Y'know that feeling when you knock on the door and no one is home?
You thought they would be.... Why wouldn't they be just hanging around waiting for you to call?
....But that life went on without you for good or ill.
That's kind of how I feel right now.
I've been planning this move for months. The place I was going to move into fell apart though. If I wanted to move into a nice place I should have done it 3 years ago. Inspection proved my error and I can't move there now. So now I have to find a new one. \
No biggie, but I had my heart set on that one. It was like an old friend. I knew I could have it anytime I wanted, that it was just there...waiting on me.
The apartments all around it contain real friends of mine. In this one though, interlopers came and tore it apart. Like a deserted friend who turns to drugs or drink in loneliness. Somewhere in there is the place I loved but it is surrounded in a mess that I want no part of.
I suppose I shouldn't give humanity to inanimate objects. I was just really hopeful about living there. Now I sit here with half of my stuff packed up. I don't have to leave but I want to.
I am going through all the motions of preparation. Packing. Planning. Spreading the word. I haven't made appointments to see other places yet though. Next week is soon enough. Maybe I've grown too comfortable in the ghetto. I don't know.
The ghetto is not a good place to raise my son, but in some ways I think it would make a better man out of him. Right now I am thinking it through. Part of the problem is this house. It is run down. It needs new carpet, serious repairs, painting and insulation.
If I had a man around I'd probably stay. The rent is cheap and the neighbors are getting somewhat better. There are thugs about but they are everywhere downtown....not much I can do about that. The *kid* and I both like living near down town.
I have an extra bedroom.... I could consider a room mate. I won't though. I'm not sure it would be a good idea for my youngest child. I don't want too many people influencing him. I'm particular about who I let really talk with him, it could contradict the morals and beliefs I am teaching him. I take my job as a parent seriously. A roommate would also interfere with my bigger dreams. I don't want to be encumbered by unnecessary responsibility if I ever find the man I can build a life with.
So its time to look again. I have no energy for it.
Like a spoiled little kid I want what I want.
The cosmos really seems to think I need change though.
I feel like stomping my feet.