and the lonliness begins again.....

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

He's gonna have to step it up because I don't want to be with a coward. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both too fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.

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