I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.
All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.
A person could cease to exist in my own little world.
Events could be completely erased in my head.
Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.
I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.
I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.
Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.
Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.
I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.
I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.
It hurts to remember.
I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.
I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.
I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.
I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.
All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.
He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.
I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.
I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.
I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.
At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.
I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.
Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.
I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.
I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.