My Views on Marriage
Some people say that some of my statements are inconsistent regarding relationships. Evidently, I have a habit of describing a relationship that sounds like marriage while discounting the very idea of marriage. This is because of my standard answer when I am asked by various suitors about whether I believe in marriage. That answer is *I suck at that*. Usually this query is made by men who are wanting me to replace the one who got away. It is usually asked early on, much too early, like before the 3rd date. One should never ask a question that they really don’t want the answer to. Its not really marriage I have a problem with, it’s my marriages. I love the whole idea of Happily Ever After. I just think its one of those exclusive membership things. I’m not included.....for whatever reason. I have no doubt that I could love someone forever....if he loved me back. I thought marriage was forever when I did it. I thought we would plan our lives together and work out our problems as they came up. I thought that we’d have matching rocking chairs on our front porch when we were all old and decrepit. I intend to have that life someday anyway. It’s what I wanted most in the whole world since I was just a little girl....not the wedding, the life. Cynicism I developed over the years I worked for attorneys, and life experiences make me feel the way I do... There were times, especially in the beginning, that I thought I was actually helping people. I am ashamed. I have been an intimate witness to at least a thousand divorces because of my former job.... Its not like I expected my marriages to be like any of them either, I thought I could change the odds in my favor because I seen so many of the pitfalls. I (of course with my super powers) would simply prevent those problems from occurring. What I didn’t realize and should have realized, is that not one of those couples I helped break up thought these things could happen to them either.... and they never did anything to prevent their problems from happening, not that taking measures to prevent the problems works anyway. You can either trust someone or you can’t. If you are very lucky, you know which it is. These couples had no actual plan to stay together because they just assumed that a vow was enough, as if a promise could keep itself.... There was no effort to keep the love alive because they never thought it would die, until it was already gone. No one works at something they think is magic. No one tries to improve on what they think is perfect. People get caught up in life and forget to catch up with people. Marriage gives them a false sense of security. They think its harder to walk away from. Commitment isn’t magic, it is an occupation, a dedication to the betterment of the whole rather than the parts. At least when people are just living together they realize the threat of loss. They work harder on the relationship because they know the other person can just end it that quick....So they remember that love is a verb and not a noun. Marriage, in my overbearing and egotistical opinion, has two parts...a covenant and a contract. If the covenant could be made part of the contract...then marriage would be different... People would KNOW exactly what was expected of them and consequences for failure. No one knows until the toothpaste is left open one to many times that 5000 was the limit and 5001 was just too much. No woman knows which girl is just sexy enough to steal her man away anymore than any man really knows which guy has a wallet fat enough to take his woman. No one knows when the violence is going to start or what is going to trigger it or whether or not it can be fixed. Yeah, I know those were stereotypes but you would be surprised at how often those things actually do happen. Most States have no contest rules for divorce now. All you really have to do is say *Changed my mind, I don’t love him/her after all*. Irreconcilable differences. The truth is instead of working together and working it out, the people have generally grown bored and worked toward finding replacements. There was no love there in the first place. Real love is rare. Real love demands accountability and responsibility. No one really wants to take on responsibility for their own behavior or misbehavior anymore. *For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse, until death we do part* No one even realizes what those words actually mean anymore. I fed my kids on that lack of understanding. Seriously. I was paid to help couples break their contracts/covenants with each other. Does anyone know the difference between a covenant and a contract? A contract is a legal and binding agreement between two people. It has to do more with property and finances than anything else. It is easily rewritten or broken altogether with the help of lawyers. A covenant is a promise between two people and GOD. It is unchangeable and unbreakable. It has to do with the spiritual and emotional aspects of an agreement. It is what it is. I don't really know everything I did wrong in my relationships before, I really did try to make them work. I just failed. As much as I would like to lay the whole of the blame on the men I was married to, in the end I was the one who picked them. I was fully ½ of the relationship and therefore ½ of the failure. Everything was not their fault. Reasons don’t even matter in the end. I have to face my own blame, right my own wrongs, and learn from it, if I ever want to have a real relationship that can stand the test of time. What I want is to be with someone who is right for me, but even more, I want the contentment and satisfaction of knowing that I am right for him too.