Say What You Need To Say

Its that time of year. Some people do Spring Cleaning. Not me. You knew I wouldn't.....that would be too normal. I clean internally and externally....in January. My birthday is the last day of this month, that is when I will start my new year. I'll be 46 years old. I'm not quite happy with who I've been and who I am, but I am working on it.


I figure my life is almost but not quite half over. Which means I still have just as much time left as I've wasted. I truly do expect to live close to 100. The women in our family seem to live a long time, with the exception of my beloved cousin and her mother (whom I got my middle name from). They were exposed to asbestos in the family home though and got cancer from it.

The men die early though. Its not that we actually kill them....we just wear them out I think. They last approximately 60 years and then actually have the heart attacks they say we've been giving them for years.

The grandmother I was named after, my natural father's mother, was a royal bitch. She didn't have a kind word for me until about a week before she died at just under 100 years old. She was a brilliant woman though, evil but brilliant. Celia hates clowns with a passion, so Grandma gave her one for every birthday or holiday. Lovely woman. She did like my boys. Boys are better somehow. She was mean to her daughters too.

I never met my poor grandfather, Clyde. He died before I was an adult and developed a relationship with my father. I've only heard wonderful things about him though. My father died a few years after my grandmother. I loved him dearly. He was everything I hoped he would be when I finally was able to have a relationship with him. I miss him like I do my grandfather and my best friend who are also gone from this world. He wasn't that old (grandma had him late in life, she was nearly 50!), cancer got him.

My mother's mother is now in her mid 90's. She has smoked since she was 10 or 11. She started breaking all the rules long before that. She is a wonderful crotchety old woman who still has her wits about her, even if her legs are starting to give her trouble now. She still has living sisters, one is older.

There are tons of stories of crazy and daring women in my family and they all seem to have this long-life genetic thing.

My whole point is I am one of the spicy women found in both sides of my family that will probably live as close to forever as humanly possible. Only the good die young you know.

Unless of course, someone shoots our ass. I'm not quite bullet-proof. Still I think I fall into that history of powerful woman in our family. I don't have an x gene I have an X gene. It's my heritage and my legacy to my own daughter.

I figure I still have time to do some of the things I wish I had already done. I'm going to find the romantic and passionate love relationship that I so want and so need. I'm going to make the second half of my life better than the first half.

I'm going to make a list. Like that new movie I am dieing to see....the bucket list...I'm working on trying to find that perfect word that will encompass my resolve for this year. What do you think I should put on my list? What do you wish you had done, but never had the guts or opportunity to actually complete? I'll let you live vicariously through me if you want. I haven't done so many things that I don't even know where to begin.

Some of you may not know about my weird way of making new years resolutions. Every year I try to encompass my greatest desire to improve and change my life into one word. Some of the ones that have changed me and made me stronger are: Truth, Faith, Justice, and Peace. There have also been less powerful words that made a difference too, some of those are: Health, Compromise, Dream, and Write. Some words I can't remember now even though I based a year of my life on thier focus (which come to think of it was one of my words). I've been doing this since I was 12...so that's a lot of words.

My New Year begins on January 31. Help me find the word that will make me better than I am, that will make me be more worthy of your friendship, and more deserving of the life God gave me. Suggestions are welcome. I will of course let you know the one I choose when the time comes.

John Mayer Lyrics