I miss JLand.

I don't even know why I write in here anymore.  I guess I miss it.  I miss what blogging was back when AOL Journals ruled the day that is.  Now there is so little interaction on our actual blogs...  Facebook has completely taken it over it seems.

Now we post inspiring words written across a photograph, witty one liners and jokes.  Once in a while we get daring enough to write a whole paragraph. We no longer share the details of our day to day experiences, wax poetic or painstakingly put together entire essays to  inspire our co-writers.  We loved the journals...we all swore that we'd continue on in Blogger what we had begun in JLand.  We didn't.  

None of us, including me, comment very much on those of us who continue on.  Now all our comments are lightening fast and geared towards getting the best laugh on facebook.  We went from taking ourselves much too serious to not taking anything serious.

I try to tell myself that its just that we are older...maybe none of us have the creativity and energy to continue on like we did 10 - 15 years ago.  Maybe we just shrunk inside.  I used to write about politics, but I've become disillusioned.  So fed up that in a fit of anger a few years ago,  I removed every thing I ever wrote about politics.  I wish I hadn't.  There was nothing wrong with my thinking or my writing.  I've deleted a lot of posts over the years that I wish I hadn't.  I remember a time when I actually had 5 blogs going at once, 2 were invitation only....I was so bad sometimes....or at least I thought I was.

Even now I struggle trying to remember how to make my blog interesting.  Trying to think of subjects is difficult these days and I seem to be too busy or tired to go hunting for the photos and youtube videos to set them off.  Just words on a page for now... but I'm the determined sort.  I'll figure it all out again.  

I remember how innocent I was when I first started really getting into chatrooms and blogging.  I was 31 years old and recently divorced and remarried.  I was a typical midwestern girl...I apologized when I swore unless I was really mad.  I didn't tell a dirty joke to a guy unless I had known him all my life.  I flirted outrageously and never thought a guy might take that seriously. I trusted everyone and thought that  no one would take advantage of a sweet girl like me.  I was nice to everyone unless I had cause not to be.  I had had a couple stalkers in my life, but they had reason.  I was as young in my head as a 16 year old kid is today... maybe younger.  My life was vanilla but I thought I had seen it all.  Oh my.  I've learned and experienced so much via the internet over the years... most of it good...but some not so good.  I've definitely learned a lot more about people's experiences...all kinds of experiences. I can safely say that my friend Sharon (rip), would no longer have to contstantly remind me "You're not in Kansas anymore".  Not that I have ever been to Kansas...but it was a running joke because when she met me I was even more naive than when I signed up for the internet.  Yeah, for those who have known me all these 20 years, it was possible.  Which brings me to the fact that I have friends I've never met that have lasted 20 years...  Amazing.  

I guess that is what keeps me coming back to this forum....its the people I've met, those of you who have let me peek into the windows of your homes and of your souls.  I just don't want to let it go...

For now I will begin again the way I once started...A letter to an unknown friend.  Hope for the future.  Belief in common people. I've made a lot of friends over the years using just that approach.  I'm hoping it still works.


TNAADB3YVZK3

Maybe I don't know everything

Today I was lucky enough to have time to talk with my real-life friends. I'm lucky enough to have several both at work and outside of work that truly care about my well being...yeah they rib me when they can and tell me what I don't want to know but they are good friends. I needed that today. It helps that most of them are sane.

One of my friends is ill. Seriously so. I refuse to believe anything bad can happen to her because I don't know what I would do without her. I feel kind of selfish in that belief but the truth is she is one of the few people in this world who "gets" me. She could probably tell you exactly what I would do in a given situation and seldom be wrong. I want to "be there" for her as much as possible. Its kinda hard because I want to smother her with affection and tears. I have to stop myself from seeing if she needs help. See she is probably more independent and proud than I am. She's like a super-woman. She'll do it all or die trying. Probably how she got so sick. My friend makes me look like a sissy girl. She's my hero. I would be lost in life without her. So what can I do to make her days better, to help her without her feeling like she's imposing? I really want to know. I don't know what I would want other than to not be treated like an invalid. She is powerful. I want more than anything for her to keep feeling that way. I know the risks and the expectations and side effects. I've chosen to focus on hope. Deal with the facts and make the future what she wants it to be. I want to be her friend. I've always considered myself the weaker link here.... I can't be that now. I have to toughen up and help hold her steady. What can I do? I would love suggestions.

I can't go through another sleepless night. My brain is scrambled.

It takes all kinds

People judge you by the company you keep.

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me and sometimes (like when they find out that I am friends with a couple criminal lawyers), I'm not left wondering long.

Why do people feel they have a right to judge another's judgement? In addition to lawyers and people of all religions, professions, and colors of skin, and in addition to my normal people and professional associates, I have friends who are homeless, have facial piercings, are gay or bisexual and even one who has been committed a couple of times. She's fine when she isn't crazy. Some of the people I mention have or have had problems with drugs and alcohol.

I don't hang out with them all at once....most of my friendships are one on one.

People like me and Iike them. I have a rather famous if distant cousin who was often quoted as never having met a man he didn't like. I get that.

Sometimes I think of my funeral, and I giggle. It ought to be a pretty good show.

I wish I could live to see it.

Belief vs. Behavior

I lost a friend today or at least someone I thought was a friend.

It was stupid really. He was goading me about my beliefs because he is a die-hard atheist. Obviously I am not. I tried very hard to be diplomatic and even agree with him on several points with reference to organized religion. It was supposed to be one of those "Free thought" conversations.

I should have known better. Instead of diplomacy he returned what I can only describe as rabid scorn.

He insulted my intelligence, my beliefs and insisted he could do a better job with humanity than God himself. "Loser" was the term he used to describe him.

I don't pretend to know all there is..... Who could? I don't know why bad things happen to good people. Bad things have happened to me too.... I don't blame God though. I blame the people who do these things.

He seems to think that men have done all good by themselves as well. As if we are responsible for our own creation.

I don't see it that way. The more I understand science the more I understand that there is more to it than that. I've personally experienced what even doctors considered miracles. Doctors are still scientists right? I should not have lived the day I was born and so many miracles since then. No scientific reason....it could be just dumb luck but the laws of probability say no. That is science too.

My point is I have very good reasons to believe the way I do.

Maybe he does too but I couldn't find it in the hatred and the blame he was vomitting at me.

He is entitled in these United States to be be free "from" religion just as I am entitled to be free to choose my own faith. I respect that.

What he is not free to do is insult me and try to engage me in a battle of wits....on this or any other planet.

I've chosen not to have this person in my life. Not because he is atheist. I have several atheist friends.

I've stopped being his friend because he is an asshole.

Have any of you been put in that kind of position?

Trust V. Love

Have you ever wished that you were not quite as intelligent as you are?

People say ignorance is bliss and some days I think they are right.

There is a person whom I care about that is constantly trying to pull the wool over my eyes, so to speak. The problem is I can see right through the wool and I am insulted and hurt by these actions. So I called this person out on it and that person seems to think that "I'm sorry" is somehow enough.

Its not the first time this has occurred. I don't know what is enough.

I just know that "I'm sorry" doesn't cover lies and manipulation for me. It doesn't wash the insult to my pride that the opinion that person held of me was so low as to consider me ignorant.

 "I'm sorry" has nothing to do with it.

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry this person failed me.

I find myself actually wishing I didn't have such high standards of morality and ethical behavior, because my life would be easier if I didn't.

I'm sorry for being a good person....and that's just wrong on so many levels. No one should want to lower their standards for the sake of friendship. Friendship should make us want to be better people, not lesser people.

I want to care about this person but I don't know how to rebuild the trust.

Love seems to be about emotions. Trust, has to be earned....and once lost, it has to be earned back.

Which is more valuable?

Betrayal sucks.

Nostalgia

If auld aquaintance......

I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.

I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.



In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....

Moon Shadow
Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow

She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.

I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....

Let the light shine down.

A good friend is a good find (repost)

There is a man I work with, for his privacy I will just use his initial G. G. is a tall middle aged, well educated black man. I love to hear him talk, he sounds like James Earl Jones.

He has never been a romantic interest, Heaven forbid. I admire him though. He is a wonderful human being. Extremely intelligent. Good heart.

We hit it off immediately. We share shifts about 3 times a week and always find time to talk. We are both intellectuals and interested in a lot more than whatever celebrity will be staying in the hotel next. We discuss politics, religion, gender issues and current events. He fulfills a need in me to communicate with other adults that I am unable to fulfill now due to my family's lack of education, my older children growing up, and just being without a significant other.

In a way, he makes it easy for me to wait until I can have the right relationship without jumping into one out of lonliness. He gives me just enough brain food to keep me from starving.

In the time, I've known him, he has helped me become resolute about the type of man I want. G. has been married forever. Same woman. He's devoted to her. He calls her his girlfriend. He doesn't cheat. They are friends, he respects her. I wish I could meet her. I feel as if I know her. Sometimes I think in another age, or even now if I hadn't had so many events at such young ages, I could be her. I would have been happy to have that kind of life. She is too.

G and Mrs. G. have 2 children who are very successful in their own rights. I think maybe G did his job as a parent too well, they fend pretty well for themselves now and I think he likes looking after me a bit at work because of it. G and Mrs. G. are an example of a couple who have the kind of relationship I want.

Sometimes he gives me a ride home from work. He's like that, kind of protective over me in a fatherly fashion. He is probably the only person I talk to at work that I don't feel the need to censure myself with. We agree on most issues and respect each other when we don't.

I need those few minutes with my friend often. He knows what is going on in my life and his advice is always sound. I wish I had my father or grandfather to talk to, but I'm beginning to think that he is the next best thing. I can trust him because there is nothing that I can do for him. All he wants is to be my friend, and you know what? He is.

He can't solve my problems. There are no answers right now. He does reassure me. He calls me wise, and I believe he means it. Once he said I should have been born a hundred years ago (when he claims to have been), I would have fit in better. Of course I would have been unemployed then, roflmao....no computers.

God sends you angels when you need them.

Things I don't talk about

We all have life changing events in our life. I call them catalysts. There are some things in my life I've alluded to, confessed to, mentioned as background information....but I don't really talk about it. In short sentences, my pain can be ignored and over-ridden by some sarcastic or sardonic remark...and I can just get on to living my life. Usually its easier not to deal with some issues...so I talk about everything else and make jokes when bleeding. This is one of those subjects that I don't talk about. I need a catharsis though. I need closure because I almost did a very stupid thing. Warning this will be a long post. Maybe you will cry. Its not for children. I met B when I was 12 years old and he was 13 or 14. He was tall tan and blonde. I idolized him from a distance because I was gauky in pigtails and chunky and to be honest I had an acne problem. I was a geek...a year's worth of puberty would take care of most of that.... meanwhile I just liked him. He was always nice to me when we did run into each other at the library or something. He held open doors and he would smile at me. He was in the really cool crowd, so it was a big deal. A year and a half later entering High School we actually started hanging out in some of the same circles and a friendship started. I helped him with his homework, and he was one of the guys who introduced me to drugs. The other was my first serious boyfriend, J...and I still can't talk about him. This is an important part to remember. We were not 3 people who hung out together. B was my friend and the one who's shoulder I cried on about the crap J kept giving me. B's family was so fucked up. He said he could only talk to me about it. I was friends with one of his sisters as well, and that is a really sad story...but not for telling here...I only hope her soul is at peace now. She was murdered. The stuff he said was true too....really sad and terrible things. We both had our problems and we handled them by getting stoned. B was one of my best friends. I thought He would risk death for me. I would have risked my life to save him. Sometimes I still crushed on him...we even tried to make-out a couple of times but he would stop it and say our friendship was too important and eventually that stopped happening. During this developing friendship, a friend of mine from jr high, and one of his old girlfriends as well, tried to warn me not to trust him. I was angry and set to defend him but with tears in her eyes she told me that I didn't know what he was capable of. I ended the friendship with her. She just didn't understand B the way I did. I guess he and I spent at least a few hours together a week even after he graduated. I even helped him get his first job. It was one of those great friendships where you know what each other is going to say before you say it and you don't share the friendship with others because, well because they just don't *get it*. I never felt afraid with B. He was going to be a hero one day. At the beginning of my Junior year of High School I became the project of a couple of my teachers. Bound and determined to clean me up and help me succeed. It was crazy the things they did to help me and I didn't deserve any of it. It worked though...the Summer before my Senior year I was clean and working at a great job. I was looking forward to college. B just laughed at first and blew smoke in my face from the joints he smoked. He kept offering me speed like free candy and it was so tempting....but I never gave in. When I was nearly 18 I broke up with J finally and for good. I also ended up missing over a month of school because of scarlet fever. There was no way I could catch up so I quit with the blessing of the Asst. Prinicipal who agreed it would be best if I just returned to school for 1/2 year later rather than kill my GPA. I had plans to go to college. B was joining the Navy. I'd met a nice boy who was a marine and was seriously considering him for my future. He wasn't from around here so he didn't know any of my crazy history. Life seemed full of limitless possibilities. Spring came and B called me a few days before he was scheduled to ship out and invited me to come to his going away party a few days before. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks but no way would I miss his party even if I had to take a break to go to work in the middle of it. I guess I should have thought it was wierd for the party to be on a weekday when he was leaving on a Monday. I never thought B would lie to me. I went to his house. I figured I was just early or that he had wanted me to help set up so we could have a few minutes alone to say good bye. He seemed nervous but I just thought he was *speeding*. He brought me coffee and sat closer than usual to me. We started talking and my new boyfriend came up and B was pissed. I had ruined everything he said... I realized then that B thought we were going to be together. He went into the kitchen to get some coffee or steady his hands...I don't know. I shouldn't have followed him, but I did. I didn't want to lose his friendship. I wanted to talk it out. He threw me against the refridgerator and started trying to make me kiss him. I didn't and he just went weak. I didn't know what to do so I started talking to him...and he seemed to be listening. He was just bummed....wasn't going to rule me out though. He was going to wait me out and we both chuckled. I said...there really wasn't a party today was there B....and he said no...he was just hoping to talk to me. I was really uncomfortable by now and thought I should be getting out of there. B was still acting odd....I didn't know if it was drugs or something worse. I'd never seen him like this before...agitated and ungodly calm at the same time. So I told him I had better head out since I was due at work. He said he wanted to show me something he made first...it was upstairs...too big to bring down. I shouldn't have went. Once I turned on landing I was no longer climbing I was being dragged up stairs. There was a gun on the banister and he grabbed it. I couldn't find my voice at first. I tried to scream but nothing worked right. He was so big. I'd never seen him angry at me but he was. He choked me, he beat me and he raped me. I tried to talk him out of it but it didn't work. He said I thought I was too good for him. He was angry that I looked down on him like he was a druggie. He said I was a fucking tease. When he was done with me he threw my clothes at me and told me to get the Hell out and if I told anyone he'd kill me. I must have walked around crying for three hours. Half the time I didn't even know what my name was. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't go home. I couldn't go anywhere. I got on a bus and somehow ended up at the police station. It was so hard to report him. It was so hard to admit that it could happen to me. I was broken. Not by the rape but by betrayal of my friend. I kept trying to make excuses for it. I kept trying to convince myself that B was just overcome with love for me. I didn't want to end the friendship. I didn't want to believe what happened. I kept thinking I must have done something to make him believe it would be ok. Maybe it was the blue jeans or buttons on my shirt. Maybe I smiled too much. I wanted to go back. I wanted my friend most of all. Maybe it was his fault but not his fault. His family was so bad, he just lost his sister... I hadn't been there for him. Maybe he'd just gone crazy. B wouldn't do this to me. But B did. He did. The police arrested him and his family got him out. (I lost a lot of friends by reporting it. Funny thing is he never denied it. He told the truth too, with a different viewpoint. I don't know why my friends hated me...but some of them did. Even after he told them the truth.) That night he kept walking in front of my house like he did when I used to sneak out the window to join my friends. To let me know people wanted me. My little brother took my father's gun and sat on the roof outside my bedroom to keep him away from me. My little brother was only 14....and felt he had to protect me... I don't know why B did that. He knew my family wouldn't think twice about killing him. I used to think he was desperately hoping we could somehow make it all go away and go back...but now I think he was just hoping we could make it all go away and that's it. Prosecuting someone for rape in Indiana is no piece of cake. I had all this physical evidence on me and that was not proof. There was physical evidence in his house that was not proof. He confessed even knowing all that. That was proof. It was a done deal. I didn't even have to testify beyond a deposition. Still I jumped at the opportunity the Prosecutor presented to plead it down to battery and the State would ensure he spent the time in a mental health facility so that he didn't repeat these actions. It would make it all go away and then B would get the help he needed. I still loved the friend he had once been. I believed his confession was proof that he was truly sorry and wanted and needed help. I think part of me thought that one day he would be *cured* and that he would say he was sorry and be my friend again. It didn't happen. What happened is he made it impossible for me to trust anyone but those very closest to me. What happened is that I hid away and tried to live in a world of my own making for at least 5 years after it happened, and to some degree to this very day. I got married soon after. Not to the marine, my battered heart proved too much for the marine...but that's another story. Basically I made my own prison so I could be safe from the rest of the world. I tried to go back to school...but I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't care about anything but hiding from people so they couldn't hurt me anymore. Flash forward to a few days ago. I sat at the dining table analysing my life and realizing that if I want to move forward I have to let go of the terrible things that hold me back. I decided I would find B and forgive him. I have prayed often for his soul but not for mine regarding all that went down. I know the conviction ruined his life just as the rape completely changed the course of mine. I would write him a letter and forgive him and ask him to do the same for me. I began my search. It didn't take long to find him. He is still here, in my old neighborhood. It was easy to find him because he is a registered sex offender. The last time was for child molestation. I can't forgive him but I can let it go and forgive myself. I'm glad I wrote this and not a letter. (note: actually written and published on 11/13/2010 redated it to put it to the oldest posts in this blog)

Another Holiday at the Inn

I love these people!!!!!!

Other Blogger's Christmas spirit.

I have to give the usual *Not always for Christian or Children's eyes* warning here. Yep I do like some offensive stuff....but if you are at my blog, you know you (even if secretly) enjoy some of it too....and basically it is pretty tame.

Some of it is just sweet too.

Here are my HO HO HO s, HA HA HA s, and AHHHHHH how sweet! s, for today!

http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/

http://journals.aol.com/alphawoman1/Alphawomansblog/

http://journals.aol.com/delela1/BlueSkiesandGentleBreezes

http://prettypuddleglum.blogspot.com/2007/12/new-christmas-spirit-part-14.html

(hilarious 12 days of Christmas post above, if you check her site out you'll find some other song remakes, some are more melancholy than funny though....still a talented lady)

http://journals.aol.com/mlraminiak/ComingtotermswithMiddleAge/

(She even finds hope in sadness....)

http://journals.aol.com/dbaumgartner/MakingAHome/

She knows how to keep that Christmas spirit all the time, but this months entries are full of christmas LOVE.

http://journals.aol.com/dklars/SecretGarden/

All her Christmas energy is wearing me out! My goodness I feel soooooooo inferior!

http://www.tracenoel.blogspot.com/

Real Christmas Spirit is found here too.

http://stupidsheet.blogspot.com/

He's sarcastic...but he has a soft and squishy center.

http://stillunhinged.blogspot.com/

writing about a real, honest to goodness, Christmas miracle that just happened to her family.

That should get you surfing....

Enjoy Christmas!

Ho Ho Ho ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ

My Santa hat's too big! It was a slow day at the inn today. Good thing too, because as you can see by the circles on the circles under my eyes....I've been sleepless lately!

Least my hair is finally growing out!

I earned the Santa cap by the way....

I went shopping for ALL my gifts yesterday....and I did it all in one night....just like the big guy himself.

I was an amazing sight to behold....unless you were in my way. Snatch...Grab....Race to the next aisle....I was utterly AMAZING!!! Not only did I do some great shopping (and y'all know I hate shopping) but I got some great deals too.... I came in UNDER budget this year. Yay me! I bought a new Othello game to reward myself....now I just have to find a WORTHY opponent....and I am soooooooooo good at this game. I bet I could beat you!

The slide show is just some of the goofy people I work with..... I love my job!