I love October. Its my favorite month. I love the frequent storms and the way the air changes in temperature and intensity. I like the sound that the birds make as they say good bye until next Spring. The colors amaze me. Yes...the trees fascinate me but so do the red streaks at sunset and the beiges and browns and oranges when the moon is heavy and full. The night sky sparkles and its navy blue instead of black...even daytime clouds have a different intensity..the whites become opaque and the greys become silver. I love to watch the leaves as they flutter and hover in the air before falling to the ground..and the feel of the frozen grass in the morning. October calls to me and whispers to me to write and write and write.
And so I do....
This afternoon I start my training in something that may well change my life again. I can see possibilities before I even start. This will be time well spent. I'm excited to be learning again. I am so grateful that I am infinitely curious and that I didn't lose that as I aged like so many people do.
Last month at this time my instincts were firing and dreams haunted me because I could feel my life turning. I get these when the moon is full and when the moon is gone it begins and the circle completes with the next full moon. Maybe its coincidence...I don't dispute those who dispute. I just know that in my life, I am that way... Even my children were born during the moon. I did not actually fear those dreams or visions.... but for one who is like me changes bring trepidation and uncertainty. It seems my whole life I have only longed for roots and solid ground and have yet to experience it. I can't complain because change equals growth and I learn so much from these uprootings....still I envy those who have lived in the same home, worked for the same company and loved the same person for years and years and years... They are the lucky ones I think. One day I hope to be like that. One day I hope that life becomes utterly boring and I am able to take comfort in another old face.
My stability comes from my faith and from my family. I am a lucky one. Blessed to have both.
I am worried about the friend I spoke of in earlier posts. Its difficult for both of us right now and we have this White Elephant between us that we are not addressing. He's become distant in his guilt and I cannot soothe him. I feel no guilt, but perhaps I should. I live for truth. I speak it when its hard. So does he. The problem comes when truth collides with the best interests of each other. A true friendship is as rickety a building as a marriage. It must be constantly stabilized and rebuild lest it fall down in a mountain of rusty nails and rotted boards. I won't let him disappear from me, though he tries to fade away. He is my friend and we made a few bad choices but those did not include the option of losing a friend. I will need him again one day just as he needs me now...whether or not he admits it. If we are lucky we are given a handful of people not born to us that we can trust absolutely. I'm not giving up on even one of those people. Those people are worth my efforts.
I miss my older children. My daughter stays in frequent contact and makes sure that my lovely granddaughter does not forget me...but its not the same. I miss knowing that I could just stop by, and that if I asked her to come for the holidays she could. She is doing right though, she is putting her family needs first in her life, even when she misses her Mama. My eldest son is a different matter, he's ever the hermit and keeps weird hours. We were so close when he was a child that I think it made a rift when he became an adult. So I watch him from a distance and welcome him when he calls...and he does but I long for more. My youngest is finally what I would call a young adult. He stayed on that precipice between boy and man for so long I wondered if and when he would finally cross over...but he's doing it now. Its going to kill me to let go of him. He needed me the most and now he needs me less and less each day. I should feel better about my kids being adults. I did my job in horrible situations and somehow managed to get it done...but I don't. I miss the babies I had.
The plus side to them growing up is that I've finally been able to start concentrating on all those dreams I had before I became a mother. I'm finally going to write that book. Maybe I will write a couple. I'm not going to wait until I have "time" because the time is now. I don't know if I will be published and honestly, its ok if I'm not. If I can't sell it/them then I will give it/them away. My words will once again become my children.... but I think I was right to put it all on hold because I will never get the satisfaction from writing, though it is my first love, that I got from Motherhood. When I do pass from this world I know I left a living legacy in them.
My work is good.