If the shoe fits

Well today I was a good Mom. I took Walter out for a haircut and shoe shopping then dumped him at the skatepark so I could have some veg time. You have to love this kid's taste in shoes....

Classic Black of course (he does pride himself on being a *bad* boy...yeah right)



Check out the sides though......

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!




Even the insoles are evil...




Check out the trick of light on this version of that picture....




I think the dern things might be possessed!

Hopefully he will be able to do some really sick jumps with them.... (sick is the new word for cool btw)

Things I don't talk about

We all have life changing events in our life. I call them catalysts. There are some things in my life I've alluded to, confessed to, mentioned as background information....but I don't really talk about it. In short sentences, my pain can be ignored and over-ridden by some sarcastic or sardonic remark...and I can just get on to living my life. Usually its easier not to deal with some issues...so I talk about everything else and make jokes when bleeding. This is one of those subjects that I don't talk about. I need a catharsis though. I need closure because I almost did a very stupid thing. Warning this will be a long post. Maybe you will cry. Its not for children. I met B when I was 12 years old and he was 13 or 14. He was tall tan and blonde. I idolized him from a distance because I was gauky in pigtails and chunky and to be honest I had an acne problem. I was a geek...a year's worth of puberty would take care of most of that.... meanwhile I just liked him. He was always nice to me when we did run into each other at the library or something. He held open doors and he would smile at me. He was in the really cool crowd, so it was a big deal. A year and a half later entering High School we actually started hanging out in some of the same circles and a friendship started. I helped him with his homework, and he was one of the guys who introduced me to drugs. The other was my first serious boyfriend, J...and I still can't talk about him. This is an important part to remember. We were not 3 people who hung out together. B was my friend and the one who's shoulder I cried on about the crap J kept giving me. B's family was so fucked up. He said he could only talk to me about it. I was friends with one of his sisters as well, and that is a really sad story...but not for telling here...I only hope her soul is at peace now. She was murdered. The stuff he said was true too....really sad and terrible things. We both had our problems and we handled them by getting stoned. B was one of my best friends. I thought He would risk death for me. I would have risked my life to save him. Sometimes I still crushed on him...we even tried to make-out a couple of times but he would stop it and say our friendship was too important and eventually that stopped happening. During this developing friendship, a friend of mine from jr high, and one of his old girlfriends as well, tried to warn me not to trust him. I was angry and set to defend him but with tears in her eyes she told me that I didn't know what he was capable of. I ended the friendship with her. She just didn't understand B the way I did. I guess he and I spent at least a few hours together a week even after he graduated. I even helped him get his first job. It was one of those great friendships where you know what each other is going to say before you say it and you don't share the friendship with others because, well because they just don't *get it*. I never felt afraid with B. He was going to be a hero one day. At the beginning of my Junior year of High School I became the project of a couple of my teachers. Bound and determined to clean me up and help me succeed. It was crazy the things they did to help me and I didn't deserve any of it. It worked though...the Summer before my Senior year I was clean and working at a great job. I was looking forward to college. B just laughed at first and blew smoke in my face from the joints he smoked. He kept offering me speed like free candy and it was so tempting....but I never gave in. When I was nearly 18 I broke up with J finally and for good. I also ended up missing over a month of school because of scarlet fever. There was no way I could catch up so I quit with the blessing of the Asst. Prinicipal who agreed it would be best if I just returned to school for 1/2 year later rather than kill my GPA. I had plans to go to college. B was joining the Navy. I'd met a nice boy who was a marine and was seriously considering him for my future. He wasn't from around here so he didn't know any of my crazy history. Life seemed full of limitless possibilities. Spring came and B called me a few days before he was scheduled to ship out and invited me to come to his going away party a few days before. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks but no way would I miss his party even if I had to take a break to go to work in the middle of it. I guess I should have thought it was wierd for the party to be on a weekday when he was leaving on a Monday. I never thought B would lie to me. I went to his house. I figured I was just early or that he had wanted me to help set up so we could have a few minutes alone to say good bye. He seemed nervous but I just thought he was *speeding*. He brought me coffee and sat closer than usual to me. We started talking and my new boyfriend came up and B was pissed. I had ruined everything he said... I realized then that B thought we were going to be together. He went into the kitchen to get some coffee or steady his hands...I don't know. I shouldn't have followed him, but I did. I didn't want to lose his friendship. I wanted to talk it out. He threw me against the refridgerator and started trying to make me kiss him. I didn't and he just went weak. I didn't know what to do so I started talking to him...and he seemed to be listening. He was just bummed....wasn't going to rule me out though. He was going to wait me out and we both chuckled. I said...there really wasn't a party today was there B....and he said no...he was just hoping to talk to me. I was really uncomfortable by now and thought I should be getting out of there. B was still acting odd....I didn't know if it was drugs or something worse. I'd never seen him like this before...agitated and ungodly calm at the same time. So I told him I had better head out since I was due at work. He said he wanted to show me something he made first...it was upstairs...too big to bring down. I shouldn't have went. Once I turned on landing I was no longer climbing I was being dragged up stairs. There was a gun on the banister and he grabbed it. I couldn't find my voice at first. I tried to scream but nothing worked right. He was so big. I'd never seen him angry at me but he was. He choked me, he beat me and he raped me. I tried to talk him out of it but it didn't work. He said I thought I was too good for him. He was angry that I looked down on him like he was a druggie. He said I was a fucking tease. When he was done with me he threw my clothes at me and told me to get the Hell out and if I told anyone he'd kill me. I must have walked around crying for three hours. Half the time I didn't even know what my name was. I couldn't go to work. I couldn't go home. I couldn't go anywhere. I got on a bus and somehow ended up at the police station. It was so hard to report him. It was so hard to admit that it could happen to me. I was broken. Not by the rape but by betrayal of my friend. I kept trying to make excuses for it. I kept trying to convince myself that B was just overcome with love for me. I didn't want to end the friendship. I didn't want to believe what happened. I kept thinking I must have done something to make him believe it would be ok. Maybe it was the blue jeans or buttons on my shirt. Maybe I smiled too much. I wanted to go back. I wanted my friend most of all. Maybe it was his fault but not his fault. His family was so bad, he just lost his sister... I hadn't been there for him. Maybe he'd just gone crazy. B wouldn't do this to me. But B did. He did. The police arrested him and his family got him out. (I lost a lot of friends by reporting it. Funny thing is he never denied it. He told the truth too, with a different viewpoint. I don't know why my friends hated me...but some of them did. Even after he told them the truth.) That night he kept walking in front of my house like he did when I used to sneak out the window to join my friends. To let me know people wanted me. My little brother took my father's gun and sat on the roof outside my bedroom to keep him away from me. My little brother was only 14....and felt he had to protect me... I don't know why B did that. He knew my family wouldn't think twice about killing him. I used to think he was desperately hoping we could somehow make it all go away and go back...but now I think he was just hoping we could make it all go away and that's it. Prosecuting someone for rape in Indiana is no piece of cake. I had all this physical evidence on me and that was not proof. There was physical evidence in his house that was not proof. He confessed even knowing all that. That was proof. It was a done deal. I didn't even have to testify beyond a deposition. Still I jumped at the opportunity the Prosecutor presented to plead it down to battery and the State would ensure he spent the time in a mental health facility so that he didn't repeat these actions. It would make it all go away and then B would get the help he needed. I still loved the friend he had once been. I believed his confession was proof that he was truly sorry and wanted and needed help. I think part of me thought that one day he would be *cured* and that he would say he was sorry and be my friend again. It didn't happen. What happened is he made it impossible for me to trust anyone but those very closest to me. What happened is that I hid away and tried to live in a world of my own making for at least 5 years after it happened, and to some degree to this very day. I got married soon after. Not to the marine, my battered heart proved too much for the marine...but that's another story. Basically I made my own prison so I could be safe from the rest of the world. I tried to go back to school...but I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't care about anything but hiding from people so they couldn't hurt me anymore. Flash forward to a few days ago. I sat at the dining table analysing my life and realizing that if I want to move forward I have to let go of the terrible things that hold me back. I decided I would find B and forgive him. I have prayed often for his soul but not for mine regarding all that went down. I know the conviction ruined his life just as the rape completely changed the course of mine. I would write him a letter and forgive him and ask him to do the same for me. I began my search. It didn't take long to find him. He is still here, in my old neighborhood. It was easy to find him because he is a registered sex offender. The last time was for child molestation. I can't forgive him but I can let it go and forgive myself. I'm glad I wrote this and not a letter. (note: actually written and published on 11/13/2010 redated it to put it to the oldest posts in this blog)

My Love Life Explain by Music

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

Beautiful and Incredible

I invite you all to visit this web site. A friend of mine sent it to me just today. It is truly lovely and it will only take about 2 minutes of your time and I promise you will be moved. It is living ART. Just Incredible.


Love 2008

Epilogue

Further research has revealed that B committed 2 more rapes after me. Both plead out. I am pretty sure he raped my Jr. High School friend before me. I've been trying for years to mend that bridge but I can't find her, though I am sure she lives. I can't help but wonder how many weren't caught. I was just the first one who told. I wonder if he befriended all of us like he did me and when did he turn to children or was it an under aged girl (also child molestation in Indiana)? I wasn't wrong in calling it rape and I didn't cause it. Those questions have haunted me most of my adult life. I didn't ruin his life. He did. I did not betray my friend. My friend betrayed me. In a way it is a huge relief that there were others, though I am sorry for them and appalled that I feel this way. Its a relief to know that it was not my fault. So my first posting on this subject did not yield comments as I write this....but I have received 6 emails. I'll try to discuss the issues in those emails as I write this post. Its a difficult subject to write about or even comment on publicly. I get your need for confidentiality. Still I always say catharsis is good for the soul. It truly is. I'm too old to be silent now and too wise to pretend like it didn't matter. There are very big differences between acquaintance rape and stranger rape. Not that all situations aren't different, they are, but the betrayal in acquaintance rape is the real damage---not the sex, that's why I felt no compulsion to share the details about the sexual aspect of it. To me it was a physical fight and I was outweighed and out sized. B was 6'4" tall and nearly 200 lbs, I am only a little over 5'4" and probably weighted about 110-115 then. I couldn't win, but yes I tried to get away. I wasn't the only one with marks on me. It has never been sex or making love in my mind. It was a fight. How he hurt me is not as pertinent as the fact that he did hurt me intentionally. He probably planned it long before I got there. FEAR is an unbearable side effect of both types of rape. So to the person who asked why I like the passionate relationships I write about now...This was not some bizarre sexual incident, it really was battery. His body was just the weapon. That is the short answer. There are deeper control issues involved as well if you really want to delve into the psychology of it...at least in my case. I was passionate before I was raped. My passion did die down for a while, but not because of the sexual issues, it was because of the trust and fear issues. My friend betrayed me. My judgment was flawed. The smart little girl who always knew the answers was wrong. wrong. wrong. The damage on my body healed fairly rapidly. I was young, healthy and well cared for at home. The damage in my head is still there sometimes. I overcompensate. For instance despite having male friends, I do everything possible to avoid being alone with them. We hang out in public places. I seldom go in a car with a man, but when I must then there are always safety issues that I make sure are taken care of. I always make sure someone knows I am with this man, where we are going, the length of time it will take. I have a phone and people expect calls or me to show up at certain times. My family, friends and I all act like its perfectly normal but they know I am putting my own leash on so I don't stray too far from safety. Even now. My kids have similar habits and don't even know why. They learned them from me. Sometimes I regret these little obsessions I've passed on to them, but mostly not. They have not dealt with that kind of threat. No one has pulled a gun on my kids because they were acting too reckless and free. Dating is difficult for me. I will interrupt a romantic moment to call in and check up with my *baby-sitter*. I prefer group dates at first so I feel safe. If I do meet someone alone, I make sure it is a well lit place, preferably one where someone I know is nearby in case I need an escape. Someone always knows where I am and what I am doing. My information is carefully logged into an email to myself before I go anywhere in case someone needs to find me. My mother knows my password in case she ever needs to use it. Those my friend, are coping skills. Serious coping skills. Its amazing that I was married 3 times. But then again not. I married one after the other. I was afraid to be alone. AFRAID of not having a protector, that is why I married such overbearing men. I've learned not to be so afraid to be alone now. Ok I'm still afraid but I've learned how to deal with the fear. I've done it all by myself for 3 years now (for 3 years prior I lived with family). Its progress...though I still need my checks and balances....and baby sitters for my peace of mind. I still have trouble sleeping. I still have nightmares of it when I sleep alone, so sometimes I sleep on the sofa so it feels like someone is behind me, protecting me. Still, those too are coping skills. I think living alone has helped me come to terms with a lot of things. Things my family and friends protected me from for years because they thought I was to fragile to deal with reality. I've been smothered with love. Its a blessing and a curse. I worry because they worry. I'm afraid to live fully because it will cause worry. I want to tell them not to worry that its all ok now....even if it isn't. The truth is its as ok as its going to get. This sort of thing happens to women every day. They go on and live full and vibrant lives because they don't have people who are trying to protect them from every little thing that life throws at them. They don't wallow in silent misery as I have. They don't expect others to make sure they are safe. They aren't handed excuses the way I have been. They develop coping skills far greater than mine. Those women grow stronger not weaker. If you don't use your muscles, you atrophy. These last 3 years have made me finally grow up and take on the responsibilities I've always neglected before. My own happiness. I guess its about time. Its been 30 years. I'm getting close to 50 now. (note: actually written and published on 11/13/2010 redated it to put it to the oldest posts in this blog)

Say What You Need To Say

Its that time of year. Some people do Spring Cleaning. Not me. You knew I wouldn't.....that would be too normal. I clean internally and externally....in January. My birthday is the last day of this month, that is when I will start my new year. I'll be 46 years old. I'm not quite happy with who I've been and who I am, but I am working on it.


I figure my life is almost but not quite half over. Which means I still have just as much time left as I've wasted. I truly do expect to live close to 100. The women in our family seem to live a long time, with the exception of my beloved cousin and her mother (whom I got my middle name from). They were exposed to asbestos in the family home though and got cancer from it.

The men die early though. Its not that we actually kill them....we just wear them out I think. They last approximately 60 years and then actually have the heart attacks they say we've been giving them for years.

The grandmother I was named after, my natural father's mother, was a royal bitch. She didn't have a kind word for me until about a week before she died at just under 100 years old. She was a brilliant woman though, evil but brilliant. Celia hates clowns with a passion, so Grandma gave her one for every birthday or holiday. Lovely woman. She did like my boys. Boys are better somehow. She was mean to her daughters too.

I never met my poor grandfather, Clyde. He died before I was an adult and developed a relationship with my father. I've only heard wonderful things about him though. My father died a few years after my grandmother. I loved him dearly. He was everything I hoped he would be when I finally was able to have a relationship with him. I miss him like I do my grandfather and my best friend who are also gone from this world. He wasn't that old (grandma had him late in life, she was nearly 50!), cancer got him.

My mother's mother is now in her mid 90's. She has smoked since she was 10 or 11. She started breaking all the rules long before that. She is a wonderful crotchety old woman who still has her wits about her, even if her legs are starting to give her trouble now. She still has living sisters, one is older.

There are tons of stories of crazy and daring women in my family and they all seem to have this long-life genetic thing.

My whole point is I am one of the spicy women found in both sides of my family that will probably live as close to forever as humanly possible. Only the good die young you know.

Unless of course, someone shoots our ass. I'm not quite bullet-proof. Still I think I fall into that history of powerful woman in our family. I don't have an x gene I have an X gene. It's my heritage and my legacy to my own daughter.

I figure I still have time to do some of the things I wish I had already done. I'm going to find the romantic and passionate love relationship that I so want and so need. I'm going to make the second half of my life better than the first half.

I'm going to make a list. Like that new movie I am dieing to see....the bucket list...I'm working on trying to find that perfect word that will encompass my resolve for this year. What do you think I should put on my list? What do you wish you had done, but never had the guts or opportunity to actually complete? I'll let you live vicariously through me if you want. I haven't done so many things that I don't even know where to begin.

Some of you may not know about my weird way of making new years resolutions. Every year I try to encompass my greatest desire to improve and change my life into one word. Some of the ones that have changed me and made me stronger are: Truth, Faith, Justice, and Peace. There have also been less powerful words that made a difference too, some of those are: Health, Compromise, Dream, and Write. Some words I can't remember now even though I based a year of my life on thier focus (which come to think of it was one of my words). I've been doing this since I was 12...so that's a lot of words.

My New Year begins on January 31. Help me find the word that will make me better than I am, that will make me be more worthy of your friendship, and more deserving of the life God gave me. Suggestions are welcome. I will of course let you know the one I choose when the time comes.

John Mayer Lyrics

Still Not *Getting Any*

I've noticed that when a man can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this too many times before. I'm getting real tired of it.

A broken promise is a solemn lie. I hate when a guy makes me promises.....

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over.

I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me.

It only takes a couple disappointments before I end a relationship. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with a guy when I want more. Its stupid to even try. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes.

All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't.

So basically I'm of the belief that guys need to shit or get off the pot.

Unfortunately, I'm also in the mood to *get some*.

I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days.

I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement.

Maybe that is where my problem lays.

My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad

.

I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take.

I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee.

I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends.

I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too.

I'm just tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today?

Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still?

Did I mention I don't sleep much?


I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.


We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Maybe I just want what I can't have.

I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss.

Y'know I've never had one...a New Year's kiss.

My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone.....

Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry.

It sucks to be without a life partner.

It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons.

and the lonliness begins again.....

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet me...to date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

He's gonna have to step it up because I don't want to be with a coward. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both too fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.

My Heaven

This to me is heaven. I have 3 wonderful children. Children that I don't only love but I like. The big bonus? I have 3 wonderful, completely different children who not only love each other....but like each other and hang out together! This is heaven....to watch them like this from the corner of the room....to see them show their love and respect to and for each other. Its the only Christmas present I will ever need. Heaven....

The Beast and me....

This is Walter....he's just a tiny bit rowdy. He keeps me on my toes when he's not knocking me off my feet. 14 years old and pure energy! People have commented on how almost all my photos I'm laughing out loud.... He's most of the reason!

My Eldest and me

This is Richard. He's mine. Guess there's no denying it huh? 26 year old single male to all the young ladies out there. As you can see, he's handsome and built with bricks! How did he grow up so fast? Where is my baby?

My baby girl and me....

This is Celia, she's 23 and still a newly wed. ....she really likes me she just wouldn't smile for this shot... She's ornery like that....grinning pictures of her later.... Isn't she a beauty? She doesn't believe me. Not one bit of makeup on this perfect face of hers....she wakes up like this. Her hair is as silky as it looks.... Her real beauty though is all inside.....Best daughter ever!

Another Holiday at the Inn

I love these people!!!!!!

Other Blogger's Christmas spirit.

I have to give the usual *Not always for Christian or Children's eyes* warning here. Yep I do like some offensive stuff....but if you are at my blog, you know you (even if secretly) enjoy some of it too....and basically it is pretty tame.

Some of it is just sweet too.

Here are my HO HO HO s, HA HA HA s, and AHHHHHH how sweet! s, for today!

http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/

http://journals.aol.com/alphawoman1/Alphawomansblog/

http://journals.aol.com/delela1/BlueSkiesandGentleBreezes

http://prettypuddleglum.blogspot.com/2007/12/new-christmas-spirit-part-14.html

(hilarious 12 days of Christmas post above, if you check her site out you'll find some other song remakes, some are more melancholy than funny though....still a talented lady)

http://journals.aol.com/mlraminiak/ComingtotermswithMiddleAge/

(She even finds hope in sadness....)

http://journals.aol.com/dbaumgartner/MakingAHome/

She knows how to keep that Christmas spirit all the time, but this months entries are full of christmas LOVE.

http://journals.aol.com/dklars/SecretGarden/

All her Christmas energy is wearing me out! My goodness I feel soooooooo inferior!

http://www.tracenoel.blogspot.com/

Real Christmas Spirit is found here too.

http://stupidsheet.blogspot.com/

He's sarcastic...but he has a soft and squishy center.

http://stillunhinged.blogspot.com/

writing about a real, honest to goodness, Christmas miracle that just happened to her family.

That should get you surfing....

Enjoy Christmas!

Ho Ho Ho ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ

My Santa hat's too big! It was a slow day at the inn today. Good thing too, because as you can see by the circles on the circles under my eyes....I've been sleepless lately!

Least my hair is finally growing out!

I earned the Santa cap by the way....

I went shopping for ALL my gifts yesterday....and I did it all in one night....just like the big guy himself.

I was an amazing sight to behold....unless you were in my way. Snatch...Grab....Race to the next aisle....I was utterly AMAZING!!! Not only did I do some great shopping (and y'all know I hate shopping) but I got some great deals too.... I came in UNDER budget this year. Yay me! I bought a new Othello game to reward myself....now I just have to find a WORTHY opponent....and I am soooooooooo good at this game. I bet I could beat you!

The slide show is just some of the goofy people I work with..... I love my job!

family

I thought this was just a perfect video for this classic song....

Makes me wanna giggle!

Tomorrow

Have you ever done something out of character just to prove you can? Just to prove you are as *insert your own missing character trait here* as someone else is or hinted you are not? Just to prove to yourself that you are something or someone you don't even care to be? Have you ever done the wrong thing or said the mean thing just because you could?

I did this morning. More than one thing.

I don't know why. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person.

So now the thing is what does one do when they wish they could turn back the clock?

Take back that word you wish you'd left unsaid....or breathe life into the words you couldn't find.

Take back that action that you are ashamed you did....or do the one you should have instead.

Take care of the problem you wish you hadn't have ignored....or let something go that really didn't matter.

Normally I try not to regret things.

I can't help but regret this time.

This time I wasn't the only one I let down.

Tomorrow though is a new day again and a new start.

Tomorrow I am going to be me.