I am exceptional....but not the exception

  I am exceptional.  At least I was. I should be still. I could be still.  I am exceptional but not the exception.


It happens a lot with a lot of people who break up after long term relationships and marriages, we forget who we could be without the anger and pain.

We all compensate a little differently. . I started looking for why a relationship wouldn't work instead of looking at what was right about them. Then I would analyse why it was really my fault and think of ways to hide my shame, including shifting the blame. I began to believe that fairy tales were for children and that I didn’t need anyone.

 Publicly I blamed them, internally I blamed me. Truthfully there is enough blame for everyone. What made me ever think so high of myself...that I should be the perfect one?  I am exceptional, truly we all are.....but even I don't believe it most of the time.


My dating problems are not even about “He’s just NOT that into you” . The kind of man I want isn’t *into me* because I haven’t been living out who I am…. I write in her voice sometimes and visit her life occasionally….but I sure haven’t been living that life recently. I remember who I am but I’ve forgotten how to be her.

That’s not true either….I’ve become too bored and lazy to be her. Sometimes, when success comes too easy, people become complacent.


That’s what I did. To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, I wasted my *pretty*.

I let other people take over my life, I tried to make them happy instead of doing what I needed to do for my kids and myself.


Where is this all coming from? Didn’t I seem fine the last time I wrote something here? Not to worry, I was and am.

 Its just I have had an epiphany.

This week I have read “He’s just NOT that into you no less than 6 times”. I have watched the movie 4 times over the last 2 days.

I’ve realized the truth.

I am exceptional. I am not the exception though. I don’t even want to be. I am the rule.

Clarity. The word of the year. This is what it means.

It means that I have to focus on me in order to be a better mother….daughter…..sister……friend….even employee.

It means that I will not allow the mere remote possibility of romance or even friendship to color my days or affect the way I live them. When I love myself, the way I deserve, I will be better able to love the people in my life the way they deserve to be loved.

It is impossible to give away what you don’t already have.   

The truth about my love life is that it isn’t just that he (take your pick which he) was not that into me…its been that I was NOT that into me. This doesn’t mean that I am going to be all self centered and me me me….. It means I realize that is what I have been doing. Wallowing in my misery. Comfortable in it. Too stubborn to be who I once was…..who I should be.

Its so much easier to pretend everything is some guy’s fault instead of looking at where I am screwing up. Its so much easier to pretend I am satisfied with life as it is than to do the actual work it takes to change it back to what I want it to be.

I was too embarrassed to ask for help or support before. Need was just another word for failure. I lied when I say I don’t need anyone. I can’t make things work on my own.

I am not superhuman after all.....

I'm never going to be even close to perfect.....

 I’m not the exception…. I am the rule.

Clarity. Epiphany. Oh I like those words.

Its time I stop living up and living down to other’s expectations of me. Its time I live up to my own.

Sometimes its what we don't do that matters....

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that it might not be such a good idea to call a person an idiot....even if that person was. The truth is I can't remember the last time I said something behind someone's back that I haven't said directly to their face. Sometimes I can be so mean.... so sarcastic... self righteous.... overbearing.... egocentric..... and a whole host of not so stellar personality traits... I'm trying to get better. Usually I am....but sometimes and a lot lately I'm not nearly as nice as I aspire to be.

Today I didn't call anyone an idiot....in front or behind them. It may not sound like much.... but its progress.

I guess its born from frustration. I've been going through a lot recently and not in a good mood to start with. I tend to expect too much from myself and from others. I expect everyone to be as single minded as I am on any given task. The truth is I am the weird one. I could state my case differently instead of saying... *he's an idiot* as if that person doesn't matter. Everyone matters. So I am trying to be nicer and while it is part of my job to find problems and correct them and inform my GM if someone makes continual mistakes or errors be it in judgment or in work... It is not my place to go around insulting people as if I, alone, am perfect.

Time to jump off the high horse and walk around a bit.

Belief vs. Behavior

I lost a friend today or at least someone I thought was a friend.

It was stupid really. He was goading me about my beliefs because he is a die-hard atheist. Obviously I am not. I tried very hard to be diplomatic and even agree with him on several points with reference to organized religion. It was supposed to be one of those "Free thought" conversations.

I should have known better. Instead of diplomacy he returned what I can only describe as rabid scorn.

He insulted my intelligence, my beliefs and insisted he could do a better job with humanity than God himself. "Loser" was the term he used to describe him.

I don't pretend to know all there is..... Who could? I don't know why bad things happen to good people. Bad things have happened to me too.... I don't blame God though. I blame the people who do these things.

He seems to think that men have done all good by themselves as well. As if we are responsible for our own creation.

I don't see it that way. The more I understand science the more I understand that there is more to it than that. I've personally experienced what even doctors considered miracles. Doctors are still scientists right? I should not have lived the day I was born and so many miracles since then. No scientific reason....it could be just dumb luck but the laws of probability say no. That is science too.

My point is I have very good reasons to believe the way I do.

Maybe he does too but I couldn't find it in the hatred and the blame he was vomitting at me.

He is entitled in these United States to be be free "from" religion just as I am entitled to be free to choose my own faith. I respect that.

What he is not free to do is insult me and try to engage me in a battle of wits....on this or any other planet.

I've chosen not to have this person in my life. Not because he is atheist. I have several atheist friends.

I've stopped being his friend because he is an asshole.

Have any of you been put in that kind of position?

Time

I removed dates from this site because I didn't want to put anything on here that was time sensitive...sometimes it looks as if every thing is happening all at once here though doesn't it? Time is funny that way. Moments and hours seem to take the same amount of time. Days and years. Its all reflective and subjective to me that way. Oh well....just a weird thought I was having as I reflected on earlier posts and wondered whether or not I should put actual dates on this site. Decided no.... My feeling is that this page is for somewhat universal emotion, experiences and thought. Time has no place within them except as a subject.

My Mother's Mother

A week ago today my family and I celebrated the life of my Grandmother. I think I've finally come to terms with everything....

I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.

Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....

Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.

Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.

As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.

We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.

She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.

Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.

Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!

Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.

I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.

Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*

I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.

So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.

She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.

We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.

Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.

We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.

Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.

I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.

Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.

I know she lives for you too..

So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.

You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
　
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
　
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free


Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go


For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home


When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

　

Thank you.

I've been depressed and without health insurance or real resources... I've been having a hard time of it.

I need to get my life in order....I need to forgive myself and others for so many things and so many failures....

I need to regain control of things...but I can't seem to find the reins that control my life. Today is a good day...kind of... sort of.... I've been kind of bitchy but not crying over anything and not really feeling so fake.

That's good right?

There's no one I can really go to to help me get through this. The only friend I had that I could completely trust with anything and everything has been dead for years.... I was lucky to have her the time I did I guess...

I'm doing well at the job too. Really well.

I work myself into this oblivious state while I'm there and almost make my brain a computer of its own. On the plus side I am learning all kinds of new skills and software...and it does kind of make me brain dead by the end of the day. Its easier not to deal with my life and failures that way I guess.

Sleep comes in fits and starts. I think I usually get enough though...it just isn't the good kind.

I'm still refusing to become involved with my room-mate. He's in his own downward mental spiral. He lies about stupid stuff. His morals and standards are not nearly as high as mine. He thinks I'm a goody two shoes sometimes.

That pretty much sucks. I mean I want to be good but not a goody two shoes y'know?

For some reason men think that about me a lot.

I abide by the law. I don't do drugs. I don't drink as a rule. I think about right and wrong and sometimes really struggle to make sure I make the right moral decisions.

I'm still cool though....really. I can be a badass too.

Seriously. I've stood up to murderers, rapists and thieves on several occassions. I've taken down crack dealers.

So how does that make me a goody-two shoes?

I smoke and sometimes, when my car is running, I'm prone to a heavy foot.

Doesn't any man want a middle-of-the-road kind of woman?

I'm too angelic for the bad boys and too evil for the good ones... I'm still divided I guess.

The only real working friendship I have is with my boss.

No one else really knows everything that is going on in my life.

The problem is with my boss, I don't want her to feel bad about my problems with work....she really has been trying to help me along but she doesn't own the joint y'know.

I'm still underpaid for the job I am doing and wondering how I am making ends meet most of the time because I am still not getting the 40 hours I was promised 2 years ago.

The thing is my friend and boss really needs me there. She does.

She was so close to a break-down a year ago because a lot of the help she has here is inept and frankly many of them are not the brightest. She is understaffed. ......and lets face it...Notre Dame just isn't packing the crowds any more. We just don't have the revenue to sustain shoddy work.

I've done well for her though, I was able to collect 10s of thousands in what was previously considered lost revenue we've managed to hang in there during a couple of really rough patches. I keep waiting for the promotion and raise I've earned now that I have all our receivables at 96% current (from 40% a year ago when I took over).

I am still earning a dollar less than I was promised a year ago. It sucks and I can't complain to my friend about it because she feels it as a failure too.

I'm not going to ask for it right now because I know the company really can't justify it, despite my performance.

Lord I hope that Obama's policies work....but I don't see how.....

At any rate I didn't want to drone on and on...I just wanted to reconnect a little and to be honest and tell you that I'm going to be ok in a while....

I'm just having a bit of a hard time right now....but improving a little day by day...

Trust V. Love

Have you ever wished that you were not quite as intelligent as you are?

People say ignorance is bliss and some days I think they are right.

There is a person whom I care about that is constantly trying to pull the wool over my eyes, so to speak. The problem is I can see right through the wool and I am insulted and hurt by these actions. So I called this person out on it and that person seems to think that "I'm sorry" is somehow enough.

Its not the first time this has occurred. I don't know what is enough.

I just know that "I'm sorry" doesn't cover lies and manipulation for me. It doesn't wash the insult to my pride that the opinion that person held of me was so low as to consider me ignorant.

 "I'm sorry" has nothing to do with it.

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry this person failed me.

I find myself actually wishing I didn't have such high standards of morality and ethical behavior, because my life would be easier if I didn't.

I'm sorry for being a good person....and that's just wrong on so many levels. No one should want to lower their standards for the sake of friendship. Friendship should make us want to be better people, not lesser people.

I want to care about this person but I don't know how to rebuild the trust.

Love seems to be about emotions. Trust, has to be earned....and once lost, it has to be earned back.

Which is more valuable?

Betrayal sucks.

age old question.

Why are men so afraid of intimacy? I don't want a man who avoids serious issues or is afraid to feel real emotion. I may not want a cry baby but I damn well want a reaction. I think most women have the same complaint. I'm sooooo sick of little boys.

Storms

I write about this affinity I have with storms.  Right now as I wait for one I thought I would try to describe what is happening to me and what I expect to occur.

Right now there is that heaviness hanging in the air as I wait for a storm to come.  Some people hate that.  I don't....but I don't love it either.  

There is this thing between myself and big storms...its like I am absorbed into the energy that hangs in the air.  Its a physical thing that is already starting, my joints ache, my muscles tighten, my head feels pressed against, even my breathing becomes different.  Its not a painful thing, but it sort of feels like being under water a bit too long. Comfortable but a bit unnerving nonetheless.

This feels like it will be a big one, but maybe it will pass over.  Its kind of an either/or thing at this point.  Storms seem to clear up my thinking once they begin but before they come, I contemplate all the difficult things to think about.  I'm uncomfortable inside and out as I wait for the storm that will release me physically and mentally.

Often it is during a storm that sleep literally overtakes me and I sleep that dreamless trance that refreshes the soul.  When it doesn't happen like that then it is usually because I have some seriously heavy thoughts that inspire dreams, visions and night terrors, that would freak out at least half of my readers.  Unfortunately I fear tonight will be the latter.  I have some heavy thoughts going on these days.

Still better to have the dreams than to not have the storm.  The storm brings release by one form or another.  If the air just hangs heavy like this I won't be able to rest for days, because I will continue to feel the universal pressure and the mental confusion until the barometer changes.

Pray for rain.

Better Days

That, Dear Readers, is my one and only photo of my grandparents together. Years ago I had many photos of my Grandma, but as many of you know, I had a terrible apartment fire where most of my photos went up in flames. It was years before I tried my hand at photography again. In fact its only been a couple of years now.

This photo means so much to me. I know those of you who have known me for a few years could probably tell stories about my grandparents yourself now. I have quoted them and written parables about the way they lived and loved so much. I've actually saved many of the emails I've received about these stories because your responses touch my heart.

I'm not sure how old they were in this photo. It doesn't matter. Can you see the love in the way they stand so close together. Grandpa is supporting her back with his arm. He always did that. If you look closely you will see that my Grandma is looking upwards at him, usually he was looking downward at her. Usually they were smiling, but they were probably just pausing before leaving when this shot was taken. It looks as if Grandpa had just opened her door for her. Just one of those common ordinary things he always did for ladies that ruined me for all other men I think.

I received this photo in my email yesterday from my cousin Janie (Freckles on Multiply). I cried when I first looked at it and I've been flooded with happy memories ever since. It was the first of many happy lucky events that make me feel as if my run of sadness and frustration may be coming to an end.

Seriously, it wasn't just the deaths of my Aunt Ethel and Grandmother. Those losses couldn't be overcome by a simple photograph but I seemed to have stopped feeling sorry for myself over them. Self pity is such an ugly thing.

There was a lot of bitterness with the last break-up though, not to mention annoyance because he was having such a hard time accepting the truth. Then there was annoyance at other guys for approaching me as if I were single and didn't want to be (i probably would have been annoyed if I hadn't been approached too...hey I can't help being female). Work has been frustrating and busy. My GM has been out ill and the Front Desk Manager and I have been trying to cover all the little things she needs to manage from her sick-bed so she only needs to come out for major things. I've been doing my job ok but computers keep breaking down (we really need to replace some important ones) and to be honest, its getting harder and harder to bring them back to life. I've been getting frustrated with my coworkers because I keep having to show and tell them the same things over and over and over. I've been repairing things left and right at home too. I forgot to renew my license plate and insurance on time. Now I have to find new insurance before March 3 (I don't actually have to...but they ticked me off by trying to raise my rates!). I did actually renew my plates on time but I live in fear of getting stopped because I haven't received my sticker yet so all I have is a printed out receipt until it arrives, probably tomorrow. Then I blew out a tire yesterday on the way to work and it took all day to find someone who would put my doughnut on for me. My brother came through for me though. (My second bit of luck....He always does. Bless his widdle black heart. I'm a lucky sister.) Then the tire shops tried to rip me off wanting over $120 to put on 2 USED tires. I told them No and decided to give it a day so I didn't shoot anyone.

Then I came home and my luck continued to change, I received a call from a guy I actually am interested in getting to know better. He seems to have the same interest. I've known him for a while but not well. He doesn't seem dweebish, he's not a jerk, and he appears to be absolutely normal at this point. He's more than kinda cute too.

Today I replaced those tires for get this $35! It was supposed to be $40 when I called and I was pretty happy with that...but since I smiled so pretty he called it ladies day and knocked $5.00 off the price. Yes that included putting the dern things on too. The tires are nice too. I probably can get a year and a half off of them.

Then I went to the Supermarket and no joke, virtually everything I bought was on sale and I got a couple of free hoosier fries because I made the girl at the counter laugh. Seriously. I spent $88 but I saved over $40.

I stopped off to buy gas and the guy at the gas station gave me an extra 2 bucks free. Seriously. I asked for $10 but he set it for $12 and when I went back to pay for it, he said No no no....free to me.

Then I came home and took a nap.

As Princess of the Universe, my daughter, Cecelia used to say: "Tomorrow is gonna be a great day!"

Stoopid Cupid

I've been unofficially single for about 6 weeks now. I made it official about 2 weeks ago. Men are already turning into vultures. I didn't think I looked so desperate. Maybe I smell like fresh meat because they are acting like carnivores. Too many propositions to mention. Just way too many for me to want anything so very very common. "no I am not going to date another man who works in this building...sorry too close for comfort" "no, I'm afraid that it would ruin a perfectly good friendship...sorry....", "no, its just too soon.....(as if I have regrets)", "no, I just want to concentrate on : my kid, my house, my career, my writing, my friends, me...." NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously I am not that cute. No one is THAT cute.

Why is it that men think that anytime a woman is single that she is on the market? I try to give polite refusals but from the incredulous reactions I am getting, they just don't believe that I am not interested in climbing on another merry-go-round. I don't need a man to complete me. At this point I am not even sure I want one.

Right now there is so much I can do.

I can blow my nose without hiding in the bathroom. I can wear my sweats whenever and whereever I damn well please. I can skip the make-up, not to mention I don't even have to brush my hair if I don't want to. I can have cereal for dinner. I get to control the remote. That's right.... I have the power baby!!!! If some guy beeps in while I am talking to my sister...I can just keep right on talking and let him handle the voice mail. I can hang out with my guy friends without worrying that the green eyed monster is gonna show up. I don't have to pretend I am helpless to make some little boy feel like a big man. I can do it on my own now Sugar.

I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

I don't have to tell anyone where I am going to be or schedule around stuff.

I can buy what I want at the grocery store.

I can waste the beer on my hair.

I always get the last cup of coffee.

And if I have gas....well I bet you can guess.

Life is sweet. Maybe I'm not getting any heart shaped boxes this year but I can buy myself my own chocolate anyway.

Cupid hasn't been that nice to me. Its about time he gets what he deserves!!!

Well it is Valentine's Day isn't it.

FU VALENTINE!!!!

Ahhhhhh the love....the romance of it all....

To all of you lucky in love I wish you many glorious Valentine Days to come.

To all of you not-so-lucky ones, like me, I offer you a bit of solace to make your Valentine's Day the best it has ever been....

Single Again

With everything going on, I didn't mention that I actually did break up with the BF a while back. I should feel worse which only tells me I did the right thing.

I had been trying to make things work but I think it was more because I thought I should want what he wanted and that I thought I should try to stay in a relationship. Everybody else does. Then with everything that was going on, all I could think of is that this is not my life. I remembered my first rule of romance. *You can't make someone love you and you can't make someone stop*.

I learned that I can work and I can compromise though, but I can't change the truth about who I am. That's where I keep messing up. I keep trying to be the woman they want me to be, or rather I keep trying to hide the part of me they don't want. Its not that my standards have been too high, rather the opposite. I've been in a hurry, never asking myself why.

Maybe, for a time I really believed I couldn't make it on my own. I think I'm wrong. I may not be doing the middle class diva thing, but I am doing ok. I think I will continue doing ok with or without a man in my life. I'm stronger and more capable than I realized.

I'm moving *having a successful romantic relationship* way down on my priority list now. I still want it, but I realize I don't need it to be happy.

Trying to convince the former BF that I mean it is another thing entirely. The break-up is not working well for him. But I don't think its me he wants at all. He just wants somebody. I'm deluged with the text messages and the sad faces at work. I am sorry that he is hurting. He'd be relieved if he would just listen to what I actually said and look for the truth. No one should have to change the essence of who they are for a relationship to work and basically that is what I was asking him to do. Desperation is a painful thing.

Reflections about Grandma

I can't write about my Grandma and not write about myself and the other women in my family. Somehow we are one and the same. I have often written about the women in my family. We outnumber the men, I think its probably about 3 to 1 normally in our genetic history, though sometimes it seems closer to 4 to 1, my siblings are 4 to 1. I have a saying, *We don't have an x gene, we have a capital X gene.*

We women absolutely adore the men, they are a jovial bunch! They kind of have to be, a sense of humor is a must when you are surrounded by wildly passionate females. The women are all strong. At risk of insulting the men, we are the strongest gender in our family. We never give up and we are the ones who inspire or force the men to become the leaders that they usually are. Even my mildest female relative, my baby sister Rhonda, who I've often mentioned, is a handful. No one else but me would dare call her mild. We all avoid confronting each other. We know that we are formidable. Nothing is more hair raising than to watch two women in our family disagree. Personally I'd rather fight a thug from the streets.

This sisterhood is passed, it seems, down the maternal line as well. My sisters and I, despite the differences we note from time to time, are really quite alike. We have the soul and the passion of our mother and our maternal aunt. Our mother and our aunt had the soul of our grandmother, who from what I understand inherited her spirit from her mother, whom I never knew. We all may have bits and pieces of our fathers in us, they pass on beliefs and kindness to us. But the truth of it all is that without this *never say die, never give up, never give in* spirit in our female lineage, I think our family would have died out during the potato famine in Ireland. That is when another woman, down the female line, raised her numerous siblings and made it to America, her siblings in tow. The next generation of females, which include my spirited daughter Celia, are even stronger.

On the outside and to outsiders we may appear to be socially acceptable and appear to be ladies most of the time. Appearances can be deceiving and so can we. The women of our family never needed the women's liberation movement. We never needed a law to tell us that we are as good or as capable as a man or to demand and receive justice in a man's world. All we ever needed was recent family history. We usually outwardly conformed to the social rules of history while breaking numerous conventions privately. Unless we didn't care a flying uknowwhat, then we would break the rules and damn the consequences. History repeats itself alot in my family.

My Grandma skipped school one day and married a Cherokee boy. When she married him interacial marriage was illegal in some states and unacceptable everywhere, especially in her father's house. Native Americans were in the same boat that all other dark races were then. To say that my Grandpa was a wild one would be an understatement. He was huge too. He was a golden gloves boxer who stood over 6'. My Grandma was about 4'11" and small framed to boot. To say she tamed him would be a misstatement. She directed his energy though. Because of who she was, he became who he was. There was more power and intelligence in her small form than in any man he ever met, I'm sure. He was wise enough to note that. He never treated her as *the little woman*. My Grandpa was the bravest man I ever met, but he knew better. The things I remember most about their relationship are that passion and love were ever present. I don't remember ever seeing any indifference there, like I see in most couples after a time. I remember, even while I was just a young girl barely curious about sexuality, that they were very romantic towards each other. Very touchy-feely. They argued from time to time too, but even that was passionate and full of love. When they did argue, it seemed as if two sides of the same person were reflecting on the wrong that the feet had done to the hand when the body fell down. I used to love to watch them make thier morning coffee when ever I stayed there. It was like the whole thing was a choreographed dance. Grandma would take the pot apart and Grandpa would reach for the coffee. She would fill the pot with water and he would lift it out of the sink.... It was a beautiful sight. Always, when I think of what I wanted life to be like for me, that was it. To make coffee together like we were one person.

Grandma was a beautiful woman, but she didn't really care. I remember convincing her to wear more glamorous make-up in her middle 50's once. She humored me and wore it all day, but I knew she thought it was ludicrous. I thought she looked beautiful. Most of the time she wore nothing more than a little powder and lipstick. She did like jewelry, especially earings. She used to tell me I was naked without them. Its funny....she didn't care about how she looked so much, but she did want to put on a good face and maybe a little bling bling for the world to see. She was naturally a platinum blonde. She dyed her hair red for as long as I can remember. I asked her about that once. It seems that when my handsome grandfather was at his peak as a boxer he quite naturally enjoyed the attentions (without cheating in any form) of the women who flocked to him a bit too much. Grandma would, of course, get rid of those ladies in short order but she began dying her hair red to give them (probably him too) warning. I can only assume it worked. If Grandpa was admiring the ladies, I know I never saw it. Smart guy. She wasn't really jealous though, it was more of a pride thing. Those women should never have dared to approach HER husband. It wouldn't surprise me to learn she had actually kicked a few asses to tell you the truth. I think I would have. Ok truth be told, I have.

She was always about family. She loved her man, she loved her children and she loved their offspring. We never doubted her love, though there are times we questioned why. I'm not writing about the failures though. We all have them. I am writing about the woman who loved anyway, even when some of us did not deserve it. She somehow made time for each of us. We all have wonderful stories about our one on one time with Grandma. She tried to be wise, but she never spoke as eloquently as she lived. Grandpa was the talker, she was the doer. She used to make big Sunday friend chicken dinners and she would squeeze as much of her large family as possible into her tiny house. She seemed to live for the banter that went around the dinner table. I learned just as much from watching her do what needed to be done as I did listening to Grandpa speak about social issues. Her actions reflected his words. Grandma did not let important things go undone, she never let the unimportant cloud her vision. She was the essence of practicality. She paid attention to the whole picture, she didn't get stuck on the details like the dreamers in our family. Grandma pulled us all together when we were trying to pull her in different directions. She was like a lighthouse. If we felt sad or confused, we could go to her and she would busy us with tasks and we could think uninterupted. My mother has been growing more and more like her these past years. Trying to keep the warring factions at bay, trying to spank the dreamers among us back into reality. I feel kind of sorry for Mom. For having such tiny feet, Grandma left big shoes to fill. Mom is the matriarch now and the family is bigger than Grandma's, probably even wilder now. Grandma and Aunt Shirley are watching down on her I know, and will lend guidance through dreams, but my poor mother has a passionate bunch of women to guide and prepare for the next generation. It isn't easy. Not when we all have that bloodline of strong women. There's that capital X gene again for good or ill. I hope she can keep Grandma's sense of humor amidst it all. She's going to need it now.

I didn't mention my Grandma was funny did I? OMG! She was outrageous. Grandma would take us shopping at the local department store and go around sniffing toilet paper because she wanted to find the best smelling one. She would sniff loudly and pretend not to notice the other shoppers! Must be where I get the playing pranks on strangers thing. Another thing she would do at the store is let big stinkers, sometimes big loud stinkers and then loudly blame it on my siblings and me. "Tressa ANN what did YOU do?!?!" she would say as if she were disgusted and scolding me for my behavior. I would blush and get so angry and she would just chuckle all the way home until I was laughing with her even while I was praying to God none of my friends were there. I can remember her tricking me into annoying the neighbors with my off key clarinet playing by convincing me that I was so good she wanted the neighbors to know how much better her granchild was than their children and grandchildren! She did the same thing with me reading out loud. As a little girl she built up my ego so much that by the time I went in to get my tonsils out (4 years old) I had an attitude that commanded me to steal all the toys from the hospital play room. I then locked myself into the bathroom and refused to come out because I knew I deserved all those toys more than the other kids. When the nurses were finally able to restrain me (it took massive doses of sleep meds and a net over the crib they were trying to keep me in), I fell asleep ranting about how they could not do this to me and that I would tell my Grandma and she was going to be really mad because she said I looked just like Shirley Temple and was going to be a star some day. Yeah, Grandma could convince me of just about anything and she had a lot of fun doing just that.

There are lots of things I could say about her, she had the patience of a saint. She must have listened to the "Disco Duck" 100 times in a row one day because it was my favorite song at the time. She actually tried to learn to dance *the Hustle* from me. She let my friends spend the night and we painted knick knacks all day. She never told me to shut up (she whispered to mom to tell me though I am sure). She forgave almost anything. Her heart was always open for the love of her family. She wouldn't put up with shit out of any of us though. You haven't been told off until she got a hold of you. She was brave too. A year ago she tried to take on some neighborhood thugs while spending some time at my Mom's. They backed down. I bet she made them feel guilty about their own grandmothers. They probably hung their head in shame just like I did the few times she felt the need to straighten me out. She was protective of us all. I remember when I was about 13 or so, she caught my sister and me talking to boys and first she chased them off with a switch and then she chased us home with the same one. She loved that we were all such pretty girls but she thought we shouldn't trust boys. Wise woman sometimes. When she moved back to her hometown for a while I used to write her from time to time. I remember once I thought it would be funny if I corrected her spelling and grammar. Ok I was probably showing off too. I only did that once! Trust me, I was TOLD. She used to say I used $20.00 words for a $5.00 message, I think I finally understood what she meant sometime in my early 30's and I toned it down a bit. People liked me more after that.

I loved my Grandma. I wasn't good about visiting her as an adult. I will regret that forever I guess. I bet she would tell me not to worry about it though. She knew I loved her and that was enough. She was enough for me.

Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on.

My grandmother passed on yesterday. I'm still dealing with the guilt and the poor-me's. I think I'm coming to terms with it. The thing that bothers me most is that for a period of time she felt physical pain. She had gangreen. She would have died soon anyway. She was 92. Basically my family is very lucky to have had her as long as we have, still we would have greedily accepted each additional day if we could have had them.

I'll write about her more soon. She was an amazing woman. Everything is too fresh now.

Today is my birthday. I knew she wouldn't die today. She would never do that to me. I knew it would be on a plain ordinary date so as not to dredge up painful reminders year after year. She was always so considerate, never wanting a fuss to be made.

We haven't made any solid funeral or viewing arrangements yet. I'm still waiting for my parents to call with something definite. I couldn't go today anyway. I won't make the association between today and yesterday, she wouldn't have liked that and I don't want to make people feel like they need to put on thier happy birthday faces for me. No one is happy today.

Walter has been trying so hard to make me happy today. I keep trying but all I want to do is sit and stare. Most people haven't remembered and I am ok with that. If I could have changed the date I would have. I just wish I could take away the regret from my friends and family when they realize they forgot me. I wish they could just forget completely until next year.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend too. I would have done it already but he has been angry since I decided to visit my Grandma last Saturday with my sister. (that visit is how we found out the seriousness of this situation...but thats another soap opera). He has been totally ignoring and avoiding me since then despite the fact that he knows that I was dealing with all this. Nothing in it for him to be around me when I'm sad. I thought he really cared and I was worried about hurting him. I did care for who I thought he was, even knowing he wasn't the one for me. I realize now that I was just a free meal and booty call. I helped his position at work somewhat too. He got more than he paid for. I had high hopes that I could still be friends with him, but this hurt even if I knew already that we were not going to last. I feel stupid. Used. The truth is, he was trying to keep me isolated, and I won't be trapped again.

My resolution word last year was Hope. Good word and it was good for me to concentrate on that. This year the word will be CLARITY. My life needs definition, my truths need classification, my world needs to get organized. I've gone through a lot in the past 10 years or so, its time to start understanding what all these events actually mean in my life...time to clean up some of the debris, physically and figuratively, that surrounds me.

Today, out of the blue, a man I didn't know read one of my profiles and emailed me about the following song. Jimmy Buffett wrote it after Hurricane Katrina. It sums up how I feel today. Like I always say...Sometimes God sends you angels.

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

[Guitar Solo]

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

I'm breathing.

Silence Deafens

There is a lot going on in my personal life these days. Its work, its the boyfriend, its family. Its even the "orphan" I'm trying to help. I would give my right arm some days for boredom.

My Grandma is dying. I've said it now. It doesn't make it any easier. I haven't been the best granddaughter either. I only see her a couple of times a year. She deserves better. When I was a kid she always had time for me....and for my numerous siblings and cousins.

Life just gets in the way of living sometimes. There were the jobs, the boyfriends, the family squabbles. Mostly it was me though....I didn't MAKE time for her and now she is dying.

If you have a grandmother. Call her today. Visit if you can. I don't care if you want to remember her the way she WAS. You need to see her as she is now.

Tomorrow never comes. Say what you need to say.

Nostalgia

If auld aquaintance......

I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.

I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.



In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....

Moon Shadow
Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow

She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.

I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....

Let the light shine down.

Happy Halloween

Well I am very busy...but I couldn't let the day go unnoticed. Seriously I barely had time to go to the

<

<

My wonderful GM kept bugging me with her constant inquiries about the current state of affairs.....

<

The front desk wasn't keeping quiet either. It's like they expected me to know EVERYTHING!

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.
What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.
What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What's Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Vein-illa.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

Seriously...I tried hard to be patient but eventually I became quite frustrated!

Still we did have some good conversations at work. Politics are big there. I'd say most of us are leaning toward the liberal side. I think I spoke for us all when I said

Well I probably ought to sign off now....am expecting hordes of masked terrorists at my door tonight. I will have to give them certain small packages to keep myself from danger.

But I just want to leave you with one scary thing....it is after all, Halloween....

I hope you all have a safe and a

As for me...I plan to spend a nice quiet evening at home with Mr. Wonderful....

Its Been a Really Long Day

Ok... Its a good thing I drank all that cappuccino.

The FD was short handed today. I had to cover there. It was a mad house. Almost 150 check-outs and then a wedding party checking in. There were also other events we were hosting but not rooming. Only one person was scheduled. Even if the usual 2 people were scheduled I would have needed to help out. Then the phones were going spastic. Then there were problems with some of the guests wanting to change their room types after the reservations had already been filled. We couldn't do it. I had a couple of really bad calls. Not all of them were assholes AND idiots but one was.

This guy called me for directions during the height of early a.m. check-outs. I was doing my best to assist him while simultaneously checking out guests (which was already rude, but he REFUSED to hold for a minute). He wanted to know how to come here from Chicago without using the toll road.

"Sir I don't travel much, I only know the toll road route"

"You shouldn't work in a hotel if you don't travel!!!!!!!!!" (the guy was shouting)

"I'm sorry Sir, I'm actually an accountant, I am just assisting the front desk for a moment" (I'm thinking you don't have to be dead to work in a morgue) "If you'd like, I can have the valet-driver call you when he gets back"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOUR DRIVER IS NOT THERE!!!!!"

"I'm sorry Sir" (I'm thinking our driver is DRIVING and that this is a hotel not mapquest)

"I want to talk to your manager!!!!" (its barely 8 a.m., management doesn't come in until 9 a.m. just like most businesses, I was early today).

"I'm sorry Sir, but my manager is unavailable right now, however she will be available later this morning"

"YOU AREN'T ANY HELP AT ALL!!!! FINE I WILL TAKE THE TOLL
ROAD. WHICH EXIT?!?!"

"Just a moment Sir, I want to verify that" (I didn't want to send him down the wrong exit since I've never driven from Chicago to here....he already knew I didn't travel)

"JESUS CHRIST...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I want YOUR name and the name of your Manager!!!! (I could hear him whipping around traffic, the man was driving, bitching me out on the phone, obviously had NO idea of where he was going and now he was taking notes....and he is acting like I am stupid?)

"It is either 77 or 78, I just want to be sure I give you the right one Sir. My name is TRESSA (spelled it at his request) and my manager is _________."(Her name didn't need spelled because it is common.)

"What is your LAST name???" (as if I was holding out on some big secret)

"Well , Sir, my last name is Bailey" (I spelled it in case he was even dumber than I thought), "but my first name will be all that is needed, I am the only person with that name here." (as far as I know the only other person within a hundred miles of me with that name is dead. I was named after her).

"I just don't want there to be any mistakes" (oh yeah....he was a real M-F-er... this one)

"One moment Sir, let me verify that exit. (I ask my very busy co-worker which one while he is busily huffing and puffing into the phone so I will know how irritated he is.) "77 Sir"

"FINE. and THEN WHAT?!?!"

"I don't understand Sir, what do you mean by then what?" (I don't know if he wants further directions or instructions as to how to check into our hotel).

"WHICH WAY DO I GO AFTER I LEAVE THE EXIT!?!?!?!?!" (the man is LOOKING for a heart-attack) He didn't need to get all "huffy" about it.

Well of course I know there is only one way he can go without breaking any traffic laws, I know where I wished he would go... I'm trying to come up with the best way to make him feel like less of an idiot than telling him this and that you can see the city from exit. We are the tallest building in town, you can see us from there. I paused just a moment too long, I think, thinking about how to put this into words without offending him....I could hear him huffing and puffing again.

"CAN I speak to a manager?!?"

"I'm sorry sir, but our offices open at 9:00, you can speak with my colleague though, if you wish."

"Let me talk to her then, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS WHICH EXIT!"

"I'll have to put you on hold for just a moment Sir." He was grumbling about stupid bitches as I placed him on hold. My coworker did not appreciate me passing the buck, but she was MOD. She took the call.

He was just as mean and rude to her. I don't think she had to spell her name out though.

She ended the conversation (after she had, even more painstakingly than I, explained how to get here from there....and she travels a lot!...the guy was an idiot) with 'Thank you for choosing our hotel, Sir! I certainly hope you enjoy your stay. We look forward to having you here!"

I knew she meant every word of it.

NOT!!!! (but the girl deserves an Academy Award!)

THANK GOD I HAVE THE WEEKENDS OFF.

All day at work it was stuff like this, not as bad....but stupid stuff all day long. I ended up bringing work home just so I could get the heck out of there after another long day (9 hours..most of them on my feet).

So now I don't even feel like going to the grocery store. I managed to keep my spirits up all the way home. I just know though, that something bad is going to happen...something stupid, like my pocket will get picked, if I leave this house. Looks like its going to be grilled cheese for dinner!

Thank God tomorrow is a brand new day.

I need another cappuccino.

I Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel Goooooooooooooooooood!

I seem to be kicking the flu. Yeah! Fastest flu I ever had! Its like it was more hyperactive than me.

I went to work yesterday and not a day too soon. The cappuccino effect is working. I was soooooo effective and sooooo smart. I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back for my remarkable efficiency! I only brough home a satchel and a briefcase full of work, which I completed all but one file of. I would have gotten that done too, but I wanted to spend some time with the BF and needed to clean my house up some. I also did two loads of laundry....Well sorta. It still needs folding.

I am feeling on top of my game.

I am WundaClerk and SuperMom!

Gawd I love caffeine.

I even bought myself a container of general foods Belgian Cafe to keep the buzz going today (oh yeah, I also stopped by the store after I worked 9 hours).

Tonight I need to go to the grocery store for real (seriously you would think we were bachelors in this house). Then I plan a relaxing evening with the BF.

This weekend we are to begin winterizing the house. Starting with plastic on the windows. We are also going to go pick up my furniture (yeah I finally bought some), build a table and assemble a couple of desks. He is really great to be helping me with this stuff. I'm a lucky woman.

Well time to get ready for work...I have just 20 minutes to do it, but hey.....it aint no freaking fashion show.

Happy Friday everyone!

The final version

There is a shorter version on my personal page, I posted it about a month ago, but this is the story that is being edited for the South Bend Tribune for publication sometime next month. It will need to be cut for space, I am a bit over on the word count. I wanted to present the unedited version here though.

A Cherokee Wedding By Tressa Bailey (sister of the bride) August 30, 2008, was a beautiful Summer Day. It was the end of the Fruit Moon and the 56th Cherokee National Holiday. It was too hot for an outdoor wedding, but like the ancestors that I am sure witnessed us from Heaven, we endured. This was the day that my sister, Rhonda Bailey would be joined forever with her love, Dave Buwa. Our parents (Ronald and Frances Bailey) and Dave’s parents (Marvin and Anna Buwa) had been planning this wonderful day for what seemed like ages, but was truthfully only a matter of months. Both families descend from the tribe of the Cherokee.

The guests, who dressed casually, mingled as we watched Chief Edgar WhiteWolf, assisted by his wife, Karen, consecrate the sacred circle where the wedding of my sister, Rhonda and Dave Buwa would soon be taking place. Chief WhiteWolf called out to the Great Spirit and our beloved ancestors to bless this union and all who attended.

It is interesting to note that while Cherokees are allowed to choose or reject their own mates, in order to participate in a wedding ceremony, they are required to get the favorable opinion of a Shaman. Since our tribe does not have an official Shaman, Chief acted in that capacity and met with the couple, instructed them and finally gave his approval of the union.

Most of the costumes worn by the wedding party were authentic costumes, hand made by our Mother, but our nephew, Adam Bailey, made his own costume as did the Chief and his wife. Cherokee women don't get to wear the sexy outfits that are commonly depicted in old movies. We are required to be fully covered and modest.

We entered the consecrated circle in the traditional clockwise manner, were handed a small packet and took our seats. Families sit together. Singles sit separately. The smells of sage and tobacco permeated our senses but it was a lovely smell, not at all like cigarettes, because this was untreated tobacco. The tobacco was not meant for smoking. Sage had been burned to bless the circle before we entered, much the same way that certain religions burn incenses in their churches. The Cherokee way of faith seems very ceremonial and mystical at times.

L to R, Frances Bailey, Anna Buwa, Rhonda and Dave Buwa, Chief Edgar WhiteWolf

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.

Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.

Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling to enter into the days of your life together.

And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

The couple stood before the Chief and the mothers of the couple stood behind them. Cherokees have a matrilineal family tree. This means that family lineage and inheritance is passed down the line of the female rather than the male as is common in most societies.

Rhonda wore a traditional tear-dress, in white, and carried a basket with ears of corn to represent that she would take root and care for the family, Dave wore a Cherokee white ribbon shirt and carried a basket of meat indicating that he would nourish and support the family. Blue blankets were draped about the couples’ shoulders at the beginning of the ceremony by their mothers, covering them in symbolism, mostly about solitude, reflection and loyalty. They each have their own blanket to represent their separate beginnings. Behind Chief there was a basket holding the few remaining white-wrapped gifts of raw tobacco packets that were handed to each guest as we took our seats. These were given so that we might thank the Great Spirit for the couples’ love, by enriching the Earth at the end of the ceremony.

A wonderful event occurred during this ceremony. Two beautiful hawks (our family's totem consists of hawks and wolves. I've always considered myself a wolf, which is the minority, but my sister Rhonda considers herself a hawk) began circling the consecrated ground. This was considered a wonderful omen, a blessing from our ancestors and the Creator. I believe in omens like this. The circle became steadily smaller until the hawks were almost hovering above Rhonda and Dave. I silently said “Hi” to our Grandpa, Aunt Shirley and Cousin Sue, who had joined the Great Spirit years earlier. I believe it was their spirits which were directing the Hawks. I'm sure they wanted to celebrate my sister finding the happiness she has always deserved.

L to R, Frances Bailey, Anna Buwa, Rhonda Bailey, Dave Buwa (covered), Chief Edgar WhiteWolf

Above you are the stars, below you are the stones.

As time does pass, remember, like the stars should your love be constant.

Like the stones should your love be firm.

Be close yet not too close. Possess one another, yet be understanding

Have patience with each other, for storms will come, but they will go quickly.

Be free in giving of affection and warmth and be serious to one another.

Have no fear, and let not the words of the unenlightened give you unease.

For the Great Spirit is with you, now and forever. A May Naa (amen)

After the ceremony, but before the blessing, the mothers replaced the two blankets with a single white blanket symbolizing that the two were now one. The color was to symbolize the purity of their love, white is not required as much as the best fabric or hide available. It is more about placing the highest value on the partnership rather than the parts of the marriage. Rhonda and Dave, with tears of happiness in their eyes, then turned to us and gave us their wedding testament:

“God in Heaven above, protect the ones we love. We honor all that you have created as we pledge our lives and hearts together. We honor Mother Earth and ask that our union be warm and glowing with love in our hearts."

Many of the rest of us felt those tears too. For some of us, tears of relief that all obstacles had been conquered comingled with tears of joy that all promises and prayers had been answered. It seemed as if we, and not just they, had waited forever for this magical day. All was right with the world. Now they could rest in the comfort of each other and live in the security that is love.

Those few cynics amongst us believed in the power of faith and love once again, if only for a moment.

Adam Bailey dances Adam Bailey, our nephew, danced a traditional tribal dance after the ceremony. He made his costume right down to the deer-hide laces used as thread. He hunted and killed the deer that the hide came from. According to the Cherokee way, not one part of the animal was laid to waste. What wasn't eaten was used for clothing or art. If scraps remain, they are buried, untreated, to nourish the Earth. Native Americans never kill animals indiscriminately. It is against our faith to waste the Earth or its creatures. He gathered and cleaned all the feathers in his headdress and accessories. The beads were made from twigs and stones and various other *found* objects. Cherokees try to recycle everything as a way of life and out of respect to the Earth that the Creator provided us. After the dancing was completed, we guests blessed the ground with our tobacco and sent our prayers to the Great Spirit. We then went to the gift blanket to pick out our tokens from the happy couple. Cherokee people measure wealth, not by how much you retain, but by how much you give away. Cherokees give thanks for our blessings and events by giving, rather than receiving gifts. The ceremony ended when we rejoined and completed the circle during our exit. Rhonda and Dave Buwa, joined by their nephew Adam Bailey (center) Afterwards we gathered for a pot-luck dinner and hog roast reception. If anyone left hungry it was their own fault.

I must note that while this is the ceremony that our family will recognize, it was technically not a legal marriage, nor sanctioned by most religions. Rhonda and Dave were married at the courthouse for legal reference, and also had a nondenominational Christian ceremony shortly before the Cherokee Ceremony began.

I think that any couple who goes to the trouble of being married three times, will certainly last forever. May the Great Spirit bless them both and keep them safe from harm.

Turbo Flu

I do not feel well...not well at all.

I think I have what I will call TURBO-FLU.

It started on Sunday. I didn't recognise the leg cramps as flu at first. Thought I was just a little tired and my legs were out of shape. I was doing some serious walking that day. Monday I knew I was ill. I hurt all over. ALL OVER. Seriously.... even my buttocks ached. If there was a muscle it was in pain. By afternoon I was so cold I could barely keep working without putting my coat on. I also had a really upset stomach. I forced myself to eat a bagel for breakfast (anyone who knows me...knows that if I'm not eating, its really really bad). At lunch I forced down a cup of broccoli soup and some toast. That's when the constant belching began. It was my stomache's revenge for eating. I shorted myself an hour at work and came home. I pretty much collapsed when I walked in the door here at home. The BF came by with an electric blanket and watched me shiver in it. He knew better than to act like he felt sorry for me. By 7:00 I had to shut the electric heat down because I was fading fast. At 8:00 BF left. I was getting pretty cranky and it was a good move on his part. By 9:00 I was snoring and freezing coughing and sneezing (unintentional rhyme).

It was a restless night, spent shivering then sweating then shivering then sweating in between sniffling and hacking up bits of my lungs....you get the idea.

I didn't even drag my but out of bed today until 10ish. Well except to call in. All I managed to feed myself has been an omelet at 1. At least the sneezing and coughing had tapered down to sore throat and sniffles. I've been freezing all day even though I am overdressed and the house is warm. I went to bed at 10pm, but now I am up because for the last hour the little bit I've eaten has been leaving my body in a very unpleasant and hurried fashion. I now have a 100 degree fever and chills.

This is not good.

I don't think I will be able to work tomorrow if this keeps up. I don't remember ever missing 2 days of work in a row in the last 5 years due to illness (not including surgery). I hope the Hell I can make it to the office at some point. I have a feeling that I am on the mend finally since there is nothing left in me to germinate now....but I still feel really awful and I look even worse.

My skin is dry and pasty. My nose is all red and swollen and I haven't brushed my hair since yesterday.

I look deader than I feel though.

It feels like a flu but the symptoms are going too fast. If it is a flu its the fastest one I've ever had.

I thought it could be food poisoning for a minute, like maybe I bought some old deli meat or something but I'm eating the same stuff everyone else is. I'm the only one sick.

I'm grateful. I sure couldn't take care of anyone else right now.

Y'know I hate to say it...but right now....I want my Mommy....