Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb


I stole that quote from a friend of mine.....

Fits my current broken heart status.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Quid Pro Quo

I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Some men have tried to become a part of my life.... while not inviting me to be a part of theirs.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my feelings about these types of matters and situation in much greater detail many times.


One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

Violence in the Neighborhood

I have one of thoooooooose families.

I like to say we put the *fun* in dysfunctional.

My personal lineage goes back to Charlemagne on one side and the family of Will Rogers on the other.

I am basically the result of generations of blue blood gone slumming.

I have all the benefits of an indirect yet fully integrated (well except we don't have oriental or jewish people represented yet) family now. I love the various cultures that I get the opportunity to participate in. At this point the vast majority represents white trash, middle class white and black, reservation and non reservation Native Americans (there is a difference when you try to live completely *white* but aren't...I'm one of those). We also have a smattering of Puerto Ricans, Mexicans and 2nd & 3rd generation Poles. I have learned to not just accept, but to embrace all the various cultures. These people have brought out the best in me. I know what truly matters because of the family I relate too.

Its hard to believe that just a few generations ago my great Grandfather, who was a leader in the KKK disowned his own daughter for marrying a Cherokee (the beloved Grandpa I talk about so often). I hope Great Grandpa Cole turns in his grave. He was an evil man.

I also have the unfortunate propensity of some of my supposedly *higher class* relatives to snobbery in its various forms.

Kind of ironic now that I am the one in the ghetto again.

Blood will tell. I need to work on my attitude.

Me at 17.

My neighborhood is basically not white. I look white. I am 3/4 white, I guess I should look it. When I was young girl and lived in this area though, I didn't look so white. My skin has grown paler with age. The shape of my face has changed somewhat due to maturity and dental work. I don't blend in anymore (I was often mistaken for Mexican descent as a teen). My friends as a teen were mostly not white.

I thought I could move back here and not have any problems. I was wrong. It makes me sad that anyone would judge, by my pale look, that I would bigotted and discriminatory. It bothers me that I struggled so hard to better myself and now my improved speech and carriage makes people I want to be friends with actually wary of me.

But what really pisses me off is that last night, at nearly 10 pm, 4 well-dressed boys who happened to be black came to my door and asked to see my son. I let Walter go to the door so he could talk just a minute with these boys who he thought wanted to be his friend and learn about skateboarding (Walter did not actually know them). One of the boys sucker punched him for no reason other than he was a "white boy in the wrong neighborhood".

I probably should have called the police, instead I just told the little brats off. Promised the next time they came to my door I would call the police. I probably should have dumped a pail of water on him so he would have to explain that to his parents....but I didn't. I've got to move. Walter can not blend in with his white white skin and his hazel eyes. Walter is the target I've always said didn't exist.

For years I've said everytime I had to be tough and strong, and everytime I defended the rights of minorities (of which many of my family are). *You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl*.



I don't fit in anymore.

What I Believe

The theme of this essay is, "I believe". I believe I am going to begin by having a beer, which I truly believe is a great aid to creativity. I believe I am going to call it my muse.




I believe that I am nothing more or less than a crazy mixed up kid who grew up to be a crazy mixed up woman. I believe that I am just as good as I am evil and just as insane as I am sane.


I believe that a contradiction of terms is always a great start for a conversation.

I believe that life is not to be taken seriously, except for God, and I believe that God has a sense of humor. I believe that is why he made monkeys so silly acting and giraffes so silly looking.


I believe in the theories of creation, evolution and alien genetic experimentation. I believe the fact that we are all here is proof of all three.






I believe in practicing faith, keeping hope, and being spiritual. I believe that most religions started out being truthful. Now I believe that most religious books contain only grains of the truth with more being left out, rearranged and outright changed than what was originally left in. I believe in one God with many names who loves us all....unconditionally.


I believe the World could do with more unconditional love.


I believe that life begins with a passionate moment and that you should try to sustain that all of your life.

I believe that all things should be passionate. I believe in passionate eating. I believe you should chew and swirl your foods and drinks in your mouth. I believe in finger foods.

I believe in passionate tenets. You should stand up and be heard in your opinions just as often as you sit back and listen. I believe in speaking my mind, even when I am out of it.

I believe in passionate 2 hour lovemaking and passionate quickies. I believe in passionate perversions. I believe in passionate emotions and passionate actions.

I believe that you should be passionate about your family and passionate about your friends. I believe in unconditional love. I believe that love and discipline are not necessarily separate.

I believe in passion. I believe that passion is wasted when it only refers to sex. I believe that great sex is preferable to great wealth and I believe that a great life is preferable to a great vocation.

I believe in taking chances and paying your dues. I believe in attempting the impossible just to prove a point. I believe that scars are beautiful proof of surviving life.

I believe in finishing what I start.

I believe that if something doesn’t actually breathe, then it really isn’t worth much. I believe in the intrinsic value of life.

I believe in taking responsibility for my actions, good or bad.

I believe in "I’m sorry". I believe in forgiving. I believe that sometimes good people make bad mistakes and that bad people can make a good effort. I believe that people can change sometimes. I believe they can change back.

I believe in always playing to win, even against beginners. I believe in finishing a game even if you are losing. I believe that winners deserve a victory dance. I don’t believe that losers should be forced to thank a bunch of gloating winners for a good game. I believe the proper response to that is "I’m gonna get you next time Sucka". I believe in rematches. I believe in learning from your losses.

I believe that if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I believe if that doesn’t work, maybe you should hire the job out. I believe that life is too short to waste much time doing something you don’t particularly like very much and/or aren’t very good at. I believe that is why we are not alone.

I believe that all children, even other peoples brats, are a gift to the world and that we should listen to their simple wisdom. I believe too many people pay too much attention to what their children are eating and not enough attention to what their children are thinking. I believe that children deserve certain rights, including safety and respect. I believe that there is no such thing as quality time, only time and you should give your children as much of that as you possibly can.



I believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Irish faeries, Leprechauns, and the Easter Bunny but not the Great Pumpkin (well maybe just a little). I believe in making your own Halloween costumes. I believe they should be scary.

I believe that making up stories is not the same as lying. I believe in pretending.

I believe in playing in the rain. I believe in squishing your toes in the mud. I believe that every child should at least eat one real worm. I believe that a child who always has a clean face and hands has terrible parents. I believe that children should be filthy by the end of every day. I believe a clean child is not having enough fun.

I believe that birthdays are the most important holidays of all.

I believe in thanking my Mother for all she went through to bring me out on my birthday.

I believe in love that lasts forever and in love that lasts a while. I believe in love at first sight, second sight, and I believe sometimes it grows out of long long friendships. I believe that there really is a very thin line between love and hate.

I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but I believe that the choice ought to be life.

I believe in always saying Hello and Goodbye. Even when it hurts.

I believe in keeping promises or not making them. I believe that a person is only as good as their word.

I believe that we put too much stock in maturity and not enough stock in immaturity. I believe we try too hard to be grown up and not hard enough to keep the wonderment of a child. I believe in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th childhoods. I believe in having even more if you can.

Now I believe I am going to have another beer. C’mere Muse!

Defining what a relationship means

A relationship means wanting to talk with and actually know someone, inside and out not just the pretty things. It’s wanting to make eye contact, not voice contact, its wanting to touch each other. It's needing to touch each other. Its spending time together without dating and all the false trappings of your best clothes, fine restaurants and best behavior all the time. When a person actually has a relationship with someone they want to share thoughts and hopes and dreams. Fantasies too. But even more they want to RELATE (like in the word relationship) with that person on a regular basis....dare I say day-to-day). Its actually caring what each other thinks about. Its wanting to live the dream out. Its wanting to make a fantasy real. Its giving the best you have to someone who is giving their best to you. Its accepting the worst because the best makes it worth the effort. A relationship means actually having sex...not just talking a good game. A relationship means compromise, not convenience. It means knowing each other’s friends and families well enough to laugh about them behind their backs and know that you will both get the joke. It means being a part of someone's life, not just hearing about it second hand. It means that you both look out for each other for what you don't need. It means that you both look to each other for what you do need. It’s a little like friends with benefits but much better. You let yourself become INVOLVED in the other person’s life even if it means a little hassle in yours. You trust each other and depend on each other. It means actually laying the groundwork for a future together and making and obeying the charter rules you set out. Its planning for what you both want....not what one can fit in. Its making room in your life for him/her, and inviting them to stay, not just for a while but forever. Eventually it means living together (marriage...I don’t know...maybe I could be convinced if I had all of the above going on) and living your life for the benefit of the relationship and each other. It means working together for better days ahead. It means making a shared history, sharing troubles and sharing joys. It means actually sharing lives. It's a start....Relationship is a pretty big word to define.

Compatibility Issues

One of my biggest problems with compatibility has to do with my growing up poor and tough. Most people in that situation are not real big intellectuals so those who are born into families that value the things I've learned to value are a bit put off by the fact that I am so tough and dare I say *street smart*. The men I’m attracted to and who are attracted to me, tend to be from the other side of town. Often they are quite surprised by the truth of me. Its not like I get into bar fights or anything.... but there are some differences between me and the upper class ladies I used to socialize with and sometimes still must.... I won't listen to a hypocrite drone on and on for one thing.... I will call them on it every time... I won't pretend to be someone I'm not anymore, even if it isn't socially acceptable . I guess I really just don't care what a lot of people think about me. I like stating my views even if they are different. I can take a challenge and enjoy a debate. At any rate I wonder if these basic facets of my personality are some of what dooms me to unhappy relationships and I wonder if a good relationship is worth pursuing if I have to change the very basis of who I am and what I want to stand for. Anymore I'm thinking "nope....not worth it". I realize I don't have to be middle class to be happy. Truth be told, I wasn’t happy when I was better than middle class. Money can’t buy it. Right now I feel pretty damned happy and I don't have anything really good but this magic box and my worthless car... I surround myself with people who love and accept me and walk away from those who don’t. I rent cheap. My yard is a mess because I gave up all my garden tools in the divorce. Yet I'm happy. Home is where I want to be. Life is funny isn't it. All those things I worked for I gave up. The life I strove so hard to exist in, I walked away from and the one I ran away from I ran right back to. The only thing that is missing from my life is romantic love. My problem is my lifestyle and ethical leanings are definitely *tough chick from the hood* but my work life and intellectual capacity are more in tune with *uppercrust and nosejobs*. As always...I end up divided among two extremes.

Backwards on a Train

Sometimes I feel as if I am facing backwards on a train. It's that feeling you feel when you know you're getting to your destination but you can only actually see where you've been and the landmarks you are passing. The last (and only) time I tried to ride a train in that position I was pretty dizzy by the end of it.


That's what I seem to be doing a lot of lately. Judging my present by my past....I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I think it started out a couple of years ago when I started telling the truth about almost everything...good or bad.





Something happened inside of me the day I took my own last name back. I started trying to be the person I think I was supposed to be instead of the one I became.


I started living instead of just speaking truth. I quit being sorry that I wasn't the person everyone wanted me to be. I quit caring what a lot of people thought. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing.


I know I've done some pretty risky things. I'm not as well off financially and I don't have the power I once had. I feel better though...inside and out. I look in the mirror and I don't see a stranger.


I don't feel like I am wearing a mask


Maybe its just the female version of a midlife crisis.



Whatever.....All I know is that despite a little queasiness from time to time, I am finally enjoying the ride.

I don't need a man

I don’t need a man. I can raise my kids and I make enough money to live on. I don’t get why I want one so bad. Its really not sex either. I like it. I like it a lot, but I could live forever without having it with a man I didn’t care for. Its not the companionship. I like my own company, I have my kids and the rest of our ever expanding family, and plenty of friends online and off. I definitely do not need any more emotional crap from someone....I have enough of my own for 20 people. It must be some kind of inborn survival instinct. All I know is I am miserable without love until I am miserable with it. But the times between the misery....OMG....That is heaven to me

Raising Kids or Raising Hell?

I believe in giving kids a lot of freedom but it must be weighted at the same time with restriction. Absolute freedom will not make your children love you... It may however make your children unloveable to others. Use your own judgment... draw a line... It doesn't have to be my line... but know why you draw it, and don't let your child cross it. I had limits.. I used the word "No" when necessary while still giving my children the freedom to use temporary color (like pink) on her hair...to allow a pierced ear (on my elder son) and to grow long hair. Parents you can give your child freedom... but allowing anarchy to reign in your home is a big mistake. Remember the children you raise will one day most likely be responsible for decisions that not only affect you and their possible future families but the world in general. Please give them a lesson in restraint once in a while! EVERYBODY ELSE I fail my children everyday, just like Everybody Else's parents do. I buy them items they shouldn't have because Everybody Else's mother does. I let them go places Everybody Else's father lets Everybody go. They want to be like Everybody Else. In this society, if your child is not like Everybody Else, neither you nor your child will be accepted. Everybody is in charge here. No one is brave enough to take Everybody Else to task or to enforce the rules that would remove the little monster from power. Everybody Else has unlimited access to cable T.V., and internet connections. Everybody Else has a CD player and is allowed to listen to the profane lyrics that pass for music today. Everybody Else has his own car and stays out as late as he wants. He chooses his own friends, his parents trust his judgment better than their own. Everybody's folks seem to believe that discipline unduly stifles his creativity. Frankly, Everybody is spoiled. Everybody Else's parents let their children dress in ways that express their individuality, no skirt is too short, no shirt too revealing to be worn. Everybody Else's baby brother is wearing "colors" and his big sister wears dark gothic styles with a small silver chain running from her eyebrow piercing and other piercings all the way to her naval ring. Everybody favors pants loose enough to show his undershorts, he has a skull tattooed on his arm. Everybody's parents understand it is only a phase that the kids go through. Everybody's parents think I have a problem because "you can't judge a book by its cover". Wonder if the publishing houses know that? At school dances all music is allowed because if it isn't, Everybody's mother complains of losing freedoms or of being forced to bear discrimination (why is having discriminating tastes such a "bad" thing?) or that such language is usual and normal and should, therefore, be allowed. Everybody Else does it so that makes it ok. What ever happened to "good taste" and "being classy"? My mother used to say that she never met Everybody Else's mother but she was glad she didn't have to raise this kid because that child was headed toward unimaginable terrors, troubles and certain death. I never was able to do what Everybody Else could do, never had the things that Everybody Else had. The few times I tried to be like Everybody Else in misbehavior, my parents came down hard on me. Funny, the Everybody Elses that I used to quote have pretty much lived up to my mother's expectations. We want to give our children the freedom we never had, but instead give them chaos. We want them to have free expression and adventure, but it somehow turns into foolhardiness. We want to give them the value of a worldly education....but we're finding out that knowledge is worthless without comprehension. I plan to be a lot more like my own mother from now on and a lot less like Everybody Else's. I wish Everyone Else would do the same.

The Man I Measure Men By

Things my Grandpa Rogers taught me. Since I mention my Grandpa quite often, I thought I’d tell you a bit about him...He was very tall, about 6' or just over....He had that native look about him...very muscular and still lanky. Handsome as the devil in blue jeans. He was a wonderful person who didn’t always obey the law. He was flashy and drove a pink Cadillac convertible with white fuzzy dice on the rear view mirror and tan leather interior. He gave all our friends candy money when he gave it to us...sometimes $3-5 a piece...that was a lot of money in the early 70's especially when you were swarmed by 10 or 15 kids at a time. Once he kidnapped (actually kidnapped) my brother, 3 sisters and me because he felt we were eating too much chicken and not enough steak. He was an over the road truck driver for a freight company here until he died in 1973. Before that he hauled dynamite on the wrong side of the law. The things he taught me include: It doesn't matter who else is there, at the end of the day, you still have to sleep with yourself. Make sure you like your own company. Great rewards come only through great labors. One can never have too much candy, it makes you sweet. In a dark forest, when no one is around, a tree still makes a huge sound when it falls. Sin committed in secret is still sin. You have exactly 3 choices when faced with fear or danger. A. You can freeze and let it overtake you. B. You can run and let it chase you. Or C. You can fight and stand a chance at beating it. (My Grandpa was a golden gloves boxer for a while.) First: know your own Value. Last: Don’t accept less. Every person who has succeeded has failed miserably and been completely humiliated at some point in his/her life. His favorite rags to riches story was Mays Dept. Store...I can’t remember all the details but I do know that people fail before they get it right. Every action has an equal reaction. What goes around comes around. People will generally believe exactly what you tell them to believe about yourself. It's a good idea to be generally honest, but don’t broadcast the bad stuff, let them like you first. Always work as if you have to put your name on it. Your name is on it. If you are kind to others and true to yourself, people will remember you long after you are gone. Sometimes you have to break rules before people see why they should be broken. Respect the ground you walk on. It's better to choose than to be chosen. Do your own thinking. God gave you your own mind....use it or lose it. Failure to do your own thinking is like saying to God...Yeah thanks for the gift...but I am just gonna use Joe Blow’s thoughts....its too much work to do it myself. Its like spitting in God’s face. If we see that an action should be taken and we don't take it. We fail. There is no "other guy"...why wait for him? Grandpa was the wisest man I ever knew.

Internet Friendships and Relationships

My life is full of people that I don’t have time to know. People used to make time to get to know each other. I wish it were still so. I’ve made a lot of friends online, some I’ve actually developed *real-life* relationships with too. It seems easier to find people of similar interests. Certainly googling *bloggers* is a whole lot easier than shouting out to strangers on the street *Hey!!!! Ya wanna chat a bit?!?!*. Not to mention that could get me arrested. As a single working mother, I meet most of the men I’ve dated, initially, through this medium. I am one of those who will not go into a bar alone, and after more than a dozen years of working as the secretary for criminal attorneys, I like to get some information about men before I actually let them know where they can meet me for lunch. It’s always nice to come home in one piece. I know I could be wrong one day, but hopefully there will be enough information on my hard drive so that my family can hunt the bastard down and do what red-necks do when someone hurts their own. But I’m digressing ...... The internet is a wonderful thing. It makes the World a small place. It makes us feel as if we truly know people we’ve never even met. Telephones are great too. You can learn a lot about a person just by talking. BUT......... Nothing is the same as seeing whether a person smiles with their eyes when they smile with their mouth. Your eyes can tell you when someone’s words don’t match their emotions. You can see a person's confidence in the way they stand. You can see a person's life on their hands and face. You can't feel the *chemistry* until you are close enough to smell the pheromones. You can't touch on the phone or through a keyboard. You definitely cannot share a hug or a kiss. I love technology....but I also love real life. I love the freedom of movement in cyberspace.... But...... I need to walk on solid ground.

My Views on Marriage

Some people say that some of my statements are inconsistent regarding relationships. Evidently, I have a habit of describing a relationship that sounds like marriage while discounting the very idea of marriage. This is because of my standard answer when I am asked by various suitors about whether I believe in marriage. That answer is *I suck at that*. Usually this query is made by men who are wanting me to replace the one who got away. It is usually asked early on, much too early, like before the 3rd date. One should never ask a question that they really don’t want the answer to. Its not really marriage I have a problem with, it’s my marriages. I love the whole idea of Happily Ever After. I just think its one of those exclusive membership things. I’m not included.....for whatever reason. I have no doubt that I could love someone forever....if he loved me back. I thought marriage was forever when I did it. I thought we would plan our lives together and work out our problems as they came up. I thought that we’d have matching rocking chairs on our front porch when we were all old and decrepit. I intend to have that life someday anyway. It’s what I wanted most in the whole world since I was just a little girl....not the wedding, the life. Cynicism I developed over the years I worked for attorneys, and life experiences make me feel the way I do... There were times, especially in the beginning, that I thought I was actually helping people. I am ashamed. I have been an intimate witness to at least a thousand divorces because of my former job.... Its not like I expected my marriages to be like any of them either, I thought I could change the odds in my favor because I seen so many of the pitfalls. I (of course with my super powers) would simply prevent those problems from occurring. What I didn’t realize and should have realized, is that not one of those couples I helped break up thought these things could happen to them either.... and they never did anything to prevent their problems from happening, not that taking measures to prevent the problems works anyway. You can either trust someone or you can’t. If you are very lucky, you know which it is. These couples had no actual plan to stay together because they just assumed that a vow was enough, as if a promise could keep itself.... There was no effort to keep the love alive because they never thought it would die, until it was already gone. No one works at something they think is magic. No one tries to improve on what they think is perfect. People get caught up in life and forget to catch up with people. Marriage gives them a false sense of security. They think its harder to walk away from. Commitment isn’t magic, it is an occupation, a dedication to the betterment of the whole rather than the parts. At least when people are just living together they realize the threat of loss. They work harder on the relationship because they know the other person can just end it that quick....So they remember that love is a verb and not a noun. Marriage, in my overbearing and egotistical opinion, has two parts...a covenant and a contract. If the covenant could be made part of the contract...then marriage would be different... People would KNOW exactly what was expected of them and consequences for failure. No one knows until the toothpaste is left open one to many times that 5000 was the limit and 5001 was just too much. No woman knows which girl is just sexy enough to steal her man away anymore than any man really knows which guy has a wallet fat enough to take his woman. No one knows when the violence is going to start or what is going to trigger it or whether or not it can be fixed. Yeah, I know those were stereotypes but you would be surprised at how often those things actually do happen. Most States have no contest rules for divorce now. All you really have to do is say *Changed my mind, I don’t love him/her after all*. Irreconcilable differences. The truth is instead of working together and working it out, the people have generally grown bored and worked toward finding replacements. There was no love there in the first place. Real love is rare. Real love demands accountability and responsibility. No one really wants to take on responsibility for their own behavior or misbehavior anymore. *For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse, until death we do part* No one even realizes what those words actually mean anymore. I fed my kids on that lack of understanding. Seriously. I was paid to help couples break their contracts/covenants with each other. Does anyone know the difference between a covenant and a contract? A contract is a legal and binding agreement between two people. It has to do more with property and finances than anything else. It is easily rewritten or broken altogether with the help of lawyers. A covenant is a promise between two people and GOD. It is unchangeable and unbreakable. It has to do with the spiritual and emotional aspects of an agreement. It is what it is. I don't really know everything I did wrong in my relationships before, I really did try to make them work. I just failed. As much as I would like to lay the whole of the blame on the men I was married to, in the end I was the one who picked them. I was fully ½ of the relationship and therefore ½ of the failure. Everything was not their fault. Reasons don’t even matter in the end. I have to face my own blame, right my own wrongs, and learn from it, if I ever want to have a real relationship that can stand the test of time. What I want is to be with someone who is right for me, but even more, I want the contentment and satisfaction of knowing that I am right for him too.

Identity

Written July 17, 2006

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.



I was granted restoration of my maiden name today.

It shouldn't matter but it does.

I spent so much time trying to redefine myself only to find that I liked the original definition best of all.

Time felt like it went backwards.......

I am now who I last was at 18..... (If only I had the body and face to match it). No one is pinning me down and nothing holding me back. No one can silence me and nothing can stop me.



Its like the Judge erased all the bad stuff that happened in life...... all that victim garbage..... all that circumstances trash.... like chalk off the blackboard. He then wrote my true name over the shadow that remained.

I think he used big bold block letters.

Hypocritical Parenting

I’ve run into some problems with kids and young adults lately. It’s got me thinking...asking questions about why things are the way they are.... If we don't approve of society, then why do we allow it to raise our children? Why is it that every time some kid flips out at school we rush to find someone to place the blame on? I know who is to blame. I looked in the mirror and there I found the one at fault. It is me. It is also you. We hide behind chaos and call it freedom. Freedom of religion, (freedom from religion), and freedom of speech. What we have here in the United States is chaos now. I have a hard time believing that this is what our God-respecting forefathers envisioned. Freedom of religion and freedom of speech are supposed to protect the honest expression of ideals and to institute tolerance of differences. It was not intended to assist in the proliferation of hate groups and pornography. In the 70's and early 80's, when most of today's parents grew up, one of the sayings of the day was "You are what you eat". It was true, at least in part. We are the essence of everything we put into our bodies spirits and minds. Substances enter our bodies from any of the 5 senses, not just taste, substance enters our consciousness from every manner. We are allowing our children to be poisoned. Most of the time we give them the poison ourselves. We've forgotten how to be parents. I'm no better than you are. It isn't easy to tell your child no. We feel guilty because we aren't home much. Then we "fix" it by working even more hours to make more money, so we can buy our kids more gifts, gifts they don't need and probably shouldn't have, because we feel so guilty about not being home. Maybe we need to quit working overtime, and spend some time with our children. We grew up during the great "pop psyche" era. We have been told so many times how terrible "bad feelings" are that we give-in to almost everything our children request to prevent them having any "bad feelings". We don't want to damage our children. Our parents, I'm discovering, were not wrong. Guilt serves a purpose. Shame serves a purpose. Even anger serves a purpose. Those are the emotions that spur a person to do better. To not allow our children to feel them is equivalent to taking away their conscience. It's time we give our children the benefit of feeling bad. It might do us all some good. When I was a child, my mother used to tell me that my behavior was a reflection of her. She was right. Right now we parents don't look so hot in the mirror I'm looking at.

A Relationship Contract

I wish that every relationship actually was a contractual covenant...with the why's and wherefores and henceforths all spelled out in painful half-latin legalese with fine print and signatures on every page....

I understand agreements and contracts. I love rules that can’t be broken.

I’d insist that there was stuff in it like "Must audibly say "I love you" twice everyday." "Must develop real relationships with each other’s children" "He will inflate the tires and she will do the dishes regularly" "Sexual relations to occur at least once per day and to include this that and the other thing, et.al...." We could spell out Kitchen rules and that grown children should grow up. Itemize our demands for child care duties and holiday entertaining. Divide the family obligations. Define boundaries. Set out Barbecue rules. Determine whether we buy Miracle Whip or Hellman's......

I’m sure you have the gist of it.

I used to believe in fairy tales....but I grew up.

I wish I were a child again. There were rules.

Soldiers

Veteran’s Day is not just a day off from work for some people. It's not a day to complain because banks and government offices are closed. It's not a day to bitch about a war you disagree with. It's not a day to bitch about the people who complain about the war you support. It is not about war. Veteran’s Day is about sacrifice. It is about heroes. It is about Freedom. Veteran’s Day is about loving others more than yourself.

This day is about men and women who leave their families behind to protect people they mostly don't know. It is about idealistic young men and women, barely past childhood, who believe that the greater good is more important than a single life. Veteran’s Day is about parents who have lost their children and children who have lost their parents in the effort to protect the freedom we enjoy.

Veteran’s Day is about being grateful to those who make the sacrifices that the rest of us can't or won't. To say thanks to those who fight for the innocent and defend our liberty. Veteran’s Day is about the Veterans.

"Here rests in honored glory, an American soldier known but to God." --inscription on the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery

THE THINGS THAT MAKE A SOLDIER GREAT
written by Edgar Guest

The things that make a soldier great and send him out to die,

To face the flaming cannon's mouth nor ever question why,

Are lilacs by a little porch, the row of tulips red,

The peonies and pansies, too, the old petunia bed,

The grass plot where his children play, the roses on the wall:

'Tis these that make a soldier great. He's fighting for them all.

'Tis not the pomp and pride of kings that make a soldier brave;

'Tis not allegiance to the flag that over him may wave;

For soldiers never fight so well on land or on the foam

As when behind the cause they see the little place called home.

Endanger but that humble street whereon his children run,

You make a soldier of the man who never bore a gun.

What is it through the battle smoke the valiant soldier sees?

The little garden far away, the budding apple trees,

The little patch of ground back there, the children at their play,

Perhaps a tiny mound behind the simple church of gray.

The golden thread of courage isn't linked to castle dome

But to the spot, where'er it be — the humblest spot called home.

And now the lilacs bud again and all is lovely there

And homesick soldiers far away know spring is in the air;

The tulips come to bloom again, the grass once more is green,

And every man can see the spot where all his joys have been.

He sees his children smile at him, he hears the bugle call,

And only death can stop him now — he's fighting for them all.

Dear Veterans,

Thank You.

Love,

U.S.

About the screen name St0rmWhispers

When I made my screen name, St0rmWhispers, I wanted to reflect my Native American heritage and honor my Grandpa Rogers, who was always brutally honest and unspeakably kind towards me. He loved me, and all of his children and grandchildren, as much for our faults as for our virtues. I always knew he thought I was "different" in a *weird* kind of way...and it was OK that he thought that because he loved me for it and not despite it. My oddities and quirks made me special to him.

I always had an affinity with storms. They energize me. They somehow help me clarify my thoughts. I tried to explain this to my Grandpa once when I was about 10 years old. He wondered why all my siblings were huddled together on the big sofa bed we slept in when we spent the night watching a movie and I was standing at the window.

"What are you doing standing all by yourself over here?" (I'm sure he was just shocked that I wasn't talking) , he asked.

"I'm watching and listening"

"Oh" he put his hands in his pockets and stared at me curiously.

"I like storms, storms like me too" I said.

"They call that an affinity" Grandpa was always trying new words out on me... the ones he didn't use with his truck driver buddies.

"What's affinity mean" Unusual...but a word I hadn't yet heard of.

"It means that you are like what you like" Grandpa replied.

"huh?"

"It means the thing you like sort of talks to you"

"No Grandpa... it listens and whispers"

"I think you like storms so much because you are a little stormy yourself" Grandpa sassed, then he tickled me and convinced me to join my much more normal siblings on the sofa.

After that there were a few more *inside* jokes between us about storms whispering to me and how I should make sure they were not making stuff up...but I think he liked what I told him that day...I look back and remember a slightly puzzled and yet still impressed expression that he wore and I am pleased we had those few moments.

Grandpa died about a year and a half later....but he lives in my heart forever.

Years later my mother told me how Grandpa worried for me, he thought that I was brilliant but so emotional that I would be hurt and he was very afraid that I'd not be strong enough to resist those who would take advantage of me. There were times in my life that did happen, people took advantage of me and broke my heart and my spirit but when I came close to losing everything, including my mind... the lessons my Cherokee Grandfather taught me throughout his short life have stayed in my heart and always come back to save me before it was too late.

Grandpa called me *stormy* because I was a bundle of energy trying to keep my emotions in check but the more deeply I felt something the smaller my voice became... Storms whisper is to show that there is more beneath what I say than meets the eye.

Just being

Its a beautiful day in the 'hood. Only heard two shots last night! ROFLMAO I should be more concerned but truth be told they are just shooting at each other.

I slept easy anyway.

It's like that old series Highlander....in the end there can be only one. Then hopefully the local police force will be able to stop that one.

I was playing a bit in one of my photo programs and found a cute picture of Walter when he was about 6 and manipulated it into something more indicative of what was to come...




By that angelic face you can see why I didn't see this whole adolescent thing coming..... I shouldn't have let him eat his sister's cookies.... What the Hell does she put in those?

At any rate its a sunnier day and I think I've solved my hives problem...it looks as if I've been spider bitten in a few places. At any rate the hives are clearing up...hopefully it won't take as long as the scratch on my nose (still visible after a month) that the cats gave me.

Have a wonderful day everyone. I will be by tonight after work.

Fear Is Not An Option

From the movie *The Princess Diaries*

In a letter to his daughter, Mia, the deceased Eduard Christoff Philippe GErard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia wrote:

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is
more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not
live at all.

I like movies like that, my inner child comes out (She is still 11 and waiting for Grandpa's next visit) and her heart and mind are open to all the good lessons that these modern day fables can teach. She isn't cynical and still believes in happily ever after. She hasn't lived that much of my life yet.

My Grandpa used to tell me that when I was really afraid that I only had three options. The first was to stand still and let it overtake me. Surrender. Let fear win and I would lose. The second was to run from it. Ignore it, but he said it wouldn't go away, it would always be right there behind me and I would always feel it breathing down my neck. The fear would hunt me down until it completely took over my life. The final choice was to fight it. Face it nose to nose and stand a chance at beating it. He told me that when I get knocked down I can lay there or I can get up and walk again.

Grandpa wasn't much for sissies or cowards. I'm not much for them either.

I understand fear though. I have two phobias I have yet to overcome from a childhood incident (which is why my Grandpa actually had this talk with me when I refused to get into a rowboat because I am afraid of drowning...I got in by the way, with a life jacket). I'm not as afraid as I once was of drowning and/or being lost, but I still have a way to go.

My fears are valid fears, based on this incident where I was lost and did nearly drown. I was only 4 years old and unable to save myself. My fears are NOT unfounded.

Right now I can swim in pools, not well, but as long as I know I can save myself I am ok. I will go up to my neck in larger bodies of water but my heart is pounding. I love boating now, and I don't have to have a life jacket on, just nearby.

As a young child, I was afraid to walk down the street. I go new places often now. Its never easy and seldom very far just yet, though I have driven across State. One day I will go farther. I fill my car with things that make people laugh, a whole bottle of brake fluid for instance, also transmission fluid, antifreeze, and oil, food, water, a telephone, map and a compass. Usually there are blankets and a change of clothing. If I could afford GPS I would have that too. This is even for the city where I live. Still I will drive if I have a valid reason to go somewhere, I just have to be able to survive being lost.

Trying to swim and trying not to get lost are both still capable of knocking me on my ass with a panic attack which often goes into an asthma attack. I deal with the attacks. I fight my fear.

I don't let fear beat me. One day I will knock fear completely on its Ass too....I will swim in deep water and I will travel at least across the country to see the Grand Canyon or something by myself.

I tell you all this because it is an explanation as to why I am not reading you right now and spending so much time writing (though the posts are yet to come). I am trying to get strong by purging all that which weakens me. I am fighting fear right now....and I am not winning. I probably won't. The fear *has come upon me*, to quote Job.

I've been crying a lot. My eyes are like dimpled tomatoes right now. All swollen and red. I can't sleep and eating is feast or famine. My thoughts are fast and furious and scrambling up my head.

I had to make a really tough choice. I am not going to go all melodramatic here and say that I will never get over it. I will. I won't say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't. I won't swear that I can never love another. Love is what I do. I will say that I have never felt so sad though. I have this feeling of loss and helplessness. I feel pity and sympathy for someone that I cannot reach out to because a wall of fear separates us.

I'm not a crying person. You have never even seen me write that I have cried anything but tears of joy when Celia was safe from the hurricane. It surprises me to cry like this. It surprises me that I am willing to admit it. I just have no other reaction in me.

I prefer anger. Anger makes me stronger. If I am mad enough I will fight, I will fight dirty. I'm a scrapper from way back. I'm the kid that hollered at God himself when life wasn't the way it should be.

But I can't fight this. His fear is stronger than I am. I am beaten by it.

I'm crying because I am whipped by fear and it isn't even my own.