unless we didn't care a flying uknowwhat, then we would break the rules and damn the consequences. History repeats itself alot in my family.
My Grandma skipped school one day and married a Cherokee boy. When she married him interacial marriage was illegal in some states and unacceptable everywhere, especially in her father's house. Native Americans were in the same boat that all other dark races were then. To say that my Grandpa was a wild one would be an understatement. He was huge too. He was a golden gloves boxer who stood over 6'. My Grandma was about 4'11" and small framed to boot. To say she tamed him would be a misstatement. She directed his energy though. Because of who she was, he became who he was. There was more power and intelligence in her small form than in any man he ever met, I'm sure. He was wise enough to note that. He never treated her as *the little woman*. My Grandpa was the bravest man I ever met, but he knew better. The things I remember most about their relationship are that passion and love were ever present. I don't remember ever seeing any indifference there, like I see in most couples after a time. I remember, even while I was just a young girl barely curious about sexuality, that they were very romantic towards each other. Very touchy-feely. They argued from time to time too, but even that was passionate and full of love. When they did argue, it seemed as if two sides of the same person were reflecting on the wrong that the feet had done to the hand when the body fell down. I used to love to watch them make thier morning coffee when ever I stayed there. It was like the whole thing was a choreographed dance. Grandma would take the pot apart and Grandpa would reach for the coffee. She would fill the pot with water and he would lift it out of the sink.... It was a beautiful sight. Always, when I think of what I wanted life to be like for me, that was it. To make coffee together like we were one person.
Grandma was a beautiful woman, but she didn't really care. I remember convincing her to wear more glamorous make-up in her middle 50's once. She humored me and wore it all day, but I knew she thought it was ludicrous. I thought she looked beautiful. Most of the time she wore nothing more than a little powder and lipstick. She did like jewelry, especially earings. She used to tell me I was naked without them. Its funny....she didn't care about how she looked so much, but she did want to put on a good face and maybe a little bling bling for the world to see. She was naturally a platinum blonde. She dyed her hair red for as long as I can remember. I asked her about that once. It seems that when my handsome grandfather was at his peak as a boxer he quite naturally enjoyed the attentions (without cheating in any form) of the women who flocked to him a bit too much. Grandma would, of course, get rid of those ladies in short order but she began dying her hair red to give them (probably him too) warning. I can only assume it worked. If Grandpa was admiring the ladies, I know I never saw it. Smart guy. She wasn't really jealous though, it was more of a pride thing. Those women should never have dared to approach HER husband. It wouldn't surprise me to learn she had actually kicked a few asses to tell you the truth. I think I would have. Ok truth be told, I have.
She was always about family. She loved her man, she loved her children and she loved their offspring. We never doubted her love, though there are times we questioned why. I'm not writing about the failures though. We all have them. I am writing about the woman who loved anyway, even when some of us did not deserve it. She somehow made time for each of us. We all have wonderful stories about our one on one time with Grandma. She tried to be wise, but she never spoke as eloquently as she lived. Grandpa was the talker, she was the doer. She used to make big Sunday friend chicken dinners and she would squeeze as much of her large family as possible into her tiny house. She seemed to live for the banter that went around the dinner table. I learned just as much from watching her do what needed to be done as I did listening to Grandpa speak about social issues. Her actions reflected his words. Grandma did not let important things go undone, she never let the unimportant cloud her vision. She was the essence of practicality. She paid attention to the whole picture, she didn't get stuck on the details like the dreamers in our family. Grandma pulled us all together when we were trying to pull her in different directions. She was like a lighthouse. If we felt sad or confused, we could go to her and she would busy us with tasks and we could think uninterupted. My mother has been growing more and more like her these past years. Trying to keep the warring factions at bay, trying to spank the dreamers among us back into reality. I feel kind of sorry for Mom. For having such tiny feet, Grandma left big shoes to fill. Mom is the matriarch now and the family is bigger than Grandma's, probably even wilder now. Grandma and Aunt Shirley are watching down on her I know, and will lend guidance through dreams, but my poor mother has a passionate bunch of women to guide and prepare for the next generation. It isn't easy. Not when we all have that bloodline of strong women. There's that capital X gene again for good or ill. I hope she can keep Grandma's sense of humor amidst it all. She's going to need it now.
I didn't mention my Grandma was funny did I? OMG! She was outrageous. Grandma would take us shopping at the local department store and go around sniffing toilet paper because she wanted to find the best smelling one. She would sniff loudly and pretend not to notice the other shoppers! Must be where I get the playing pranks on strangers thing. Another thing she would do at the store is let big stinkers, sometimes big loud stinkers and then loudly blame it on my siblings and me. "Tressa ANN what did YOU do?!?!" she would say as if she were disgusted and scolding me for my behavior. I would blush and get so angry and she would just chuckle all the way home until I was laughing with her even while I was praying to God none of my friends were there. I can remember her tricking me into annoying the neighbors with my off key clarinet playing by convincing me that I was so good she wanted the neighbors to know how much better her granchild was than their children and grandchildren! She did the same thing with me reading out loud. As a little girl she built up my ego so much that by the time I went in to get my tonsils out (4 years old) I had an attitude that commanded me to steal all the toys from the hospital play room. I then locked myself into the bathroom and refused to come out because I knew I deserved all those toys more than the other kids. When the nurses were finally able to restrain me (it took massive doses of sleep meds and a net over the crib they were trying to keep me in), I fell asleep ranting about how they could not do this to me and that I would tell my Grandma and she was going to be really mad because she said I looked just like Shirley Temple and was going to be a star some day. Yeah, Grandma could convince me of just about anything and she had a lot of fun doing just that.
There are lots of things I could say about her, she had the patience of a saint. She must have listened to the "Disco Duck" 100 times in a row one day because it was my favorite song at the time. She actually tried to learn to dance *the Hustle* from me. She let my friends spend the night and we painted knick knacks all day. She never told me to shut up (she whispered to mom to tell me though I am sure). She forgave almost anything. Her heart was always open for the love of her family. She wouldn't put up with shit out of any of us though. You haven't been told off until she got a hold of you. She was brave too. A year ago she tried to take on some neighborhood thugs while spending some time at my Mom's. They backed down. I bet she made them feel guilty about their own grandmothers. They probably hung their head in shame just like I did the few times she felt the need to straighten me out. She was protective of us all. I remember when I was about 13 or so, she caught my sister and me talking to boys and first she chased them off with a switch and then she chased us home with the same one. She loved that we were all such pretty girls but she thought we shouldn't trust boys. Wise woman sometimes. When she moved back to her hometown for a while I used to write her from time to time. I remember once I thought it would be funny if I corrected her spelling and grammar. Ok I was probably showing off too. I only did that once! Trust me, I was TOLD. She used to say I used $20.00 words for a $5.00 message, I think I finally understood what she meant sometime in my early 30's and I toned it down a bit. People liked me more after that.
I loved my Grandma. I wasn't good about visiting her as an adult. I will regret that forever I guess. I bet she would tell me not to worry about it though. She knew I loved her and that was enough. She was enough for me.
Saturday
Nostalgia
If auld aquaintance......
I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.
I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.
In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....
She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.
I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....
Let the light shine down.
I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.
I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.
In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....
Moon Shadow
Cat StevensI'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow
She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.
I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....
Let the light shine down.
Friday
Happy Halloween
Well I am very busy...but I couldn't let the day go unnoticed. Seriously I barely had time to go to the
My wonderful GM kept bugging me with her constant inquiries about the current state of affairs.....
<
The front desk wasn't keeping quiet either. It's like they expected me to know EVERYTHING!
Still we did have some good conversations at work. Politics are big there. I'd say most of us are leaning toward the liberal side. I think I spoke for us all when I said
Well I probably ought to sign off now....am expecting hordes of masked terrorists at my door tonight. I will have to give them certain small packages to keep myself from danger.
But I just want to leave you with one scary thing....it is after all, Halloween....
I hope you all have a safe and a
As for me...I plan to spend a nice quiet evening at home with Mr. Wonderful....
<
<
My wonderful GM kept bugging me with her constant inquiries about the current state of affairs.....
The front desk wasn't keeping quiet either. It's like they expected me to know EVERYTHING!
What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.
What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.
What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What's Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Vein-illa.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.
Seriously...I tried hard to be patient but eventually I became quite frustrated!
Still we did have some good conversations at work. Politics are big there. I'd say most of us are leaning toward the liberal side. I think I spoke for us all when I said
Well I probably ought to sign off now....am expecting hordes of masked terrorists at my door tonight. I will have to give them certain small packages to keep myself from danger.
But I just want to leave you with one scary thing....it is after all, Halloween....
I hope you all have a safe and a
As for me...I plan to spend a nice quiet evening at home with Mr. Wonderful....
Its Been a Really Long Day
Ok... Its a good thing I drank all that cappuccino.
The FD was short handed today. I had to cover there. It was a mad house. Almost 150 check-outs and then a wedding party checking in. There were also other events we were hosting but not rooming. Only one person was scheduled. Even if the usual 2 people were scheduled I would have needed to help out. Then the phones were going spastic. Then there were problems with some of the guests wanting to change their room types after the reservations had already been filled. We couldn't do it. I had a couple of really bad calls. Not all of them were assholes AND idiots but one was.
This guy called me for directions during the height of early a.m. check-outs. I was doing my best to assist him while simultaneously checking out guests (which was already rude, but he REFUSED to hold for a minute). He wanted to know how to come here from Chicago without using the toll road.
THANK GOD I HAVE THE WEEKENDS OFF.
All day at work it was stuff like this, not as bad....but stupid stuff all day long. I ended up bringing work home just so I could get the heck out of there after another long day (9 hours..most of them on my feet).
So now I don't even feel like going to the grocery store. I managed to keep my spirits up all the way home. I just know though, that something bad is going to happen...something stupid, like my pocket will get picked, if I leave this house. Looks like its going to be grilled cheese for dinner!
Thank God tomorrow is a brand new day.
I need another cappuccino.
The FD was short handed today. I had to cover there. It was a mad house. Almost 150 check-outs and then a wedding party checking in. There were also other events we were hosting but not rooming. Only one person was scheduled. Even if the usual 2 people were scheduled I would have needed to help out. Then the phones were going spastic. Then there were problems with some of the guests wanting to change their room types after the reservations had already been filled. We couldn't do it. I had a couple of really bad calls. Not all of them were assholes AND idiots but one was.
This guy called me for directions during the height of early a.m. check-outs. I was doing my best to assist him while simultaneously checking out guests (which was already rude, but he REFUSED to hold for a minute). He wanted to know how to come here from Chicago without using the toll road.
"Sir I don't travel much, I only know the toll road route"
"You shouldn't work in a hotel if you don't travel!!!!!!!!!" (the guy was shouting)
"I'm sorry Sir, I'm actually an accountant, I am just assisting the front desk for a moment" (I'm thinking you don't have to be dead to work in a morgue) "If you'd like, I can have the valet-driver call you when he gets back"
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOUR DRIVER IS NOT THERE!!!!!"
"I'm sorry Sir" (I'm thinking our driver is DRIVING and that this is a hotel not mapquest)
"I want to talk to your manager!!!!" (its barely 8 a.m., management doesn't come in until 9 a.m. just like most businesses, I was early today).
"I'm sorry Sir, but my manager is unavailable right now, however she will be available later this morning"
"YOU AREN'T ANY HELP AT ALL!!!! FINE I WILL TAKE THE TOLL
ROAD. WHICH EXIT?!?!"
"Just a moment Sir, I want to verify that" (I didn't want to send him down the wrong exit since I've never driven from Chicago to here....he already knew I didn't travel)
"JESUS CHRIST...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I want YOUR name and the name of your Manager!!!! (I could hear him whipping around traffic, the man was driving, bitching me out on the phone, obviously had NO idea of where he was going and now he was taking notes....and he is acting like I am stupid?)
"It is either 77 or 78, I just want to be sure I give you the right one Sir. My name is TRESSA (spelled it at his request) and my manager is _________."(Her name didn't need spelled because it is common.)
"What is your LAST name???" (as if I was holding out on some big secret)
"Well , Sir, my last name is Bailey" (I spelled it in case he was even dumber than I thought), "but my first name will be all that is needed, I am the only person with that name here." (as far as I know the only other person within a hundred miles of me with that name is dead. I was named after her).
"I just don't want there to be any mistakes" (oh yeah....he was a real M-F-er... this one)
"One moment Sir, let me verify that exit. (I ask my very busy co-worker which one while he is busily huffing and puffing into the phone so I will know how irritated he is.) "77 Sir"
"FINE. and THEN WHAT?!?!"
"I don't understand Sir, what do you mean by then what?" (I don't know if he wants further directions or instructions as to how to check into our hotel).
"WHICH WAY DO I GO AFTER I LEAVE THE EXIT!?!?!?!?!" (the man is LOOKING for a heart-attack) He didn't need to get all "huffy" about it.
Well of course I know there is only one way he can go without breaking any traffic laws, I know where I wished he would go... I'm trying to come up with the best way to make him feel like less of an idiot than telling him this and that you can see the city from exit. We are the tallest building in town, you can see us from there. I paused just a moment too long, I think, thinking about how to put this into words without offending him....I could hear him huffing and puffing again.
"CAN I speak to a manager?!?"
"I'm sorry sir, but our offices open at 9:00, you can speak with my colleague though, if you wish."
"Let me talk to her then, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS WHICH EXIT!"
"I'll have to put you on hold for just a moment Sir." He was grumbling about stupid bitches as I placed him on hold. My coworker did not appreciate me passing the buck, but she was MOD. She took the call.
He was just as mean and rude to her. I don't think she had to spell her name out though.
She ended the conversation (after she had, even more painstakingly than I, explained how to get here from there....and she travels a lot!...the guy was an idiot) with 'Thank you for choosing our hotel, Sir! I certainly hope you enjoy your stay. We look forward to having you here!"I knew she meant every word of it.
NOT!!!! (but the girl deserves an Academy Award!)
THANK GOD I HAVE THE WEEKENDS OFF.
All day at work it was stuff like this, not as bad....but stupid stuff all day long. I ended up bringing work home just so I could get the heck out of there after another long day (9 hours..most of them on my feet).
So now I don't even feel like going to the grocery store. I managed to keep my spirits up all the way home. I just know though, that something bad is going to happen...something stupid, like my pocket will get picked, if I leave this house. Looks like its going to be grilled cheese for dinner!
Thank God tomorrow is a brand new day.
I need another cappuccino.
I Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel Goooooooooooooooooood!
I seem to be kicking the flu. Yeah! Fastest flu I ever had! Its like it was more hyperactive than me.
I went to work yesterday and not a day too soon. The cappuccino effect is working. I was soooooo effective and sooooo smart. I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back for my remarkable efficiency! I only brough home a satchel and a briefcase full of work, which I completed all but one file of. I would have gotten that done too, but I wanted to spend some time with the BF and needed to clean my house up some. I also did two loads of laundry....Well sorta. It still needs folding.
I am feeling on top of my game.
I am WundaClerk and SuperMom!
Gawd I love caffeine.
I even bought myself a container of general foods Belgian Cafe to keep the buzz going today (oh yeah, I also stopped by the store after I worked 9 hours).
Tonight I need to go to the grocery store for real (seriously you would think we were bachelors in this house). Then I plan a relaxing evening with the BF.
This weekend we are to begin winterizing the house. Starting with plastic on the windows. We are also going to go pick up my furniture (yeah I finally bought some), build a table and assemble a couple of desks. He is really great to be helping me with this stuff. I'm a lucky woman.
Well time to get ready for work...I have just 20 minutes to do it, but hey.....it aint no freaking fashion show.
Happy Friday everyone!
I went to work yesterday and not a day too soon. The cappuccino effect is working. I was soooooo effective and sooooo smart. I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back for my remarkable efficiency! I only brough home a satchel and a briefcase full of work, which I completed all but one file of. I would have gotten that done too, but I wanted to spend some time with the BF and needed to clean my house up some. I also did two loads of laundry....Well sorta. It still needs folding.
I am feeling on top of my game.
I am WundaClerk and SuperMom!
Gawd I love caffeine.
I even bought myself a container of general foods Belgian Cafe to keep the buzz going today (oh yeah, I also stopped by the store after I worked 9 hours).
Tonight I need to go to the grocery store for real (seriously you would think we were bachelors in this house). Then I plan a relaxing evening with the BF.
This weekend we are to begin winterizing the house. Starting with plastic on the windows. We are also going to go pick up my furniture (yeah I finally bought some), build a table and assemble a couple of desks. He is really great to be helping me with this stuff. I'm a lucky woman.
Well time to get ready for work...I have just 20 minutes to do it, but hey.....it aint no freaking fashion show.
Happy Friday everyone!
Wednesday
Turbo Flu
I do not feel well...not well at all.
I think I have what I will call TURBO-FLU.
It started on Sunday. I didn't recognise the leg cramps as flu at first. Thought I was just a little tired and my legs were out of shape. I was doing some serious walking that day. Monday I knew I was ill. I hurt all over. ALL OVER. Seriously.... even my buttocks ached. If there was a muscle it was in pain. By afternoon I was so cold I could barely keep working without putting my coat on. I also had a really upset stomach. I forced myself to eat a bagel for breakfast (anyone who knows me...knows that if I'm not eating, its really really bad). At lunch I forced down a cup of broccoli soup and some toast. That's when the constant belching began. It was my stomache's revenge for eating. I shorted myself an hour at work and came home. I pretty much collapsed when I walked in the door here at home. The BF came by with an electric blanket and watched me shiver in it. He knew better than to act like he felt sorry for me. By 7:00 I had to shut the electric heat down because I was fading fast. At 8:00 BF left. I was getting pretty cranky and it was a good move on his part. By 9:00 I was snoring and freezing coughing and sneezing (unintentional rhyme).
It was a restless night, spent shivering then sweating then shivering then sweating in between sniffling and hacking up bits of my lungs....you get the idea.
I didn't even drag my but out of bed today until 10ish. Well except to call in. All I managed to feed myself has been an omelet at 1. At least the sneezing and coughing had tapered down to sore throat and sniffles. I've been freezing all day even though I am overdressed and the house is warm. I went to bed at 10pm, but now I am up because for the last hour the little bit I've eaten has been leaving my body in a very unpleasant and hurried fashion. I now have a 100 degree fever and chills.
This is not good.
I don't think I will be able to work tomorrow if this keeps up. I don't remember ever missing 2 days of work in a row in the last 5 years due to illness (not including surgery). I hope the Hell I can make it to the office at some point. I have a feeling that I am on the mend finally since there is nothing left in me to germinate now....but I still feel really awful and I look even worse.
My skin is dry and pasty. My nose is all red and swollen and I haven't brushed my hair since yesterday.
I look deader than I feel though.
It feels like a flu but the symptoms are going too fast. If it is a flu its the fastest one I've ever had.
I thought it could be food poisoning for a minute, like maybe I bought some old deli meat or something but I'm eating the same stuff everyone else is. I'm the only one sick.
I'm grateful. I sure couldn't take care of anyone else right now.
Y'know I hate to say it...but right now....I want my Mommy....
I think I have what I will call TURBO-FLU.
It started on Sunday. I didn't recognise the leg cramps as flu at first. Thought I was just a little tired and my legs were out of shape. I was doing some serious walking that day. Monday I knew I was ill. I hurt all over. ALL OVER. Seriously.... even my buttocks ached. If there was a muscle it was in pain. By afternoon I was so cold I could barely keep working without putting my coat on. I also had a really upset stomach. I forced myself to eat a bagel for breakfast (anyone who knows me...knows that if I'm not eating, its really really bad). At lunch I forced down a cup of broccoli soup and some toast. That's when the constant belching began. It was my stomache's revenge for eating. I shorted myself an hour at work and came home. I pretty much collapsed when I walked in the door here at home. The BF came by with an electric blanket and watched me shiver in it. He knew better than to act like he felt sorry for me. By 7:00 I had to shut the electric heat down because I was fading fast. At 8:00 BF left. I was getting pretty cranky and it was a good move on his part. By 9:00 I was snoring and freezing coughing and sneezing (unintentional rhyme).
It was a restless night, spent shivering then sweating then shivering then sweating in between sniffling and hacking up bits of my lungs....you get the idea.
I didn't even drag my but out of bed today until 10ish. Well except to call in. All I managed to feed myself has been an omelet at 1. At least the sneezing and coughing had tapered down to sore throat and sniffles. I've been freezing all day even though I am overdressed and the house is warm. I went to bed at 10pm, but now I am up because for the last hour the little bit I've eaten has been leaving my body in a very unpleasant and hurried fashion. I now have a 100 degree fever and chills.
This is not good.
I don't think I will be able to work tomorrow if this keeps up. I don't remember ever missing 2 days of work in a row in the last 5 years due to illness (not including surgery). I hope the Hell I can make it to the office at some point. I have a feeling that I am on the mend finally since there is nothing left in me to germinate now....but I still feel really awful and I look even worse.
My skin is dry and pasty. My nose is all red and swollen and I haven't brushed my hair since yesterday.
I look deader than I feel though.
It feels like a flu but the symptoms are going too fast. If it is a flu its the fastest one I've ever had.
I thought it could be food poisoning for a minute, like maybe I bought some old deli meat or something but I'm eating the same stuff everyone else is. I'm the only one sick.
I'm grateful. I sure couldn't take care of anyone else right now.
Y'know I hate to say it...but right now....I want my Mommy....
The Financial Crisis Explained
I'm sooooooooooooooooo ashamed. Still I laughed my ass off when I watched this.
I'm a traitor to my gender....
Maybe I spent too many years working for lawyers.
Friday
Sick of being sick
I realize that one of the reasons I am still unattached, at least residentially, to a man is that I can be a bitch.
I like things my way. The right way of course. Especially when I am sick.
Right now I am sick.
Some women sniffle daintily into proper tissues and speak softly in a weak voice while resting to the ones they love.
Not me. I work until I drop dead from it, loudly complaining, hacking and sneezing with a sound that is undefinable.
I snort too. I don't want tender words of comfort from him.
I want to be left ALONE in my misery.
I am weak and that is bad enough without having anyone else share in the knowledge.
I don't care if he thinks I need to be taken care of.
I want to die independent, dammit, without anyone seeing me get ugly---verbally or physically (I don't look my best in swollen eyelids and red noses and trust me my smile is much easier on the eyes than my coughing fits and quieter too).
I don't want some guy hanging around dirtying up dishes or making me feel like I have to be sociable (that southern thing I still got going means that no matter what....if I have a guest I must feed them and attend to their needs).
I don't want to work
I want to freaking sleep.
I want to feel comfortable knowing that no man is going to watch me not care if the tissue I just threw hits the basket or not.
I want to be able to wear my ugly sweats that make me look and feel fat. They also are incredibly warm and comfy.
I want to pick ALL the tv shows/movies.
I don't want to be the considerate hostess who lets him pick what he wants to watch. I pay for my own cable dammit!
I hate being sick. Be that as it may, even when I'm not sick I still don't want some man taking over my house. Its mine now.
They waited too long. I've got my strength back.
I make my own money and my own rules.
I don't even think I really want to live with a man.
I just want to have a relationship but one where they can go home or be sent there.
They are good for some things. I am less afraid when he is here.
However I recently got a dog. I expect our little girl to get rather big eventually.
Walter named her Dizzy. I don't know why. She is American Mastiff Bulldog and Minature American Eskimo Spitz. The Mama was the little one. She definitely looks bulldoggish except for the long curling tail. She has her Mama's butt.
She's a lot friendlier than a gun and less hassle than a man when I am sick.
She knows how to handle me when I am sick already.
She lays at my feet or back and looks out for me and doesn't bug me unless its for a good reason.
I like things my way. The right way of course. Especially when I am sick.
Right now I am sick.
Some women sniffle daintily into proper tissues and speak softly in a weak voice while resting to the ones they love.
Not me. I work until I drop dead from it, loudly complaining, hacking and sneezing with a sound that is undefinable.
I snort too. I don't want tender words of comfort from him.
I want to be left ALONE in my misery.
I am weak and that is bad enough without having anyone else share in the knowledge.
I don't care if he thinks I need to be taken care of.
I want to die independent, dammit, without anyone seeing me get ugly---verbally or physically (I don't look my best in swollen eyelids and red noses and trust me my smile is much easier on the eyes than my coughing fits and quieter too).
I don't want some guy hanging around dirtying up dishes or making me feel like I have to be sociable (that southern thing I still got going means that no matter what....if I have a guest I must feed them and attend to their needs).
I don't want to work
I want to freaking sleep.
I want to feel comfortable knowing that no man is going to watch me not care if the tissue I just threw hits the basket or not.
I want to be able to wear my ugly sweats that make me look and feel fat. They also are incredibly warm and comfy.
I want to pick ALL the tv shows/movies.
I don't want to be the considerate hostess who lets him pick what he wants to watch. I pay for my own cable dammit!
I hate being sick. Be that as it may, even when I'm not sick I still don't want some man taking over my house. Its mine now.
They waited too long. I've got my strength back.
I make my own money and my own rules.
I don't even think I really want to live with a man.
I just want to have a relationship but one where they can go home or be sent there.
They are good for some things. I am less afraid when he is here.
However I recently got a dog. I expect our little girl to get rather big eventually.
Walter named her Dizzy. I don't know why. She is American Mastiff Bulldog and Minature American Eskimo Spitz. The Mama was the little one. She definitely looks bulldoggish except for the long curling tail. She has her Mama's butt.
She's a lot friendlier than a gun and less hassle than a man when I am sick.
She knows how to handle me when I am sick already.
She lays at my feet or back and looks out for me and doesn't bug me unless its for a good reason.
Why can't men be more like dogs?
Wednesday
Looking for Trouble
Yep I'm actually looking.
I have itchy feet and a restless spirit sometimes. It's like I've been good too long.
Responsibility is something I take seriously. Seriously. I have children. I have a job. I pay bills. I grew up.
Still, where some people have an inner child..... I have an inner juvenile delinquent.
Monday
Where have all the *GUYS* gone? (this is a link!)
Seriously. Click on that link.
Remember when real men didn't eat quiche or wear pink?
Maybe I am just one of those women who really appreciate a good whisker burn, I don't know.
I just like cavemen.
I think its funny when they burp. I laugh at fart jokes. I think Jim Belushi is the bomb!
When I run across a *real* guy I don't hold his testosterone against him. I'm much more likely to want to hold it against me. I think I get high off the stuff.
I don't want a wussy boy who wears make-up and admires my shoes.
I want wolf whistles from some messy-headed manly man with a beer in one hand while he holds my door open with the other all the while looking me up and down and asking "What's for dinner baby" like I am the one woman who can take care of ALL his hungers.
I don't want him to be prettier than me.
The guy I am going to fall for is the type who will come out in the pouring rain to get the groceries because he doesn't want me to get wet. He couldn't care less what it does to his doc martens. He probably won't even own a pair. He might even come out in the rain barefoot (maybe even making that gorgeous Tim Allen's barking noise). I'm sure his jeans will be worn at the knees and butt, his t-shirt will probably have some off color remark written across his chest.
His smile will be warm and welcoming though.
He'll be happy to see me. Glad that I am his even if I act like such a girl sometimes.
He will wonder how the car is running but grow bored when I start rattling on too much about the usual BS gossip at work. He'll distract me with lecherous gropes and whisper sweet and naughty nothings against my ear. I'll have to remind him that kids are about because he won't even notice and if he does, he probably won't care.
He definitely will not be clean shaven at 5 in the evening wearing manpris, mandals and carrying a murse!
Girly men are for amazons. I want a caveman.....all man all the time.......
Remember when real men didn't eat quiche or wear pink?
Maybe I am just one of those women who really appreciate a good whisker burn, I don't know.
I just like cavemen.
I think its funny when they burp. I laugh at fart jokes. I think Jim Belushi is the bomb!
When I run across a *real* guy I don't hold his testosterone against him. I'm much more likely to want to hold it against me. I think I get high off the stuff.
I don't want a wussy boy who wears make-up and admires my shoes.
I want wolf whistles from some messy-headed manly man with a beer in one hand while he holds my door open with the other all the while looking me up and down and asking "What's for dinner baby" like I am the one woman who can take care of ALL his hungers.
I don't want him to be prettier than me.
The guy I am going to fall for is the type who will come out in the pouring rain to get the groceries because he doesn't want me to get wet. He couldn't care less what it does to his doc martens. He probably won't even own a pair. He might even come out in the rain barefoot (maybe even making that gorgeous Tim Allen's barking noise). I'm sure his jeans will be worn at the knees and butt, his t-shirt will probably have some off color remark written across his chest.
His smile will be warm and welcoming though.
He'll be happy to see me. Glad that I am his even if I act like such a girl sometimes.
He will wonder how the car is running but grow bored when I start rattling on too much about the usual BS gossip at work. He'll distract me with lecherous gropes and whisper sweet and naughty nothings against my ear. I'll have to remind him that kids are about because he won't even notice and if he does, he probably won't care.
He definitely will not be clean shaven at 5 in the evening wearing manpris, mandals and carrying a murse!
Girly men are for amazons. I want a caveman.....all man all the time.......
Friday
I have a lot to offer a man. I read these personal ads (on the internet we call them *profiles*) and these men are all about wanting me....except I am not busty, I smoke and I have *baggage* (read a child that lives with me). Oh and while they claim to want passion, they certainly don't want any *drama*. The rest of their requirements...I can easily fill and then some.
Attractive X
Decent Body X
Sexy X
Honest X
Fun X
Kind X
Makes Own Money X
Not a "Gold Digger" X
Intelligent X
Sense of Humor X
Passionate X (problem here is, that its attached to *DRAMA*)
Likes Sports X
and Motorcycles X
Playful X
Decent X
Faithful X
Owns Dresses/Skirts X
Has Own Friends X
Not Clingy X
Still Affectionate X
Romantic X
Good Mix of Dependency/Independency X
Can Cook Well X
Crafty and Artistic X
Cleans (well passably) X
Loves Animals X
ETC. ETC. Really I am pretty spiffy. I want to make my man feel like a freaking KING. I want to spoil him completely rotten for all other women but me. I want to wear his body out, inspire his actions and stimulate his mind. I want him to be pleased with me and proud of me.
What more could a man want right?
Yep..... Here I am damn near close to perfect except, I'm not:
Good at ego stroking;
Willing to sleep with every guy I meet (not even most of them!);
Pretending to be stupid (see: ego stroking);
Willing to financially support a deadbeat;
Going to lie to make him feel better when he deserves to feel worse;
Putting up with ANY abuse against my children, his children or me;
Some Guy's Maid, Gopher, Prostitute/Mistress, Scratching Post, Valet, Punching Bag;
Changing who I am to suit the way he thinks I should be;
Quitting smoking unless I (as in me and me alone) want to and choose to;
Staying with anyone who uses illegal drugs or is drug and/or alcohol addicted;
Kissing Ass to get along;
Changing my diet;
Ignoring my children, no matter how old they are;
Going to lie about my life and/or the people in it;
Accepting less than total commitment from the one who gets it from me;
Willing to sit in the shadows of his life;
Willing to sit at home by the phone and wait wait wait;
Blind;
Deaf;
Stupid;
Sharing him with anyone else romantically or sexually;
Settling for less than I deserve, less than I give out
Asking for more than I am willing to give back or put up with.
Tell the truth....
I'm going to be alone forever aren't I?
C'est la vie!
Tuesday
My Inner Child
My inner child as painted by Norman Rockwell:
Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!
I think it suits me right now too.
I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.
I played rock music all day!
Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.
Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!
I think it suits me right now too.
I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.
I played rock music all day!
Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.
Mr. Right doesn't exist
So I am looking for Mr. Notquiteright Inthehead. Oh how I dream of you...night and day....
I hunger for your sloppy kisses and look for your crooked grin.
I wait to have you step on my feet in the dance of life.
I am listening for your crackly voice on the phone.
Longing to stare into your glassy eyes.
All I know is that when I find you..........
You will be perfect to me.
Monday
If the shoe fits
Well today I was a good Mom. I took Walter out for a haircut and shoe shopping then dumped him at the skatepark so I could have some veg time. You have to love this kid's taste in shoes....
Classic Black of course (he does pride himself on being a *bad* boy...yeah right)
Check out the sides though......
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!
Even the insoles are evil...
Check out the trick of light on this version of that picture....
I think the dern things might be possessed!
Hopefully he will be able to do some really sick jumps with them.... (sick is the new word for cool btw)
Classic Black of course (he does pride himself on being a *bad* boy...yeah right)
Check out the sides though......
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!
Even the insoles are evil...
Check out the trick of light on this version of that picture....
I think the dern things might be possessed!
Hopefully he will be able to do some really sick jumps with them.... (sick is the new word for cool btw)
Wednesday
My Love Life Explain by Music
Gawd....I love You Tube....
I miss the old MTV
hard to ignore the truth.....
The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)
I've had my share of disappointments......
I played the blame game a time or two......
Made some really bad choices
Flirted a bit too much a time or two....
I really don't mean it.....
Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....
Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....
I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....
Just one man who is
Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!
I miss the old MTV
hard to ignore the truth.....
The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)
I've had my share of disappointments......
I played the blame game a time or two......
Made some really bad choices
Flirted a bit too much a time or two....
I really don't mean it.....
Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....
Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....
I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....
Just one man who is
Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!
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