taking it slow.....

Its Atumn again. 

My parents just clebrated thier 50th wedding anniversary. I'm so happy for them but it sucks, it really does, to know that I will never have one of those. I feel cheated but nothing to do about it now. Too late wise and too soon old as the saying goes...

 Makes me long for romance....but not enough to take the imitiations being offered ...

Whatever happened to dating?  Finding a person you really liked and seeing where it went without constantly searching or hoping for someone better?  What is up with men expecting me to sleep with them without any assurance that they won't be sleeping with others? Seriously.

When I was young we called it "going together" it wasn't nearly as temporary or as shallow as today's "hooking up" or "FWB".  When a woman and a man liked each other they would date.  Dating consisted of making out or even light petting but the heavier stuff and sex (if it happened) was reserved for your boyfriend or girlfriend after a reasonable amount of time and the status actually had to be asked and answered. I remember fondly one young man who's voice actually squeaked when he asked me to be his girlfriend...    How sweet it was to make him happy with my simple yes...

Yeah we had boyfriends and girlfriends instead of "FuckBuddies".  It was an exclusive situation. It wasn't an engagement or other promise to go beyond that point but it was an indication that the person took you seriously enough to think you mattered and that they were willing to ponder the possibility of  "What if this works" while not spending his/her  time looking for someone they thought would be more exciting.  Hearts were involved and all the emotions and demands that go with them.  People tried really hard to learn who their partner was. It felt so good to know that someone really cared enough to make even that small commitment.

When I first divorced at 30, I went into serious culture shock.  I think I still am.  I don't like what men and women call relationships anymore... I guess that's no secret.

When men find out that I won't participate in a FWB thing they freak out.  It immediately occurs to them that I want a ring and a promise of forever.  Its funny to people who know me personally.  I'm kinda known to be quite the heartbreaker and have had more than my share of stalkers and men who just can't seem to take "goodbye" as my final answer. 

All I really want to do is go back to a slower pace.  I want to actually dedicate my time and attention to one man and know its being returned so we can see who they really are and ponder what is actually going to happen between us. I don't want to have to worry about the disease he is giving to me because he was out doing the FWB thing with 25 year olds who are doing it to someone doing the same thing. I don't want to constantly be sizing up my competition. I want to be respected for who I am and not just those amazing things I am happy to participate in.  I want trust instead jealousy both for me and for him. I don't want to be suspicious because of secrets or being a secret.  It does not make me feel special because I am not a fool.

I don't want to rush things....I want to date...maybe date more than one person at a time in the beginning....I want to flirt....I want to woo....I want my friends to remark about how i glow when he calls and I want his friends to snicker when I call.  I want to be valued enough that a date doesn't equal a lay and I want to be asked to become exclusive because he can't bear the thought of another man taking away his chance at this beautiful possibility that is growing between us.  If i agree....then I want his hands to be shaking as much as mine when he claims my body, because he has waited and wanted me as much as I have hoped for and wanted him.

That's romance....that's the kind of romance that could make me love again....

I want to make love and not just have sex.  I want a boyfriend....not a FuckBuddy...  If that was all I wanted my dance card could be full up in an hour and I'd be the biggest slut in town.  I want someone special....because I am.

I want to take it slow...but I want to take it....