Monday

Armor

Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.

I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.

I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.

I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.

I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line.        You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage.   Too much truth can be overwhelming.    We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.   

Its armor.  We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you."    If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.

 
I don't want to generalize men,

I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.

I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?

I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.

I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.

I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....

Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.

Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.

It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.

I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.

Exactly what I have to offer.

Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.

4 comments:

mrs. miss alaineus said...

tressa this is so true. you need to be published girl!

a beautiful reflection about the not so pretty side of love. it's hard work and it takes a lot of effort to be honest in the way that will make a relationship work. i'm sorry that someone wasnt worth the truth you gave them.

xxalainaxx

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Chelle said...

Tressa, just don't be so closed up you may miss the opportunity of a life time. I do believe in soul mates. I am a romantic at heart. Even if I come across as a tom boy bull dyke.. I'm not. LOL

You will run into the Man that belongs to you. It will happen. One who deserves you and is worthy of all you have to give and offer.

hugz

~ C

www.osubeaverbeliever.blogspot.com

Tressa Bailey said...

I don't think I'm closed up, I'm just tired. You wouldn't believe how much dating I've done just so that people think I'm normal and don't worry about me. its ALWAYS a hassle. The only thing I ever miss is sex and they have toys for that! LOL!

Friends, male and female, are a much kinder relationship than romance. Friends don't play head games or expect you to be assimulated. I still don't think I can do FWB, the benefits just aren't that great. Friends though...they give me life.

Its just not worth the effort involved romantically anymore..... I've got loads of love and a support system. I'm doing fine all by myself.

I might change my mind eventually... but right now I'm thinking I just need a break.