LDR = Fantasy

I know several people trying to make long distance relationships work.  In addition to my own 2 serious LDR attempts (several minor LDR dating experiences as well) , I'm actually going to be talking abut 7 different couples in this post, not big details but just the oddities and commonalities I've noticed. Not one of these so called love matches have been in existence for what I would consider long term (beyond a year of exclusivity), except for my most embarrassing attempt which lasted over 2 years.  Most of these couples have only spend extended time (more than a few hours) in each other's company 3 or 4 times in the space of this year.  One couple has never even met in person (both parties are married to others).  2 of the couples (and I only use the term couples because the term pairs seems so cold but it is probably more suitable) have known each other in real life years and years and years ago (1 couple were high school crushes and the another couple knew each other as neighbors back in the early 90's).  Without fail each of these couples, including myself in my longest LDR, believes that they are so special that GOD brought them together or back together.  SERIOUSLY...when it comes to romance....we all get just that stupid.

I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning.  God knows who you are.  He knows where you live.  If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door.  WTH???  Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live.  Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them.  1 pair live on separate coastlines.  Yeah.  That's going to work.  Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.

The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates".  Really?  What in Hell is a soul mate anyway?  Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment.  I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way.  I want a life mate.  One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed.  People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice.  I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call.  I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.

A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work.  Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues.  I still think blind faith is a mistake.  Trust should be earned.  It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you.  My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment.  I only had words to go on.  Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.

Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems.  Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time.  They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit.  Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life.  Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods.  They only show each other the good side.  When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end.  When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.

Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other.  Sacrifices are always asked...  but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other.  I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.

I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave.  Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life.  Most of the time these relationships do not work though.  The truth is he or she chose a different life.

I wrote this when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....

No comments: