Things I've learned in life:

It doesn't matter who you are or what the situation is....unless its for someone's birthday or Christmas....secrets are almost always bad and being a secret is never good. Words to live by.

We have two things of value in this life. One is time and the other is love....Give them wisely but don't horde them away in a closet.

If you don't tell something important to someone who should be aware, it may not be lying...but it sure isn't HONEST. Truth is the absence of lies but Honesty is is a bit more.

1st...Know your own value, Last...Don't accept less.

If you want a friend, be a friend.

Love, all love...not just romantic love, isn't about hearts and flowers, its about truth and acceptance and working for the greater good of another instead of the pleasure of one's self. The real thing isn't always pretty, in fact it can get pretty ugly, but there is a certain beauty in the scars. The purpose of love is not to make one feel better, it is to make one be a better person. If the pain doesn't equal the are doing it wrong.

You can be too rich and too thin. What you can't be is too generous or too healthy.

No one dies wishing they had worked harder in life, we die wishing we had loved more in life.

There is nothing wrong with feeling and acting on strong emotions when they are justified for the greater good of family, friends or even the public good, what is wrong is being self centered in those emotions...Narcissism is the root of most of society's problems. We all think we are perfect and none of us even comes close.

Everyone talks big about the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) when they are being done unto...not so much when they are doing. If we reversed that trend, imagine the change the world would see? Walk a mile in another's shoes before you pass might just run out of things to rant about.

Silence may be golden but its not effective.


I miss JLand.

I don't even know why I write in here anymore.  I guess I miss it.  I miss what blogging was back when AOL Journals ruled the day that is.  Now there is so little interaction on our actual blogs...  Facebook has completely taken it over it seems.

Now we post inspiring words written across a photograph, witty one liners and jokes.  Once in a while we get daring enough to write a whole paragraph. We no longer share the details of our day to day experiences, wax poetic or painstakingly put together entire essays to  inspire our co-writers.  We loved the journals...we all swore that we'd continue on in Blogger what we had begun in JLand.  We didn't.  

None of us, including me, comment very much on those of us who continue on.  Now all our comments are lightening fast and geared towards getting the best laugh on facebook.  We went from taking ourselves much too serious to not taking anything serious.

I try to tell myself that its just that we are older...maybe none of us have the creativity and energy to continue on like we did 10 - 15 years ago.  Maybe we just shrunk inside.  I used to write about politics, but I've become disillusioned.  So fed up that in a fit of anger a few years ago,  I removed every thing I ever wrote about politics.  I wish I hadn't.  There was nothing wrong with my thinking or my writing.  I've deleted a lot of posts over the years that I wish I hadn't.  I remember a time when I actually had 5 blogs going at once, 2 were invitation only....I was so bad sometimes....or at least I thought I was.

Even now I struggle trying to remember how to make my blog interesting.  Trying to think of subjects is difficult these days and I seem to be too busy or tired to go hunting for the photos and youtube videos to set them off.  Just words on a page for now... but I'm the determined sort.  I'll figure it all out again.  

I remember how innocent I was when I first started really getting into chatrooms and blogging.  I was 31 years old and recently divorced and remarried.  I was a typical midwestern girl...I apologized when I swore unless I was really mad.  I didn't tell a dirty joke to a guy unless I had known him all my life.  I flirted outrageously and never thought a guy might take that seriously. I trusted everyone and thought that  no one would take advantage of a sweet girl like me.  I was nice to everyone unless I had cause not to be.  I had had a couple stalkers in my life, but they had reason.  I was as young in my head as a 16 year old kid is today... maybe younger.  My life was vanilla but I thought I had seen it all.  Oh my.  I've learned and experienced so much via the internet over the years... most of it good...but some not so good.  I've definitely learned a lot more about people's experiences...all kinds of experiences. I can safely say that my friend Sharon (rip), would no longer have to contstantly remind me "You're not in Kansas anymore".  Not that I have ever been to Kansas...but it was a running joke because when she met me I was even more naive than when I signed up for the internet.  Yeah, for those who have known me all these 20 years, it was possible.  Which brings me to the fact that I have friends I've never met that have lasted 20 years...  Amazing.  

I guess that is what keeps me coming back to this forum....its the people I've met, those of you who have let me peek into the windows of your homes and of your souls.  I just don't want to let it go...

For now I will begin again the way I once started...A letter to an unknown friend.  Hope for the future.  Belief in common people. I've made a lot of friends over the years using just that approach.  I'm hoping it still works.



Male Cravings

I am wary of that which I crave. I keep a check on my own dependence, even while I favor dominant and bossy men. I am careful not to need a man too much, but I want to know I’m taken care of. I pay close attention to the motives of really intelligent men but I have little patience for fools. I guard myself around powerful men but need to feel protected. I think that I confuse men as much as myself. I have a running joke....*I want a man who is more of a man than I am*. See the thing is, as far as women go, I am pretty powerful in a lot of ways. It’s the way I was born, not a life choice. I want to be one of those soft sweet women that stand by their man and I think I could be if I had a man I could stand by. I don’t care about materialism or money, but he needs to be intelligent and passionate and strong and domineering, for me to want to be with him. He also needs to be compassionate and kind and romantic and sweet for me to be able to love him. Can you see where my problems with relationships are? I want too damn much from one person and I can’t seem to make myself settle for less. See I want the fairy tale too... I'm having some serious cravings. I'd like a rose....but leave the thorns on please.


LDR = Fantasy

I know several people trying to make long distance relationships work.  In addition to my own 2 serious LDR attempts (several minor LDR dating experiences as well) , I'm actually going to be talking abut 7 different couples in this post, not big details but just the oddities and commonalities I've noticed. Not one of these so called love matches have been in existence for what I would consider long term (beyond a year of exclusivity), except for my most embarrassing attempt which lasted over 2 years.  Most of these couples have only spend extended time (more than a few hours) in each other's company 3 or 4 times in the space of this year.  One couple has never even met in person (both parties are married to others).  2 of the couples (and I only use the term couples because the term pairs seems so cold but it is probably more suitable) have known each other in real life years and years and years ago (1 couple were high school crushes and the another couple knew each other as neighbors back in the early 90's).  Without fail each of these couples, including myself in my longest LDR, believes that they are so special that GOD brought them together or back together.  SERIOUSLY...when it comes to romance....we all get just that stupid.

I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning.  God knows who you are.  He knows where you live.  If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door.  WTH???  Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live.  Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them.  1 pair live on separate coastlines.  Yeah.  That's going to work.  Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.

The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates".  Really?  What in Hell is a soul mate anyway?  Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment.  I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way.  I want a life mate.  One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed.  People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice.  I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call.  I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.

A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work.  Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues.  I still think blind faith is a mistake.  Trust should be earned.  It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you.  My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment.  I only had words to go on.  Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.

Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems.  Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time.  They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit.  Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life.  Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods.  They only show each other the good side.  When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end.  When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.

Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other.  Sacrifices are always asked...  but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other.  I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.

I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave.  Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life.  Most of the time these relationships do not work though.  The truth is he or she chose a different life.

I wrote this when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....


My work is good.

I love October.  Its my favorite month.  I love the frequent storms and the way the air changes in temperature and intensity. I like the sound that the birds make as they say good bye until next Spring.  The colors amaze me.  Yes...the trees fascinate me but so do the red streaks at sunset and the beiges and browns and oranges when the moon is heavy and full.  The night sky sparkles and its navy blue instead of black...even daytime clouds have a different intensity..the whites become opaque and the greys become silver.  I love to watch the leaves as they flutter and hover in the air before falling to the ground..and the feel of the frozen grass in the morning.   October calls to me and whispers to me to write and write and write.

And so I do....

This afternoon I start my training in something that may well change my life again.  I can see possibilities before I even start.  This will be time well spent.  I'm excited to be learning again.  I am so grateful that I am infinitely curious and that I didn't lose that as I aged like so many people do.

Last month at this time my instincts were firing and dreams haunted me because I could feel my life turning.   I get these when the moon is full and when the moon is gone it begins and the circle completes with the next full moon.  Maybe its coincidence...I don't dispute those who dispute.  I just know that in my life, I am that way... Even my children were born during the moon.   I did not actually fear those dreams or visions.... but for one who is like me changes bring trepidation and uncertainty.   It seems my whole life I have only longed for roots and solid ground and have yet to experience it.  I can't complain because change equals growth and I learn so much from these uprootings....still I envy those who have lived in the same home, worked for the same company and loved the same person for years and years and years...  They are the lucky ones I think.  One day I hope to be like that. One day I hope that life becomes utterly boring and I am able to take comfort in another old face.

My stability comes from my faith and from my family.  I am a lucky one.  Blessed to have both.

I am worried about the friend I spoke of in earlier posts.  Its difficult for both of us right now and we have this White Elephant between us that we are not addressing.  He's become distant in his guilt and I cannot soothe him.  I feel no guilt, but perhaps I should.  I live for truth.  I speak it when its hard.  So does he.  The problem comes when truth collides with the best interests of each other.  A true friendship is as rickety a building as a marriage.  It must be constantly stabilized and rebuild lest it fall down in a mountain of rusty nails and rotted boards.  I won't let him disappear from me, though he tries to fade away.  He is my friend and we made a few bad choices but those did not include the option of losing a friend.  I will need him again one day just as he needs me now...whether or not he admits it.  If we are lucky we are given a handful of people not born to us that we can trust absolutely.  I'm not giving up on even one of those people.  Those people are worth my efforts.

I miss my older children.  My daughter stays in frequent contact and makes sure that my lovely granddaughter does not forget me...but its not the same.  I miss knowing that I could just stop by, and that if I asked her to come for the holidays she could.  She is doing right though, she is putting her family needs first in her life, even when she misses her Mama.  My eldest son is a different matter, he's ever the hermit and keeps weird hours.  We were so close when he was a child that I think it made a rift when he became an adult.  So I watch him from a distance and welcome him when he calls...and he does but I long for more.  My youngest is finally what I would call a young adult.  He stayed on that precipice between boy and man for so long I wondered if and when he would finally cross over...but he's doing it now.  Its going to kill me to let go of him.  He needed me the most and now he needs me less and less each day.  I should feel better about my kids being adults.  I did my job in horrible situations and somehow managed to get it done...but I don't.  I miss the babies I had.

The plus side to them growing up is that I've finally been able to start concentrating on all those dreams I had before I became a mother.  I'm finally going to write that book. Maybe I will write a couple. I'm not going to wait until I have "time" because the time is now.  I don't know if I will be published and honestly, its ok if I'm not.  If I can't sell it/them then I will give it/them away.  My words will once again become my children....  but I think I was right to put it all on hold because I will never get the satisfaction from writing, though it is my first love, that I got from Motherhood.  When I do pass from this world I know I left a living legacy in them.

My work is good.


Looking from the outside in...

So I wrote my previous post on Monday...a little over a week ago.  The next day I was laid off again.  Following days found life ever changing.  Always something or someone keeping me busy.

I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off.  I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know.  I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions.  I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow.  My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.

People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes.  So much sadness out there.  So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them.  We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power.  We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on.  Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love.  I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life.  FEAR NOT.  The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all.  Fear destroys us from the inside out.  We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day.  Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.

I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it.  It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.

I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real.  Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting.   Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted.  It would have been uneven love.  It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us.  One person can not be in a relationship just leaves you wanting.  That, my friends, is always the worst thing.  Wanting only increases hunger.  Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.

I'm starving for real love though.  I have to be so very careful.  One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed.  It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well.  Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion.  I have to be cautious.  My passion is too strong when I love.  I don't know how to regulate it.

I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded.  I thought of keeping secrets from them before.  I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path.  I think I wanted to screw up.  I didn't want to be stopped.  Maybe I was testing them.  Seeing if they were paying see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck.  It worries me to think I would do that.  Its addictive behavior.  Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs.  Secrets are ugly festering things.  I need transparency in my life.  I don't want to have secrets or be a secret.  I don't want to make myself into a secret.  Secrets are never good and almost always bad.

So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....


Just a bunch of rambling words or my excuse for not writing for so long

Don't know what it is about this time of year that makes me so reflective.  I was reading some old posts and noticed I went about a year without writing.  Weird.  I think that was my longest stretch ever without words taking over.  But like any good romance...I still love words and they still come to me when I need.

I have been writing actually.  Some awful poetry and some good things.  I write the newsletter where I work too.  Mostly I write nonsense though.  Facebook may be dumbing me down a bit.  I worry about that.

i seem to have lost my love of politics.  Maybe I've just become disillusioned.  I'm not impressed with the people running in any party.  I'm sick of the back stabbing and fighting between friends over those same idiots.  Most of the time I'm just hoping we will get lucky because I don't see enough real information out there for any of us to make an informed decision.  We are all just guessing based on media that pushes its own agendas and sound bites from politicians that were written by people who may not even know them personally.  There is no face I trust....just hollowed out eyes in the masks they wear.  I'm amazed at the issues being discussed.  Its as if none of us learned about the checks and balances of our government system in school.  I barely hear anything about any race except the presidential one....funny thing is the President will always be held hostage by congress and senate.  Crazy world.  I have to wonder what kind of president we might get if we got rid of all the chatter and refused to let them know what we were thinking.  Make them have to actually present themselves without media doing anything but factual reporting.  Keep opinions silent and out of the mix.  Get rid of speechwriters and let them find thier own words and maybe use thier own thoughts.  It might be interesting to find out....

My kids are all doing pretty awesome.  Things are looking up for us all financially....maybe we aren't all as well employed as we were a few years ago but none of us were destroyed when the lay-offs seemed to hit us one by one.  We get back up when we are knocked down.  Celia and Billy had to move away and I miss them terribly, Especially since they took my little Princess Gigglebutt with them....but I talk to them often and am kept up to date on every milestone and they visit when they can.  The Princess definitely inherited that Capital X gene.  She's already speaking short sentences and strings 2 or 3 together to get a point across...She started walking and talking well before a year old and now at a year and a half she is beautiful with hair past her shoulders, her mothers personality and Gamma's grin.  She has her Daddy's eyes.

Romance continues to elude me but I don't care as much as I once did.  Finally realized that i am pretty ok on my own.  Still hope for it, just not enough to spend the rest of my life worrying about it I guess.  It makes me sad a little but not despondent.  I leave it in God's hands.  Maybe I am better alone.

Its strange the way life has so many ups and downs....and my words seem to flow back and forth with them. i remember times when I could barely make it through the normal day to day stuff because all  I wanted to do was rush home and write...but there were months not long ago that I couldn't write at all and the white pages on my computer just taunted me.  Something in between now I guess.  I want to find the words again, but not sure if I can still do it.


taking it slow.....

Its Atumn again. 

My parents just clebrated thier 50th wedding anniversary. I'm so happy for them but it sucks, it really does, to know that I will never have one of those. I feel cheated but nothing to do about it now. Too late wise and too soon old as the saying goes...

 Makes me long for romance....but not enough to take the imitiations being offered ...

Whatever happened to dating?  Finding a person you really liked and seeing where it went without constantly searching or hoping for someone better?  What is up with men expecting me to sleep with them without any assurance that they won't be sleeping with others? Seriously.

When I was young we called it "going together" it wasn't nearly as temporary or as shallow as today's "hooking up" or "FWB".  When a woman and a man liked each other they would date.  Dating consisted of making out or even light petting but the heavier stuff and sex (if it happened) was reserved for your boyfriend or girlfriend after a reasonable amount of time and the status actually had to be asked and answered. I remember fondly one young man who's voice actually squeaked when he asked me to be his girlfriend...    How sweet it was to make him happy with my simple yes...

Yeah we had boyfriends and girlfriends instead of "FuckBuddies".  It was an exclusive situation. It wasn't an engagement or other promise to go beyond that point but it was an indication that the person took you seriously enough to think you mattered and that they were willing to ponder the possibility of  "What if this works" while not spending his/her  time looking for someone they thought would be more exciting.  Hearts were involved and all the emotions and demands that go with them.  People tried really hard to learn who their partner was. It felt so good to know that someone really cared enough to make even that small commitment.

When I first divorced at 30, I went into serious culture shock.  I think I still am.  I don't like what men and women call relationships anymore... I guess that's no secret.

When men find out that I won't participate in a FWB thing they freak out.  It immediately occurs to them that I want a ring and a promise of forever.  Its funny to people who know me personally.  I'm kinda known to be quite the heartbreaker and have had more than my share of stalkers and men who just can't seem to take "goodbye" as my final answer. 

All I really want to do is go back to a slower pace.  I want to actually dedicate my time and attention to one man and know its being returned so we can see who they really are and ponder what is actually going to happen between us. I don't want to have to worry about the disease he is giving to me because he was out doing the FWB thing with 25 year olds who are doing it to someone doing the same thing. I don't want to constantly be sizing up my competition. I want to be respected for who I am and not just those amazing things I am happy to participate in.  I want trust instead jealousy both for me and for him. I don't want to be suspicious because of secrets or being a secret.  It does not make me feel special because I am not a fool.

I don't want to rush things....I want to date...maybe date more than one person at a time in the beginning....I want to flirt....I want to woo....I want my friends to remark about how i glow when he calls and I want his friends to snicker when I call.  I want to be valued enough that a date doesn't equal a lay and I want to be asked to become exclusive because he can't bear the thought of another man taking away his chance at this beautiful possibility that is growing between us.  If i agree....then I want his hands to be shaking as much as mine when he claims my body, because he has waited and wanted me as much as I have hoped for and wanted him.

That's romance....that's the kind of romance that could make me love again....

I want to make love and not just have sex.  I want a boyfriend....not a FuckBuddy...  If that was all I wanted my dance card could be full up in an hour and I'd be the biggest slut in town.  I want someone special....because I am.

I want to take it slow...but I want to take it....


Love has two unbreakable laws

1. You can not make someone love you. 2. You can not make someone stop.


The Truth About Passionate Women

Y'know guys always think they want a passionate woman. What they really want is a woman who can fake passion in the bedroom.

The truth is passion is a way of BEING. You either are or you aren't.

There is no control panel where switches wait ready to turn it on when we praise your lawn mowing skills, but turn it off when we bitch about your underwear laying beside the hamper on the bathroom floor.

There is no switch where we turn it off so we don't hear your ugly words when you are drunk and think we are fat and then turn it on again to become your fantasy lover when you're done looking at your porno flicks.

It doesn't work that way. ITS EITHER ALL ON OR ALL OFF BABY!!!!!!!!!

There is no happy medium. You can trust me on this.

The woman who is calm all day long does not become an animal in the bedroom. If she does she is FAKING it. It is very easy to fake feeling emotions you don't feel.

The woman who is an animal in the bedroom is an animal all day. It is not so easy to pretend to feel nothing when you feel things twice as deeply.

If you cut me I will bleed, If you hurt me I will cry, If you please me I will do anything you ask, willing and joyful. But you can never have it all ways.

The truth about passionate women:

I guess that is why so many men cheat. They want one woman who is docile at home and an animal at their disposal so they can pick the mood they want.

I'm too valuable to put up with that. I'll just say NEXT (which is what I always do).

You can have the pretty wrapping or you can have the rare and freaking interesting gift inside after you open the package. You never really get to have both.

If you want to play with the box...go after docile women. If you never want to be bored again....then open the box and play with me.