Backwards on a Train
Sometimes I feel as if I am facing backwards on a train. It's that feeling you feel when you know you're getting to your destination but you can only actually see where you've been and the landmarks you are passing. The last (and only) time I tried to ride a train in that position I was pretty dizzy by the end of it.
That's what I seem to be doing a lot of lately. Judging my present by my past....I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I think it started out a couple of years ago when I started telling the truth about almost everything...good or bad.
Something happened inside of me the day I took my own last name back. I started trying to be the person I think I was supposed to be instead of the one I became.
I started living instead of just speaking truth. I quit being sorry that I wasn't the person everyone wanted me to be. I quit caring what a lot of people thought. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
I know I've done some pretty risky things. I'm not as well off financially and I don't have the power I once had. I feel better though...inside and out. I look in the mirror and I don't see a stranger.
I don't feel like I am wearing a mask
Maybe its just the female version of a midlife crisis.
Whatever.....All I know is that despite a little queasiness from time to time, I am finally enjoying the ride.