Reflection

After I dropped the last guy who liked me just before New Years (he may have thought he was special to me if I'd gone out with him), I started, again, wondering why I can't seem to find the love I so want.

It hurts sometimes.

The truth is I did find it a long time ago but my fears ruined it then and several other attempts with the same man. Instead of getting over it-----I have been trying to over compensate for it.

I am always looking for the error, waiting for the failure and expecting that my love will never be good enough.     Just like Job...the things I greatly fear come upon me.     Men say all the pretty words I want to hear but want them back and that ends it.

I try to convince myself and everyone else that they are asking too much and rushing me but that isn't and hasn't been the truth for a long time. They behave as all men do when a woman is enticing them and backing off.

I am the master of mixed signals. I'm a tease. I don't play fair. They fell in love with the woman I was pretending to be. I never let them close enough to know what a bitch I really am.

I wanted it all to be true with these guys. I wanted to be who they thought I was. I wanted to believe I was really looking for love but my heart has been blocked off for a long while. I haven't been playing with it...I've been playing at romance with my ego instead.

No doubt I've been treated badly a few times, but I probably brought it on myself. I need to stop pretending to be whoever I figure they want me to be.

Maybe I will date and maybe I won't. Today dating somehow just doesn't seem that important anymore.

My heart is otherwise occupied filtering through the damage I've done in my life and wondering how to make things right again.