Intimacy

I'm realizing that I am alone because I play games.

I usually swear that isn't true, but it is. I consistently date men I know I will leave. I usually know this within 5 minutes. I think that is why I date them in the first place.

I want intimacy, but I fear it.

Love has often been a painful experience for me. I don't trust it.

Infatuation is kinder and easier to walk away from.

I need to stop with the games. Its not healthy. Its not fair.

Maybe a hiatus is in order.

Time to reevaluate.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.

It seems I do a lot of writing about romance, or the lack of it. I'm looking for it, hiding from it, mad about it, sad about it, curious. Always curious.

Everything else in life seems to work out for me. Not perfectly, but usually. Right now I am jobless but hold no real fear of it, I have a lot of confidence in my employability. I don't actually feel unloved either. I have a huge family that puts the fun in dysfunctional and an eclectic variety of friends both near and far that seem to laugh at all my jokes and wish nothing but the best for me. I live simply and am not particularly ambitious for more. I have my little luxeries and few hassles. I feel good about my *Mom-life* too. My kids are great and capable. I'm looking forward to being a grandparent. I don't like the cold Winter weather much...but the other 3 seasons here keep me from actually hating my home.

Romantic love has truly eluded me though. I keep looking for that passionate friendship my grandparents shared, the one my Mom and Stepfather have. My brother and 2 sisters found it, but another sister and I just keep looking.

This constant search and the inevitable dashed hopes leave me weary these days. Unlike my sister, I'm truly independent and feel no male is superior (or inferior) to me based upon gender alone. I don't like playing the *little* woman as she does. She's flirtatous and seldom disagrees (or even discusses) heavy subjects with a man. If she did, chances are she would be flattering of his opinions. With me....it can go either way.

Its kind of funny how all my sisters and I prefer the same type of men at the core. We like them bossy. Domineering sometimes. Manly men. None of us have any respect for a man we can use like a doormat. Guess we are spoiled by the men in our family. They hold thier own for the most part.

The difference between my sisters and I is that, truth be told, its always been way too easy for me to get men to fawn all over the place.

Sometimes its entertaining, but it never holds my attention for long. Thier high opinions of me make me feel unworthy and fearful of disillusioning the poor souls. How can I let them see what they've chosen to be blind to?

No woman, no matter how successful, smart, pretty or any other pleasing adjective you can think of, really wants to be on that high horse so many men put us on. Its a long way down. I've learned to give my real trust sparingly.

No one is cute all the time.

I want to find a man who will love me when I'm ugly.

Armor

Well I tried to throw caution to the wind, play no games and actually show that I cared and it didn't work well for me.

I was still playing games and ended up in a rather chaotic and embarrassing situation. Nothing major, nothing broken, but a realization that maybe I will never have the love I so want. I may not want it enough.

I'm not sure I trust the kind of romance I keep involving myself in. I don't believe in soul mates. I quit believing in love at first sight several years ago when it really wasn't.

I want that unconditional thing my grandparents had...maybe it wasn't perfectly unconditional but the conditions were the right ones. It started with TRUTH.

I think it takes truth still...but it has to be given in doses. People really can't handle the truth and that is not just a Jack Nicholson line.        You give it up in small increments until you are certain they've grasped it without damage.   Too much truth can be overwhelming.    We all have to live in the lies we tell ourselves.   

Its armor.  We all wear it. Love doesn't happen until we can take that armor off, one piece at a time and stand naked from the soul out with another human and say "You may not be perfect, but I kinda like the pattern your scars make on you."    If we can't deal with the ugliness and the imperfections, we don't deserve the romance.

 
I don't want to generalize men,

I know so many perfectly wonderful and yet so completely unavailable guys...so I will specify that it is my less than stellar prospective men who fail to impress me. Not to mention I am no angel myself. I like my caution.

I can't trust the men I seem to like very much. Maybe its poor judgment on my part, it doesn't matter why, the real question is: why should I give them the power to hurt me?

I don't need them. There is a huge difference between what I need and what I want.

I can take care of myself. I don't long to be pampered and spoiled. I've had my babies, and I have my imagination for anything else I might need.

I'd rather be alone than play the games they want to play and at least while my games may delay intimacy, I don't lie to them or lead them on....

Let him declare his feelings to me before he hears my soft words whispered in his ear. He will need to be clear about what he wants from me if he hopes to get it. That's when my armor comes off. Thats when he can see who I really am.

Maybe I'm not a nice girl all the time. I do know what works though. Grandpa's rules. First: know your own value. Last: don't accept less. The one rule of mine that I break too much lately: If the first taste is bitter, don't go back for seconds.

It took me years to repair this heart. I have no intention of putting it in shaky hands.

I want a man with a spine of steel, heart of gold and the patience of a saint.

Exactly what I have to offer.

Or I'd just as soon be alone with my pretty shiny armor.

More Autumn Reflections

We had our first snow earlier this week. Its just a teaser but Autumn seems so short a season after that first snowfall. Today it is Autumn again though. With crisp air that has me with open windows and heat too. I can't resist the call of that air.

Once again the sky is bright with hope and promise and I wonder at the majestic view of those golden treetops. My life goes through constant changes it seems and right now there are so many I feel overwhelmed. I find myself layed off for the first time since I was in my very early 20's. Financial problems won't strike for quite some time if I'm frugal, but its hard not to be that big fish in the small pond. I like being important.

Its harder on me this time too. When I was layed off in my youth I had young children and a husband I thought would always adore me. My youngest son, though autistic is nearly grown now...maybe a year or so behind in developing into an adult compared to most 17 year olds, but on his way, none-the-less, to independence, and certainly needs me much less than his older siblings did when they both were toddlers. The husband who adored me and two more after him are gone from my life and there is barely hope for a man in my heart and life right now. I have friends and family but they have their own busy lives and I'm happy for them. This leaves me lonely though, and looking for purpose beyond cleaning the apartment and applying for work.

On the horizon is my first grandchild. Billy and Celia (Princess of the Universe) are blessing our family in early February. I have a feeling the baby will be a boy, but part of me hopes for a girl that has my daughter's lovely face. I am in wonder at the miracle of life that is unfolding before me when I see her. Celia is glowing as if she has a wonderful secret and Billy is proud and expectant. They will be wonderful parents and this child, the first grandchild on both maternal and paternal sides of the family will no doubt be surrounded with love and hope. I am so joyous! I am literally longing for this child to emerge from my daughter's womb so I can envelope it in my arms. I find myself imagining a tow headed child, too smart for his/her age with sparkling hazel eyes and an infectious smile.....so like his/her parents. And I smile...

I remember my daughter's sass and brass and am grateful for Billy's quiet strength to balance this child's personality. Life is such a wonderful choice and I am happy that my child and her husband chose to create and nurture a life. I couldn't imagine better parents for any child.

Richard, always the hermit, spends his days working or playing video games. As always I wonder when he will give romance another chance instead of playing the field. He will be 30 this Summer, not too late but he's wasting time if he wants to be a parent (and he would be a wonderful parent). He is a truly good man, a big heart, very intelligent and once one knows him, an very outgoing personality. He calls me about once a month or every other month. I seldom call him because he works a lot and he's not much for chatting. Strong silent type with a storm inside his soul. I wait for him to be in the mood. He doesn't like to be pressured by me and he knows how I worry for his future, without a love in his life. I hate the thought of him not having a wife, but know it is his life to live and not mine. I am grateful he loves me even when its so difficult for him to show affection. I am grateful he is independent even as I fondly remember those days of his childhood when he very nearly worshipped the ground I trod upon. I so often remember those days and his big brown eyes looking to me for answers that I never really had.

Walter, my baby, is more man than boy these days. at 17 he still has another year of High School to go. He will only get a certificate because they changed the Spec. Ed program here and despite his intelligence, there is no way they will teach him the way he needs to get taught to get a diploma. I won't medicate him yet, despite the fact that I know aderal or ritalin will help clear his concentration. I want his brain to be more fully developed first, and puberty to be complete, there are not enough studies on the long term effects of these drugs. After he completes the certificate program, we will then proceed to medication and adult ed for a GED and then a vocational school like Ivy Tech. Walter has taken up videophotography these last few years and shows promise of a possible career in that. We will put our focus there. He is maturing emotionally now and trying harder to grow-up. The times I feel hopeless about his future are few and far between now and I'm beginning to feel as if he will succeed in life as his older siblings have. Its just taking him a bit longer is all.

I've gone a dating slow down again. I had stalker this Summer and its kind of put me off the whole dating thing. I went out with this guy one time and he just wouldn't let me go after that, no matter how many times I refused him. He tried guilt and finally anger. I had to be kind of cruel in the end, but he finally gave up. Its left a bad taste in my mouth. I have regrets about an old lover that pains my conscience from time to time. Still I long for a new romance, especially at this time of year. I have so much romantic love in me and no one wants it, or so it seems. The ones that do I tend to send away. I have mended fences with some of them though and become friends again, but the reasons those romances didn't work remain so there is no hope of reunion.

Its been almost 2 years since my last serious relationship with a man and more than a year since I thought I could love again. I have to wonder if it was my last hope. I will be 49 in January. I suppose I am capable of living life alone, but I never thought I would.

I catch myself holding conversations with our cat, Garfield, more and more these days and I wonder how I got here. Its not a bad life, just not the one I set out to have.

I am grateful though...I have so many blessings it seems selfish to whine about that one aspect of my life that I am unsatisfied with. My children are all wonderful and my daughter has a wonderful husband. There's a new baby on the way. My parents are doing as well as expected and the rest of the family is too. I finally have the time to think and to write, my life is fairly stable and its a good one. I'm grateful I have it.

Greetings Autumn

I watched the morning arrive today. It was cloudy and gray at first and then the sun rose high in the sky like a promise of a better life to come. The sky was painted a brilliant blue with soft white clouds here and there. It is definitely a harbinger of Autumn….

In the distance I could see a few scattered leaves on the trees turning brighter colors and even a few dried golden leaves blowing past my feet. I could feel the chill on my skin and my nose felt the effects of the cooler air and new fall blooms. I wondered exactly what it was about Fall that calms me so…. My allergies act up every year and I dread Winter as well, but something about this time makes me want to go out and smile into the World.

I want to walk on soft earth and rake up crunchy leaves. Despite the cold, I don’t want to bundle-up in a coat but prefer layers and sweaters with gloves and scarves without a hat…. I like boots, those hiking boots that lace up to the ankle and thick soles that are meant to give you support for long hikes through the woods.
I want to contemplate the meaning of life and love and hope. This weather makes me want to open up the lounge chair outside and drink my coffee while reading philosophy or the Bible out in the fresh air, maybe even some dime novel that will only make me wish for more out of life…

It clears my mind and opens my heart wide enough to let someone in. Sometimes, like today, I contemplate the few romances I thought would work. Wonder why they didn't and whether I could have acted differently.

I smile about those first simple childhood romances and wonder when exactly it became so difficult to be honest in love. Wishing I could be that girl again. For some people being single during Spring weddings, Summer beach parties or the Winter holidays are the worst…for me its this time of year… I wish I had someone to snuggle with next to a bonfire, someone to surprise me with a kiss in the frequent Autumn rain….someone to talk over life issues on long walks by the River as we watch the cooler waters swirl without boats and fewer people milling about. I miss having someone to dress up with on Halloween.

I miss love in Autumn more than any other time of year.

Just a redneck in disguise

So I have been looking inside to try to figure out why I seem unable to find that certain someone. Sometimes I wonder if I already have and failed.

Looking outside myself doesn't seem to be working....and I hate dating.... truly I do. I'm pretty sure my views on dating are a big part of the problem. Sometimes I think I'd like to skip the whole process.

People think they have to dress up and put on perfect manners and fascinate each other on those first dates. I hate that phony crap. I'm not any good at it. I'm just a redneck that moved out of the ghetto.

I have my moments of fascination but they don't come often and I'm not really comfortable when I'm in them. I do have good manners, when I remember, but like I said, I am just a redneck. I eat chicken with my fingers and drink my beer straight from the can or bottle. As for dressing up, I have the clothes, I just feel like a paper doll when I'm wearing them usually.

Wouldn't it be a great thing if those kind of dates were moved down the calendar instead of all being up-front. It would give people an opportunity to get to know thier real selves without the masks and movie settings. Save the fancy stuff for when there is a reason to celebrate...leave something to aspire too. I know that on those fancy first dates, I'm wondering about how he would feel about watching a movie on the sofa in blue jeans and bare feet. To me, how he feels about that is much more important than current politics or whether he picks up the right fork to eat dessert with.

I try to strike up friendships with men who's company I enjoy, but just like men complain of women....I too, get stuck in the friend zone. Its harder for a *good* girl to get out of this zone because making the first moves does not come natural. In fact it feels downright wrong.

I've heard *never let a man make you chase him* since I was an infant. New world or not....its engraved in my brain now, along with all those descriptions of desperate women who do chase men.

I'm lonely, not desperate. I could never be desperate.

I just don't know how to let a man know I'm interested while still letting him know that I am not the kind of woman who wants to take the lead. I guess that is kind of important to me, that a man leads. I'm still old fashioned like that. So looking at my friends as potential relationships doesn't seem to work. By now, not only have they put me in the friend zone...but I've put them there too.....for failure to lead.

Its been suggested that I join groups that I support and get involved, and I do, but usually those men are married....with children. The single guys are at the bar, watching the game. I don't go to bars alone... Once again, *good* girls just don't. I know its different in some places, but here in the Midwest, you better be friends with the regulars or your morals are going to come into question. Sometimes I go with my girlfriends, but those are not dating opportunities.

I've done internet dating, but there are serious safety concerns there and men tend to get tired of waiting until you feel safe to be meeting them. I won't go into the ones who think because you are on an internet dating site that you are looking for an F-buddy. Suffice it to say they quickly find me not so friendly.

I've banned all relatives and friends from setting me up on blind dates and inviting me to be the woman "keep the numbers even". Some of the worst dates I've ever had! Too many of my friends and family think too highly of me. ....and there is at least one who doesn't think highly enough. Still it was interesting for a while to see what the people who love me thought I wanted. Real interesting. So I sit here wondering how to get the life I want....and I realize there is nothing I can do except wait it out, say a few prayers and continue living the life I have.

Its a good life really....maybe I just miss having someone to cuddle with when a good movie is on and to kiss goodnight.

Maybe its more than that....

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb

Vampires.

I have a love hate thing with them....the real ones and the fantasy ones. Even when I know they would only take the life from me...  

I stretch out my neck in invitation.....

It all sounds so sexy doesn't it?

Kinda....in the fantasy world.

In my real world I find these people all the time. They don't have fangs or piercing eyes...they have needs and problems and they want me to fix them.

Never mind that I have my own or that my family needs me too. I'm learning how to say "No" though. Learning the hard way actually. A few friendships have ended when I stopped the blood flow, though most have been understanding. That's a good thing really.

Eventually the wounds will heal and the sun will come out.

Forget love - I'd rather fall in chocolate! ~Sandra J. Dykes

I'm still single.

Its been a long while since I've said those magic *I love you* words to a man. Probably longer still since I've meant them or even knew what they meant.

I've been reevaluating my life and wondering what I'm doing that keeps me in this state...some of my friends and family have been quick to point to all my "guidelines" and having my mind set on a certain course of events.

They are probably right when they say I must bend. I'm trying.

Its uncomfortable loosening those parts of my heart that I've been holding onto so tightly. Maybe I'm just afraid of more pain...

The real question, I guess, is:  

Am I more afraid of spending my life alone or of finding someone to spend it with?

Being Single.

I'm lonely. I admit it.

It sucks being single. I've been single for almost 5 years now. Sure I've had a romance here and there...but not the stable living together and standing a chance at making it kind. I don't know if its really slim pickings or if I just want too much.

All the nice guys I've met, and I've met a few...seem particularly lazy about relationships these days. I could give you long lists why they are still single, starting with them not reaching out or making any real effort to keep in contact.

They want a relationship without relating. Doesn't work that way. I'm too smart for the assholes now. I married their King and danced with the Princes. After a twirl or two I'm onto them.

Then there are the guys who want/need a Mommy. Frankly I'm almost done raising my real children....I am not going to raise/protect and care for some man who's mother should have completed that job 20 or 30 years ago.

I'm also not willing to wait for him to go through withdrawal, rehab, AA, get a job, or move out of his Mama's house.

I'm not a cougar either....those young boys who want a trainer can forget it.

I think I scare off the guys I like. I am overtly sexual (no I don't sleep around...its just one of those things I am truly honest about) and I'm smart. Usually they can only deal with one of those things.

The most recent coffee date loved the overt sexuality...but told me outright he didn't know how comfortable he could be around a woman who was smarter than him. I had to explain a few multisyllabic words. I didn't think he was less intelligent than I and tried to reassure him, but the truth is I probably am---at least in some ways and he didn't take the reassurance because he is definitely not as confident as I am about his intellect.

C'est la vie I guess. Bummer though. I really liked him.

My only questions are 1. why is it ok for a guy to be smarter than a woman but not for a woman to be smarter than a guy? and 2. If men really dislike to be with prudish women, then why are they all put off by one who admits to being sexual...especially after they have asked pointed questions about it?

I can't work up a fake blush and I'm so tired of playing stupid.

Back to the point....I scare them off because I am not who they really want.

I'm getting comfortable being single.

I wish I weren't.

Cavemen Games

Someone said to me today that women always bring out the potty mouth when they get horny.

Yeah, I brought it on myself because I was talking about that movie *the ugly truth* on facebook. Good movie and most of its probably true.

I've admittedly used some of those types of flirting tricks myself. (My family is from the South, where flirting is a sport, much like football is for men. We put on our mothers heels at 5years old and learn how to wiggle and sway when we walk. My mother has never been pleased by the lack of *sway* in my walk.) Sometimes I get bored with the predictability of this game, but the guys who play don't bore me at all... so..... I can play it pretty well.

I've never wanted a man who didn't think he wanted me first. Never had a problem keeping them either...more a problem was getting rid of them.

I knew what my commenter meant by the whole potty mouth thing. Maybe some girls do bring it out then. I've been known to do that too, but not really because I was horny. I get silent in that state of mind & body. I find my voice in order to get what I want though, because a guy, as a rule, doesn't get that if my lips have stopped moving they are waiting for a move from his. Bringing out the potty mouth seems to make this kind of guy horny.

If getting what I want means saying *cock*...well its a small price to pay. Yeah I've left that kind of guy on hold. Failed to return calls. Been busy when I wasn't and basically made him work for it.

Seriously...they love the chase and want what they can't have most of all. The few times I was completely honest, it didn't work out nearly as well for me or them. The men grew bored. Truthfully so did I.

I know there are guys who don't play those games...but they tend to be too cerebral for my tastes.... I tend to like the cavemen types who play these type of games. These guys have to be boss or you will never see them wearing a tent.

If I am going to be silent, they like to think it was them that shut me up by giving me a taste of their testosterone and God knows I get high off that stuff...

If all I need to do is say *cock* to get a dose of it...well its not like anyone can wash my mouth out these days....