Rainy Days

We have fairly heavy rain today...but I love the rain....especially on Sundays. No, I won't post the Keith Urban song since I already hit facebook up with that. I don't have an opening line or even a good idea. I'm just writing because I haven't for a while. I have a love/hate thing with words....but despite the volatility, its the longest romantic relationship of my life, and probably the most passionate..... I think I was making up rhymes and grandstanding with my own soliloquies long before I started reading at 3 or 4 years old. Stories are still being told. Sometimes by other people.

I've written no less than 10 follow up paragraphs to that with as many subjects! The problem is I am all about keeping it real and making it truth but I don't want to right now. Its so much easier to write when things are not in transitional phases and you have no fear that your truth may affect the direction of your life. What has happened to my courage?

When I was young I did not just walk where angels feared to tread, I would stand naked in a fire and taunt the Devil himself. I was reckless in love and in life. I thought that I was created special. With a half century of life lived now, I know better. Some of those wounds nearly killed me. My scars are mostly hidden now.....but they protect my heart and mind like the thickest leather.

Over the years I slowly added armor to my spirit. I have a shield now. Most people can't see it, but I know its there. I used to just armor up for romance, but I have learned that I need this armor to keep false friends at bay and to safely pass through career challenges as well. I think I've lost the ability to trust wthout proof. I miss it.

When I was young I would go on daily adventures...I smiled at strangers and when a boy would try to kiss often as not I would let him. I remember with a smile in my heart, long walks in unfamiliar areas where I would let my curiosity free. I'd pet stray dogs and not worry about fleas and would pick up bugs just to get a closer look without worrying about stings. I climbed trees without a fear of falling.

What I wouldn't give to be that person again....

I'd give even more if I could offer that world to my granddaughter....


And the STUPID Award Goes To.............................................

My mother sent me this in an email. I thought I knew stupid....but I haven't met this guy yet.....

At least they were taking hygiene into consideration....

Bet you are wondering why I am posting this......

Well................ the purpose of this GUY's surgery is

Believe it or not............................

Breast Implants!!!!!

For his tattoo!!!!!

I wouldn't date him.....but I'd love to invite him to a party.........
What is the dumbest thing you've heard of recently?



I really hate this texting stuff going on now between men and women.  Seriously.  I have friends that actually feel *love* for persons that are 95% wishful thinking put into text messages.  These same friends come to me crying.

Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms.  Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.

8-3-1  is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning.  First thing he freaking did NOT just make that up for you.  He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either.  He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot.  If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night.  He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.

If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it.  He doesn't.  In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you.  Those other women just might ask questions.  Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing.  This is a way of  keeping things quiet.

If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.

If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.

If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.

yeah...I do think you are stupid.  I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.

I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy.  My reasons are really good.  I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....

Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.


Friends With Benefits

What is this thing all the middle aged single men have with the FWB status instead of real relationships? Do they not see that they are not the same hottie they were at 25? They sure seem to notice that women are not. Do they think that by protecting their single status that women are going to be lining up to give them the benefits they want to be paid for the pleasure of their *friendship*?
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
Lower your standard of living to your level of income. There is no shame in it. You will never have to give up your intellect, your body, or your piece of mind to pay the bills that way. I promise, it’s a much higher standard of living.

No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….

Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.

Which man do you want to be with?


Trust Issues

I'm working on building the life and relationships I need rather than want. its not easy delineating the two things. I've learned that the things I want sometimes are exactly the things I don't need and while the things I need are not nearly as exciting, they are more fulfilling.

Its the difference between candy and real food.
My first step in this process is learning how to trust others. Especially those who love me. I've defended my lack of trust as being careful and not wanting to be made a fool of when just as often it has been selfishness and fear. Granted, I have had experiences that I've overcompensated for but they were years ago and I make people who did not give me reason for my suspicion pay for those who did.

My rules have not been fair. I won't say I've truly trusted anyone yet, but I am behaving as if I trust people. Even if I jump to conclusions, I hold back. I am being careful not to react to stimulus right away. Not trusting others is a form of constant fear. I don't want to live in it anymore.

I'm working on a stronger foundation for life.


After I dropped the last guy who liked me just before New Years (he may have thought he was special to me if I'd gone out with him), I started, again, wondering why I can't seem to find the love I so want.

It hurts sometimes.

The truth is I did find it a long time ago but my fears ruined it then and several other attempts with the same man. Instead of getting over it-----I have been trying to over compensate for it.

I am always looking for the error, waiting for the failure and expecting that my love will never be good enough.     Just like Job...the things I greatly fear come upon me.     Men say all the pretty words I want to hear but want them back and that ends it.

I try to convince myself and everyone else that they are asking too much and rushing me but that isn't and hasn't been the truth for a long time. They behave as all men do when a woman is enticing them and backing off.

I am the master of mixed signals. I'm a tease. I don't play fair. They fell in love with the woman I was pretending to be. I never let them close enough to know what a bitch I really am.

I wanted it all to be true with these guys. I wanted to be who they thought I was. I wanted to believe I was really looking for love but my heart has been blocked off for a long while. I haven't been playing with it...I've been playing at romance with my ego instead.

No doubt I've been treated badly a few times, but I probably brought it on myself. I need to stop pretending to be whoever I figure they want me to be.

Maybe I will date and maybe I won't. Today dating somehow just doesn't seem that important anymore.

My heart is otherwise occupied filtering through the damage I've done in my life and wondering how to make things right again.