Strong Enough? (repost)
Most of the guys I talk with will never get past the talk stage with me. They all hope they will. Most of them believe they will be able to sweep past my defenses with their charm, arrogance or wit. I do so love the daring-do types. I’m not stupid though. I want to see inside their heads before my body gets too involved. My body isn’t where my brains are. I want to make sure that they are consistent in what they say. I want to make sure that I can agree with the basic beliefs and tenets they hold. I want to make sure they are *strong enough* to be my man. I'm just not that easy to love..... I wish I were less complicated....I’ve been blogging for years... I thought blasting things out to the world would somehow make me better for a time....not sure whether it did or didn't. I'd like to think that catharsis is good though. I’ve deleted more than I have left now. I'm too passionate. I know that. What I don't know is how to fix it. I love too much....need love too much. I'm demanding in a lot of ways....but I think I give it back. I want to. I try to. My history is so convoluted. I can't change that. Some things taint you in unexpected ways. You think you are ok and then you realize that nooooooo normal is not like you. You wake up and aren't sure where the dreams and nightmares actually end. You confuse pleasure with pain and you confuse lust with love. Sometimes you can't tell the truth from lies. You went to sleep thinking that all was right in the World and you wake up wondering if today is the day the World will end. You question God. You second guess *the plan*. You wonder what the point is in being good....but you can't bring yourself to risk letting go of your Grandpa’s wisdom....no one else ever loved you that much..... You always wonder....question....ask *What if*. Sleep eludes you. And sometimes you wake up screaming. I need to find someone who is similarly tainted I think....someone who is like me....or maybe what I need is to find someone who hasn't been damaged at all.... I hide myself and then I show all of myself at once...just before I put on a mask. Sometimes I'm really ugly. Not easy to love.....but I need it so much..... How am I ever going to find a man who can put up with me?