I know several people trying to make long distance relationships work. In addition to my own 2 serious LDR attempts (several minor LDR dating experiences as well) , I'm actually going to be talking abut 7 different couples in this post, not big details but just the oddities and commonalities I've noticed. Not one of these so called love matches have been in existence for what I would consider long term (beyond a year of exclusivity), except for my most embarrassing attempt which lasted over 2 years. Most of these couples have only spend extended time (more than a few hours) in each other's company 3 or 4 times in the space of this year. One couple has never even met in person (both parties are married to others). 2 of the couples (and I only use the term couples because the term pairs seems so cold but it is probably more suitable) have known each other in real life years and years and years ago (1 couple were high school crushes and the another couple knew each other as neighbors back in the early 90's). Without fail each of these couples, including myself in my longest LDR, believes that they are so special that GOD brought them together or back together. SERIOUSLY...when it comes to romance....we all get just that stupid.
I really wish people would just leave God out of their reasoning. God knows who you are. He knows where you live. If God was going to bring a person to make your life feel perfect, He would seriously deliver him or her to your door. WTH??? Do we really think God is so cruel as to give us a gift of this magical proportion but to put it so far out of reach that we couldn't even unwrap or explore it? Yeah... I learned that lesson the hard way and both of those LDR attempts were in the State of Indiana, where I live. Every one of the other 7 couples have several states between them. 1 pair live on separate coastlines. Yeah. That's going to work. Every time you talk about your divine intervention...I can guarantee that the Devil laughs at you.
The other phrase I hear a lot is "we are soul mates". Really? What in Hell is a soul mate anyway? Everyone uses that phrase to describe their romance of the moment. I don't remember the last wedding I went to where the term soul mates wasn't used to describe the intended...most of those marriages have split up by the way. I want a life mate. One of those people who exist and participate in your life, in your company and in your bed. People try to make love this magical mystery tour when the truth is we should be making it much more practical and putting it into practice. I think we would all be happier watching football or whatever with someone who laughs at our jokes rather than pining away for someone who may or may not answer when you call. I think we are happier sharing friends and a life over sharing stories of those friends and the life someone is not a part of.
A person has to have blind faith in another to make a LDR work. Not only is it unlikely but its stupid. I know I have trust issues. I still think blind faith is a mistake. Trust should be earned. It is very easy to lie to someone who can't check up on you. My most serious LDR had a wife. The other serious LDR was just afraid of commitment. I only had words to go on. Those words were lies made easy because I wasn't close enough physically to be able to check out my own situation.
Most of the couples involved in my reasons behind this post truthfully have commitment problems. Its easier to be involved with someone that they don't have to deal with most of the time. They never fight because they only have to pretend they care during frequent but still limited phone calls, internet interactions and the rare visit. Visits generally are focused on sex and not real life. Their partner never sees them gloomy, angry, sloppy or sad....or any other of a multitude of real life situations and moods. They only show each other the good side. When the bad side finally does peek in then these relationships end. When need is expressed but doesn't get answered, these relationships end.
Worst kind of end to these relationships is when one partner starts making moves to create a real life relationship with the other. Sacrifices are always asked... but the truth is if the other person had wanted to share the life you have....where-ever you are....He or she would have been living it already and you would not have ever been in a LDR... instead you would have really known each other. I can't say whether that would have worked because one of you would have been a different person than they are.
I am sure that once in a blue moon one of these relationships work out, especially if the distance isn't too great and neither person is mired in a career or surrounded by local friends/family that they can not bear to leave. Even then there are a lot of wake-up calls to be made when the couple finally starts living the real "wow we are both here" kind of life. Most of the time these relationships do not work though. The truth is he or she chose a different life.
I wrote this http://blessedarethemeekimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/2008/05/long-distance-relationships.html when I ended the shorter and more beautiful of the 2 serious LDR's I participated in. If you are involved in one of these relationships now...maybe you should read it....
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Saturday
Sunday
I H8 TXTNG
I really hate this texting stuff going on now between men and women. Seriously. I have friends that actually feel *love* for persons that are 95% wishful thinking put into text messages. These same friends come to me crying.
Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms. Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.
8-3-1 is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning. First thing ladies....no he freaking did NOT just make that up for you. He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either. He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot. If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night. He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.
If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it. He doesn't. In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you. Those other women just might ask questions. Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing. This is a way of keeping things quiet.
If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.
If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.
If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.
yeah...I do think you are stupid. I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.
I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy. My reasons are really good. I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....
Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.
Yeah real tears for the fake emotions and psuedo touches they get via sms. Not even a smile or a voice to go along with them.
8-3-1 is short hand for *I love you* as in 8 letters, 3 words, and one meaning. First thing ladies....no he freaking did NOT just make that up for you. He didn't make up the other code 1-4-3 either. He's an idiot and you are a bigger idiot. If he loved you he would, at the very least, whisper those words in your ear....preferably before or after kissing your lips and in a perfect world....after giving you several hours on a Friday or Saturday night. He doesn't love you....I don't care how many times he sends you the saved message GM 1-4-3 CU Soon.
If he only says he loves you in ways that other people can't witness it. He doesn't. In fact he doesn't call you because he doesn't want anyone to notice him talking to you. Those other women just might ask questions. Those baby-mama's are not big on sharing. This is a way of keeping things quiet.
If he texts you that he wishes he were with you when he could be with you if he wished.....he's pretty much lieing.
If he texts you that he misses you and yet he's never makes an effort to see you....well those actions are not just speaking louder than words they are trying to slap your face.
If he answers your txts at ungodly hours in the morning...he probably has to sneak his phone into the bathroom to text you so the wife or girlfriend doesn't notice.
yeah...I do think you are stupid. I don't want to, but anyone who thinks they can have a phone-in relationship and there be an actual future in it is not the brightest bulb in the pack.
I have a standard no texting except in an emergency policy. My reasons are really good. I figure if a man really wants to talk to me he will find his voice somehow ----and if he loved me....I'd like to think he could come up with a more original way to get the message across than 8-3-1.....
Besides....i'm NOT Stupid.
Thursday
Friends With Benefits
What is this thing all the middle aged single men have with the FWB status instead of real relationships? Do they not see that they are not the same hottie they were at 25? They sure seem to notice that women are not. Do they think that by protecting their single status that women are going to be lining up to give them the benefits they want to be paid for the pleasure of their *friendship*?
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….
Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.
Which man do you want to be with?
Seriously…. Its time for truth telling here. Guys, those 25 year old girls you are lusting after are only lusting after your fatter wallet. These girls know the secret to financial solvency is to close their eyes so you will open it. They really don’t have a father-fixation except that they still need someone to pay for stuff. Life is tough. Don’t just wake up and smell the coffee….go look in the mirror at your sorry asses. Its truly pathetic. Your mother, your sisters, and your exes are all laughing at you behind your back. Your daughters are embarrassed. Yep. Kinda the same way you laugh at our shoe fixation.
I don’t do the FWB status and ladies I urge you to refuse as well. It doesn’t benefit us anymore. The risk of disease is too great because our dating pool doesn’t like to glove it. Don’t forget that just because we are beginning to hit menopause does not mean we can’t get pregnant. I am the child of a man who was his mother’s menopausal baby. Do you really want to be an unwed mother at 50? Just because Mother Nature doesn’t make a big scene does not mean she didn’t lay a few eggs around. Not to mention that women are scientifically predisposed to equating sex and love.
Yep….as modern as we try to be, as soon as we open our legs up wide…..we open our heart just as wide. Is *friendship* worth your broken heart? We have each other for emotional support and love. We get that from our families too. We don’t need a man to fix stuff either….we have sons, nephews, brothers and fathers who would rather take care of those issues than have us put our bodies and souls up for payment. We make our own money now. We don’t need to have a man to financially support us unless we truly want to make a living out of being a call girl. Buy yourself a rabbit. Between that and your imagination you can do a fairly good simulation of what you are getting now…..if you can go fast enough that is. It’s there as often as you need it for as long as you need it. You don’t have to jump out of bed to feed it after you are done either.
Lower your standard of living to your level of income. There is no shame in it. You will never have to give up your intellect, your body, or your piece of mind to pay the bills that way. I promise, it’s a much higher standard of living.
No….none of this replaces real love….but Friends with Benefits is not real love. It’s not even friendship. Friends don’t use each other selfishly like that. Those methods will enable you to wait for one of the few decent men left and to enable you to go into that relationship free of any unwanted history with a so-called friend and with a less damaged heart and ego. Even if we never find that road to contentment, wouldn’t you rather be watching the horizon of hope than laying in the gutter with some selfish and self centered jerk? Make a 2-sided list: on one side list what you give and do for a man and on the other what you feel you have a right to expect back. Don’t be cheap with yourself. Demand the things that money can’t buy. Time, attention, a back rub, knowing each other’s friends and family, the permission to call no matter what time and not being sent to the answering machine, weekends, etc…. etc….
Don’t let the men stick you into a tiny corner of the life and tell you they are sharing it with you. Be smart! Pay attention! Value yourself! Corners are for secrets. Do not be any man’s secret. Demand a status and monogamy. Know your own value. We women are trained to give and give and give until we have nothing left. Stop it!!! No man is more important or valuable than a woman based solely upon gender. Don’t accept less than what you give. YOU are WORTH it! If he can’t see that….just remember that *One man’s trash is another man’s treasure*.
Which man do you want to be with?
Monday
Armor
Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.
I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.
I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.
I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.
I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line. You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage. Too much truth can be overwhelming. We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.
Its armor. We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you." If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.
I don't want to generalize men,
I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.
I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?
I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.
I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.
I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....
Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.
Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.
It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.
I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.
I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.
I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.
I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line. You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage. Too much truth can be overwhelming. We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.
Its armor. We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you." If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.
I don't want to generalize men,
I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.
I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?
I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.
I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.
I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....
Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.
Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.
It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.
I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.
Exactly what I have to offer.
Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.
Sunday
Just a redneck in disguise
So I have been looking inside to try to figure out why I seem unable to find that certain someone. Sometimes I wonder if I already have and failed.
Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.
People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.
I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.
Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.
I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.
I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.
I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.
I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.
Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.
I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.
I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.
Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.
Maybe its more than that....
Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.
People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.
I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.
Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.
I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.
I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.
I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.
I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.
Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.
I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.
I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.
Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.
Maybe its more than that....
Thursday
Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Sandra J. Dykes
I'm still single.
Its been a long while since I've said those magic *I love you* words to a man. Probably longer still since I've meant them or even knew what they meant.
I've been reevaluating my life and wondering what I'm doing that keeps me in this state...some of my friends and family have been quick to point to all my "guidelines" and having my mind set on a certain course of events.
They are probably right when they say I must bend. I'm trying.
Its uncomfortable loosening those parts of my heart that I've been holding onto so tightly. Maybe I'm just afraid of more pain...
The real question, I guess, is:
Its been a long while since I've said those magic *I love you* words to a man. Probably longer still since I've meant them or even knew what they meant.
I've been reevaluating my life and wondering what I'm doing that keeps me in this state...some of my friends and family have been quick to point to all my "guidelines" and having my mind set on a certain course of events.
They are probably right when they say I must bend. I'm trying.
Its uncomfortable loosening those parts of my heart that I've been holding onto so tightly. Maybe I'm just afraid of more pain...
The real question, I guess, is:
Am I more afraid of spending my life alone or of finding someone to spend it with?
Sunday
Being Single.
I'm lonely. I admit it.
It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.
All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.
They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.
Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.
I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.
I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.
The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.
C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.
My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?
I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.
Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.
It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.
All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.
They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.
Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.
I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.
I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.
I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.
The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.
C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.
My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?
I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.
Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.
I'm getting comfortable being single.
I wish I weren't.
Cavemen Games
Someone said to me today that women always bring out the potty mouth when they get horny.
Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.
I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.
I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.
I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.
If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.
Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.
I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.
If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...
If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....
Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.
I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.
I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.
I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.
If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.
Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.
I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.
If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...
If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....
Tuesday
Sometimes it just doesn't work out when it should
I did go out with Tall & handsome again. The second date was just as delightful as the first. Perfect. We are perfect companions. We agreed to a tenative 3rd date and I was supposed to contact him or he me...
We both froze.
I'm kind of glad he did because I didn't want to reject him.
He is perfect. He should be my perfect match and I his. It was too perfect.
I would have suggested friendship but he's not looking for friends. I'm sure he has plenty as do I (but of course I'm kind of greedy in the friend department).
So about 3 or 4 days after I was trying to force myself to call him. I was already coming down with the cold I am now suffering from and I realized we both deserved more and I didn't call. I can almost see the poor guy going through the same thing and being worried over whether or not I would be hurt and then shrugging it off just like I did.
That's not going to happen to us. We are both confident and realistic. That was a week ago.
I hope to run into him again someday. I hope he is with a beautiful and sometimes annoying woman who can rub him wrong and then rub him right again.
Too much agreement is not a good thing....we were perfect for each other though... How boring is that? Perfect does not equate with passion. You need a spark for passion. A rub to light the fire. Wind to fan the flames. Fuel for desire.
We both froze.
I'm kind of glad he did because I didn't want to reject him.
He is perfect. He should be my perfect match and I his. It was too perfect.
I would have suggested friendship but he's not looking for friends. I'm sure he has plenty as do I (but of course I'm kind of greedy in the friend department).
So about 3 or 4 days after I was trying to force myself to call him. I was already coming down with the cold I am now suffering from and I realized we both deserved more and I didn't call. I can almost see the poor guy going through the same thing and being worried over whether or not I would be hurt and then shrugging it off just like I did.
That's not going to happen to us. We are both confident and realistic. That was a week ago.
I hope to run into him again someday. I hope he is with a beautiful and sometimes annoying woman who can rub him wrong and then rub him right again.
Too much agreement is not a good thing....we were perfect for each other though... How boring is that? Perfect does not equate with passion. You need a spark for passion. A rub to light the fire. Wind to fan the flames. Fuel for desire.
I don't want Mr. Right.
I'm still looking for Mr. Notquite Rightinthehead.
A Perfect First Date
Ok...this one is written for the guys who have emailed me and said things like "I have no idea what you women want" or "Its a different world baby..." etc....
I had a perfect first date tonight. It lasted approximately 2 1/2 hours. Enough time to show me his basic humanity, a glimmer of his sense of humor and develop a curiosity in me to learn more about him.
We met at a restaurant ON TIME. I can not emphasise enough that it was ON TIME. He was not there early scoping the women who entered out in case I wasn't up to what he thought I should be nor was he late, making sure that I was there first in a game of *lets see who is most important*.
He was perfectly charming at the door and met me with a smile and a hug. He did not try to feel me up.
He opened the doors and then allowed me to pass him and to choose where we sat. Good manners. He didn't muddle very long over the menu and allowed me to order for myself (it would also have been acceptable if he took my order and relayed it for me).
He wasn't worried about perfect table manners but he also was not a pig. He offered me a taste of his dinner and I politely declined, but it was nice to be offered. I offered him some of mine too. I should have offered sooner because he was full by then. Its been a while since I've been on a real date. I have to brush up on my niceties.
After dinner we went for a drive. He was very entertaining and talkative along the way. I did not have to handle the conversation by myself. He kept his flirtations lightweight and only danced on the edge of attraction, while still making it clear that he was attracted to me.
I definitely felt very sexy with his eyes all over me but it wasn't like he was leering y'know. Since I am still trying to lose a few pounds I put on after my last crisis....it felt really good.
He then asked me out on another date to watch a movie. I liked that he knew what he wanted to do instead of expecting me to plan it for him. We chose a movie to see together. I liked that too. I chose 3 and he picked from them. I was happy too because his choice was my first choice (Sandra Bullock in All About Steve). Then he drove me back to my car.
We talked for a few minutes and I determined he could pick me up for our date. We exchanged business cards so I could give him directions. Then he actually asked if it was ok to kiss me. I was hoping he would and told him so. I can't tell you how refreshing this was. There was no ackward positioning because you didn't see it coming or any embarrassment over waiting for something that never did. It was a really good first kiss. Romantic and sweet with a hint of a passionate nature. He didn't try to strangle me with his tongue....but he made sure he knew what my lips tasted like. I liked it alot.
After I left his car and returned to mine, he made sure I was ok with him leaving. Chilvary really isn't dead. I smiled the whole drive home. Hopeful and pleased. He also did not call me while I was driving. I like that too because it is very dangerous, most guys don't even take that into consideration. Again with the chilvary.
I feel good about the whole experience and can't wait to go out with him again.
That is how to do a first date right. Be a gentleman, but be strong. Have your own ideas and voice. Show us who you really are, but be interested in us too. A peek into your soul and a cuddle later.
Leave us wanting. Half the fun of romance is the anticipation.
I don't know how much the date cost him, some gas and Logans (which is a great first date place) for dinner. It made him appear like a million bucks to me though.
It was real and geared specifically for us to get to know each other not to *do* each other. You can feel free to use this as a plan if you want. I don't think he'd mind.
Trust me....it impresses the girls.
I had a perfect first date tonight. It lasted approximately 2 1/2 hours. Enough time to show me his basic humanity, a glimmer of his sense of humor and develop a curiosity in me to learn more about him.
We met at a restaurant ON TIME. I can not emphasise enough that it was ON TIME. He was not there early scoping the women who entered out in case I wasn't up to what he thought I should be nor was he late, making sure that I was there first in a game of *lets see who is most important*.
He was perfectly charming at the door and met me with a smile and a hug. He did not try to feel me up.
He opened the doors and then allowed me to pass him and to choose where we sat. Good manners. He didn't muddle very long over the menu and allowed me to order for myself (it would also have been acceptable if he took my order and relayed it for me).
He wasn't worried about perfect table manners but he also was not a pig. He offered me a taste of his dinner and I politely declined, but it was nice to be offered. I offered him some of mine too. I should have offered sooner because he was full by then. Its been a while since I've been on a real date. I have to brush up on my niceties.
After dinner we went for a drive. He was very entertaining and talkative along the way. I did not have to handle the conversation by myself. He kept his flirtations lightweight and only danced on the edge of attraction, while still making it clear that he was attracted to me.
I definitely felt very sexy with his eyes all over me but it wasn't like he was leering y'know. Since I am still trying to lose a few pounds I put on after my last crisis....it felt really good.
He then asked me out on another date to watch a movie. I liked that he knew what he wanted to do instead of expecting me to plan it for him. We chose a movie to see together. I liked that too. I chose 3 and he picked from them. I was happy too because his choice was my first choice (Sandra Bullock in All About Steve). Then he drove me back to my car.
We talked for a few minutes and I determined he could pick me up for our date. We exchanged business cards so I could give him directions. Then he actually asked if it was ok to kiss me. I was hoping he would and told him so. I can't tell you how refreshing this was. There was no ackward positioning because you didn't see it coming or any embarrassment over waiting for something that never did. It was a really good first kiss. Romantic and sweet with a hint of a passionate nature. He didn't try to strangle me with his tongue....but he made sure he knew what my lips tasted like. I liked it alot.
After I left his car and returned to mine, he made sure I was ok with him leaving. Chilvary really isn't dead. I smiled the whole drive home. Hopeful and pleased. He also did not call me while I was driving. I like that too because it is very dangerous, most guys don't even take that into consideration. Again with the chilvary.
I feel good about the whole experience and can't wait to go out with him again.
That is how to do a first date right. Be a gentleman, but be strong. Have your own ideas and voice. Show us who you really are, but be interested in us too. A peek into your soul and a cuddle later.
Leave us wanting. Half the fun of romance is the anticipation.
I don't know how much the date cost him, some gas and Logans (which is a great first date place) for dinner. It made him appear like a million bucks to me though.
It was real and geared specifically for us to get to know each other not to *do* each other. You can feel free to use this as a plan if you want. I don't think he'd mind.
Trust me....it impresses the girls.
Wednesday
The Dating Game
Well the dating games seem to be kind of stagnant.
I've had a few more of my coffee/drink dates since I last wrote. The men are getting better, I'm not saying that just because I'm dying to get physical again either. Two dates were *set ups* and one was from the internet, I never met any of them before. All of them were gentlemen and perfect companions, but while I would hope to keep them for friends if they have time and I have time....I can't see anything deeper springing from those meetings.
I did meet one guy for soda who seems interesting but shy. I wonder if he might be a better date after we know each other for a while. Not likely though. I'm surprised he had the courage to ask if I would meet him.
I also *hung out* with an old friend who wishes for more. I still don't feel *that* way about him, we're still friends though.
The only so-called *date* I was hyped about didn't happen. The guy spoke with me on the phone one time, indicated that he would like to go out with me, then never called again. I texted him my regular email....maybe he just didn't really like the person he called. Bummer. I liked him. Guess it works both ways sometimes. I thought about calling him and finding out why but I suspect he would think I am some crazed stalker rather than simply curious.
These early meetings are more like job interviews than dates anyway. Its so stressful. I usually try to keep it casual at first (probably a contributing factor to the non-caller since I didn't jump on his dinner date at a fairly upscale restaurant). I think that is the best way to meet someone....you get a little closer to the real person in a relaxed setting without a lot of focus on perfect manners and the eventual cost.
Even then it feels more like a mutual interview. *What do you do for fun?* Hobbies? What do you like? What do you do for a living? (have to be real careful with that one or you sound like you are a gold digger) Do you like your work? How many siblings...kids....exes? Seriously, sometimes I think we both should be taking notes! Sometimes they ask about sexual practice these days too.
There has to be a better way to meet single men! I can't do the bar fly thing either. Despite the recent urban legends....I don't have any luck at the grocery store either. I like activities. If you suggest to a guy to grab a coffee and lets take a walk along the East Race though....well crazy isn't the least of the descriptors they are thinking. I always mention I like the College Football Hall of Fame and the Studebaker Museum. I like any museum really....but at a first meeting? It just doesn't happen.
I think it would be less stressful, easier and more honest if people did something other than sit ramrod straight and try to keep a conversation going on with a perfect stranger for 2 hours over a soda, beer or coffee. I hate to think about spending my life alone but sometimes I do.
Dating was a lot more fun when I was a teenager.
I've had a few more of my coffee/drink dates since I last wrote. The men are getting better, I'm not saying that just because I'm dying to get physical again either. Two dates were *set ups* and one was from the internet, I never met any of them before. All of them were gentlemen and perfect companions, but while I would hope to keep them for friends if they have time and I have time....I can't see anything deeper springing from those meetings.
I did meet one guy for soda who seems interesting but shy. I wonder if he might be a better date after we know each other for a while. Not likely though. I'm surprised he had the courage to ask if I would meet him.
I also *hung out* with an old friend who wishes for more. I still don't feel *that* way about him, we're still friends though.
The only so-called *date* I was hyped about didn't happen. The guy spoke with me on the phone one time, indicated that he would like to go out with me, then never called again. I texted him my regular email....maybe he just didn't really like the person he called. Bummer. I liked him. Guess it works both ways sometimes. I thought about calling him and finding out why but I suspect he would think I am some crazed stalker rather than simply curious.
These early meetings are more like job interviews than dates anyway. Its so stressful. I usually try to keep it casual at first (probably a contributing factor to the non-caller since I didn't jump on his dinner date at a fairly upscale restaurant). I think that is the best way to meet someone....you get a little closer to the real person in a relaxed setting without a lot of focus on perfect manners and the eventual cost.
Even then it feels more like a mutual interview. *What do you do for fun?* Hobbies? What do you like? What do you do for a living? (have to be real careful with that one or you sound like you are a gold digger) Do you like your work? How many siblings...kids....exes? Seriously, sometimes I think we both should be taking notes! Sometimes they ask about sexual practice these days too.
There has to be a better way to meet single men! I can't do the bar fly thing either. Despite the recent urban legends....I don't have any luck at the grocery store either. I like activities. If you suggest to a guy to grab a coffee and lets take a walk along the East Race though....well crazy isn't the least of the descriptors they are thinking. I always mention I like the College Football Hall of Fame and the Studebaker Museum. I like any museum really....but at a first meeting? It just doesn't happen.
I think it would be less stressful, easier and more honest if people did something other than sit ramrod straight and try to keep a conversation going on with a perfect stranger for 2 hours over a soda, beer or coffee. I hate to think about spending my life alone but sometimes I do.
Dating was a lot more fun when I was a teenager.
Friday
Hope Springs Eternal
I started dating again. Not *real* dating. But I've gone on two lunch dates and met a guy for coffee. 3 different men in the last few weeks.
I actually caught myself looking at the last guy's watch as I sipped my cappuccinno.
I seriously want to find real lasting love but I hate the whole looking for it bit. Each one of those guys is and will remain a first date only.
The first one didn't ask me one personal question, nor answer any of mine directly. He just kept going on and on about his work situation and what an idiot his boss was.
The second date was with a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who wanted to talk about all the bizarre sexual things he had seen on the internet whilst acting like he was embarrassed by such things. I suspect the truth was he was gauging my reaction. My reaction was basically a blank stare as if it was all perfectly normal.
Mr. Double Latte bored me by trying to prove his masculinity to me by all the road rage incidents and fights he had gotten into. Bad boy from Brooklyn. yeah right. He was barely bigger than me and not a callous on his hands. He used to be rich he says but the women pretty much used up his money. (Like I care) To say the least....I remained unimpressed.
During this time another guy tried to impress me by saying he was a cop. Turned out the truth was he was a former security guard and was now trying to get disability because the bump he got on his head during an arrest had somehow given him brain damage but he can manuever a blackberry like no one's business. BTW he lives with his mother. Needless to say the more I got to know the less I wanted to know and I politely declined his request for a date.
I would kill for a construction guy with a conscience at this point. How about a factory worker? I'd date a real cop or even a business man or engineer/scientist type if their ego wasn't too big. Are there any single farmers out there? Where oh where is average (and almost normal) Joe?
How do I meet all these other weirdos?
I keep hoping.... I keep trying.... I just hate all the dating.
I actually caught myself looking at the last guy's watch as I sipped my cappuccinno.
I seriously want to find real lasting love but I hate the whole looking for it bit. Each one of those guys is and will remain a first date only.
The first one didn't ask me one personal question, nor answer any of mine directly. He just kept going on and on about his work situation and what an idiot his boss was.
The second date was with a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who wanted to talk about all the bizarre sexual things he had seen on the internet whilst acting like he was embarrassed by such things. I suspect the truth was he was gauging my reaction. My reaction was basically a blank stare as if it was all perfectly normal.
Mr. Double Latte bored me by trying to prove his masculinity to me by all the road rage incidents and fights he had gotten into. Bad boy from Brooklyn. yeah right. He was barely bigger than me and not a callous on his hands. He used to be rich he says but the women pretty much used up his money. (Like I care) To say the least....I remained unimpressed.
During this time another guy tried to impress me by saying he was a cop. Turned out the truth was he was a former security guard and was now trying to get disability because the bump he got on his head during an arrest had somehow given him brain damage but he can manuever a blackberry like no one's business. BTW he lives with his mother. Needless to say the more I got to know the less I wanted to know and I politely declined his request for a date.
I would kill for a construction guy with a conscience at this point. How about a factory worker? I'd date a real cop or even a business man or engineer/scientist type if their ego wasn't too big. Are there any single farmers out there? Where oh where is average (and almost normal) Joe?
How do I meet all these other weirdos?
I keep hoping.... I keep trying.... I just hate all the dating.
I am exceptional....but not the exception
I am exceptional. At least I was. I should be still. I could be still. I am exceptional but not the exception.
It happens a lot with a lot of people who break up after long term relationships and marriages, we forget who we could be without the anger and pain.
We all compensate a little differently. . I started looking for why a relationship wouldn't work instead of looking at what was right about them. Then I would analyse why it was really my fault and think of ways to hide my shame, including shifting the blame. I began to believe that fairy tales were for children and that I didn’t need anyone.
Publicly I blamed them, internally I blamed me. Truthfully there is enough blame for everyone. What made me ever think so high of myself...that I should be the perfect one? I am exceptional, truly we all are.....but even I don't believe it most of the time.
My dating problems are not even about “He’s just NOT that into you” . The kind of man I want isn’t *into me* because I haven’t been living out who I am…. I write in her voice sometimes and visit her life occasionally….but I sure haven’t been living that life recently. I remember who I am but I’ve forgotten how to be her.
That’s not true either….I’ve become too bored and lazy to be her. Sometimes, when success comes too easy, people become complacent.
That’s what I did. To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, I wasted my *pretty*.
I let other people take over my life, I tried to make them happy instead of doing what I needed to do for my kids and myself.
Where is this all coming from? Didn’t I seem fine the last time I wrote something here? Not to worry, I was and am.
Its just I have had an epiphany.
This week I have read “He’s just NOT that into you no less than 6 times”. I have watched the movie 4 times over the last 2 days.I’ve realized the truth.
I am exceptional. I am not the exception though. I don’t even want to be. I am the rule.
Clarity. The word of the year. This is what it means.
It means that I have to focus on me in order to be a better mother….daughter…..sister……friend….even employee.
It means that I will not allow the mere remote possibility of romance or even friendship to color my days or affect the way I live them. When I love myself, the way I deserve, I will be better able to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved.
It is impossible to give away what you don’t already have.
The truth about my love life is that it isn’t just that he (take your pick which he) was not that into me…its been that I was NOT that into me.
This doesn’t mean that I am going to be all self centered and me me me….. It means I realize that is what I have been doing. Wallowing in my misery. Comfortable in it. Too stubborn to be who I once was…..who I should be. Its so much easier to pretend everything is some guy’s fault instead of looking at where I am screwing up. Its so much easier to pretend I am satisfied with life as it is than to do the actual work it takes to change it back to what I want it to be.
I was too embarrassed to ask for help or support before. Need was just another word for failure. I lied when I say I don’t need anyone. I can’t make things work on my own.
I am not superhuman after all.....
I'm never going to be even close to perfect.....
I’m not the exception…. I am the rule.
Clarity. Epiphany. Oh I like those words.
Its time I stop living up and living down to other’s expectations of me. Its time I live up to my own.
Saturday
age old question.
Why are men so afraid of intimacy? I don't want a man who avoids serious issues or is afraid to feel real emotion. I may not want a cry baby but I damn well want a reaction. I think most women have the same complaint. I'm sooooo sick of little boys.
FU VALENTINE!!!!
Ahhhhhh the love....the romance of it all....
To all of you lucky in love I wish you many glorious Valentine Days to come.
To all of you not-so-lucky ones, like me, I offer you a bit of solace to make your Valentine's Day the best it has ever been....
Single Again
With everything going on, I didn't mention that I actually did break up with the BF a while back. I should feel worse which only tells me I did the right thing.
I had been trying to make things work but I think it was more because I thought I should want what he wanted and that I thought I should try to stay in a relationship. Everybody else does. Then with everything that was going on, all I could think of is that this is not my life. I remembered my first rule of romance. *You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stop*.
I learned that I can work and I can compromise though, but I can't change the truth about who I am. That's where I keep messing up. I keep trying to be the woman they want me to be, or rather I keep trying to hide the part of me they don't want. Its not that my standards have been too high, rather the opposite. I've been in a hurry, never asking myself why.
Maybe, for a time I really believed I couldn't make it on my own. I think I'm wrong. I may not be doing the middle class diva thing, but I am doing ok. I think I will continue doing ok with or without a man in my life. I'm stronger and more capable than I realized.
I'm moving *having a successful romantic relationship* way down on my priority list now. I still want it, but I realize I don't need it to be happy.
Trying to convince the former BF that I mean it is another thing entirely. The break-up is not working well for him. But I don't think its me he wants at all. He just wants somebody. I'm deluged with the text messages and the sad faces at work. I am sorry that he is hurting. He'd be relieved if he would just listen to what I actually said and look for the truth. No one should have to change the essence of who they are for a relationship to work and basically that is what I was asking him to do. Desperation is a painful thing.
I had been trying to make things work but I think it was more because I thought I should want what he wanted and that I thought I should try to stay in a relationship. Everybody else does. Then with everything that was going on, all I could think of is that this is not my life. I remembered my first rule of romance. *You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stop*.
I learned that I can work and I can compromise though, but I can't change the truth about who I am. That's where I keep messing up. I keep trying to be the woman they want me to be, or rather I keep trying to hide the part of me they don't want. Its not that my standards have been too high, rather the opposite. I've been in a hurry, never asking myself why.
Maybe, for a time I really believed I couldn't make it on my own. I think I'm wrong. I may not be doing the middle class diva thing, but I am doing ok. I think I will continue doing ok with or without a man in my life. I'm stronger and more capable than I realized.
I'm moving *having a successful romantic relationship* way down on my priority list now. I still want it, but I realize I don't need it to be happy.
Trying to convince the former BF that I mean it is another thing entirely. The break-up is not working well for him. But I don't think its me he wants at all. He just wants somebody. I'm deluged with the text messages and the sad faces at work. I am sorry that he is hurting. He'd be relieved if he would just listen to what I actually said and look for the truth. No one should have to change the essence of who they are for a relationship to work and basically that is what I was asking him to do. Desperation is a painful thing.
Thursday
Not as good at this as I thought
I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it.
It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth.
It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.
Words are all I can relate to, all I understand.
I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.
There ought to be more.
I read this today.
I also read a letter from him. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier.
There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me.
Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made.
Do you suppose I am his ego feed?
Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better.
It doesn't work.
I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions.
It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head.
Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional.
I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.
I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway.
Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.
It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth.
It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.
My steel spine feels as soft as jello.
My heart isn't hard, it is broken.
Words are all I can relate to, all I understand.
I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.
There ought to be more.
I read this today.
Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman
I also read a letter from him. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier.
There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me.
Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made.
Do you suppose I am his ego feed?
Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better.
It doesn't work.
I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions.
It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head.
Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional.
I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.
I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway.
Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.
More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.
I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.
Somehow he'd make everything all right again.
I miss my Grandpa.
Tuesday
My Inner Child
My inner child as painted by Norman Rockwell:
Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!
I think it suits me right now too.
I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.
I played rock music all day!
Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.
Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!
I think it suits me right now too.
I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.
I played rock music all day!
Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.
Monday
Crying doesn't make it better.
What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?
I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.
All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.
Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.
I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.
I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.
Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.
Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.
I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.
It hurts to remember.
I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.
All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.
He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.
I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.
I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.
At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.
I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.
Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.
I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.
I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.
I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.
All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.
A person could cease to exist in my own little world.
Events could be completely erased in my head.
Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.
I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.
I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.
Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.
Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.
I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.
I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.
It hurts to remember.
I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.
I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.
I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.
I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.
All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.
He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.
I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.
I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.
I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.
At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.
I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.
Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.
I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.
I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.
Saturday
A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown
I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.
I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.
Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.
I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.
He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.
What man would pass up a treasure?
I was a time filler.
That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.
One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.
He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.
He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.
He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.
In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.
I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.
The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí
Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.
The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake
I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.
He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.
What man would pass up a treasure?
I was a time filler.
That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.
Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"
One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.
I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus
He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.
He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.
He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.
Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman
I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman
In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.
The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum
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