Greetings Autumn

I watched the morning arrive today. It was cloudy and gray at first and then the sun rose high in the sky like a promise of a better life to come. The sky was painted a brilliant blue with soft white clouds here and there. It is definitely a harbinger of Autumn….

In the distance I could see a few scattered leaves on the trees turning brighter colors and even a few dried golden leaves blowing past my feet. I could feel the chill on my skin and my nose felt the effects of the cooler air and new fall blooms. I wondered exactly what it was about Fall that calms me so…. My allergies act up every year and I dread Winter as well, but something about this time makes me want to go out and smile into the World.

I want to walk on soft earth and rake up crunchy leaves. Despite the cold, I don’t want to bundle-up in a coat but prefer layers and sweaters with gloves and scarves without a hat…. I like boots, those hiking boots that lace up to the ankle and thick soles that are meant to give you support for long hikes through the woods.
I want to contemplate the meaning of life and love and hope. This weather makes me want to open up the lounge chair outside and drink my coffee while reading philosophy or the Bible out in the fresh air, maybe even some dime novel that will only make me wish for more out of life…

It clears my mind and opens my heart wide enough to let someone in. Sometimes, like today, I contemplate the few romances I thought would work. Wonder why they didn't and whether I could have acted differently.

I smile about those first simple childhood romances and wonder when exactly it became so difficult to be honest in love. Wishing I could be that girl again. For some people being single during Spring weddings, Summer beach parties or the Winter holidays are the worst…for me its this time of year… I wish I had someone to snuggle with next to a bonfire, someone to surprise me with a kiss in the frequent Autumn rain….someone to talk over life issues on long walks by the River as we watch the cooler waters swirl without boats and fewer people milling about. I miss having someone to dress up with on Halloween.

I miss love in Autumn more than any other time of year.

Just a redneck in disguise

So I have been looking inside to try to figure out why I seem unable to find that certain someone. Sometimes I wonder if I already have and failed.

Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.

People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.

I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.

Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.

I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.

I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.

I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.

I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.

Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.

I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.

I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.

Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.

Maybe its more than that....