Looking from the outside in...

So I wrote my previous post on Monday...a little over a week ago.  The next day I was laid off again.  Following days found life ever changing.  Always something or someone keeping me busy.

I'm dealing pretty well with the lay-off.  I'm sure that I will be qualified for unemployment benefits again, worked only weeks shy of a year and I had not completely exhausted my benefits when I started. I've applied but its too soon to know.  I still have my vacation (2weeks) pay coming this week with a little extra in commissions.  I also have a prospect for picking up some side work I will be checking with tomorrow.  My skills have only increased so I refuse to worry.

People though,...oh my they touch my heart and break it sometimes.  So much sadness out there.  So little hope and people clinging to politics and religion as though those things will save them.  We have to save ourselves. We have to find our own power.  We need to reach out to each other in love and offer hope to feed on.  Desolation is like a cancer spreading through the people I love.  I pray but I try to remind them that God has bigger issues and that we were born with all the necessary skills to keep a grip on our life.  FEAR NOT.  The most oft repeated warning in the Bible...and the biggest sin of us all.  Fear destroys us from the inside out.  We must find courage.. Courage to be who we are, to stand up for what we believe, to go out and fight for life and quality of life every single day.  Its our cowardice that kills us... The only thing that happens when we are hiding or cowering is that the shadows grow darker.

I almost became intimately involved with a friend...Yeah that is news and me with my FWB rule but in the end I knew I was right to have that rule and kept it.  It wasn't easy but it was best, for the friendship, for the friend and for me.

I guess I really want it all and I want it to be guiltless, and natural and real.  Truth is I want a man just like my friend It would have been easy to break all the FWB rules and fall for him....try to make him fall for me......and that is what makes him so tempting.   Truth also is I would have stopped looking and hoping and probably just settled for less than I wanted.  It would have been uneven love.  It would have become resentment and hatred for both of us.  One person can not be in a relationship alone....it just leaves you wanting.  That, my friends, is always the worst thing.  Wanting only increases hunger.  Get hungry enough and you will swallow anything.

I'm starving for real love though.  I have to be so very careful.  One true gut wrenching heartbreak nearly took me out...another would surely succeed.  It seems the more I want it the more I want from it as well.  Its so easy to build an illusion to feed a delusion.  I have to be cautious.  My passion is too strong when I love.  I don't know how to regulate it.

I'm lucky. I have some very honest friends who keep me grounded.  I thought of keeping secrets from them before.  I kept a lot of the FWB thing quiet, only revealing enough details to warn my friends I was walking a rocky path.  I think I wanted to screw up.  I didn't want to be stopped.  Maybe I was testing them.  Seeing if they were paying attention...to see if it mattered to them if I made my life into a train wreck.  It worries me to think I would do that.  Its addictive behavior.  Just like when an alcoholic hides liquor or a Drug Addict turns to prescribed drugs.  Secrets are ugly festering things.  I need transparency in my life.  I don't want to have secrets or be a secret.  I don't want to make myself into a secret.  Secrets are never good and almost always bad.

So I guess I have learned this week that it isn't the demons on the outside of me that can harm me... Its the demons on the inside....

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